Temporary Stability

I've been noticing a lot lately that it feels more and more to me as though I am not someone people voluntarily interact with, and that's okay. People change and we're all learning and growing. A lot's been going on and I do have a tendency to be described as being intense, focused, abrasive, and a lot of similar descriptions. I also understand there's a lot going on in the world and many of us are struggling, which makes it even harder to interact with people like me. And I understand that most people's lives have nothing to do with me; that I am only a character in my own story. I try really hard not to show or talk about how much things hurt. I try really hard to just be grateful for all that I do have in my life because I really have spectacular and wonderful people in my life. I like to think I try to be the supportive person who always cheers for my friends and sometimes for random strangers. I like to think that I'm at least a semi-decent person. I was going through my following / followers / mutuals list tonight and I noticed a great many of the tumblrs I follow haven't been updated in years, sometimes even decades. I also noticed that some of the blogs I've befriended over the years are now gone and empty, so either they deleted everything or I've been blocked. And I guess it just highlights the parts of internet culture that quietly hurt the most. Are they still out there? Are they doing okay? I hope they're okay. I hope their lives are going well and that they are finding joy and happiness and I hope for the best because maybe it's easier to believe that they're somewhere out there, happy, than to think that something happened to them or that I did or said something that made it so I'm not someone they want in their lives anymore. Whether it has any basis in reality or if it's just my massive depression and anxiety feeding on the current events in my country, I feel more and more as though my presence is not useful or needed and that the people I care about the most have lives that are much better and happier without me. And there's that tangible part of things where texts, emails, and messages pass without reply and my phone never rings. I know I am also not the best at replying to things. I know feeling disconnected and unwanted is probably in my head and the truth is more likely that people who matter to me don't wish me ill but they just don't have the energy for me. I get it. I really do. I guess it's still hard, though, and even though I intellectually know these things, it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. I have yet to figure out a viable way to encourage my heart to not hurt. Like losing friends and no longer being a wanted part in their lives, or even a sideline supporter. And there's the frustrating part where I don't even know what I did or said that motivated them to not want me around anymore. I know no one owes me an explanation for anything, ever. But how am I supposed to try to learn and grow and be a better me if I don't know what I'm doing wrong? To those whose lives have crossed my path, I am grateful for you and whatever presence you have had in my life. If you were a passing stranger who held the door for me or if we've known each other for years, I am grateful for you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being you. If you're someone who has chosen for us to drift apart or if we've drifted apart naturally, thank you for being there for me. Memories of our conversations still make me smile and I hope they will one day make you smile, as well. I hope someday the memory of me becomes something positive and not a chore. Thank you for being awesome and wonderful. I do truly hope your life is filled with happiness, joy, friendship, family, love, laughter, and the best shenanigans :) Thank you for being in my life, no matter how long or short that time was. You matter and I'm lucky to have you in any way in my life, even just memories :)

Winter has always been my favorite holiday time. Maybe it’s because I remember when I was little how the world seemed to slow down during the winter months. My family wouldn’t have as many responsibilities for work and school and we got to spend the snowy days out sledding. I remember many of our snow storms seemed to arrive mostly at night and how my dad and brothers and I would walk down to the golf course and go sledding. We would sled for hours after the sun set and then come back and mom would have hot chocolate ready for us. I remember watching the snow fall and reading. I remember the world being so much quieter. Now, 30-40 years later, winter is still my favorite time, but I can’t describe how much I absolutely DESPISE “Christmas” and the commercialization of literally everything. From my perspective, a time of family and reflection has turned into just another sway for companies to abuse their workers while chasing corporate greed. I understand that this time of year generates a lot of the finances needed to keep a lot of smaller businesses afloat but I can’t help but be angry at how all this focus on making money has disallowed pretty much everyone from being able to take an actual break. We learned during covid-19 that “essential” workers are basically everyone in retail and food service, which are two areas where employees are treated the worst. Those who work the hardest are those who seem to get the least reward for their labors, but it is their labors and definitely not the labors of CEOs, millionaires, billionaires, and owners which actually generate all the income for these establishments. Those who work the hardest reap the fewest rewards, just as those who order war are never those who pay for it. During the winter holiday time, pretty much from the day before Thanksgiving all the way until the day after Christmas, I do everything possible to not spend any money if I can help it. I save up what I can and make larger purchases at other times throughout the year so I am not participating in excessive “holiday” profit. I realize I am a distinct minority in not participating in “convenient” options to buy anything through the “a-z” store. I realize how bizarre many people view me for sacrificing next-day delivery or instant gratification in an attempt to buy as ethically as possible. Maybe I feel a little alone in my views. Maybe it’s hard sometimes for me to feel like I’m the only one doing the right thing, even though I know perspectives of “right” and “wrong” are different for different people. But I also feel as though we as a society ought to be spending more time living our lives, enjoying the company of friends and family, and less time burning ourselves out to the grind of companies who do not care about their workers and who will always view their employees as expendable chattel. I know we all feel trapped. I know we all feel as though there are no good or “right” choices. I know we all feel like things aren’t going to get better. 2022 has been a shitshow of a year but we made it. So do good recklessly. Be kind. Take care of each other. And take care of each other as much as we can. Enjoy what parts of life we have while we have it. Take care of the world in which we live. Be the change you wish you could see in the world.

20200821: My very first piece of art, using my new digital tablet and Krita! Is it simple? Absolutely. Do I have a lot to learn and a long ways to go? Absolutely! But I think it’s going to be fun. So. Happy art-ing to everyone :-)

20190603: Puppers decides to get comfortable in the kitchen of my new house! I’m finally back in my home state and it’s wonderful!

20190714: This was the first (and only) Pride event I’ve ever attended. It’s taken me a really long time to come to terms with my queerness and the Puyallup Tribe absolutely welcomed me. They are wonderful people and they made my first Pride truly memorable.

20200714: Someone I love has been having a really rough go of things so I decided to try and do something really special for her and bake her a cake! (This is significant because anything I ever attempt to make always goes very badly). I chose a marble cake because it’s one of my own favorites and it actually came out really well! So I cleaned up the kitchen, bought a dozen roses, and made a really nice set up to hopefully make her feel better :-) The cake was delicious!

20200719: my camping buddy, Puppers, joins me for my first camping trip in years. Don’t worry! Puppers definitely curled up inside the tent after this picture :-)

Someone whose perspectives have changed with age, knowledge, and empathy.

Source: https://cajacobs.com/2018/09/17/wtf-is-wrong-with-us-a-massive-life-rant/