Just a weird lady and her cat

I'm worried because I don't think love, is what I think love is.

I'm worried I don't even know. Have I ever had it?

Do I completely fantasize love because I was never sure it existed in the first place?

Am I so sure subconsciously, that I will not have it, therefore I just imagine that I love someone?

I seem to be breaking my own heart, for a boy I wouldn't even "swipe right" on.

Who I wouldn't want anyway because he is very religious and part of a church who hates gay people?

And somehow, I've convinced myself that I love this person, even though I technically don't know much about him?

We just dance, and I watch him teach and it seems to me, that my mind has decided I could not possibly have what I want, or have someone with his qualities.

And therefore, I am not whole-heartedly giving these people a chance that I am purposefully going on dates with.

And I wrestle with the notion that there are things I cannot have. But why not? Why can't I express what I want? And that I am deeply unhappy that I can't have them? Why can't I stop being mild, and likeable.

Why can't I shout and cry and scream, like something feral I wish I could be. Because I'm tired of "being mature" and holding it together. When I want to scream into the winter air in the quiet forest, so that the world is made aware that I am uncomfortable.

I want to cry, and to yell and spit. Tell the one I want that I want them, and demand their attention. Even for a second, so we can all stop pretending that we all aren't struggling, and we aren't all feigning in our ability that we can keep it together.

I'm tired of being mature

I'm tired of keeping it together.