my new beginning

i am only showing picks for categories where i have seen all of the nominees

Best Picture

Call Me by Your Name

Darkest Hour

Dunkirk

Get Out

Lady Bird

Phantom Thread

The Post

The Shape of Water <-THINK, WANT

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Actor in a Leading Role

Timothée Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name

Daniel Day-Lewis, Phantom Thread

Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out

Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour <-THINK, WANT

Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel, Esq.

Actress in a Leading Role

Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water

Frances McDormand, Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri <-THINK

Margot Robbie, I, Tonya

Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird <-WANT

Meryl Streep, The Post

Actor in a Supporting Role

Willem Dafoe, The Florida Project <-WANT

Woody Harrelson, Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Richard Jenkins, The Shape of Water

Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World

Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri <-THINK

Actress in a Supporting Role

Mary J. Blige, Mudbound

Allison Janney, I, Tonya <-THINK

Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread

Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird <-WANT

Octavia Spencer, The Shape of Water

Cinematography

Blade Runner 2049 <-THINK

Darkest Hour

Dunkirk <-WANT

Mudbound

The Shape of Water

Costume Design

Beauty and the Beast <-WANT

Darkest Hour

Phantom Thread <-THINK

The Shape of Water

Victoria & Abdul

Directing

Dunkirk <-WANT

Get Out

Lady Bird

Phantom Thread

The Shape of Water <-THINK

Film Editing

Baby Driver

Dunkirk <-THINK, WANT

I, Tonya

The Shape of Water

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Makeup and Hairstyling

Darkest Hour <-THINK

Victoria & Abdul <-WANT

Wonder

Music (Original Score)

Dunkirk <-WANT

Phantom Thread

The Shape of Water <-THINK

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Music (Original Song)

"Mighty River,” Mudbound

“Mystery Of Love,” Call Me by Your Name

“Remember Me,” Coco <-WANT

“Stand Up For Something,” Marshall

“This Is Me,” The Greatest Showman <-THINK

Production Design

Beauty and the Beast

Blade Runner 2049

Darkest Hour

Dunkirk

The Shape of Water <-THINK, WANT

Sound Editing

Baby Driver <-THINK, WANT

Blade Runner 2049

Dunkirk

The Shape of Water

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Sound Mixing

Baby Driver

Blade Runner 2049

Dunkirk <-THINK, WANT

The Shape of Water

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Visual Effects

Blade Runner 2049

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Kong: Skull Island

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

War for the Planet of the Apes <-THINK, WANT

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

Call Me by Your Name <-THINK

The Disaster Artist

Logan

Molly’s Game <-WANT

Mudbound

Writing (Original Screenplay)

The Big Sick

Get Out

Lady Bird <-WANT

The Shape of Water

i think if i would have continued on in my Communication studies, i would have wanted to conduct some research into onomatology, the study of names. i really have no basis to want to do this, other than a keen interest. i am fascinated with the power that names hold; the power we give them.

in the newest Thor movie, Thor believes he is the “god of hammers,” but he is not. his hammer is simply a tool.

recently, i have been trying to pay attention to how people address me. i don t pretend to have things figured out, but it seems that both parties start off more comfortable when i am called ben or benny. i don t know if i start the uncomfortableness, or if it is started for us, but when someone calls me sir or friend, i know we are in for an uncomfortable encounter. i m not in a position of authority, and ‘friend’ actually tends to have a sarcastically negative connotation.

when you call someone by their name, i think that you are initing a dialogue with ‘i see you.’ when you walk up to someone (someone you know, in this case) and say ‘excuse me sir’ or ‘hey friend,’ to me that means you want me to pay attention to you. get it?

when you talk with people, are you talking to them or at them. are you listening to what they say, or are you waiting until they are done saying, so you can start? 

what is the goal of your conversation? this is how i TRY to think. do i want the other parties involved to just be more aware of my views/opinions/breath, or do i want to have a conversation, a back-and-forth.

i believe in small talk, though i may not like it or excel at it, and i do like jokes, but again, what is your goal? do you seek to know, or be known? (both are okay.) or, do you seek to see or be seen? (again, nothing inherently wrong with either.)

i think we should be listened to, by people who care. i think we should try to be around folks who listen to us. that is good for us. and i think we should try to be that type of person for the people we are around.

be quick to listen, and be slow to speak. call people by their name. don t be afraid to yield the upper hand to someone else.

i think i heard Donald Miller or someone once say that when we talk, there is actually another exchange happening at a different level. our mouths/brains are having this one sort of transaction, while our hearts are also in communication. this brings us back here: what is our goal? who or what are we serving with our words?

i have long had an issue with my self-esteem, but i try to present myself boldly, with confidence. i try to live believing that i have something to offer. my offering usually does not have to do with my words though, it usually has to do with my responses. you can absolutely serve by speaking, but i think to get there, you must know how to serve by listening.

i am combining July and August into one update.

July went by so fast, that i really did not want to stop at it s end, so i decided to keep rolling into August.

July was probably my favorite month at work in a while. we had a great group of interns and i was always being reminded of my first summer at TWLOHA - last summer, haha. it was quite around HQ, but busy, the perfect blend for me.

i got to spend some time at Warped Tour and at KingdomBound for work, and both of those were great. i sold my car and got a new one.

i have been feeling pretty healthy this summer, mentally and spiritually and physically, which i guess i don t understand because i have not been making dramatic changes i don t think, just trying to accept that i cannot change/control everything, and really praying that i love people as best as i can, which hopefully helps them, but definitely helps me. i can t really decide to have an effect on people, i can only try to do my best in loving them, which changes me. it s strange, huh?

these posts are kind of getting away from my original intention of keeping up with my new years resolutions, but i have also been less worried about those. so, either i am bad at committing to these resolutions, like we are told everyone is, or i am somehow doing something better, something beyond checking things off of a list and i am making changes for myself, not the list.

i would still really like to complete a 10k this year and i would still like to apply or audition for something cool, but i want to do it for me, not so i can point to this list at the years end and tell people that i can commit to things.

though, i do want to be better at commitment. i was never really teased about this before, but i have been getting some heat recently for answering a lot of invitations with maybes and probablys. i don t know why this is a problem to the folks currently in my social circle, but it certainly does not make me want to commit to things more, haha.

i would still like to get a tattoo i think, but maybe this is not the year for it. going back to commitment, i want it to really be something, and i just do not have the resources to devote to a good tattoo right now. i don t know if it is people my age, or if it is people in florida, but the people around me seem to like to talk about tattoos very trivially, collecting them like bumper stickers, and posting them on our phones like trophies behind glass. and me being me, if a lot of people are into something, i tend to shy away. so maybe a tattoo will have to wait until my next job or stage in life. i think i and the people around me need to grow up a bit more for be to commit to something like this.

this year has really been about me catching up with movies that i missed in the past. i have been telling mom how excited i am to be able to be watching pop culture staples like Pretty Woman and Back to the Future for the first time ever, or the first time in a long time.

i have even been slowing down on books to watch more movies, even though i am really liking A Man Called Ove right now.

mostly, right now, i am excited for the fall. it has been really lot lately, and i want to wear pants again. i want it to be Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas, though i won t rush these things. i love the anticipation that comes with each.

okay, if you are reading this, i hope you are good. i think i am.

December 28, 2015

Ben Tichenor

T-shirt size: Large

My name is Ben Tichenor. You can call me Ben or Benny, or really whatever is good. Let’s start with this: I’m a bit scared. I am excited, but I am nervous. I can hardly believe I have been selected to participate in this spring’s TWLOHA internship program. I have been following TWLOHA since, I think, around late 2007 (when was Anberlin’s Cities tour?). I really am looking forward to learning and growing (as a professional, and as a person), but to be honest, I am worried I will not contribute enough. I just know that it takes me a long time to get used to people and places, and I am afraid that by the time I start getting comfortable with the people and things surrounding me, it will be April. Let’s transition from fears to dreams: I heard once that if a dream does not scare you, it may not be big enough. I suppose there is truth to that. I am sure there can also be small (not insignificant) dreams, but really, aren’t dreams meant to be big? Recently I got to achieve a dream I have had about going to school in Florida, and studying music. Both of these things started sneaking their way into my mind in middle school. This December, I graduated from Palm Beach Atlantic University, in West Palm Beach, Florida, with a BA in Popular Music, and a minor in Communication. Before that, I attended Erie Community College in western New York for two years, earning an AS degree. I graduated from high school in 2010.

The things that TWLOHA talks about are things that resonate within me. I was, and am, attracted to the honesty, the willingness to speak when others back away and the willingness to be gentle and compassionate when others may be coming on too strong. TWLOHA and music being two of my favorite things, I like that TWLOHA has a presence in the music community. I believe that the music community needs more voices offering hope and help. I also like books, and I really like movies (Pixar, Spielberg, Nolan are some of my favorites). I think I can attribute my interest in so many different mediums to my fascination with stories – another connection with TWLOHA.

Some other quick things: I chew lots of gum (but I cannot blow a bubble), I write in ALL CAPS, I like film music and concert photography – I love how one artistic medium can enhance another. I have an older brother (Aaron, 25) and a younger sister (Bridget, 21) and I live with my parents in Williamsville, New York, in the same house that we’ve always lived in. I like Halloween and Christmas a lot. I enjoy playing music in the band at the church that I have been attending since I was a (younger) kid. I’m kind of an old man: I have terrible knees, loud noises startle me and I am usually in bed by 11:00pm. I like Despicable Me and Parks & Recreation and Harry Potter, Sudoku puzzles and volleyball and dark chocolate.

hi there,

i am checking in on July 8 with a sort of half-way-through-2017 update on ben. to start, how has half of 2017 gone by already? man, life going by quickly is exciting, but it also really scares me.

it s funny. most of this year has seen me wishing and praying for a job in music so that ‘i can be challenged creatively’ and things like this. the last day or so i have been thinking about how 1) any challenge is going to require creativity to be solved/completed. opening the door to the apartment i am currently living in is not a challenge: i just put in the bronze-colored key and turn it to the right; opening said door with probably 40 pounds of groceries because i don t want to take more than one trip from the car is a bit of a challenge: i have to get creative with how i move my lazy arms so that i can open this door without dropping my chicken nuggets and Chewy bars on the ground. 2) i currently AM working through at least one challenge: what am i doing to earn a job doing what i feel like i am supposed to be doing? what i am doing to move the position i am currently holding forward, to a new place, to a better place? these things are in addition to trying to lease a new car, trying to manage my finances so that i can afford this new car as well as keeping up with my inflated rent and continuing college loans. i thought i was settling but i was really avoiding facing the reality: that i was being handed an opportunity to make something of my time, of my job, of my life.

now, i have been taking steps to make something of these things, most without even really knowing. when i look back on my life recently, i see two kind of ‘reset’ point: last September s World Suicide Prevention Day, and this January s first day. both of these days saw me making lists and making decisions, to make myself better, and when i reflect on the times since these points, i think i have started to become better. the thing i am most proud of is recently i have started to develop a habit of looking at things i don t really like as chances to grow and learn and serve. there have been some social occasions recently that i really did not want a part in but after taking part in, i really loved and appreciated those times, and the people involved in them.

this is not anything new, this is just me trying to see things as opportunities, rather than obstacles.

i am okay with not completing all of my New Years resolutions, as long as that i means that i tried hard at some of them. i don t want to make a list so that at the end of the year i can tell people that i accomplished something. i would rather be able to look at myself in December and believe that i have become better. this year i am focusing on seeing lots of movies. maybe that is silly to some, but i love movies and while i am trying to exercise and sleep and read and pray and eat okay, i also want to intentionally spend time doing something that i love.

i hope one day that i get to be around music/movies regularly and i hope it always feels like work but i hope it also always feels like fun, but for now, i want to continue seeing problems and boredom as challenges, and i want to continue thinking of creative ways to move forward.

much love

yo, May was fine. a long month for me, but that was okay because work was not as demanding as most months. i got to see some friends and bands in West Palm and i got to see some family in Buffalo - visiting all my homes, haha!

i think i like checking in like this, on my New Years goals. these goals are pretty uhm superficial, i guess - a lot of my i guess deeper goals started last year around World Suicide Prevention Day in September. for example, i am finally gaining ground on some health-related things and i have been exercising more regularly than i have ever before.

most of my writing is for me, but since a few folks seem to keep tabs on these posts, let me catch you up on my New Years things, yeah?

Buy at least 5 albums from artists/bands you have never bought albums from before - easy sauce. check out albums from Betty Who, A R I Z O N A, flor, Misterwives, Paramore, Harry Styles, Have Mercy, Ed Sheeran, MUNA, The Maine. i ve been those. looking forward to Lorde, Bleachers this month (i think).

Complete at least 1 book every month - this one has actually been hard to keep track of because i have actually been overlapping books, which i do not usually do, but i have read at least 5, so i am on track i guess

Watch a movie you have never seen before every week - haha, this one is going great. there are weeks where i watch more than 5 ‘new’ movies. some notable ones from the last few weeks are The Patriot, Pirates of the Caribbean (5), Never Let Me Go and Brick. these last two are favorites to two of my homies, so those are extra special. very much looking forward to Baby Driver, Atomic Blonde, Dunkirk, Leap and some others in next few weeks

Complete a 10k - yo, about two weeks ago i went for a run and did over two miles without stopping, which is a best for me. now, a 10k is about 6.3 miles i think, so i got some work to do, but i am thinking that i can do this. i am aiming for the fall!

Finish writing a song, record (on your phone is good - you ain’t got money) it, and then post that on the internet - stay tuned.

Get started on the tattoo you’ve been wanting, and then DON’T post about that on the internet - yeah, this will be the cherry on top of everything else, but we gotta make the rest of the sundae first

Apply or audition for something - anybody want to hire me for anything?

Send at least 13 birthday cards in the mail - i forgot about the mail part. i am about at two i think, then. otherwise, i am at i think 4. i honestly thought i d cruise through this one so i never started keeping track!

future Ben, when you read this, remember that May was okay, dude. your life is not going to be complete if you complete a few of these. it s not going to feel complete if/when work ‘gets a little better’ or when you get a new car (yo, you neeed to get rid of that car, dude) or when you finish writing your song. stop thinking that life will all be fine. it s okay. where you are is fine. you have a small group of people that you are into. keep in touch with them. you re doing good with those movies and new albums but you know that you didn t need a new years resolution to do that crap. ben, you re going to be in Melbourne for a bit, dude. it s okay. it s not bad here, dude. eventually you will end up someplace else and you will read this and you will remember that you kind of liked it here. plant some roots, dude. leave some of your heart here, just like you did in New Orleans and Boston and Washington DC, and especially in Buffalo and in West Palm. this place and these people are not out to get you, you just don t get them, haha. but you re okay. you re not going to understand everything. you re a thinker, but you think a bit too much. i m not asking you to do more, i m just asking you to be more. you know what i mean.

this will be kept short. b/c i am in Buffalo right now.

i liked April. work kept me occupied with two very special events, and May is a bit relaxed around there, so it was something to look forward to, too.

i am thinking that i will have to do my own 10k run, which is okay. that is what i did with the 5k that we do at work - just did it on my own time by myself.

some movies i really liked this month were Free Fire and Miss Sloane, which FINALLY came out on Redbox, haha

okay, that is literally it.

let s do this update this way for March. i like lists, so this will be good especially because once i started this post, i right away felt like i wanted to be doing anything else.

** **

Buy at least 5 albums from artists/bands you have never bought albums from before

not feeling worried about this one. i most recently bought the wonderful Betty Who’s newest, The Valley. i have her previous full-length, Take Me When You Go, and some other singles and EPs, but i think i got all of those from her online, so the least i could do at this point was buy her newest. hoping one of these tunes finds some radio love.

i like Zara Larsson’s debut album, too. i have also bought the Original Broadway Cast Recording of Dear Evan Hanson, which i have not stopped enjoying.

Complete at least 1 book every month

i have not been completing a book each month, but i am on book #4 of this year, so at least i am on track, right?

Watch a movie you have never seen before every week

easy. here have been some favorites from March: Logan, Beauty and the Beast (2017), The Professional, The Age of Adaline, Shakespeare In Love.

looking forward to April!

Complete a 10k

hmm, not much progress here. i have been neglecting running for gym time, which i have decided is okay for now. until a 10k presents itself, i am happy doing any sort of physical exercise.

Finish writing a song, record (on your phone is good - you ain’t got money) it, and then post that on the internet

same as last two months: more ideas but not really anything solid. i am thinking of getting a new computer soon, so that might play into this. (it would play into this of course, i just do not want to buy a new computer)

Get started on the tattoo you’ve been wanting, and then DON’T post about that on the internet

tattoos hurt, and they are expensive, and they require time and travelling and planning. i sometimes forget that i have tattoos. i think that tattoos matter more so on quieter folks - they ll speak more for me, whether i want them to or not, so getting something drawn underneath my skin requires lots of thinking about the future, and that is not my favorite.

Apply or audition for something

i do not like past ben for doing this one. i did look up a position or two involving a large movie studio but i am too long out of school. if i am hoping for something musical, this one may be contingent on the song-writing resolution above.

Send at least 13 birthday cards in the mail

i have been slacking on this, too. i should make a list of people and then make sure i have up-to-date address.

** **

cool? haha.

March was a long month. ups and downs as usual. posted more on instagram than i have in a while. still struggling to feel accepted at place of employment. i hope i am changing and growing, but i am trying to do that in the context of the things that i have always loved: good stories, i guess. in high school i buzzed my hair one night for really NO reason. i asked the most beautiful girl in school to my prom. i applied to a school in paradise. i would every once in a while just throw myself to the mercy of the wolves, but i always came out better somehow. i like to think that that is what i am doing now, but instead of it being quick (please cut my hair, will you go to my prom with me, hitting send), it is long. it is insurance and rent and looking at new cars and doing taxes and learning to enjoy skype because of the person on the other end.

i am starting to trust. God, i guess. i am enjoying my work and enjoying watching movies and i am enjoying the people i get to see each day. i am starting to believe something that i have not in a while - that maybe nothing good is being withheld from me. a lot of the people around me at this time talk similar to each other - i am not sure why, i may be missing out on an important TV show or internet sensation or something - but i keep hearing this statement: you re living your best life. it does not really get said to me, but i think that is what i am doing now, and it is not really intentional. well, it is, but it is kind of underneath my consciousness, haha.

i am doing my best, y all. i am continuing to be honest with people, even if my goofy baby face suggests that i am not telling the truth. i am brushing off things that usually bother me, and i know this because i am suddenly more aware of how often people talk FOR me. when you are quiet, people talk for you. people project things onto you. even when i am in the room, haha. it will never not bother me, but i am getting better at laughing at things, instead of being offended. i choose to believe that these folks saying these things are my friends and that they do not mean anything harmful. most people just do not know how to live around quiet people.

those are my thoughts for now. my hands are sweating and my laptop is getting sticky, haha. i guess i ll go read and then probably watch a movie.

February gets a short update because it was a short month.

i am keeping on top of the things i knew i would be able to stay on - a new movie each week, a new book each month, and at least 5 new artist purchases in music this year.

looking for a 10k will be revisited in the fall. a tattoo does not need to happen, even though i may want it to - we ll see about this one.

i am working on musical things. i have been going to the gym as regularly as i think i can. work has been better i think.

there are just a lot of things that are threatening to become bigger than they actually can be, lately. i don t think i m becoming more religious or more christian, but i am starting to put more trust in the Lord. i am starting to try to enjoy where i am at and who i am with now.

that is it for now. i already put the off until the weekend, and now it is Sunday night and this week will be busy.

Best Picture

Arrival

Fences

Hacksaw Ridge

Hell or High Water

Hidden Figures <- WANT

La La Land <- THINK

Lion

Manchester by the Sea

Moonlight

Actor in a Leading Role

Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea <- WANT

Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge

Ryan Gosling, La La Land

Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic

Denzel Washington, Fences <- THINK

Actress in a Leading Role

Isabelle Huppert, Elle

Ruth Negga, Loving

Natalie Portman, Jackie  <- WANT

Emma Stone, La La Land <- THINK

Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins

Actor in a Supporting Role

Mahershala Ali, Moonlight <- THINK, WANT

Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water

Lucas Hedges, Manchester by the Sea

Dev Patel, Lion

Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals

Actress in a Supporting Role

Viola Davis, Fences <- THINK, WANT

Naomie Harris, Moonlight

Nicole Kidman, Lion

Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures

Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea

Animated Feature Film

Kubo and the Two Strings <- WANT

Moana

My Life as a Zucchini

The Red Turtle

Zootopia <- THINK

Cinematography

Arrival

La La Land <- THINK, WANT

Lion

Moonlight

Silence

Costume Design

Allied

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them <- WANT

Florence Foster Jenkins

Jackie <- THINK

La La Land

Directing

Arrival

Hacksaw Ridge

La La Land <- THINK

Manchester by the Sea

Moonlight <- WANT

Film Editing

Arrival

Hacksaw Ridge <- WANT

Hell or High Water

La La Land <- THINK

Moonlight

Makeup and Hairstyling

A Man Called Ove <- WANT

Star Trek Beyond <- THINK

Suicide Squad

Music (Original Score)

Jackie

La La Land <- THINK

Lion

Moonlight

Passengers <- WANT

Music (Original Song)

"Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” La La Land

“Can’t Stop The Feeling,” Trolls

"City Of Stars,” La La Land <- THINK

"The Empty Chair,” Jim: The James Foley Story

"How Far I’ll Go,” Moana <- WANT

Production Design

Arrival <- WANT

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Hail, Caesar!

La La Land <- THINK

Passengers

Sound Editing

Arrival

Deepwater Horizon

Hacksaw Ridge <- WANT

La La Land <- THINK

Sully

Sound Mixing

Arrival

Hacksaw Ridge

La La Land <- THINK

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story <- WANT

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

Visual Effects

Deepwater Horizon

Doctor Strange <- WANT

The Jungle Book  <- THINK

Kubo and the Two Strings

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

Arrival

Fences

Hidden Figures

Lion

Moonlight <- THINK, WANT

Writing (Original Screenplay)

Hell or High Water

La La Land

The Lobster

Manchester by the Sea <- THINK, WANT

hello.

when coming up with my little list of resolutions for this year, i was thinking about blogging - or keeping some sort of written record - about my “progress” weekly, but i have decided to commit to monthly updates. it is less writing and easier to plot the points of how i am doing.

if you are just tuning in to the life of ben, i write mostly for myself - these posts on tumblr, twitter, instagram, facebook; i like these platforms (especially now that it is so easy to look back on past posts) because they act as sort of a scrapbook. i enjoy “likes” and the like (haha) just as much as everybody else, but i don t post for them. (if you ve ever read/seen something by me online then notice it s deleted later, that probably means i realized i posted that for someone else, not myself)

so, if you re still with me, thanks! if not, you re lying, because you wouldn t be reading this if you were not.

my attitude towards my list going into January was to start knocking off some easier things. i wanted to gain some momentum with this see a new movie every week thing, so i asked folks about movies they like, and i got almost 52 responses, so that was a good start! some notables so far: Top Gun, Aliens, Brooklyn, George Lucas's American Graffiti. getting excited about seeing movies in theatres helps with this too: i get to enjoy La La Land and Hidden Figures, and also include them on my list of new movies!

i hope to find a 10k to run here in central Florida in the fall. i am stoked to purchase some albums from artists i have never bought from before this spring and summer.

i am nervous about the write a song and post it on the internet one, because that goes against what i said earlier - this would be for others, not me. but, maybe this WOULD be for me. hmm...

i m also nervous about the tattoo. i don t know about that one. there has been something that i have been feeling very deeply about recently, but on the other hand, tattoos hurt, they cost money, they take some research (the good ones probably always should), they make strangers and your relatives look at you more, and they make your friends pretend like they know about tattoo culture, or whatever. i just don t want to become ‘person with tattoos’ anymore than i want to be ‘guy who likes minions more than most children’ or ‘quiet ben.’ this one may take a while, but we re just getting started with 2017. it s okay.

my tone in that last section is a segue into this next thought. i have noticed that i have become quite defensive lately. i feel a lot like i am being attacked. physical space has been an issue for a while, but even recently just a question can kind of set me into a bad 5 minutes. every look in my direction or call of my name frustrates me. the people i have talked to about this and myself have concluded that i am a bit bitter due to not being in a place (not necessarily geographically) that i do not like. school was hard but i was a musician, i was an artist, i was a student, i was gosh darn bohemian. i had the freedom to create and explore. i do not feel that now. i feel stifled. i long for more, for other, for different. hence one of my other list items, apply or audition for something. this one may have to move up on the queue here pretty soon. i don t reeaally miss playing in church bands (sorry to sound like a brat, but that music does not interest me much anymore), but i would like to get involved in a local church, so we ll see about that one, too. i ll have to remember how to pray and then pray about that. (for my friends in the faith, maybe you could intercede on my behalf?)

what else is there? uhm, i m not going to say much about President Trump. i just wish people would stop saying things like “Fuck Trump” and then post about how “love is better than fear” or whatever. maybe i am out of touch with what love is (this is highly likely), but i think it s possible to root for Donald Trump AND ALSO stand/speak up when he tries to do something silly. sorry if it seems i am making light of something you think is much bigger, but if you attend rallies and marches and post things online, but then i see you treating your neighbor (again, not literal neighbor - anyone you interact with, the biblical neighbor, if you will) with animosity or a conditional love, your presence at those rallies means little to me. did i say i would not go too much into this? sorry.

i am ready for february. i mean, i guess i am. do i have a choice? i ll need to acquire a new vehicle in the next 4-12 months probably, i don t even really know what taxes are, i miss music, i miss western new york and the people there. but i am still grateful. my life the last maybe 6 years has been funny in that when something is bringing me down, i usually bounce back up after hitting the floor, which for me is gratitude. are you seeing the picture i am trying to draw? gratitude is my foundation. if i am acting shitty to myself (or to you) it is because i am either on my way down to ‘rock bottom’ (gratitude!) or i just hit and i am on my way back up.

make sense? no? that s understandable. i mean i m definitely not going to take the time to reread/edit all this. thanks for reading. see you in february!

Buy at least 5 albums from artists/bands you have never bought albums from before

Complete at least 1 book every month

Watch a movie you have never seen before every week

Complete a 10k

Finish writing a song, record (on your phone is good - you ain’t got money) it, and then post that on the internet

Get started on the tattoo you’ve been wanting, and then DON’T post about that on the internet

Apply or audition for something

it’s funny to me that the things i like about Christmas are things i don’t normally feel comfortable around: wonder, anticipation, nostalgia, belief.

Christmas provides us with the time to feel “unalone.”

if you don’t like how almost everyone on the commercials is happy, then you can feel a bit sad. it s okay. Christmas can be hard.

if a lot of the folks around you do not like the holidays that much, you don’t have to feel guilty for being a bit happy. Christmas can also be a time for joy.

either way, you are allowed to feel what you are feeling.