lmao

i wish i lived in the sims, i could just be like “ooh, shooba wormie!” and eat a sandwich

i hate being ignored i Despise it but i ignore every1 i am ignoring like 3 people right now for no particular reason ….. crazy..

don’t date someone who doesn’t put the grocery cart back in the cart return

It’s called creating jobs

actually its called ‘not being rude and making someone’s job easier’

*pours box of cornflakes directly onto the floor of Aisle 7* it’s called creating jobs sweetie ;)

reasons that i was going 9 mph over the speed limit today: the lumberjack in the big red chevy truck behind me on this double-lined road was in a hurry and also was using a slightly more powerful bluetooth radio to play his music, but he was using the same frequency that i use, and he was just playing Party In The Usa on repeat, so every time he caught up to me my music started fading out and “i pUT MY HANDS UP THEY’RE PLAYIN MY SONG” started blaring from my speakers and i was justly running for my fucking life

me, logically: it’s never gonna happen the tiny hopeful goblin in my brain: but what if it did

To whoever controlling me as a SIM, fuck you

i’m actually pretty cool just give me like 5 tries to get it right

the best thing about having the house to myself is that I can make breakfast in my underwear

Today a student emailed over a draft of his essay on 1984 and had clearly used a thesaurus on every single word, and how I know this is because the the party slogan ‘Big Brother is watching you’ had become ‘Enormous Sibling is viewing you’ and I lauged so hard I cried

anybody who over 5'5: I hate ur giraffe looking, shrek jumbo size, t-rex looking, palm tree looking musty ass

need a stool? I couldn’t hear you all the way down there

There’s something so pure about someone who’s excited to be around you. Like yes tell me you want to see me, tell me when exactly you want see me, tell me you want to kiss me, tell me you miss me, tell me you’re looking forward to next time we meet. Vocalize

will anything ever be as iconic as brooklyn nine nine getting cancelled and then being picked up for another season the day after? unlikely

it must be so nice to be rich instead of like … having to develop a personality

shut up lol

buy my silence

i want to fight myself

“I m gay and confused” is probably my new life motto

Language policing at its finest

me to my skin: I know ur trying, but try harder