Texts from your favorite paladins in space

(414): What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.

(631): OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

(512): you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator

(608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

(201): Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

(310): Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

(437): I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.

(239): He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.

(618): We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.

(517): Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.

(815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

(757): It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.

(216): The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.

(985): shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

(978): OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

(937): he is so annoying (513): so stop sleeping with him (937): yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk

(314): Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.