my tumbling space

i'm just going to get right to it. this is a moany whiny bitchface crying post about how it feels like no matter what i do, my boss's boss does NOT like me.

today was our enterprise assortment planning team meeting and i had prepared a process map.

last week i had the absolute bare bones of it. in the meeting it was totally torn apart and i of course had to go back to square one.

this time i was (or at least i FELT) much better prepared for the meeting and my process map had incorporated all of the takeaways that she'd given from the previous meeting and I EVEN DID THE PAOLO FROM PRINCESS DIARIES BIT IN THE MEETING (because i was flying high as a kite on my pride in my work).

anyway, i did the whole spiel and xiao literally saw it and grunted.

so.

ya.

no matter what i do, i'm unable to get anywhere.

i know, i know. what's mine will always be mine and what's not will never be mine. i guess i should just focus on working that much harder.

but i needed a moment to vent.

and now i've taken it.

much love,

y's family here in mississauga decided they wanted to go down to the states to spend time with the family down there. and his mom of course went ahead and invited us as well. i won't lie....i was in NO MOOD.

so i said no. i'm sorry, but y has denied my family/friend stuff for less so i felt i had a right. also added on top that i'm preggers and extremely tired all the time means that i just couldn't find the energy to go and pretend to enjoy myself among folks that i do not genuinely enjoy myself with nor that i have any community with.

i'm sorry that this is the way it is. but it is this way.

ANYWAY, this is supposed to be a fun post.

SO instead of going, i told my own family (mom/sister) to come and spend the weekend with us. and the way it just sort of naturally worked out was....none of their partners (my BiL and my dad) were able to come either.

which....i can't say i'm mad about because it was probably part of the reason that the weekend was as amazing as it was!

friday night i did some cleaning etc but e and i went to sleep (y had left for michigan late morning on friday). the next morning i woke up around 6-ish and from the very beginning we were in a mad dash. i did a WHOLE bunch of laundering, a WHOLE bunch of grocerying. and then i even had volleyball (which i was extremely happy not to miss).

esa of course accompanied me everywhere all the while asking "when is khala coming, when is nano coming, are they here yet!?".

all of this took us to early afternoon when we finally got home and j had gotten there just 5 minutes prior.

and so began our excellent weekend. first the kids ate some food (i whipped up a quick matar chawal) and then we had planned to go to audley rec centre to play. so we walked on over and the kids played and played at the park. then we went to the eid mela happening there and got some snacks and then we walked back home.

once we got home, i gave esa a bath and then put him to bed and j put her girls to bed. then her and i hung out and chatted and ordered some nachos and chatted some more. j went to sleep and i stayed up waiting for mama to arrive (she was coming with some family friends who were at the same wedding she was at). mama arrived around midnight and immediately told me to go sleep (which i did) and then got into bed herself.

the next day we woke up, had breakfast, hung out in the backyard and park etc and then decided we should go to port perry. once we got to port perry, the first item on our agenda was to get us and the kids filled up on some ROIGHTEOUS ice cream :p

i posted about this on instagram and turns out that same family friends who had dropped off mama the night before were there as well! and she saw my story and messaged me!

once we had our ice cream we went to the parkette and then they found us and mama went to hang out with them while j and i hung out watching the kids.

after that we also went to say salaam and shortly after came home. at home i ordered some fish and chips which arrived right on time while j was bathing the girls.

then finally we had dinner, hung out a tiny bit more, and then j was off back to her place.

and now mama is hanging out with us throughout this week and i can't say how happy i am in this weekend and these moments. i loved this weekend. it was the corest of all core memories.

my elder neice and my son get along SO WELL NOW that i can't explain the happiness it gives me. and my younger neice is FINALLY WARMING UP TO ME. THANK THE GOOD LORD.

otherwise she hates me :p girlfriend was born with a stranger danger so hard that she's mistaken me for a stranger and just hates me :p

my heart is so full and i'm so grateful for these moments.

even though y was not here all weekend, e had the best time in the world and so did i! and i specifically am mentioning this because on friday evening of course and any other time that y is AWAY e is a mopey mess "i miss baba, i wish baba was here, i miss him so much mama". but this time, he was surrounded by love and family and friends (and a couple phadday here and there) and it was the best time.

and also - CHERRY ON THE FRIGGIN TOP OF THE AMAZING TIME THAT IS THIS WEEKEND - i've unlocked a new hobby with my son! watching the great canadian baking show!! we binged through all of season 9 together these past few days.

he loves it so much and i do too obviously.

anyway, signing off with a heart so full that it might actually explode....

much love,

is how i feel like these days at work.

my manager hired an extremely competent colleague. she's GREAT. i am very happy to have her on the team and i enjoy a great casual work friendship with her and she's genuinely great!

however....it also feels like despite being the most senior in the role, i am constantly getting pushed and it almost feels like she's getting groomed for succession over me.

and i guess it's getting to me.

i know. i know what you will say, what will be mine will be mine and no one can stop that and what will not be mine will not be mine and i cannot do anything to change that.

but the thing is....it really sucks.

i feel like aside from my manager, the other person who's constantly putting her forward among the team is my avp (manager's manager). and she has had a bias against me for a while.

and maybe the bias is legitimately formed and maybe it's not. but the fact of the matter is....for better or for worse, she's the superstar on the team.

i feel like if i stick around in the same role for much longer, i might just end up in a rut.

if i'd ever wanted to move...now is it. i want to move. i want to start fresh. i want to go somewhere else.

and i want to stop feeling so sorry for myself :'(

soooo we did our first ever cruise this month!

and to top it off - it was a friends trip with s & f and their families!

this was such an incredible experience, so as usual, here i go with the details of every day!

DAY 1 - APR 11, 2026 - SAT

early morning we had our flight from toronto to fort lauderdale (florida) because that was where the cruise was taking off from

we got to fort lauderdale around noon and waited (a while) for our baggage - then we took an uber to the hotel we had booked nearby. this hotel was actually offering shuttle services for free, but my brain farts were strong during this trip (more on this later) sooooo i had forgotten

anyway, once we got to the hotel, we checked in, our room was ready, and esa and yasir and i took a bit of a nap

after i woke up, i went to the wendy's directly across the hotel parking and grabbed some food for the 3 of us and then esa and i went into the hotel pool

overall it was a great time in the pool and then we showered and got dressed and headed out

i looked up stuff to do in fort lauderdale and found that there was a boardwalk next to the ocean which was a nice walk so we did that for the night and then grabbed dinner at a local greek place which was FREAKING DELICIOUS and then finally ubered back to the hotel and went to bed

DAY 2 - APR 12, 2026 - SUN

this was the day the cruise was boarding and also the morning we saw s& f and families at dinner (they arrived late the night prior)

we saw them at breakfast at the hotel and immediately the kids got busy with each other and hung out

i had brought a few activities so i took them out and then s, f and i went to the local grocery store to pick up some drink cans and snacks for the cruise

once we were done, we got back to the hotel and basically packed up to get ready to board

we took 2 ubers collectively to get to port everglades where we boarded Royal Caribbean - Oasis of the Seas and the minute we got on the ship, i was in love! it was H U G E and BUSTLING and soooo coool

once we got on, we went straight for lunch at the windjammer (buffet) and got us and the kids fed

after that we were told our rooms were ready so we went and checked in to our rooms - i had booked an ocean view balcony room and oh man it was just lovely and soooo well worth the upgrade!

then we took a bit of a nap and then woke up, showered, and got ready to go for dinner as the cruise started its journey in the evening

that evening was the cruise wide prank for making your partners wear the same shirt - yasir of course took forever to get ready so we MISSED the big group picture. but we ended up getting there in time for a mini after picture so that was nice :p

once we did the pictures, we roamed around the promenade deck and the kids had a go on the carousel and then we walked through the central park deck and enjoyed all of that.

after that we met back up with s & f and families and had dinner at windjammer and then went to do some dancing at the main deck and then stayed up late for the balloon drop on day 1!

after balloon drop, we went back to our rooms and slept

DAY 3 - APR 13, 2026 - MON

this was our first port stop so we woke up nice and early and went for breakfast at the windjammer buffer

then we all got our stuff together and got ready to take the ferry off the ship to the port at nassau bahamas

we had done the royal caribbean private area excursion and let me tell ya it was SO WORTH it

we went first to the beach, however noticed immediately that the sand had a giant red flag stationed in it indicating that the water was FAR too wavy and strong and dangerous to actually do any swimming in

still, we managed to get wet and have fun and esa lost his bucket and it was just lovely

after the beach we took a break for lunch which was right there on the private island and then headed to the pool where we spent the rest of the afternoon just swimming and hanging and swimming and hanging

finally we got out, had some more food and drinks, and then headed back to the ferry to the ship

this time the ferry dropped us off WAY farther away from where it picked us up and all of us were nervously walking ahead to make sure we could get back on the ship on time

once we were back on the ship, we showered and we (y, e and i) went for a nap - or should i say a G L O R I O U S nap

after we woke up from the nap we went down for dinner at windjammer

after dinner we went to catch aqua 80 which we had made reservations for that night, however the show got cancelled due to ship wind/wave conditions

so instead we roamed around and ended up at the musical show in one of the theatres on the ship and watched that

it was my least favourite show - but that didn't mean it wasn't awesome!

DAY 4 - APR 14, 2026 - TUE

on this day, before breakfast, s and f had booked a "fab abs" class so we went to that - i barely did any of it but it was fun either way in the ship's giant spa/gym facility!

this was a sea day so after breakfast at windjammer, we went to the pool and the kids went into the splash pad and they played and played and played

we also spent some time in the ship pool but mostly the kids just played in the splash pad which was good enough for them so it was good enough for us :p

after a good looong morning by the pool, we grabbed lunch at the windjammer and then headed back to our room for - YOU GUESSED IT - a g dang nap :p

after the nap, we went to the family science experiment with f & family and saw a reaction immitating a volcanic eruption - the kids enjoyed it!

once that happened we went up to the deck to take some pictures and then we went to dinner

after dinner we went to watch the ice skating show and OH MAN WAS IT EVER IMPRESSIVE. the way the figure skaters skated was something else!

after that, we hung out, danced a little bit, and eventually we went to bed and that was that :)

DAY 5 - APR 15, 2026 - WED

on this day we grabbed breakfast at windjammer and had arrived at falmouth, jamaica and so we got off the ship and went to the beach

this excursion was just y, e and i and while i mostly stayed on the lounger at the beach and enjoyed a nap in the sun, yasir and i played and had a grand old time at the beach, playing in the water

it rained a tiny bit and there was a lot of sea weed on the beach, but y and e found a spot that didn't have a bunch and stayed there and it was great

then we went back to the port in jamica and while y was fully in the mood to hang out and explore the port, i was super tired and just wanted to get back to the ship, take a shower, and take a nap

so we hung out for a bit, esa got a little shark souvenir (and later asked to trade it for a guitar toy) and i got some ice cream and then that was it, and we headed back to the ship

once we were back on the ship, we went first to grab some lunch

after lunch, we showered and napped

after our nap we went to grab dinner with the rest of the crew and then went to watch the aqua 80 diving show which - oh goodness was SO FREAKING impressive i cannot describe!

DAY 6 - APR 16, 2026 - THU

on this day we had decided to steer clear of the pool and water stuff and just do all of the activities

so after breakfast we went and the kids watched the movie mario bros

s, f and i went and hung out at central park while they were watching and afterwards when the movie ended we took the kids to the little kid play area where they hung out and had a blast

after that we went and grabbed lunch

and this was also the day in the evening when we went ice skating (i took two STRUGGLE-FULL rounds around the rink while holding on to the edge the WHOLE time) and then had dinner

of course, in the middle of this day, we took one of our longest naps :p it was amazing

i think this was also the day we ported at port labadee in haiti - however we didn't actually get to leave the ship because of the social conditions in the country

instead the ship was dropping off humanitarian aid so that was something

DAY 7 - APR 17, 2026 - FRI

on this day we woke up, had breakfast, and then went to the pool

the guys and the kids spent all their time in the water and so s, f and i just got to hang out and enjoy each others' company

after the pool we grabbed lunch at windjammer

this was the ONLY DAY that we didn't take a nap (though paid for it by the end of the night when i couldn't keep my eyes open) BUT y and e did take a nap

while they napped, i went down with f & s and walked around the walking path of the ship

then we went back to our rooms and got ready to go to dinner

we did dinner in the main dining hall on this day (our last on the ship) and had the servers sing a happy birthday song for both esa and i (s's elder daughter) since both of them are april babies

then after dinner the girls went and picked out the pictures they wanted to purchase while i sat on the bench and contemplated the mistake i had made by not napping that day

after that i dragged myself to bed (but not before setting MULTIPLE SUPER EARLY morning alarms since i had absolutely NO energy to pack that night)

DAY 8 - APR 18, 2026 - SAT

on this day we woke up SUPER EARLY in order to pack everything

after packing it was basically breakfast time and the ship and already returned to dock at port everglades in fort lauderdale

so we took our baggage and walked off the ship

after walking off we headed straight to the airport where f and i were on the same flight and then hung out there for the next few hours

then we took our flight (slightly delayed) and came back home and went to my parents' place and stayed the night

DAY 9 - APR 19, 2026 - SUN

woke up nice and early and had breakfast

esa played a bunch with nano and nana and i

then y woke up and he had breakfast

eventually we got ready and headed back home

and that was that for our cruise vacation

that's all the memories i have to share right now - and somewhere i'm sure i've messed up the order of events. BUT OVERALL i think i covered it all lol

much love,

even though work is taking up close to 80% of my time and days during the weekdays, i have got to say the work i'm doing, the team i'm working with...they're all great! i am enjoying myself IMMENSELY.

but even apart from that, on the train home the customer service ambassador was the actual GOAT. he was sooo funny!

here's all the jokes i caught of his on the ride home:

his is xyz your customer service ambassador. i’m actually working from home this evening

if you miss this train the next train is in 3 to 7 business days

our next station stop is Cancun

stand clear of the doors, the doors are closing. have a great weekend…….its only Wednesday

your next station stop is Pickering. Pickering…that’s the last thing I said to her before she left me

i've taken off tomorrow and friday and i'm so ready to spend my time with my family and friends and with food and food and food :p

much love, hope your eid is excellent!

i'm determined, because after 10 years of marriage, i want him to understand how it feels to sit there and watch him around my family completely ignoring everyone on his phone or else just not being present altogether. whatever it is that makes him act the way he acts around my parents and my sister.

despite that we've recently been in a good stretch of our marriage, i want him to truly understand how it makes me feel when he acts as obnoxious and little and petty as this.

and i think - well at least partially, i think the point is making its way across. he's great at letting things go and not making them a big deal, but he has also gotten upset with me already about supposedly showing disrespect (not supposed - very intentional).

i can't believe i'm actually writing all this down.

but more importantly, as i'm doing what i'm doing and i'm doing it as intentially as i'm doing it i can't honestly believe that yasir continues to behave this way.

i feel like the lowest i've ever been. i feel dirty and petty and little and gross from the shitty way i'm behaving ON FUCKING PURPOSE DURING THE MONTH OF RAMADAN right now.

and yet, my husband, despite being made EXTREMELY AWARE of the way that he is treating my family incorrectly or disrespectfully CONTINUES TO BEHAVE IN THE WAYS THAT HE BEHAVES.

how?

why?

it's taken me almost 10 years in my marriage to be able to show outright and intentional disrespect and i'm still only at a place where i'm doing it subtly. and yet, y's been this way from the FUCKING GET GO.

a part of me really hates him for this. but i've tried and yelled and screamed and asked and begged for my point to come across in any other way than to do this. and i think it's tearing my soul apart.

so i'm going to stop. i'm going to not be the bigger person, but i can't tear myself apart this way. my soul is hurting. i am showing disrespect to an elderly lady. so i resolve to stop - despite that it makes me angry the my husband behaves and frankly the way his family behaves.

i'm going to try and stop.

because if i keep down this path, i think i might just become accustomed to it. i think i might normalize disrespect the way its completely normalized for my husband and his family. i think i might become hardened and petty and that is not something i aspire to be, that is not somethinig i aspire to teach e. and i have to acknowledge that i'm doing wrong by my son by being this way.

may Allah swt forgive me for the sins i have perpetuated intentionally and unintentionally. may Allah swt give my heart ease in the knowledge that despite the fact that y has and continues to act the way he does that i will act out of respect and kindness for his family for the sake of ALLAH swt only. may Allah swt give my in laws and my husband hidayat and help them to understand the way they misbehave. may Allah swt bring e along on the right path and the good path and may he shelter my son from mine and y's wrongdoings. ameen sum ameen ya rabbul alimeen.

If you had a good childhood (I am under no delusion that everyones’ childhood was the same - some of us have unfortunate circumstances that we must live through early in life…but if that wasn’t you and you had a good childhood,) then you felt safe. Whether it was one parent or two or grandparents or aunts and uncles…you knew you were safe with them.

That is how my childhood was. We were a very conventional 2 parents, 2 kids family. We moved to Canada when I was fairly young and of course became a nuclear family without a lot of immediate other family in the area – though even back in our home country we had never had a joint family system in place. Just that our extended family members were in much closer proximity to us than they were in Canada.

So my parents have always been our safeguards. Growing up, it used to feel like that no matter what happened with us as kids if my parents were around they would protect us and keep us from harm. And it proved to be a very fair and true sentiment throughout our (I would consider fairly average) adolescence and even now into adulthood.

But now…it feels like things are changing and dynamics may be shifting. Not because our parents are not still our parents – rather because we are starting to see them truly age. I am going through this particular portion of my life currently.

Both of my parents’ children (my sister and I) are adults and busy in the hustle of our own lives. We no longer live with them, and while I thank our lucky stars every single day that we are all still located in the GTHA, it is still a distance. A distance that just does not exist when you are closer and obviously one that completely does not exist when you’re children all living under the same roof.

But here we are.

Watching your parents slow down, ease into their retirement, and…get tired easily, go to bed earlier…I think it might be one of the absolute most heartbreaking features of the age I’m at currently. Once the folks who I was convinced could stand tall on my behalf against anyone who would come at us, the folks who regularly protected us from all of harms’ way, the folks who made it their business to know what was in OUR best interests are entering a new stage of their own lives.

And let me tell ya – if it’s tough for us to watch as their children – it’s no picnic for them either! My father has gotten sick a couple of times in the past 4 months and I can see that he’s not okay with it either. He’s not okay having to take the backseat, he’s not okay having to be or appear weak in front of us, and especially our children. He’s not okay. And neither is my mom.

This will be a very tough chapter to navigate through because I would always want my parents to maintain their autonomy over their own lives. But on the other hand, all I want to do is beg and scream and cry that they come and live with me now because I can’t bear the thought of them getting older alone.

So here’s to the folks who raised us. Here’s to the ones who brought us along. Here’s to the ones to whom we owe a lot (if not all) of what and who and where we are today.

Here’s to the grandmas and grandpas of our children who sometimes love their grandkids more than they love us (haha, or so it seems anyway). I want to send a wish and a prayer out to everyone and their parents today that we can find mature ways to continue to maintain our parents’ self respect, dignity, and autonomy throughout their lives, that we may now be able to help and support them through this age, and that…when the absolute heartbreaking crushing thing has to happen that…we somehow get through it.

much love,

i am literally seeing esa for 2 hours in the day.

i'm quite literally missing his whole childhood.

i'm missing ramzan with my family.

i'm missing so so so much at the cost of a capitalist company built on colonial principals that is continually appropriating surplus labour as profits and it is not okay.

i hate this.

except that i do actually love my job. i love my independence. i love my income.

but i hate that it's coming at the cost of my personal life.

i want so badly to be home. i want SO badly to be present at home. to be home and NOT be tired or pissy.

i hate hate hate hate hate this.

but the silver lining - which is in fact this HUGE MAJOR silver lining is....yasir is handling everything! he's handling the house, esa, cooking, cleaning even. he's doing it all! i can barely believe my eyes. but there it is. and him and i have not been on such good terms overall for such a long streak in i don't even know HOW long.

this....is the nuts place in life where the only thing i can and SHOULD be saying is lakh lakh lakh shukar alhumdulillah. for everything that i have. my complaints are present but they are so little in the face of every single naimat i'm being handed on a silver platter.

so....shukar alhumdulillah for the azmaish that gives me such a great overall life. shukar alhumdulillah for the blessing that i'm calling "azmaish" now, but we all know Allah knows best and He alone is the best of planners.

and happened to come upon a "portfolio" folder for the first time ever!

and the G E M S i have found in this folder - I MEAN, I'M LITERALLY SOBBING.

sep 26, 2025

oct 17, 2025

nov 10, 2025

nov 13, 2025

dec 16, 2025

dec 18, 2025

jan 13, 2026

jan 20, 2026

i mean. i can't right now. my kid is a little human with complex feelings and emotions and memories. i cannot.

THANK GOD, shukar alhumdulillah times infinity that he's in the classroom of a teacher who brings out this amazing person from him! what a freaking privilege to be the parent of a student in ms. p's class.

may Allah swt reward her so much and over and over and over again for the effort she is putting into the futures of my children and all the other children in the class.

ameen sum ameen.

much love,

and i thought it, and then i thought omg i have to record it.

and of course...now that it's nighttime and i've got my laptop on me...here we are, having forgotten my thought.

sometimes, i really hate my brain. i wish it would retain better!

anyway. tomorrow is esa's cirriculum day for parents - which means we get to go to his school and play with him in the afternoon! i'm so freaking excited!

and for once, yasir has agreed to come as well! to an event at esa's school OF HIS OWN VOLITION.

i can't believe it, almost.

nuts in the butts.

anyway.

that's all for now i guess.

much love,

my birthday is jan 12th and this year my birthday was made especially memorable because 2 days prior i hosted secret santa for my university friends and ACTUALLY ended up hosting a super spreader viral event..............

literally everyone went home and got sick :'(

including esa and i.

so on the night before my birthday, esa got extremely sick and then just before midnight we went to the hospital and basically spent all morning there and the following day went back to the hospital for a follow up (where i got sick).

so that was how my birthday was.

my mom happened to be with us. but yasir ended up having to go to work and alhumdulillah neither yasir nor mama got sick.

anyway, all that to say that we did not celebrate my birthday. heck - i barely remembered my birthday.

and (while i did make note of this particular fact on the day of my birthday, i GENUINELY was not upset nor did i begrudge yasir for it) yasir did not even wish me at all on my birthday.

ANYWAY, so later that week mama stayed and on wednesday is when esa has his basketball lessons. so yasir called on mama's phone on his way back from work and i happened to be there (worked from home basically that whole week aside from the mon/tue i took off for sickness) so i picked up the phone. and we just spoke about who is taking esa for basketball and i said i would and that he should come too etc. it was a very general conversation.

anyway TODAY yasir told me that his actual idea that day when he called mama was to ask her if he should bring a cake home for me for my birthday. but since i picked up the dang call i missed that surprise for myself.

but....when he told me that, i think i melted.

i don't care about the cake, i don't frankly care about my birthday (i never truly have).

but he cared enough to devise a plan on his own and try and carry it through and omg. i just can't honestly believe it.

i think....i mean i've gone on believing that he doesn't care for me for so long....but now i think, was that true??? or even if it was true at a time in the past....has it CHANGED!?

maybe he does actually care for me!? he does think of me!?

this man does not make plans. HE MADE A PLAN FOR ME.

even as i write this i'm tearing up because have i been sincerely so blind!?

i love yasir. i've loved him since 2015 when we first started talking to each other. but these days...i think i might be falling back IN love with yasir.

and i won't subject you to any more of that lovey dovey crap.

much love,

i'm almost certain that i will not be the mom from the group of esa's friends that they all come to for food.

maybe i'll be the fun one. maybe i'll be the chill one. maybe the strict career one who's barely ever around (god i hope not, though)....but i just won't be the one who's kitchen is warm and smells delicious and that kind of makes me super sad.

mama (my mom) WAS/IS that mom. she is the fun one too. she is the one who's food i requested, who's food my friends enjoy.

i will be different...

i just hope whatever type of mom i am...that i will be enough for esa.

g'night.

so saima hosted a new year's party on jan 3rd and it was basically a super fun games and activity night.

one of the activities we did as part of it was create a 2026 bingo card!

here's mine :p

and i don't mean that like we're all lonely. but just...matter-of-factly, really. we are all truly alone.

we can share our greivances and our happinesses and it helps us to feel less alone. but the feeling we are having and the troubles we must endure are truly only our own. even if someone else and i are going through the exact same trouble within each others' vicinity - it does not take away from our individual trouble that we must face in that moment of time.

the fact is - we are alone.

it's nice to have folks....but i think being and understanding ones lone-ness is actually kind of critical to finding tawakkul in Allah swt.

maybe i've got it all wrong, but maybe i don't. if you understand that as a human you are objectively alone in your experience....maybe that understanding can help you alleviate all expectations from other humans!

am i making any sense?

in my head it's crystal clear - though execution and delivery are often a different case altogether for me.

in any case.

such is life.

sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in your own bullshit and only look back and see the bleak and dark.

but i made a mistake and completely forgot the good and happy.

and that's a very heavy mistake.

i shouldn't have done it. i should have remembered. i should have forced myself to remember that actually my childhood was good. we had a good time. my parents fostered safe environments. they did so much - too much.

we did well. we were loved. we are loved.

may Allah swt forgive my ungrateful attitude. ameen sum ameen.

much love,

sometimes i really wonder.

i love and respect and cherish my parents more than anything else in the world. they did everything for us, so i can see their love and i can feel it in my daily life.

but sometimes, i have to wonder....did i get raised a bit broken?

how come i can't trust myself? how come i second guess everything? how come i can't form an opinion without receiving any external validation?

how come i can't hold on to any opinion even if i do form it, the minute i hear opposition for it?

how come i'm dying to please you without even knowing you? how come i want to ensure you think of me a certain way?

it sucks. how come how come how come?

are these regular fears and concerns? are these regular insecurities? what is "Regular" and what is "Broken"?

who knows.

what is it about the clock striking 12 and the start of a new day that makes us believe that things will change? get better? that we can change? that we WILL change?

what it is about dec 31st that makes us feel like a chapter has closed and a new one will begin.

nothing ends, nothing starts - it's all a continuation.

you can make the same level of change on jan 1st as you could any other day of the year but what is it about this one day of the year that makes you feel like there might be hope still.

i guess it's probably just our own society that has ingrained it in our minds.

either way, the new year has begun. and so here are my resolutions - that i feel hopeful that this particular strike of midnight can help me somehow to accomplish this year:

pray more salah.

self regulate, self regulate, self regulate

refuse to bite into the rage or take the bait that makes me fight with y in front of e

read 12 books - one a month (read 10 in 2025)

be the parent that esa deserves....and he deserves better than what he's got right now.

be quiet more often. just....be. quiet.

those are the big and meaty ones i guess. lots of other stuff too, obviously, like continue on ozempic and hopefully lose the weight i'm hoping to lose....but we'll have to see on that.

that's all for tonight.

much love,