“First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine.”
“Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, — now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you.”
“Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail.”
“Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”
Sincerely
Rusty Fleming”
I actually feel like this letter to Fiona Apple is great. It contains so many different sexist tricks that guys get up to in conversation — and then go “BUT WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME SEXIST” or “BUT HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT IT WAS SEXIST,” which, let’s be fair, maybe they genuinely didn’t — that from now on, we can just point to different portions of it and go “see that? You did that. You shouldn’t do that when you disagree with a girl.”
“First, Honey” and/or “Sweetie:” Do not use a term of endearment to address a woman you disagree with unless you are sleeping with her. To be honest, you probably shouldn’t do it then, either. Use her given name (or “Miss Jackson,” if you’re nasty) and stop acting like her disagreement is some adorable little spunky idiot crusade that she’d just drop if only she knew that you were on her side, sweetheart.
“I’m already more famous than you:” No you’re not. But the I’m Kind Of A Big Deal thing is weirdly common for men to pull on women. See, Professor Feminism and the Deleted Comments of Doom, wherein he proclaimed that he wanted to get into a mighty traffic-measuring battle because I was no-one, NO-ONE, and… well, let’s not get into it. It’s a strikingly common maneuver, is what I’m saying, and I’ve only ever seen it done by men, except for one or two incidents.If you have to tell a girl about how big and important and powerful you are, you’re attempting to intimidate her into silence, not talking to her. And, as in the case of The Most Famous Little Sheriff In Texas, it often doesn’t correspond to actual relative power. The impression you’re seeking to give is, again, a big smart man talking to a stupid little girl. Drop it.
“Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say:” The YR OPINION DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY PTTTHHHHPPPBT MOUTHFARTS thing is another “you’re a woman, therefore what you say is irrelevant” move. It’s also untrue on the face of it. Clearly, her opinion matters, because you’re yelling at her about it. Let’s move on.
“Have you ever heard of… Maybe if you would read something:” Another “woman, therefore stupid” move that is surprisingly common. You ask if she’s ever heard of [blank], and without waiting for an answer, conclude that she hasn’t and is therefore ignorant. Y Kant Fiona Read? She can, probably, but it’s to your mansplaining purposes to pretend that she can’t so that you can flaunt your massive, throbbing intellect all over the place.
“I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman:” Ugh. The actual “On Your Side, Sweetheart” Maneuver: This is the one I hate most, actually. It always feels intrusive and violating, like some creepy dude at a bar letting his fingers trail over your torso. And it gets the same reaction: You instinctively want to punch the dude in the face. At which point he’ll wonder why you’re getting so hysterical, because he was paying you a compliment, Jesus. First of all: No, you weren’t. Second: The girl you are disagreeing with doesn’t need your fucking compliments. She needs you to handle the disagreement, by hearing her out like an adult, and coming up with logical objections that don’t rely on dick-swinging sexist belittlement.
“They would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best:” The Can’t You See That Daring To Disagree With Me Is Bad For YOU??? Maneuver, another variation of the On Your Side Sweetheart. Your disagreement is a lady disagreement, therefore it is hysterical and irrational and bad and everyone would like you so much more if you’d just shut up.
“Just shut-up:” Too obvious for comment. Here endeth the lesson.
I don’t know who Rusty Fleming is but like, a) this is perfect and b) the hilarity of him thinking he is more famous than Fiona fucking Apple, and that her career was just now ”jump started” when she won a Grammy in 1998. Oh.
