Beena

i moved across the country to get my life in order and start over.

and you let her say that.

last year some jerk was texting and smashed into my car in stand still traffic. my car gets fixed but comes back worse. i pay way more money to get it fixed somewhere else.

last year my sister was hit on the highway and killed by some old man who didn’t see her. she didn’t die alone but she nevertheless died. 29 years old.

last year a giant german shepherd attacked me while i was delivering mail and bit a chunk out of my thigh. i still haven’t recovered. im terrified of dogs.

last year, my car got repossessed because i received no compensation for being attacked and i drained my retirement to get it back. now i’m penniless.

in january, my dad died. my family treated me like a stranger at his funeral. as if it was my fault he didn’t love me like the children that weren’t his. and the next day my car windows were busted out and my car was ransacked.

the weekend i decide to leave texas and go home for a reset , my car randomly breaks down after i already quit my job because i was leaving. now i’m stranded here. jobless. no money to fix the car.

today while driving your car after dropping you off, some dipshit makes a left turn into me. smashing in the drivers side door. all the air bags deployed. i’m still coughing from the fumes. you’re more upset about the financial burden than you are about me being okay. you won’t hug me and tell me it’s alright. you tell me not to go to the hospital because “nothings wrong with me.” you just sit and look at me in disgust.

i feel i’ve ruined your life. i could’ve died today. and you’re not grateful. you say you’ve already mentally and emotionally prepared for me to leave so i have to leave.

and now i’m inconsolable. and you ask me “why are you crying?”

because it’s too much. because i hurt. because i want to jump off a building. but you’ll look at my lifeless body in disgust the same way you do when i’m full of life.

i’m crying because you hate me and disguise it as tough love. i’m crying because life is whooping my ass every time i’m halfway healed. i’m crying because i’m married to someone who isn’t relieved i’m okay after all these traumatic things. just disappointed in me. i have nothing else to give but tears.

so i just cry. and you ask me aggressively

“why are you crying?!”

in the same tone as

“wtf you crying for?!”

and i say “everything!”

to which you say nothing and turn off the light and leave me in the dark to cry alone.