tw// suicidal ideation, depression (?)
i don’t think i’ve ever consistently thought about ceasing to exist more than i have today. i can’t tell if these are just intrusive thoughts or if they are thoughts with actual weight behind them.
i was never the type to think i had these types of problems. i shut off my feelings so often and for so long that i deluded myself into thinking that i had no problems with my emotions whatsoever. i foolishly thought i didn’t have to be instrospective with myself because-- what’s the point? i have no issues anyways.
i thought i was just in a bad place as of lately, but after looking back at some previous drafts, i realize i’ve been feeling this way for the past 6 years. unknowingly bottling up the antipathy for myself since the end of high school.
it’s finally hitting me that i have some deep-rooted loneliness, sadness, and self-hatred and it’s terrifying to come to terms with it.
