As a non binary trans person who lives with OCD, I know all too well that transitioning isn't always the fairytale some people paint it as. I know how it is to have to validate your identity to yourself in every single second, or else you're "not truly trans or queer". I know how terrifying it is to be desolated by doubt about your identity because you have to have it "completely figured out" or else it's "not genuine". I know how fear and panic might take control when you take steps towards the person you wanna be, making you even question if you should go on. And I know how it is to have your own head invalidating your identity because you don't feel "amazing" every time you try to affirm it. Because that's how transition should feel if you "really are trans", no?
Fuck no dude. You and I know this is bullshit, and even so it gets to our heads. Torture us every single moment of the day. Drains us of our energies like a bloodsucker. Fill us with anxiety, fear and panic. But hey, if you're reading this and see at least some of you in it, I get you. I really do. You're not alone in this. And you are valid. You are beautiful. Despite ALL of this, you've been fighting so fiercely until now just to be who you are. To be yourself. That's the most beautiful thing you could do with your life, and the most genuine gesture of love for yourself.
Remember every sparkle of joy you felt when you stood your ground and could truly feel like yourself. Be who wanted to be for so long, who you WAS for so long, but they kept it away from you. Remember these little moments of happiness and hope that makes it all worth it. It's because of them you've come this far, isn't it? I know it's hard, but please, try to be gentle with yourself. You're deserving of happiness, of care and understanding, specially from yourself. And of course, you deserve a life of your own, in the most intrinsic way. Because know that if you're here, if you're struggling and fighting so much for your own happiness and to take control over your own existence, you're free. So radically, beautifully free, and no one will ever take this from you. Not even yourself could ever do it, even if you tried. After all, you wanna live. Intensely, genuinely so.
And last but not least, surround yourself with people that support and care about you. Especially queer people. A part of what I've written are words from my dear, incredible partner. You need places that feel like your own, where you feel like you can let yourself bloom (don't blame me for being cheesy that's how I feel ok). Where you know people truly recognize you as yourself and you're not overwhelmed by expectations. Where you can let go of the fear and anxiety, and look sincerely to yourself. I hope for the both of us that these places are more and more common in our lives. I know they'll be.
So please please please never give up on fighting for who you wanna be, for the life you wanna live. Despite everything, we've come this far. Despite everything, it's still us. And nobody's taking that from us. After all, transition may be a kind of fairytale. A crooked, imperfect and messy one, but a fairytale nonetheless.
(YES I've written this ONE DAY AFTER PRIDE bc FUCK IT EVERY MONTH IS PRIDE MONTH BITCH
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