I can’t believe 2020 is right around the corner. I’ve changed so much, I’ve learned so much and I’ve grown so much. It’s real now. This is the rest of my life. Let’s do it right, or at least let it be memorable

Timing is everything. We could be perfect for each other but if the timing isn’t right, it won’t work. I had to learn that the hard way. It’s happening over and over and over again and I still can’t seem to get the message. I listen to my heart more than my head. I think it’s time for a change. I constantly keep getting hurt for nothing. I could be smart for once.

I used to be a hopeless romantic. I used to think I was going to find the one and we are going to live happily ever after. I used to think, “I am going to meet the love of my life when I am young and grow old with them”. Lately, there’s nothing that has happened to me to believe that it will ever happen. I’ve come to accept that It’s probably not possible. I don’t believe in love anymore, I am going to stop trying. My love life has been a situation after another, timing is a bitch. Timing sucks, no matter how well you get along with them, if the timing isn’t right... there’s no point. I think it’s taught me to focus on myself and stop caring about my happily ever after with some guy. I can have a happily ever after with myself. It seems sad but it’s realty. I grew up with fairytales, princesses and princes. I’ve seen it throughout my life and this generation, we are steering away from the happily ever after with a prince charming. I need to find my happily ever after, with myself. 

New York is supposed to be another chapter in my life where I need to work on myself. Yes, career and everything but my self-worth. I’ve struggled with my confidence. I’ve always needed validation from guys, or people. Living in New York, I am starting to realize that no one gives two shits about me. No one cares about what I wear, what I do. I am the one who has to take care of myself. What is the point of putting myself down, no one else is and if someone else, who cares? Why should I hate myself? There’s really no point. I am saying this but it’s a slow, gradual change. I am going to sincerely work on it. It’s one of my goals for this year. I knew that it was an issue but I really wasn’t trying to fix it. It’s time to make a change. This is the change I need. 

I expect something and it usually goes the way I do not want it. This is why I don’t have any expectations from people. I only get upset because I don’t get the outcome I want.

What is life going to be like in a month? Graduation is right around the corner and I feel like I am not ready. I am not ready for the real world. I have to start caring about my future and stop trying to always think about fun. I want to start saving and experiencing the world. I want to travel and I want to be excited about something. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. I am not a child anymore. I have to start being more responsible. sigh

To be honest, what do I truly want? I want to work with people who challenge me, make me more knowledgeable. I want to learn and grow and explore. I want fun, exciting, adventure. I want to love my life and right now, I’m just living it

I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the past week. I don’t know if it’s because of the time difference from California to Philadelphia but it’s not helping me. When I’m up late, it’s the perfect time for my brain to wander. I keep thinking about the future, my goals, aspirations, my career, family and my nonexistent love life. It’s keeping me up, all I want is to sleep. One thought trails on to the next one and by 7am, I am a ball of stress.

Do I actually miss you or do I miss having someone there? That’s a question that I have to constantly ask myself. I’m dwelling in the past for no reason. It’s unnecessary and I’m upset at myself that I keep thinking about you.

I can’t believe I am graduating this school year. It’s been a long 6 years but I finally am doing it. At one point, I thought I wasn’t even going to graduate because I was so lost. I am excited to see what the real world has in store for me. 

I haven't used snapchat in so long I don't even know how people use it anymore! How does one even snapchat?! Do they take selfies all the time anymore? I feel old

This is the time in my life where I need to focus on getting myself better. I need to think about myself before anyone else because I am the most important person in my life. It makes sense. I need to stop worrying about my love life. I need to be more positive, create goals and accomplish them I want to be successful, travel and be the person I want to be. No more messing around. If a guy comes around to enhance my life, I'll accept it but I'm not going to lower my standards anymore. I'm not going to go into a relationship knowing it won't work out. I've gone through too much pain in the last two years to let myself do this again. I've learned my lesson for good. I need to be happy and this is the way I am going to do it. This the new and improved me, for real.

It's been a week since the breakup. I definitely don't feel as bad. I can sleep normally now. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, multiple times. I used to wake up super early for no reason and sleep late. I'm getting back to my regular self. I missed it. I don't need a guy, I don't want a guy right now. I want to focus on myself and do what's best for me. It was a rough week but I know I'll get through it. I've done it before.

I don't want to be considered dependent on a guy but I like being loved and cared about. I don't know why I feel like I need a guy but I really don't. Right now I think I just need time but I DEFINITELY don't want a guy in my life. I need to focus on me but I miss having someone around to show that affection. Time is what heals wounds but I just want this heartache to be over

I dont know why but being here makes me feel miserable. I ALWAYS feel sad when I am back home. No one listens to me, no one cares about me. I feel so alone and my boyfriend doesn’t even talk to me. He doesn’t even try. Why do I feel so alone when I have a boyfriend? He should be there no matter what and check up on me but he doesn’t even do that. It doesn’t even feel like he cares for me. I try so hard but he gives no effort. Why do I feel like crap? Why do I always want to scold him and make him understand how I feel? I want to ignore him but I shouldn’t since I like him but why do I even like him?? He makes me so much more sad than I should be. He should be my best friend but right now he doesn’t even feel like a friend. 

I came home on Friday and I was so happy to see everyone. I was actually debating on staying longer because I’ve misssed everyone and I may be able to make more money back home since I wouldn’t have to go out all the time and also I dont have to pay for grocereies. Today, I decided that I might as well go home. Then my mom barges in and started yelling at me saying  “Do you REALLY have an interview? I think you’re lying”. This made me book my ticket right back to Philadelphia. She is making me seem like I can’t do anything right and my decisons are wrong and stupid. I want to prove her wrong. I want her to know that I can do something without her help. I am not going to get any more financial help from her anymore. No more, she won’t have to complain anymore. 

Do you ever have this feeling where if you go back to a certain place you start feeling those emotions you felt years ago? It's this empty feeling where you felt like you couldn't escape. You were trapped, stuck and you felt like there's no way out. It's a horrible feeling having to go back. It feels even worse when you don't have a choice to return or not.