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The bisexual stereotype is true. I am bi and I can’t decide anything. I have never made a decision in my life.

I hate the fact that the sentence “mummies are rare because we ate them” is factual.

I’m sorry, what?

I am so happy to be the one to introduce you to the horrible few hundred years where Europeans regularly consumed ground Egyptian mummies.

#get with the program the new humor is benevolent surrealism (x)

I always wanted to know what to call it.

no no dude listen.. being the friend IS the benefit

hot n cold by katy perry was such a 6th grade anthem like remember when people wore converse sneakers and would straighten only their bangs and had an ipod touch with the background that said muffins are just ugly cupcakes

I appreciate John’s story but the fact that OP blurred out Amy Schumer is the funniest think I’ll see all week and it’s only tuesday.

The idea that Mike wazowski wouldn’t scare kids bc he’s like not traditionally scary is such bs??? like if I woke up and there was a fucking green shortass with one gigantic eye in my room staring at me I’d lose my shit Like there r grown ppl who get nervous when they hear a sound in the night and these monsters think kids won’t be scared by funsize cyclops shrek creepin in their closet get outta here cmon

when we were kids my brother used to be scared that the radiator would turn into a goat. he wasn’t afraid of goats, he was just afraid of the heater being one.

i love having the cilantro yummy gene

My condolences to cilantro soap people

This one time I was at a street festival hosted by my Uni and there was a guy doing card tricks. I was watching him when I noticed he dropped a card. (7 of spades) I quickly pu my shoe in it and then bent down to act like I was tying my shoe. He then asks for a volunteer so I raise my hand. He asks me to say the name of a card at random so I say “7 of spades” he does his trick that I guess was supposed to make it come on top. He holds up the Ace of Hearts and says “is this your card?” And I hold up the card and said “no but this is” and the crowd LOST IT. I handed the card back to the magician and walked away. Later he comes up to me and asks me how I did it. I looked him in the eye, smiled and said “magicians never reveal their secrets” and walked away.

okay but the screenwriter for Thor: Ragnarok is obviously intimately aware of what it’s like to have siblings because like…the snake scene? Bickering at every opportunity? Throwing things at each other for no real reason? “You know this guy?” “I have no idea who this person is”? Smirking when your sibling does something cool because ‘nothing but respect for MY sibling’ and then turning around and punching each other in the face right afterward? Stabbing each other for fun and then going ‘oh come on you big baby, that didn’t even hurt’? The fucking ‘Get Help’ scene? Like bruh…that is some Truth in Hollywood right there

Fun archeology fact! Sometimes when you find bone fragments they look like rocks. When this happens there is one quick, easy, surefire way to make sure which they are. You gotta lick it. Bones are porous and will stick to your tongue whereas rocks will not. Any way, that’s how we sometimes know what bones taste like.