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He let out a loud belch about half a second after I walked in. The counters were a disaster zone, littered with jagged eggshells and empty protein cartons that looked like they’d been tossed by a bored giant. His back was mostly turned to me, revealing a pair of pink Hello Kitty boxer briefs stretched to their absolute limit over his massive frame—the fabric was screaming for mercy.

In his hand, he gripped a heavy cast-iron skillet that looked like a toy in his palm. He was mid-headbanger anthem when he heard my footsteps. Turning with a grin that could light up a stadium, he chirped, "Hey bubba! I was a little hungry, so I got up to fix some breakfast."

I picked up one of the discarded cartons as he paused to rip the cap off another and down it in three massive gulps. I glanced at the label: 40 grams of protein and 260 calories.

"Dude, how many of these have you had?" I asked, staring at the growing pile.

"Oh man, only like…" He paused, actually using his fingers to track the math. "This is my fourth this morning? Yeah. Just a little something to keep me from wasting away before the real food is ready."

He turned back to the stove, where a ten-egg scramble was already mountain-high and sizzling in a pool of butter.

The Morning "Snack" Continues… He scraped the massive pile of eggs onto a platter—not a plate, a literal serving platter—and shoveled a forkful into his mouth before he’d even sat down.

"You want some?" he mumbled through a mouthful of protein. "I could crack another dozen. I think we’ve still got some bacon in the fridge, but I was gonna save that for the pre-lunch snack."

I looked at the sink, which was already overflowing with more cartons, and then back at the Hello Kitty face currently being distorted by his quad muscles. It was barely 7:00 AM, and he had already consumed enough calories to power a small village for a week.

"I think I'll stick to coffee," I said, dodging a stray eggshell on the floor. "But at the rate you’re going, we’re gonna need to hit the grocery store by noon. And maybe a seamstress for those boxers."