TN

I actually made this blog private, hadn’t written anything in a few months, thought I was ok, went out every weekend and got f*cked up and made bad decisions along the way - yes I had a great time but the days between as the weeks have gone on have given me a reality check, especially recent days - things aren’t as perfect as I portray or make out to my friends and family.

I actually do not understand why I’m still so f*cking caught up on somebody who I indefinitely know if I was wiped off the face of the earth would blink an eye lid. I hate myself every time I think about what I let myself into, why I planned so many things with someone who obviously didn’t for-see a future with me, why I let them into every secret I have, why I gave up so much of my time and effort for them and why I gave them a chance to know me in the first instance.

I also thanked them a while back for breaking me so I had the chance to make myself I a better person - which I think I have became in so many aspects, my life in general is in a good place but my head is still in the shed.

I often try to find reasons for why everything was turned upside down and also why it effected me so much compared to my break up. I think because my first relationship which lasted 5 years or so had run its course, it became routine and I think we both knew that there wasn’t any room for progression, no future. The second relationship, I had so much envisaged in my mind for the future, the person who I learned to know (all be it not the person I now know) was what I wanted - I had it all and didn’t think that would change. I also thought that I was better than them throughout the relationship and there was no chance of them cutting me off, no matter how I acted. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

As the months have passed I have been coping by myself but to be honest I’ve learned that I’m not that type of person - I like having someone to talk to 24/7, I like relaxing in somebody’s company, even the small things like binge-watching tv series’ (which I haven’t done since the new year). But I think it’s nearly impossible for me to find the right person and the thing is the next person has to be the right person because I owe it to myself not to go through this shit again. Added to that I’m a complicated individual myself, for those who know me will understand through my behaviours and actions, but that’s me.

When someone makes you feel that you aren’t good enough, when for a long time you were the only one and more than enough, it kills, even 5 months later. And yes I know I’m not the only person to ever go through a break up but I actually don’t know how I could live with myself if the shoe was on the other foot considering the situation and circumstances it was in, especially without giving what I believe a proper and honest explanation for why it happened - something I will never get.

I’ve written before - putting feelings into words helps more than anyone could imagine and I think why I’ve been caught up again lately is because I haven’t been doing it - I hope one day I’ll get to the point where I don’t need this blog as a form of release.

Bad days make us human, they make you strong and help you grow.

Today from the moment I woke up all I have done is overthink, from literally the first song that I listened to on the way to work and I thought to myself ‘shit, here we go again’. 

I have been over thinking about a lot of things, but mainly this. My Granda and his health, the fact that one day he was healthy and in no time at all, he has become helpless.The effect that this has had on the people around him is an every day struggle, especially for my Granny. Before things got bad you literally wouldn’t have known they were a couple, they would just sit in each-others company, not speaking, sleep in separate rooms and argue most days - I actually wondered if they did actually love each-other, but seeing my Granny care for him every single hour of every single day and night and not giving up on him showed me what real love is. No matter how tough things are, when you feel like giving up, when you sacrifice everything for that one person - that is real love. 

Then I started thinking about me - will I ever find that? After what I’ve been through I know for a fact that I will struggle to let anyone ‘in’ again in my life, even only being 22, people tell me ‘I’m still young’ or ‘everyone has went through the same thing’ - yes they can have their opinions but this isn’t the case. I would not wish for one second that these people could go through what I’ve been through and to be honest what I am still going through. Letting someone in makes me vulnerable to that again, especially at this stage, it also makes it hard for me to converse with people, I’m sure they can tell that they aren’t getting all of me and I have a guard up - something I actually feel bad for doing which may sound ridiculous but that’s the way I am, I care and love too much which has been my biggest flaw in past experiences. 

I don’t know when I actually will be completely accepting of someone so much so that they get all of me, learn every single detail and tell every secret that I hold, because knowing someone knows these and didn’t really deserve it in the end, f**cking kills. 

That same person minus their wrong doings has also set the bar in what I want (as ridiculous as it sounds), I’m not going into details but every person I come into contact with I will instantly compare them to her, even though I’m not actively searching for that but someday I will and I will do the same comparison and who knows I may never actually stumble across somebody who fits the bill, never mind me letting them in.

it’s hard to be positive on a day like today to be honest, even though I tell myself to wise up - ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘ride the wave’ and ‘everything will work out’ - my thought process always ended up going full circle and back to square one.

All of this being said -  I am still trusting the process that I’m going through, still trying to keep myself busy, focusing on myself and bettering me every single day. I am not in the same place as I was, I am loving life and excited for the future no matter what it may be.

Recently things in life have been going ok..

Last week I had a trip to Manchester for work, rugby followed by a night out for one of my best friends birthdays - it all caught up with me on Sunday where I was feeling every bit of the knocks picked up from rugby the day before and Saturday nights antics but I relaxed in good company to recharge the batteries! Keeping busy is a big factor in this process but remember to take time to chill.

This week has been pretty straight forward, worked then chilled by myself at night - something I haven’t been able to actually face since everything that happened. I notice myself overthinking at times but it no longer drives me to mental ‘self destruct’ mode. This Saturday I was supposed to be going to the Wales v Ireland match in Cardiff, something I was really looking forward to for a long time but I’ve had to sell the tickets (which was a nightmare) as I was supposed to be going with my ex. The whole rugby dilemma has made me avoid watching as much rugby as possible, which is probably weird to hear - but anything associated with it somewhat pulls me back into that situation but I’m sure that it won’t be the same next year, just been my method at this time to help cope with things.

I also have booked to go to Liverpool at the end of the month, absolutely buzzing to go out and spend quality time with good mates - something I would never have done if I were in a relationship. I feel like I’m actually living MY life for the first time in 7 years which is refreshing

‘Patience is a virtue’ is something that I have heard spoken and came across quite frequently - however, it lacks substance and in my opinion it is complete bullshit.

I agree that in some situations if you are patient it can help. Putting pressure on situations/people/yourself can lead to deeper problems, in these cases you should work on other things around that situation, trusting a process, so when the time comes to take action you are better equipped to get the outcome you want from that particular situation, no matter what it may be. If you just remain patient you are relying on luck/hope - you hope good things will happen, you hope things will be ok and fall into place - ultimately you are setting yourself up for failure. I have made the mistake of putting pressure on something and making situations worse - you will know yourself when situations require direct action and when situations require action in areas surrounding them without a sole focus being put on the outcome itself - just don’t do nothing and rely completely on external factors determining outcomes, I also have made this mistake too many times, in fact, this was my behaviour in most situations.

The mistake of doing nothing and hoping for the best got me into a whirlwind of shit in all honesty with regards relationships, work, uni work and so many other things which contributed to the problems regarding my relationships, financial situation and ultimately my mental health.

Grab situations by the balls - set achievable goals, study, put the work in, reach out to that person you are waiting to get back to you, focus on yourself, make self-improvements so that you are in a better position to get that job, succeed in what you want to do, have healthy relationships and ultimately improve your life.

My dream that showed me that I feel different, I am in a different place.

My dream consisted of waiting on a flight in an airport with a certain individual (person A). I recall this individual making conversation and showing me their diary - I didn’t care I stood up and came into contact with another individual (person B) who seemed to be the person I was supposed to be waiting on the flight with. I stood up of my seat to look for a place for person B and I to sit, there were no free seats for two, person A stood up and allowed us to sit there while they went to sit on their own. The dream transformed and my family where also beside person B and I - they started singing happy birthday to me etc. Was a really odd dream but easy to understand in hindsight and it really means something.

It showed me that my mind is in a different place regarding person A, I don’t care about what they are doing really (the diary), they can be replaced by person B - not necessarily the person who was in the dream but any other person I think, someone who I can travel with (flight), have a future with, celebrate with (the birthday) and somebody who can enjoy my family’s company.

To me the 14th of February is just another day, tomorrow shouldn’t be an excuse to treat loved ones etc, in my opinion you should be treating them anyway, not waiting around for another day and getting caught up in the hype. I think tomorrow will effect me seeing others posting etc, thinking about what she’s doing.. but apart from that I’m not that phased.

Upon some reflection, in ‘the pursuit of happiness’ and in this journey of self-improvement I’ve been trying to focus on priorities, setting goals - if you know where you are going, it will be harder to be distracted and will keep me motivated in this process, I know where I want to be. However, I don’t expect to be plain sailing, if I did I would be kidding myself and setting myself up for disappointment and ultimately failure.

I wasn’t happy in the life I have lived for a long time when looking at the bigger picture, yes I was in periods but there was always a stigma around my mind, a general cloud of unhappiness. However, ive changed my attitude towards life - I can’t control a lot of things that happen in my life, but what I can control is my reaction to these things, my reactions reflect my attitudes and if they are positive, my reactions will also be positive. For example, if someone holds a grudge against you/hates you - do not react, accept it for what it is, stay positive and they might come round eventually to see you for the person you are now. If you don’t get what you want, be patient and be positive, good things will come if you trust the process. This might seem easier said than done, but it’s the same as any new thing you try, you are going to suck at it at the start - just like me.. but after time and practice it will become normality and you will develop this attitude!

i’ve been through various stages over the past month.

Denial

In this stage I tried to contact her continuously, desperately in fact, again pushing her completely away. Even a subtle message trying to create conversation - they will see through it. ‘No contact’ is something that you need to do, get rid of the addiction - after time you may want to contact her to see where her heads at, which is fine, you are coming from a position of strength - you may be able to find that attraction again, respecting each other properly or realising that they weren’t right. ‘No contact’ may also make your ex want to move on, a tough situation to deal with, but you know the person, you know how the react to the situation - I knew this too, but still pestered out of fear, I made things worse for myself and her.

Anger

In this stage you will go crazy, call them names, say things you don’t mean, degrading them, threats and be generally abusive - this is the way I acted, inevitably it pushed them away even more, who want to be with someone who acts like this? Nobody. If you feel like you are going to act like this, think quickly, relax and stop, let the situation settle - that’s what I wish I had done.  I did let my actions beat me up, but everybody makes mistake - we’re all human. They might shut off from you completely after this, like in my case but they will realise after time to see you for the person they had a relationship with, the person they loved.

Bargaining

In this stage don’t do what I did, I begged, panicked and tried to use pity - this will only lessen any attraction she has to you until she decides to cut you out of her life. Even telling her how much you love her, care for her, buy her gifts and would do anything for her - when someone breaks up with you, they don’t care about this and even if it does work it normally won’t last. Respect will diminish and if she does get back with you, she knows she will be able to walk all over you. These things are all done out of desperation, not because you love her, because of the fear of her getting with someone else and you being left alone.

Depression

You will feel lost, you will feel like they are the only thing that will bring you out of this ‘hole’, but they are the reason why you are in it, they leave you in it and its up to you to get yourself back out of it, you are worth so much more and you will come out the other-side a stronger and better person.

Acceptance

Don’t resent your ex, accept the situation for what it is. Remember the good times you had, remember how they changed you for the better and remember how this situation has made you a better person. The situation will also position yourself better for the future, even advising your children when you have them on how to deal with things that you could not deal with appropriately.

So I’ve been single for over a month..

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about my ex most minutes of most days, but the fact of knowing she isn’t thinking of me stops me over thinking things.

I’ve been chatting to a few people, been on a few dates etc. taking things slow and not feeling a need to fill the void that was left. Yes it still is hard making the adjustment of not having somebody to talk to regarding every single detail of my life but I am learning to deliberate with my own thoughts. Something I have not done since I was 15.

I think I was effected so badly by this break up because I didn’t actually allow myself to heal after the one before, I met my ex soon after the ‘ex ex’ and in the words of Lewis Capaldi - ‘she numbed all of the pain’ that I felt before. I am ready to let people in to a certain extent but not too far, I can’t afford to get involved with another relationship. I owe it to myself to do ‘me’, have fun, be selfish, learn to love myself, develop and grow as a person - rather than living for someone else, I’ll be living for me, with my best interests on my mind and if the people involved don’t like it, that’s their problem and I apologise - the right people will respect me if they learn my story.

I know how good relationships can be but the bad in them truly outweighs the good. I don’t want to go through the sh*t that I have been put through ever again, it’s not healthy.

So I started a new job at the start of January in Telecom Sales, an amazing opportunity that I was given by someone I know. You may think ‘Telecom Sales..surely there’s not much money in that’ but the money is ridiculous for a 9 to 5 job and within the next year or so I will be earning a more than comfortable amount of money, more than I would have been earning if I went on and used my degree, done a PGCE and became a teacher. By May I should have a brand new car paid for by the company with other expenses, which is cool.

But this past 2 weeks have been tough and I’ve found myself thinking to myself is this really want I want to do for the rest of my life?

I have came to the conclusion that it isn’t - happiness and self fulfilment comes before money. That’s not me saying I am going to quit tomorrow, but it won’t be my career, for the next few years I will be content with doing it with the view of moving abroad and trying different things, experiencing new cultures, maybe even carrying out a similar job in a different country or starting my own business or even becoming a special needs teacher - who knows?

I’m just not sure I will ever be fully content in this country, doing a job which has the potential to make me wealthy, comfortable and happy to some degree but I want more than that, I want the ‘I love my job’ feeling, I went the sense of fulfilment that some other jobs bring, I want my working life to have a positive impact on people.

I linked this to my twitter and have found out that people have been reading from there - a lot of people reached out to me yesterday which today I am grateful for. I didn’t even respond to most of these people because I simply didn’t know what to say, my mindset yesterday was ‘yeah they care, but they can’t help, no matter what they say’. 

Today, I feel a lot better after a lot of thinking - yesterday I was thinking of doing something stupid, I didn’t see a way out - but the people who reached out to me and also my family made me realise if I had done anything stupid I could make them feel similar to how I felt and that is the last thing I want to do.

Yesterday was a major blip, I rubbished the progress I have made which was ridiculous in hindsight - I am making progress, not everyday will go swimmingly but I am determined to get back to the process and trust it. There will not be another day like yesterday and I am strong enough to get through this!

If you ever need help or a chat, I’ll always be there, no matter who you are, no matter how well we know each other, its good to talk to people who have been through sh*t. 

The past few days have been hell, back to square one and I don’t know that to do anymore, I’m not sure if this really helped or not. I have too many demons in my head and I’m not strong enough to fight them. Nobody else understands.

Materialistic things mean nothing in life. I actually understand why celebrities get caught up in mental health battles, drug addictions etc. No matter who you are, whatever you have - you can still be effected.

I think all the progress I’ve made and how I’ve grown has literally just went to sh*t. I literally do not know what to do anymore, I’ve tried everything and they say time is a healer - well I don’t want to spend another minute feeling like this because nothing will actually help. 

I find it funny how people look at me from the outside and think he has a good life, no problems and whatever - but on the inside I am literally at breaking point and the thing is, I can’t be helped.

I said from the get go there will be nothing but truth posted on this - no this isn’t attention seeking, it’s how I feel and because I haven’t actually improved, I’ll probably not post again. 

Never once have I written something on this without reason to, I haven’t sat here and thought what can I write today? 

Today I hadn’t had a reason to write anything, this evening got me thinking about this journey that I am on and how I am changing.

My grandads favourite football team were playing tonight and the match was shown on sky sports, he didn’t have a clue it was on, so I got him and brought him down to watch it before his carers came. 

This was a derby, a match that he would have attended without fail, no matter that else was on during the time of the match, I even think he would have missed the birth of one of his children to go to Linfield v Glentoran match and in this moment he didn’t even know the match was on. So sad when I think about it, that at a stage in your life that this could be the way thing are.

The alarm is already set for 6am and I am ready for what this week has in store for me.

The weekend was good, carried out all my plans, spent my time wisely with the right people and some new people, who’s company I really appreciated, it was unexpected, but I believe the best things in life come unexpectedly, if you expect something there is always room for disappointment.

So, hit the ground running with a good day tomorrow with a gym session before I start planned for every day this week, all which will be completed with no excuses, even if my body can’t take it, I’ll go and do what I can do.

Pay day = Thursday - my first full time wage packet, exciting right? But, I am determined to spend it wisely and be sensible, apart from getting myself out of Northern Ireland for the weekend, who know where I will end up but it will start and end with a plane journey, that’s for sure - new scenery, recharge the batteries the right way.

Next week I will be working balls of again until work is completed on my house, i want to get in there ASAP. have my own space which can be enjoyed by friends as well.

My friend told me yesterday when I told him about how I really wanted ‘Snus’ (written about in earlier blog re: nicotine). His reply was -

‘just as you got used to having it in your life, you’ll get used to not having it’

- this was one of the best things I’ve ever heard coming from his mouth!

I thought immediately, ‘you’re completely right’. Then it got me thinking about how this phrase applies to everything in life for example a relationship. You get so used to having someone there so quickly, well it depends on the way things work out - but in my past relationship that was the case. I got used to this person being there 24/7, making me happy, making me sad, making me laugh, making me angry - controlling my emotions. Compare this to snus - I used it to level me out, as a de-stresser.

In this process, alone time is been helpful but I don’t believe that people have to be alone to find themselves in order to be happy. This can be done with the right influences, the right people, people who care, open-minded people, people who make you laugh and smile.

Never feel like you have to do things alone, there are times that you will feel that you need to be alone but this shouldn’t be the whole track, only a pitstop.

Saturday is the first day I will have off work since last Monday, it’s been a long 12 days but it had to be done and I’m buzzing for the weekend. It will be the first weekend in a long time that I won’t be moping about and feeling sorry for myself!

I think weekends become even more valuable when you work full-time Monday to Friday. Winding down, relaxing and spending time with friends and family.

Tonight I’m starting the weekend off in the right fashion, a bit of self care with a fresh trim then going to the local to watch the football with mates.

Tomorrow is a rugby day, watching the old school in the morning with former team mates and school mates, then down to the rugby club for a pint and watch some more rugby.

Sunday will consist of going to my house and clearing out what I can and taking some measurements to plan for the furniture that will be put in.