BEING

Have you ever found your self asking that question? Who am I? That question usually leads to, how do people see you? Different people have their own perception of who you are. Due to their own struggles and brokenness. Their lenses can never be 100% accurate of you. All that to say, you cant only depend on other’s point of view. To determine who you are. Take a second to pause... BREATH...How do you see yourself? This is deeper than your career path or the placement in your family. This is an inward reflection. Shuffle through the different paths and circumstances that has happened in your life. What has carried you through it all? It is finding your light.

Your light is who you are. It is what sees you through the hard things in life. It reveals the beauty through the crakes of your broken heart. I was reminded of this recently. I am light. I am not my mistakes, my family’s brokenness, my ethnicity, I am not my pain. My soul is light. I am quoting the lyrics if “I am Light” by India Arie. How I choose to look at it is that my soul shapes my morals. My morals determines my character. My character is expressed through my spirit or presence of being.  My light is what carries me through my depression and self doubt. Strength, Love, Joy and Forgiveness is who I am. This is what my light has chosen for me. 

Words said from my childhood friend of 21 years. One thing I must say I am blessed to have great friends in my life. There is nothing like being known and loved by those you hold dear to your heart. Especially in times like these where my life is literally an emotional rollercoaster. Where I find myself crying at the most random times. For example I would go to the breakroom for my lunch and just chatting with the coworkers about butternut squash soup, take a sip of my water then BOOM!!!! There goes my tears just running down my face and I am just so sad. I try to play it off with a “ahh man I am so tired” while pretending to yawn and quickly exiting the room. Being unable to control my emotions is very uncomfortable me. Matter of fact damn it this whole divorce thing is very inconvenient! 

Heart break is a trauma, my divorce is a trauma. With that said trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. A personal trauma can lead to an emotional shock that can also cause physical stress and injuries on the body. Lost of appetite; motivation, memory and depression are caused by trauma. There are moments where I am still shocked like what the hell happened? Am I in a dream? Is this really happening to me? How could someone you love with all your heart whom you have given your everything to, who has also “ expressed” the same feelings too and has been part of each others lives for almost four years. Just POOF, exit with no return? As ma would say “what a  coward”. BOY BYE!!! 

Hell yes, I am shocked because I don't know this person I married because it sure ain’t the person I fell in love with for three years. I miss that guy, he is the one that I cry for, he is the one at times that I hope would find his way back. The reality is that the person I fell in love with is no longer there and I am grieving the lost of that love that we once shared. I am mourning the death of the love that I thought would last forever. It is not a dream Telesha it is a process. It wasn't part of your plan but it happened. Create a new blueprint for your life through the process of healing. 

This month I was able to really reflect on what I value through this process of healing. I value the support of my friends that is also including my family members I am very close to. Thank you for taking time out of your life to be a support to me. Time is something that you can never take back. I cherish the time we spend together near or far, big or small I love them all.

Thank you for being a friend!

My word for this year is HEALING. 

Hello all! Telesha here, it has been forever possible four years. Yet here I am!  In Hebrew I believe Hineni means “I am here”. So along with me comes my truth. I am currently a newlywed going through a divorce. Or something like that not 100% sure but husband is at his mom and dad’s. It has been 6 weeks since he left and yet “Hineni” taking one step at a time.

Life man, it really is a journey. With each journey comes lessons, challenges and heart ache. My life so far has been all of these things yet I find my life to be amazing! I have hope that with every heart ache come healing. In every challenge comes strength and with every lesson comes growth. 

So here I am . What now? In theory this is all good and true; life is a journey, it strengthens me and there are lessons to be learned. Blah Blah Blah I am in the moment of pain, anger, frustration and sadness. So again I ask, what now? How do I get pass this? I gave my all to someone who wasn't only my husband but my bestfriend. Whom I thought was my soulmate, my forever person. This person betrayed me, lied and cheated but worst of all abandoned me. He checked out long before 6 weeks ago. 

No relationship is perfect or easy, it wouldn't be real. Nevertheless, it takes both parties to mold and shape a successful relationship. Sometimes you have to take turns when the other one is weak you have to be strong. Yet if both are willing there will be a way to mend, rebuild and restore your relationship. Unfortunately that isn't the case for me and my husband. He is unable to be a man and deal with his marriage or his flaws. My hurt is the repercussion/ representation of his lies and betrayal, he just cant face it.  So with that said I am unable to reach him. So what now?

Let's be honest. Being a teacher is challenging yet it is the most rewarding job to have. I have been working with children forever and a day now! Been a teacher for six years. The group of children I have this year has reminded me of the joy and complete happiness I get to endure as a teacher. It is teacher appreciation week and as I get flowers, pictures, cards and much more. I cant help but to reflect on the amazing teachers that I have adored throughout my childhood. Mr. Green my third grade teacher who was the most sweetest and caring person I have ever met. I may have had a little crush on him. Remembering writing Mrs. Green on my papers and assignments. Too funny to not share. I remember imaginary play I was the mom and my friends would call me Mrs. Green. My fifth grade teacher Mr. Ross he was hard core. He taught me so much! He made me love math. I joined the debate team because of Mr. Ross and he was a role model to me. I wanted to be a teacher like him able to engage children in multiple activities that will challenge them grow academically, emotionally and socially. Finally Mr. William my sixth grade teacher who was like a father figure to me, in one of my most challenging times. My parents went through a divorce and my (step)father passed away shortly after. Mr. Williams introduced me in writing poetry and journaling. I had a lot of anger and he helped me filter it into writing. Writing helped channel me to be more productive than violent on the streets. He educated me on black history. He implanted an admiration and appreciation of my culture/history as a black American. There was a district school placement test for English/Writing and Mathematics that we took in 6th grade. I was placed 2nd highest score in my school district for the Essay/Writing and 4th in mathematics. I owe that to Mr. Williams seeing my potential and working with me on those subjects. So there is my shout out to my top three teachers. Thank you for loving what you do as educators. You impact goes far beyond the classrooms. Your impact as a teacher is beaded in the hearts and minds of your students. Your teaching helps build character and knowledge in who we are as individuals. Also in whom we will become in the your future and our today! Thank you for planting a seed. I am honored to be a teacher and follow the path that has been laid before me by great role models! Let's hear it for the teachers and especially the ones who really care. I am truly grateful.

Love,