I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish

Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

I refuse

We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.

I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor

So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.

I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing

Nope

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

Holy shit, we’re married as fuck.

I don’t really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?