texts from last night

She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend’s. I was a new kind of failure tonight.

Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we’re here

I’m the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend

Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.

So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.

If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death

Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.

I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.