That Borderline Life

BPD isn’t just phases of being sad and adding some cutting every now and then for good measure and feeling better when somebody comes along and kisses your scars and tells you everything is going to be alright. it’s not something that „just goes by“. 

living with BPD is hell. it’s deeply internalized patterns of behavior and feelings which complicate your life on a daily basis and make normal daily tasks seem like huge obstacles. there’s phases when you feel like showering or eating are impossible things to do, when you just don’t want to get up in the morning but instead stay in bed under your covers all day so you don’t have to interact with other people. 

BPD is being completely fixated on one person and not wanting to spend time with anyone else and inevitably overwhelming that person with your constant need for affection, and even though you know your expectations are impossible to meet, you just can’t stop and have to watch yourself destroy every meaningful relationship you ever have.

BPD is the constant feeling of not being good enough. it’s constantly feeling insecure if the people who you love most even care about you at all. it’s crying and panic attacks when your favorite person doesn’t reply within minutes. it means an existential crisis and suicidal thoughts when someone cancels plans with you. it’s completely breaking down when somebody doesn’t keep a promise. it’s the constant need for attention and affection from one specific person and the constant wish to have them by your side at all times. it’s helplessness and sadness when you are by yourself. it’s being dependent on how people treat you. it’s constantly changing between adoring and hating someone, based on how they behave in that very moment, no matter whether or not their behavior has anything to do with you. it’s the overwhelming wish for a social life and at the same time being deathly afraid of spending time with other people. it’s constantly feeling left out or like you’re the fifth wheel. it means feeling unwanted or insignificant when your favorite person spends time with other people and doesn’t want you to come because they ’want to do something without you for a change’. it’s constantly feeling like you have to explain yourself to everyone even though you don’t even understand yourself. it’s feeling like you are manipulative and a bad person because your expectations and demands are ridiculous and way too high for anyone to meet. it’s constantly being disappointed over and over again and feeling unimportant / unloved because nobody can ever live up to your high expectations.

BPD is the fear of losing someone when they meet somebody new and always seeing new people in their life as a threat or competition. it’s feeling like you have to convince even your significant other every day that you are still worth spending time with. it’s being submissive all the time and never speaking up or calling someone out if they don’t treat you well because you are afraid it will lead to an argument which in turn will make them leave you. it means swallowing your own feelings and problems because you don’t want to annoy them out of fear they will walk away. it’s feeling like you always have to function and can never have a bad day because people will get tired of you instantly and immediately replace you with a better person because you are worthless and disposable. it means having no emotional permanence which makes you feel like once people are out of sight their feelings for you are gone. it’s when „I love you“ and „I’m here for you“ doesn’t mean anything unless the person thinks of you, talks to you, wants to spend time with you 24/7 or proves it any other way.

BPD is the constant fear of not being able to handle life. it means not knowing who you are or what you want. it’s getting up every morning and being a completely different person with new fears, new dreams, new interests. it’s the desperate search for yourself without ever finding it. it’s trying different personalities and it never feeling right. it’s ‘stealing’ personality traits from other people and trying to make them work for you. it’s the desperate wish for a hobby of some sort to dive into and cope but never finding anything that actually interests you for more than 24 hours. it’s desperately wanting to get your feelings out (by writing, drawing, anything) but never being able to. it’s a pressure in your head you just can’t get rid of.

BPD is the constant urge to slice your skin open even if you have been clean for months. it means ups and downs in a matter of minutes. your favorite person texted you first? life is beautiful, anything is possible, I love myself and all my friends, everything is wonderful. they don’t reply to your text within a couple of minutes? might as well kill myself, I am unimportant and worthless, I’m never anyone’s first choice, everyone has other things and people in their lives that are much more important.

BPD is never knowing if your feelings are valid. it’s never knowing if you are entitled to being sad or angry about a specific situation or if you’re just being too sensitive again. it’s making a huge drama out of nothing because you always see something negative in everything. it’s sensing the slightest anomalies in someone’s way of talking, texting or energy and immediately being convinced it’s because of you. it’s being convinced that your significant other hates you when you don’t talk / text every day. it’s hearing a group of people laugh and being absolutely certain they are making fun of you. it’s getting emotional and crazy about something absolutely insignificant and not being able to stop yourself even though you know it’s stupid. it means suppressing mental breakdowns in front of other people and bottling up your feelings so nobody will see them because that would be manipulative and unfair because you would force people to take care of you when they clearly don’t care about you to begin with and at most tolerate you. BPD is not even opening up to your therapist and acting like you’re fine even though you’re falling apart.

BPD means daily headaches or stomach pains. it means a variety of psychosomatic problems that keep you from living a normal life. it’s having to get up every day and go to school / work even though you are in pain and feeling dead inside. it’s having to interact with people and maintaining superficial relationships even though you are tired and exhausted and don’t want to open your mouth at all. it means not eating for days at a time because you just don’t have the energy to. it means being tired all the time and just wanting to be in your room all day.

me: *goes into bpd tag*