teddy🧸

got high last night got called out by mom and still feel balls high next morning

ramsha if you could stop talking about how less you eat and how need to eat because you feel dizzy and that you’re off carbs to fit into your dress for winter ball and stop talking about bmi that would be great thanks

val if you could stop showing me photos of how big your tiddies used to be before you MANIFESTED them into being smaller knowing how much it pisses me off that would be great thanks

why why why is when there is an important function coming up i want to isolate myself to the point where no one on planet earth no longer has any memory of who i am yet at the same time i want everyone around me to hold me and just be there

genuinely why do i keep letting people walk over me. no like. what is wrong with me. why am i always the butt of the joke. surely it’s not that easy right. im not that pathetic.

i miss the rage.

why am i doing this? i should recall what it was like, not eating for hours, feeling faint, seeing my weight, looking sick. i miss the rage. i really really do. getting that hot feeling in my stomach, the satisfaction and validation of completing a 36 hour, or longer, fast. it actually sickens me how much ive let myself go. i need to be able to throw up my shit and not feel a certain way about it. genuinely. this is actually so fucking embarassing. im always cribbing and crying about not being loved and being fat but hello? what am i doing to fix allat? nothing. why am i always down to go get food. why am i embarassed when i force others to eat. why does it strike a nerve when people discuss weight and how they havent eaten in hours. and god its so annoying. i need to drop at least 3 kgs and idk how im going to do that. literally what are the downsides to this? i get skinny, i feel pretty, i feel validated, i spend less money. is it not embarassing to look through my gpay history and see all transactions labelled food? how much of a fat fucking bitch do i have to be to explicitly spend money on junk? theres no fucking upsides to this shit. an added bonus is people noticing my weird relationship with food. i miss the beginning of 11th grade when vir and manya and others said they “never saw me eat”. though i initially denied it vehemently, i obviously was overjoyed. it meant it worked. and GOD DID IT WORK. I USED TO BE 47 KGS. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I NEED TO GO BACK. I MISS THE RAGE.