electra blu

the long awaited sequel for “How To Disappear”.

warnings: slight angst, mentions of drinking, using others, and some cursing lol

i wasn’t proud of myself. i didn’t like who i saw in the mirror anymore. i hated the way i would snap at people who i loved the most just because they were trying to help me. 

but most of all, i hated the way i pushed her away when she’s the person i love the most.

most mornings i wake up facing her side of bed only to be woken up with an empty space and cold sheets. her pillow still smelled like cherries and flowers. her clothes sitting in the bottom shelf of my dresser collecting dust. 

i still wear the heart locket i gave her on our anniversary. the same necklace she left behind after our argument. i trace the outline of it once in a while remembering how pretty it stood on her chest. 

there’s been so many nights where i’ve wanted nothing more than to just call her up and tell her to come over. but that wasn’t my position anymore. she was no longer mine. 

“conrad?” the soft melodic voice asked me in my ear. “conrad, are you even paying attention?” 

i turn my head, meeting the vibrant green hues of nicole’s. she looked aggravated and annoyed with me. we layed in the living room watching some shit movie she decided to put on. i zoned out about a couple of minutes in. 

i nod my head in response to her. the room already feels heavy with tension, i just know she’s going to chew my head off about something i don’t really care about. 

“conrad every time we hangout you don’t even pay attention to me. do you even really like me?” there was a sliver of insecurity in her voice that made me feel guilty.

the truth was i didn’t know if i liked nicole or not. after y/n and i broke up, i met her; she was pretty and nice and caught my attention. she was pretty decent to hangout with but she was no y/n. 

she didn’t even compare. she didn’t hold me like she did. her laugh didn’t sound as sweet as hers, her eyes didn’t twinkle the same, my nickname “connie” didn’t roll as smoothly off the tongue, but most of all she didn’t feel like her.

i should like nicole, i should be head over fucking heels for her. she’s every boy in cousins wet dream but here she is putting up with me. a distant, broken, and all around mess of a boy. 

nicole took my silence as an answer to her question. she rubbed her face in a harsh manner deeply exhaling through her nose. 

“you know what conrad? i don’t fucking get you.” her words were spit with rage. she shuffled back on the couch leaving distance between us. 

“you break up with y/n and hit me up to hangout; but yet everytime i’m with you, you want nothing more than a simple hookup. you’ll pretend to like me just to get in my fucking pants and do you know how frustrating that is?” tears begin to slowly puddle in her eyes. 

“nicole i-“ she cuts me off, letting herself finish her rant. 

“no conrad! you don’t get to use me to get over her! i have feelings too, you know. i really started to like you but it feels like every time you look at me you try to find a way to look at her. i’m not y/n and i never will be.” her words cut through my chest deeply. 

i spent all these weeks looking through nicole’s green eyes trying to find a simple similarity to y/n’s. i was spending time in her arms just to pass by the time. . 

everytime i looked at nicole, i only saw a glimpse of us. 

“i’m sorry,” i finally spoke in a soft broken whisper. i felt nothing but defeated and completely heart broken again. 

y/n would hate to see what i’ve become: a womanizer,  a heartbreaker.

nicole got up from the couch hastily grabbing her things. as i sat and watched it reminded me all too well when y/n left. the way she rushed but meticulously grabbed everything hoping i would say anything at all. 

but i wouldn’t. i would just sit and watch just to wallow in my own self pity later. 

nicole finished grabbing her things and walked to the front door. i slowly followed behind praying that my brain and mouth would work as one, letting me apologize instead of being a coward. 

she turned the doorknob slowly looking at me from behind her left shoulder with a droopy smile. 

“i’m sorry. i..i know it doesn’t mean much really but i am. i thought the more time i spent with you the more i’d forget about her.” the confession left my lips as a tear i didn’t know was forming touched my cheek. 

“you loved her conrad. you were meant for her, i don’t even know why i developed the idea that we could be something.” she too was now crying as she spoke to me. 

“change for her conrad, be better for her.” those were the last words nicole left me with before she too disappeared behind the white wooden door.

i found my way to the kitchen grabbing a can of cherry coke from the fridge before sitting down at the island. 

i really really wanted nothing more than to have a beer right now but i was practicing sobriety for the sake of y/n. she hated it when i drank, but she hated me even more when i was drunk. 

i wanted to become a changed man for her, i needed to be. 

i rested my elbows on the countertop as my palms cradled my forehead. my lungs took deep breaths, in and out, in and out when my phone began to ring. 

blindly, i answered it without even looking.

“connie…” a voice as sweet as honey struck a nerve so deep inside me, it almost felt as if i was alive again. 

conrad x reader

nothing but pure fucking angst

“you’re not the only one who’s fucking hurting conrad.” the words left your mouth with a sour taste. you knew conrad would blow up in any second, and your sentence just gave you the ultimate death wish.

he stepped away from you as his eyes passed with a second of sadness before the blue in his irises turned black. he balled his once free hands into fists as he carefully chose his words.

yes, you guys were in a pretty heated argument but his worst fear is too ever say something out of anger that he will never get to take back.

“but what about me? don’t i get to hurt? don’t i get to deal with this in my own way? i understand that i’ve been more distant y/n, but i’m fucking hurting. everyday i wake up and smell her perfume within the empty halls just to realize that’s she’s not here. and her perfume is fuck-“ his voice breaks off.

“her perfume is fucking stuck to the walls like super glue and it’s nauseating.” his eyes leave you.

you know he’s hurting, he has been for months. you’ve given him time and space. you just miss the old him, the old us.

he can barely touch you, or look at you anymore. he doesn’t call you late at night when he’s studying anymore. no more late night showing up at your doorstep because he misses you. no more kisses at the red lights when you guys go on cruises. no more kisses in the rain. and no more pulling your hair behind your ears and kissing the tears the touch your cheeks when you have a rough day.

he was no longer the conrad that you knew. he became this ghost of a person on who you once loved. losing someone was hard, but losing someone who was still alive was harder.

everywhere you went; you were surrounded with the reminders of him and everything you guys used to be.

but god, you wish you could tell him that.

“con, i know you lost her. we all lost her. i lost her too, but that doesn’t mean you get to distance yourself for me and expect me be there when you’re ready to come back.” every time you spoke you were afraid that it’ll break him even more than he already is.

he’s been skating on thin ice for months before he has a full blown breakdown.

“i don’t understand what you fucking want me to do. i’m fucking trying. i can’t possibly give you more y/n, so please hop off my fucking dick already. it’s been months. just take the fucking hint already. leave me alone.” conrad stepped away from you and he gripped onto the granite countertop. his free hand pinched the bridge of his nose as his breathing lessened but hardened.

you flinched at his harsh words. they severed through the crumbling shell hitting you write in the chest. you eyes began to water up blurring the view of the boy in front of you.

“i’m tired,” you’re voice cracked. you watched as he stood there, lifeless, emotionless towards you. towards the argument you both just had but most of all to your relationship.

“what can that possibly mean y/n?” conrad questioned with a level of harshness in his tone.

you tried saving and salvaging everything the both of you built together with everything you possibly can. it was as if you were both two candles burning with the same flame. your fire still rapidly burning but Conrad’s was fading away. piece by piece.

you’re share your vibrant and strong flame as his would slowly die down but you’re burning your own flame out by trying to revive his.

a person can only take so much before they burn themselves out. you’re afraid it’s finally your time. the flame finally dying out leaving the room cold no longer kept alive with the heat.

“i can’t keep saving this. i’m tired of trying to pick up your broken pieces conrad. i can’t keep cleaning up your empty beer bottles that surround you as you sleep every night. i can’t keep trying to save you while i’m fucking drowning. it’s over conrad. i’m done.” conrad finally looks at you.

you thought you would break through finally to him. finally crack the wall that’s he’s built up for months now. instead, you received nothing but a blank stare and a slight furrow in him eyebrows.

you slowly begin to grab your things before heading to the front door. you turn the doorknob turning back to glance at him one last and final time.

conrad caught your glimpse. he now sat on a chair holding the same old beer bottle that chilled his hands every night. his stare was empty and cold. it was like you were never there.

you were now another ghost that haunted the house. filling it to the brim with more memories that conrad would later rinse down with the burn of alcohol down his throat.

you leave out the front door, practically spinning to the car. your knees buckling as you open the door and crash down on the seat. your sobs breaking the deafening quiet atmosphere that made your ears pound. your body releasing everything that you’ve kept in for months now.

you wanted to disappear. you wanted nothing more than to slip into the abyss of the unknown and just stay there for awhile. you wish you could forget conrad and everything you’ve been through together but you couldn’t.

conrad made you, you. you’d now have to learn to be without him. you’d have to wake up to cold beds in the morning that was once warm with conrad’s body heat as he lazily slept in while his arm loosely wrapped around your waist.

everything you’ve owned will no longer smell like the salty ocean air mixed with a soft musk of vanilla. no more late night texts from conrad saying how much he missed you and no more early morning muffin runs.

first time ever writing anything 😳

conrad x reader fluff :)

you've always been in and out of touch with your feelings. there would come times where you would barely feel anything at all and times where everything could consume you.

somedays were easier than others but when it rained, it poured.

today was a rainstorm. you found yourself lying in bed staring at the ceiling whilst your boyfriend slept next to you with his arm draped over your stomach. you finger mindlessly drawing little circles on his arm. his breathing slightly grounding you as you tried to pull yourself back to earth.

for some reason, everything felt too much today. it wasn't anything in particular but it was something. your mind just couldn't stop racing. you could feel the agonizing weight of it all sit on your chest.

you turn your head to check the clock sitting on the wooden dresser next to you. it read "5:30 am". slowly, you inch out of your boyfriends hold getting out of bed trying to avoid it from squeaking.

the moment your bare feet hit the wooden floors, he slightly tosses and turns. you hold your breath in anticipation that he'll stir awake. when he doesn't you find your slippers and slip on a hoodie of his that sat on his desk chair.

you leave his room making your way down the stairs, leaving to the beach. here you found your favorite spot to sit and watched the sunrise.

the cold sand underneath you held your body as the waves crashed amongst each other. the sky slowly being painted with the soft hues of purple and pink. if you squinted really tightly, the colors almost reminded you of a push pop.

you weren't too sure of how much time flew by as you sat there but you slowly began to hear footsteps behind you.

conrad.

conrad held a blanket around himself as his tired body lazily made it's way to you.

"baby, what are you doing over here?" his green eyes still holding a drowsiness from just waking up. he sat down next to you wrapping you in the same blanket with him. you lay your head in the space between his neck and shoulder as he left a soft kiss on your temple.

"I'm sorry if i worried you con, i just needed time to think." as soon as you finished your sentence conrad went through at least twenty different emotions.

but his face settled on a mix between sadness and confusion.

"no, no, not about us babe." you breathed. your hand finding his cheek to rub it, "I just- I don't know. I just couldn't sleep and-.. and it felt like my thoughts were beginning to consume me." you finished in what could be considered a whisper.

you were always uncomfortable when it came to talking about your feelings. you broke the eye contact and stared at the ocean, your hand still lingered with his touch but instead you played with the sand underneath you.

the both of you sat in silence both trying to find the words to provide comfort. his hand tapped the top of your thigh. when you looked at him he signaled for you to sit in front of him. he wanted eye contact, he wanted to watch your emotions as he was going to pour whatever he was going to to you.

you slowly crawled in front of him until you were sitting in front of his legs. he moved both hands to your jaw cradling your head. his leaned in slightly his green eyes looking in to your orbs. it almost felt as if he was trying to read your unbalanced soul.

"baby, you should've woken me up. you know I'm always here to help you, no matter what." you opened your mouth to speak but he quickly cut you off only for him to continue. "I already know what you're going to say 'but I didn't want to bother you'. and I need you to believe me when I say this you will never ever ever be a bother to me."

"I want to be there for every step of the way with you. good or bad. I love you." he kissed your nose causing you to giggle too.

"but in all seriousness, are you alright my love?" his expression hardened just a bit to where you can tell he wants to truth. as much as he loves you, he always wants to know how you're truly feeling.

you nod your head, wrapping your hands around his neck pulling him in for a kiss. it was soft and meaningful, both of your pouring your words into this action showing how much you both mean to each other.

" I love you", you whispered to his lips slightly running your hands through his wavy hair.

"I love you more pumpkin," he responded. he leans in for one more kiss. you lips touched his quick and lightly. his thumbs rubbing circles on your knees.

you hastily get up playfully pushing his shoulder. “now c’mon let’s go get all the good muffins.” as soon as your full stood, you take off into a sprint racing him to the front of the house.

“heyyyy,” he whined like a child. conrad was competitive and he hated the lead you suddenly gained on him.