Texts from Team Machine

(309): Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.

(563): Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.

(407): When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.

(949): Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises

(404): We still on for Manwhore Monday?

(267): If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so

(330): it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body

(310): If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare

(305): He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!

(202): In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?

(870): Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?

(920): I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.

(303): He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.

(705): Two words: nipple clamps

(253): Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…

(870): There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.