holding onto what I can

When news about the hunters bringing a herd of deer, Dominic’s mouth instantly watered. He had grown accustomed to the taste of deer after the outbreak, and more recently after Lydia would work her magic in the kitchen and make amazing concoctions with the meat. This night wasn’t any different and Dominic made a mental note to do something for Lydia as a thank you. 

Sipping on his beer, Dominic looked up to the voice, seeing Zen sitting comfortably next to him. With a smile, he swallowed and lifted his plate to show his portions of deer burgers. “Girl, Lydia could make shark balls for all I care and she’d convince me to eat it,” he joked with a chuckle.

Zen laughed at Dominic’s comment. He had a good point and she nodded in agreement to it. There had been so many times when Lydia had been able to work actual magic over the limited amount of supplies and conjured delicious delicacies. She had certainly worked her magic with the food provided for tonight’s festivities.

If you closed your eyes, for a brief moment you could almost believe the world hadn’t ended and everything wasn’t terrible. It was a brief relief and Zen was taking in as much of it as possible. There was music and laughter in the air throughout the hospital, for the first time in a long time. Zen wasn’t going to let it all go to waste, even though her heart felt heavy in her chest.

Zen sipped her beer and tried not to wince too much at how stale it tasted. Still, it was better than nothing and she needed all the positivity she could get right now. Across the courtyard was Zen’s ex, Kallie, and Zen was trying to act as if that didn’t bother her. But it did, so much. Tonight was supposed to be a party and she wasn’t going to let her broken heart put a damper on things. 

“Wait until you see what books I grabbed before you thank me, they might all be fifty shades of grey and the sequels.” He teased, never very good at accepting compliments. He’d always been taught that he should help the people he cared about without expecting thanks in return. When he got thanks Javi was quick to shrug, smile and throw in a light-hearted joke or tell them not to worry about it. Especially now. So much had been taken from them, all he wanted to do was bring back a little light into the lives of the people around him.

He watched as she checked over the books. If he’d been able to fit more into his bag without sacrificing space for other supplies Javi absolutely would’ve brought back more. It was only the risk that he’d put others in danger if he was carrying so much he wouldn’t be able to run away from a hoard of zombies that kept him from bringing back armfuls of books for Zen and her collection. “Zen, you know you can give me a list of books to look out for anytime, I’m not going to turn you away ever. Well, I might draw the line at showing up at two in the morning with a list the same day I get back from a run. That’ll be the one rule.”

“Good news is we should be heading back to that area soon. There’s still things worth getting.” Finding a decent spot that had some supplies left was getting harder and harder. They couldn’t risk losing everything that was left. “I’ll make sure I’m with the group that goes back. If there are other smaller books you can think of I might be able to squeeze a couple in again next time.”

-*-

Zen snorted out with a burst of laughter as Javier set out the firm boundary of his delivery service and what she should, or should not, expect once she had provided him with a list of books. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked once she had recovered. She tried to suppress a smile and appear as serious as possible. “I just assumed same-day delivery would be included in your service. Are you now telling me such a thing isn’t possible? If so, I’ll be taking my business elsewhere.” She tutted her tongue and shook her tongue. “I’m so disappointed, Javi. You’ve let me down.” Zen couldn’t maintain the pretence any longer and another round of laughter snorted out of her, breaking her attempt at seriousness. She nudged him with her elbow. “I jest. Seriously, anything you can find and bring back is greatly appreciated always.”

The additional news that the scouts would be returning to the book store area boosted Zen’s good mood further. Her eyes went wide and she bounced on the balls of her feet. “I realise this might sound like I’m trying to butter you up but you’re my hero.” 

–++–

and there it is. it had taken mere minutes. and kallie, for her part, is not surprised in the slightest.  if anything it just reconfirms those things she has come to believe as the truth.  minutes - of mild discomfort and already those declarations of ‘never giving up’, and ‘love’ were suddenly and sharply - gone.  those promises of fighting for her, for them, was weaker than a breeze.  a paper house with whatever stories zen had used to fool these people, to maybe even fool herself, suddenly burning in the face of the truth.

and she sees - first hand - exactly the amount of effort that zen was prepared to put into those promises.  minutes.  – it’s no different to last time. if it’s too hard or too uncomfortable or she just doesn’t want to - she gives up ( a g a i n ).  says one thing and then does exactly the opposite.  ‘fights’ only when there’s no effort involved.  no sacrifice on her behalf.  of course not… the only thing that ever gets sacrificed is kallie.            [  she can’t help those bitter thoughts.  that              toxic, caustic abrasion within which seemed to              compound everything she’d been led to believe              ( or led herself to believe ).  ] it just feels like she’s witnessing her abandonment first hand this time.  where she may not have seen the turn-tail leave her amongst the infected back then - she sure as hell can see it now.

                                   – and it had taken… minutes.

and it’s punctuated with a final - blatant - lie.  ‘fine’.  – nothing about this is fine.  kallie certainly doesn’t think it’s ‘fine’ and the look on zens face, those crocodile tears – they call her a liar without kallie having to say a damn thing about it.  it’s another almost laughable moment.  as though somehow zen thinks she needs her permission or consent around any fucking decision she makes.  that she needs her to say ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ or ‘go ahead’.            [  was it just as easily ‘fine’ when she’d walked away last time?               when kallie was missing, presumed dead.  ‘oh, that’s  f i n e’.  ]

“sure, you keep telling yourself that.                                         – why change the record?”

-*-

Of course none of this was fine. Having your heart shredded by the one you loved more than anything else in this world was never fine but what else could Zen say right now? So far, everything she had said, Kallie had thrown back in her face, making her doubt what she thought she had known. Zen was already second-guessing all of the choices she had made, going back as far as before the virus outbreak. Was there something she could’ve done differently to ensure Kallie would’ve never doubted her intentions? There was no way of knowing for sure and yet Zen’s mind was already wasting time in dissecting the past, looking for signs.

All Zen could do now was plant herself to the spot and hope that this moment wasn’t going to stretch on for much longer. She was on the verge of falling apart more than she already had done and she didn’t want Kallie to see that. She would only use Zen’s breakdown against her, it seemed and at this point, Zen couldn’t take any more of that. She had to be more like Kallie in order to get through this. Harden herself, shut off the parts of her that wanted everything but this.

When Kallie spoke again, Zen couldn’t stop herself from flinching. Her words were still covered in barbs, intended to wound Zen as much as Zen had apparently wounded her. If breaking Zen’s heart was Kallie’s intention here, she was succeeding. Whatever happened to the Kallie Zen used to know? 

𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑 -       @tfhxzen​.

                             𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐍𝐎 𝐃𝐄𝐍𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆 how harder it was to assimilate some sense of normalcy into her life now. Into their lives. Some days were definitely harder than others, but Hannah knew that her best chance was to keep on smiling in case her daughter was looking, and smiling all the time was showing itself to be pretty damn exhausting. Claire was observant for a 3 year old, she noticed everything and was sensitive most of all to her mother’s emotional shifts, so if by any chance Hannah was having an off day, she would undoubtedly cling to her and not let go. Hannah was thankful, but she worried, she worried that if they ever did settle into a true sense of normalcy, she would be so traumatized, no effort would make a difference.

          𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐋𝐋 she didn’t have much time to think about things. Between working and taking care of her daughter, her days were full. She thought the hospital had turned into a functioning camping ground, the fact that there were people willing to provide the younger ones with care was still beyond her, but she appreciate it, it meant that a few hours a day Claire was being distracted and she could fully concentrate on curing people, mostly pregnant ladies. Granted they were not the easier to get around of.

          𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 in on the last few patients here and there, Hannah peeled off her white coat and walked straight to makeshift school, greeting other people with a smile as she passed them by and stopping briefly to make some meaningless conversation before she arrived at her destiny. Some of the kids were already out by the time she arrived and her smile only went wider as she saw Claire running to her, hugging her legs immediately upon impact. ❛ Hey little lady, ❜ Hannah placed a brief kiss on top of her daughter’s head before lifting her up from the ground as she secured her legs around her mother’s waist. Her eyes wandered until they found the person she was looking for and approached Zen. ❛ Hey Z, how was class today? ❜

-*-

Zen was thankful for the routine school provided. It gave Zen a way to measure the passage of time and to map out recent events in her memory. Before Zen arrived at the hospital, time passed in sporadic chunks and her memories blurred into one terrible load weighing on her mind. Working at the school gave her a purpose too, and a much needed sense of normalcy, a link back to life before the virus outbreak. As such, Zen looked forward to the next school day and the next opportunity to hang out with the kiddos. Life hadn’t yet jaded the joy out of them. They still found ways to have fun. Some of the adults around here needed a reminder what fun was.

It was the end of the school day. Some of the kiddos were playing out in the yard while others were being collected by their parents. Zen took this time to tidy up the classroom and prepare it for a new school day tomorrow. This meant putting books back on shelves, clearing away art supplies, and pushing the tables and chairs back into their correct positions. Sometimes the kiddos offered to help but today, Zen insisted they go be kids and have some fun. 

Zen was nearly done clearing everything away. The last task was to tidy up her desk. She hovered by it, staring at the drawing of a sunflower that hung on the wall next to the desk. It was a reminder of life before the outbreak, life with Kallie. Looking at the drawing caused a painful pang in her chest. Kallie was here at the hospital but she wanted nothing to do with Zen. The school day had kept Zen distracted enough to not think about it but now, here was a reminder.

kallie had never ‘given up’.  she’d just learned to deal with the truth of that betrayal.   she’d learned to survive.  learned to exist.  then learned how to thrive. of course - it hadn’t been without incident.  five years wandering among different groups - all with varying ideas on how to treat a fresh faced newcomer.  one spectacularly glorious incident with a small sect of cannibals still stands out like a neon streak in her mind.  trials, tribulations, hardships.  and while she doesn’t doubt that she’s not the only one who had to fight - those hardships are hers to own.  not anyone elses - and certainly not zens.  she doesn’t owe her a window to a past that was survived without her - despite her.  she doesn’t owe her a goddamn thing.

she certainly doesn’t owe her a deep and meaningful monologue of all of those emotions that - had been.  she won’t pander to any kind of need zen has for emotional fucking validation.  

so while all of those words flood out - she offers zen the single thing she herself had feared the most. – s i l e n c e. no more rebuttals - no more explanations - nothing.

and –      if there’d been a flicker of doubt - it’s not visible.       if she’s going to believe a single word - and she’s not feeling that      way inclined right now - then here and now isn’t the place to begin      that intricate dissection.      if she’s going to dismantle the last half decade of belief - then it isn’t going to happen in an instant - and certainly not when there’s a persistent push of a point she does not believe.  regardless of how many times zen tells her to think what she wants, she’s still talking, still beating and belabouring the same damn thing ( she tells kallie to think what she wants and then tells her not to?  oh, the irony ) and right now she doesn’t know what to believe… 

     [   try having your entire psychological construct shattered           and those ragged shards slammed in your face - then  have          someone demand you reconstruct it into the shape that they          want in less than ten fucking seconds.           NOT.  GOING.  TO.  HAPPEN.   ]

so she does the only thing she can in this moment.  what she’s been doing for the last five years.  she digs, deep, steels herself and latches on to something that isn’t about ‘them’.

“astute observation… i just walked in.  and as soon as i’ve traded up for supplies, i’ll be walking out again.”  

there’s a hike of brow - an unspoken question.  unaired, unvoiced, but it probably didn’t need to be.                                                         – what’s your excuse?

“don’t worry - i won’t fracture your charade.  you can keep playing your cosy little games with the people here. couple of days.  week at the most - i’ll be out of your hair and you can pretend i was never here at all.”

and i might pity them if i could bring myself to fucking care.

“oh, i sleep like the dead.”

 – which, is exactly how you left me.

-*-

The last five years of constant hoping and praying she’d see Kallie again had all been for nothing. There was no happy ending here for them and as a result, Zen was rapidly approaching the conclusion she had been an utter fool for dedicating her life to the memory of their relationship, rather than the reality of it. This was nearly enough for her to start to question if they had ever been happy together, that she had imagined the whole fucking thing.

Any further attempt to reason with Kallie was going to be futile, a waste of time and energy. Any argument Zen may try to put forward to her would be discarded without any consideration so what was the point? Besides, Zen’s mind was too jumbled to form any kind of coherent sentences. All she had was a stream of consciousness that would no doubt contradict itself as she ran through all of the emotions she was experiencing in this moment. That would only give Kallie even more reason to reject her surely.

So Zen was going to have to rebuild her existence without the hope of Kallie in it. She didn’t want to do such a thing but it wasn’t like she was being given much a choice here. She thought of her room here at the hospital, the same room she went to great pains to decorate in the style of the apartment she used to share with Kallie. There were the handful of photos she had managed to save. A collection of old, scratched and broken vinyl records she had managed to salvage. A scarf of Kallie’s hung up to give the room a dash of colour. All of that would have to change now. Zen was going to have to redefine herself and who she was without Kallie, just as Kallie had already done without her. It wasn’t going to be easy.

She flinched at Kallie’s last words, unable to stop herself from reacting. The message that Kallie truly wanted nothing more of or from Zen was finally hitting home. Zen’s heart was shredded as a result and she didn’t have a clue how to put it back together again. At least there was the promise of Kallie not hanging around here for long. They wouldn’t have to share the hospital for more than a few days and with careful planning, Zen might even be able to minimise the chances of them running into one another.

Was this what Zen wanted? Hell no. Did she want to fight to keep Kallie in her life? Hell yes. But if Kallie wasn’t going to listen, there was no point. 

Some would say Layla had a fickle mind, prone to getting bored and always seeking something more. The apocalypse as she liked to call the world’s events that lead her here, did not change her completely. The woman was as restless as ever, counting the days before she was scheduled for a mission out of the hospital’s walls. Risking her life was not something she actively enjoyed, but there was something in it that seemed to fulfil her wandering spirit.

Layla was almost wandering aimlessly, trying to find something to occupy herself when a familiar voice called her name. “Finally someone who recognizes me for what I am,” she said with a smile, knowing full well the words spoken would be followed with a request. The favor that was asked was an unusual one which immediately spoke to her. “Fabulous, me?” she gasped, putting on her best shock face, one that was way overacted by design. “Yes, I’m choosing to ignore why you think I’m fabulous and keeping the compliment as something entirely empty of ulterior motives,” she said with a laugh. “I’d love to help you out. What’s my role? Temptress? Fabulous one? I’ll take anything as long as it’s not a tree, horrible flashbacks there.”

-*-

Zen grinned as Layla agreed to her request. There was no need to keep heaping on the compliments but that wasn’t going to deter her from piling some more on, just for good measure. Not everyone at the hospital would have agreed to Zen’s request so she was grateful to have found Layla who always appeared to be up for a crazy challenge like this one. “See, now in my eyes, you’re even more fabulous than you were before!” Zen motioned for Layla to follow her back to her classroom. “And while, yes, I do have an ulterior motive behind my compliments, I still mean every word.”