Blank Pages and Deep Thoughts

“This isn’t my first heartbreak, but everything in me aches like it is. I don’t know how I ever made it through.”

“To my favorite person in the world, I know things are over and I know that means that we won’t get to create any new memories together. I know I lacked a lot of things, and I’m sorry for hurting you. Every day I talk to you, sometimes in whispers, sometimes in sobs, but every day I do. I know a lot of things now, one of which is that I should have given you space and me not giving you this created the biggest space possible. I know how incredibly much I miss you and also that that alone is not a great enough incentive to get us to talk again anymore. I know what we had was special and irreplaceable and nothing makes up for the fact that we don’t get to sit in silence together anymore. I know I’m sad, I can feel it every day when I open my eyes and every day when I lay my head down again on the pillow. It’s becoming a part of me, a you shaped hole in my heart. I know what would feel good and what is the right thing to do, and it raffles me that this time they are two completely different things. I know I had you. I know I lost you. I know it’s already been a while. The one thing I don’t know is whether this will end up being just a break or a good luck in another lifetime kind of thing. And it scares me how I don’t even know which one would be the better option. I don’t know why I’m writing this. but I guess when the day comes that I figure out why it is that I still talk to you in my head every day, the rest will figure itself out. With all my love, always”

I will not make any apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.

and if the end is us together,

Sometimes my life feels so empty, I can’t even write about it. I almost hate that more than sadness. This strange, non-eventful gap in time where things happen but nothing moves forward - it’s static, unmoving, like I’m stuck on pause and emptily trying to live despite it.

Sometimes I cry because I feel too much, and sometimes I cry because I can’t feel a thing at all.

Somedays the best and only thing I can do is sleep.

It’s hard to get to sleep, but I find that it’s even harder to wake up.