BLAKE

I miss him. I want to see him. I’m nervous he doesn’t care to see me

He texted me. He missed me. 🥰

I haven’t been kissed in so long. I think I forgot how

The way I feel about you weighs on me because I know I shouldn’t want to but I do. I have from the moment I met you.

It is so funny how emotionally closed off my mom is

I’m sad now lmaoooo

I miss him and think about him every second this is not fun. I just wanna get to the point where I have moved on. I want to be his friend and talk w him again but I know it’s not good. He really played the fuck out of me. Everything was a lie :/

I genuinely miss him so much and I don’t know why it hurts so much. But I know if he were to hit me up I’d just be happy to hear from him. I just hate that I feel like I don’t matter at all to him. Like why would you tell me all those things if st the end of the day it doesn’t matter and you could leave me just as easily as everyone else. I also feel like a fool because of how I feel I feel like I made it all up and it’s driving me insane. All I can think is that if I post something he’s like bro I don’t give a fuck. But that’s me always searching for the worst. I knew it was gonna be bad for me when he reminded me of my dad. The empty promises and fake stability. All my friends told me it was a bad idea but I still went for it against my better judgement and now look at me heart broken and missing him 🙄 lmaooo. We used to work together in the same city but then he moved to Tennessee and I even told him I was scared to do it because I’ve always been hurt w long distance and he said he wouldn’t hurt me.. I was meant to fall for him and he was always gonna leave.

So I know yesterday I was complaining about my terrible love life buttt I have a FAT crush on this guy in my English class. He’s so nice and today we shared my book because he didn’t have one and he laughed at my jokes. Ugh he’s so cute. He’s like you’re typical white boy but he has pretty eyes and curly hair ☺️💕💕. Besides that today I was alright. In the morning I was mad late and I was so scared that I was gonnna be late to my class. And my gps took me on a different route and there was so much traffic, I was crying, it was a mess lmao. But I made it on time so it was cool.

So I’ve always had the worst dating life. Like that shit doesn’t work out for me, boy or girl. But recently I was talking to this guy who was like a perfect match BUT he is moving to Maine which is where you can see my bad luck fall into play. But anyway so he’s living and that really sucked because I was about to start school and not to sound heartless I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship (been there, still healing from that) so I started to lose interest. Or I wouldn’t allow myself to get feelings for him. And now it’s been a week and he’s already got a new gf. I mean like it’s chill like go off king. I want him to be happy. It just sucks for me cuz I am yet again alone. I guess I’m used to it by now but it still hurts. I just feel unloveable. And I know some people want to be an optimist and say that someone amazing is coming but I don’t know the future all I know is that rn I’m alone wondering why no one likes me. But what I really think is that I don’t care about him I actually am upset that my best friend from 3rd grade isn’t talking to me. I try to reach out and talk to her but she never answers then I see her on the phone with someone else or going to others about things she would talk to me about. I miss her and I can’t even get a hold of her

So I just survived my first week of college 🎉. On the real I was SO nervous to start because I was going to be all alone. None of my close friends went to the same school as me. I was nervous that I wasn’t going to make friends, that I would get lost, that I would be stuck in crazy miami traffic, etc etc. But it turns out it wasn’t all that bad. My professors are all really nice and IM STARTING TO MAKE FRIENDS! I know it sounds silly that I get so excited about making friends but in college it’s really hard to make friends because everyone is doing they’re own thing. That was my big fear that I wouldn’t be able to connect with anyone. I felt that maybe I’m not as funny as everyone says I am or not as fun to be around and I knew hat college was really going to test that. And I did. One thing I tried to keep in mind was to be myself ( I know that sounds stupid like Off a cheesy planner cover) but I didn’t want to be fake. I wanted to take this time to reinvent myself. Not change everything about me but amplify the parts that I hide away cuz I was nervous my high school peers would accept me. But the college me wanted to make friends that would except me for the way I am. And I have! It seems like everyday I meet someone cool. That’s enough about he social part of college now to the work part.... boring I know. I really enjoy all of my classes except my nutrition class. It’s chill but my professor goes one crazy tangets and it’s so hard to focus. But he gives us the power points so think I’m just gonna be self taught cuz it’s so easy and use that time to work on my writing. Other than that everything is super chill and the college experience is amazing so far (EXCEPT the book prices. Like what the fuck). I joined two clubs and they start next week so I’m excited to go and meet the new people in there. So right now I would say my college experience is: ☺️💕🤠

I think I’m gonna start writing in here, kinda like a diary/journal. This will be a place where I can freely express how I feel, Sum up my days, and just goof off. Some moments I’ll be serious and others I’ll be silly. I guess I really will just write whatever comes to mind. MAYBE I’ll even do little stories.. you know to switch things up 🤪. Normally I keep a physical journal but I was talking to my brother and I sort a want to start a blog. So this is it! I’m starting, no more pushing it off or waiting for the “right time” I am starting now. Get on that “No better day than today” bullshit. I will try to do an entry at least once a day but who knows maybe one day I’ll do so many things and the next I do nothing. We’ll play it by ear. Some life updates so I can tell where I am. I just finished my first week of college. I’m a freshman. My birthday is coming up. I want to get a tattoo and that’s about it right now. I’ll make another entry about my first week. But this is my start. I can No longer just wait for the “right time” my time is now. “So greeting loved ones let’s take a journey” -snoop dogg