❝ don’t make a big deal out of it. ❞ ❝ don’t do it. you aren’t that kind of person. ❞ ❝ are you really going to continue with this insanity? ❞ ❝ let’s end this. i can’t do this anymore. ❞ ❝ the least i can do is stand night-watch. ❞ ❝ i’ve never lived like i was in control of my own life. ❞ ❝ what’s got you so worked up? ❞ ❝ i’m sorry. i’ll be better. ❞ ❝ wait, did you steal this? ❞ ❝ i’m good at everything. you know that. ❞ ❝ i don’t trust people. especially people who ended up in a place like this. ❞ ❝ things will be a little dangerous tonight. keep your eyes open. ❞ ❝ give up. it’s over. ❞ ❝ you don’t trust people here because you can. you do it because you don’t have anybody else. ❞ ❝ i was afraid they might attack again. ❞ ❝ if anyone gets attacked, we have to stick together and fight. ❞ ❝ just think of it as a dream. ❞ ❝ if i hear you breathe, i’ll come for you. ❞ ❝ why? why do you do this? ❞ ❝ it was unexpected. i didn’t think you’d get this far. ❞ ❝ don’t let yourself go. stay right here. i’ll get a doctor. ❞ ❝ don’t worry. i’m not going to kill you. ❞ ❝ do as i say. and you will live ❞ ❝ you deceived me pretending to know nothing about it! ❞ ❝ this situation makes absolutely no sense! ❞ ❝ i’ll explain everything later. ❞ ❝ damn it! will you please pull yourself together? ❞ ❝ it’s all my fault i ended up like this. ❞ ❝ great job. keep it up. ❞ ❝ what’s wrong? are you scared? ❞ ❝ what about your family? ❞ ❝ you bastard. you’re cheating, aren’t you? ❞ ❝ what are you doing? open your hand. ❞ ❝ if we stay like this, we’ll both die! ❞ ❝ let’s make a promise. that if either one of us makes it out of here alive, we’ll look after each other’s family. ❞ ❝ don’t talk like that. we’ll get out here together. ❞ ❝ where the hell have you been? i haven’t seen or heard from you in days! ❞ ❝ you always have to get into trouble to know it’s trouble. ❞ ❝ do you know why your life is so pathetic? ❞ ❝ if i’m hurt, will you treat me? ❞ ❝ i have to stay alive and get the hell out of here! ❞ ❝ i can’t forgive you for everything that you’re doing. ❞ ❝ now, aren’t you a little too old to be this clueless? ❞ ❝ you pull anything on me and i’ll rip your fucking throat wide open. ❞ ❝ i always keep my word, don’t i? ❞ ❝ you’re dressed too lightly in this old weather. ❞ ❝ don’t ask anything for now. you need to pack up and leave right away. ❞ ❝ something is going on with you, right? ❞ ❝ look at those eyes. you still have that temper, huh? ❞ ❝ i’m alive right now because i tried damn hard to stay alive. ❞ ❝ i want at least one chance to be the owner of my life. ❞ ❝ remember? we promised to stick together until the end. ❞ ❝ i’m not going no matter what you say. ❞ ❝ do you still trust people? even after what you’ve been through? ❞ ❝ don’t mind me, and worry about yourself. ❞ ❝ shouldn’t you be grateful that i did the dirty work for you? ❞ ❝ no matter what excuses you make, you still killed an innocent man. ❞ ❝ this is hell. there are no rules in hell. ❞ ❝ i don’t trust a word you just said. ❞ ❝ you weren’t stabbed too deep, so you should be fine. ❞ ❝ you’re not the type to back down after a few blows. ❞ ❝ i can’t believe i’ve run into you here. ❞ ❝ those people tried to kill me every chance they had. ❞ ❝ i’m not going to die for you to live. ❞ ❝ did you stay up all night? ❞ ❝ see? i’m just another human like you. ❞ ❝ trust me. you and i will get out of here. ❞ ❝ come to think of it, we don’t even know each other’s names. ❞ ❝ it’s a relief none of us were badly hurt. ❞ ❝ please, stop! i’m so scared. ❞ ❝ why? do you want to team up with me? ❞ ❝ i never bothered to study, but i’m unbelievably smart. ❞ ❝ let’s get you washed up first. ❞ ❝ how can i trust a scumbag like you? ❞ ❝ it’ll be okay once you get some rest. ❞ ❝ at this rate, we’ll all die! everyone is going to die. ❞ ❝ stick with the strongest team. that’s the only way. ❞ ❝ you think that i’ll be thankful that you did this? ❞ ❝ we come too far to go back. ❞ ❝ you’ll be shocked to find out the things i can do for you. ❞ ❝ what’s with your face by the way? you get into fights now? ❞ ❝ i can kill you right this instant. ❞ ❝ you can be in all the fights that you want, but don’t get beaten up. ❞ ❝ out there, i don’t stand a chance. i do in here. ❞ ❝ stop. why the hell would you try do do that? ❞ ❝ wow. you’re so cold. as cold as ice. ❞ ❝ you’re the one who asked me to join you. ❞ ❝ why do you care about my name? ❞ ❝ hey, you can’t just leave! ❞ ❝ let’s talk about things we wouldn’t tell other people. ❞ ❝ why are you in such a hurry? ❞ ❝ let’s play this, just this once. it’s really fun. ❞ ❝ i don’t want to do this with you. ❞ ❝ i just came here because i had nowhere else to go. ❞ ❝ i got to say, your stories are way too dark. ❞ ❝ i’m sorry. i took you wrong. ❞ ❝ have you ever seen a dead person before you came here? ❞ ❝ you got this far all thanks to me. ❞ ❝ we’re doomed if you lose this. you know that, right? ❞ ❝ no. do you think i’m a kid? ❞ ❝ hey, you’ve got to dream big, don’t you think? ❞ ❝ remember. once they find out who you are, they die. ❞ ❝ you’re just a kid. what did they do to you? ❞ ❝ nothing has been this sad. tragic. ❞ ❝ anything else? is there anywhere you want to go? ❞ ❝ bullshit. you killed those guys out there. ❞ ❝ you killed them. you killed them all. ❞ ❝ if you help me, there’s a way both of us could live. ❞ ❝ if i die here, my entire family will die too. ❞ ❝ i lived my entire life hiding behind others like a coward. ❞ ❝ what are you doing? stop stalling. ❞ ❝ no matter what we tell each other, there’s no reason to feel embarrassed. ❞ ❝ you don’t look too well. ❞ ❝ please, please trust me this once and help me. ❞ ❝ shit. i’m not scared. ❞ ❝ i want to go home. ❞ ❝ how dare you touch me, you little shit! ❞ ❝ we’ll talk later, okay? i’m busy right now. ❞ ❝ i’m too tired. i’m too tired to go on. ❞ ❝ it broke because of you, asshole! ❞ ❝ i guess we were destined to meet. ❞ ❝ no, you’re not fine. you can’t even walk properly. ❞ ❝ do you have your phone on you? can i use your phone? ❞ ❝ i feel really bad for your mother. ❞ ❝ i don’t want to sit around waiting for my death like this. ❞ ❝ i don’t think you realize the seriousness of this matter. ❞ ❝ thank you. you saved my life. ❞ ❝ we can’t fall asleep tonight. anything can happen after lights-out. ❞ ❝ we shouldn’t be killing each other like this. ❞ ❝ you startled me! ❞ ❝ i’m trying to say that we need to share. ❞ ❝ give it back. it’s mine. give it back to me! ❞ ❝ buy me some time. i’ll let you know if i find out anything. ❞ ❝ you don’t look too well. ❞ ❝ you won’t find anyone better than me among those that are left. ❞ ❝ are you…going to go in there? ❞ ❝ you’re the really annoying type. know that? ❞ ❝ this brings back old memories. ❞ ❝ don’t be nervous. we’ll surely win if we work together. ❞ ❝ where is everyone? why is everyone gone? ❞ ❝ we girls should stick together. ❞ ❝ do you think you can win without me? ❞ ❝ i don’t care if it’s embarrassing. i have to win no matter what. ❞ ❝ you should’ve known when to stop. ❞ ❝ life out here is more tormenting. ❞ ❝ i can’t believe i ran into you here. what are the chances? ❞ ❝ don’t skip meals and dress warmly. ❞ ❝ you’re making a big mistake by not teaming up with me. ❞ ❝ if you deceive me again, i’ll cut your throat open. ❞ ❝ i understand very well what your situation is like. ❞ ❝ look over there. what is that? looks really creepy. ❞ ❝ what happened? why are you here? ❞ ❝ stop dragging this on and be my partner. ❞ ❝ you’re the only one who looked they they’d come along. ❞ ❝ why do you want to team up with me? ❞ ❝ do something! god damn it! ❞ ❝ do you trust me? i don’t trust you. ❞ ❝ we’re all sinners already. our hands are drenched in blood. ❞ ❝ do me a favor. just leave me alone. ❞ ❝ no need to thank me. i did it to save myself. ❞ ❝ what a shame. i wanted to kill you myself. ❞ ❝ i’m good at everything except for the things that i’m not. ❞ ❝ if you call me that again, i’ll rip that mouth off. ❞ ❝ are you finally showing your true colours? ❞ ❝ we’ll have a girl’s night out and make mijitos and everything, okay? ❞ ❝ you ask such dumb questions even in this kind of situation. ❞ ❝ dimwit. you don’t know anything. ❞ ❝ you’re so secretive. ❞ ❝ let me see your face. ❞ ❝ what are you thinking about so deeply? i thought you were sleeping with your eyes open. ❞ ❝ will you be okay? it looks like you had a nightmare. ❞ ❝ try doing this without much sleep or food, while barely escaping death every day. ❞ ❝ i stopped the others from killing you because they can’t trust you. ❞ ❝ can you really do this without me? i can’t do this without you. ❞ ❝ give me a good reason why i should trust you. ❞ ❝ trust me. we still have another chance. ❞ ❝ that’s a pretty name. though i’m not sure how well it fits. ❞ ❝ don’t worry. why would i kill you? ❞ ❝ if you make a bigger scene and get caught, you and i both will die in vain. ❞ ❝ what’s important isn’t who i am. ❞ ❝ not only did you get me more curious, your voice seems to have changed. ❞ ❝ back then, i was a bit out of it. ❞ ❝ kill me? and how are you going to do that? ❞ ❝ what’s wrong with you? you don’t remember? ❞ ❝ i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have mentioned it. ❞ ❝ i’m not going to stand with a coward like you. ❞ ❝ just go! or we will all die! ❞ ❝ it’s all right. everything will be all right. ❞ ❝ make sure you leave this place alive. ❞ ❝ just let me lose in style. ❞ ❝ thank you. for everything. ❞ ❝ it was fun while it lasted. ❞ ❝ stop giggling, asshole. ❞ ❝ this is the biggest tragedy since the war. ❞ ❝ i used to live in a neighborhood just like this one. ❞ ❝ we should focus on protecting ourselves first. ❞ ❝ those guys are definitely up to no good. ❞ ❝ thanks to you, i had a good time. ❞ ❝ i would’ve killed you already if i wanted. ❞ ❝ when faced with danger, seek refuge in the herd. ❞ ❝ i hope your long trip here has not been too difficult. ❞ ❝ you want us to leave and start a shitty life all over again from rock bottom with this shitty guilt in our hearts? ❞ ❝ if you wish to leave with me, please stand up. ❞ ❝ how do you call yourself human? ❞ ❝ pull yourself together! pull yourself together and listen to me! ❞ ❝ please. please pull yourself together. i beg you. please. ❞ ❝ i’m keeping everyone safe. don’t worry and go to sleep. ❞ ❝ now that i’m working with you, i feel like we could win. ❞ ❝ sorry. my mistake, again. ❞

Martha Gellhorn, Selected Letters

  ‘  I have. ’    they offer no further explanation as they wipe some blood from their face ( the effectiveness of which is questionable considering there had already been blood on their hands ). they’ll never forget all the blood they’ve seen, their own and otherwise. they’ll never forget when empathy saved their life, how he’d been drenched in blood as he carried them through the enemies base and they couldn’t work out why. it wasn’t until he got them outside that they became aware — the entire gang, dead. piles of bodies outside, so many people that they assumed empathy brought the gang with him. he didn’t. it was all him. that was the day they realized that everyone was capable of the worst, that people could do terrible things with ease. they’d always known their boyfriend was dangerous, but that will always be the moment they realized just how dangerous he was. nothing would ever top how much blood they saw that day, even if they had been a little out of it with a head wound. they’d always remember that. they look over to mabel with little emotion visible on their face, taking in how the girl looks, what emotions she’s dealing with.  ‘   y'get used to it. ’    they hope she won’t have to.  ‘   are… ’    oh, they hate this. they’re far too awkward for this.  ‘   y'alright ? ’

     tectonic plates shift beneath the barriers of your mind ; their slow grind against one another cause some irreparable shift inside of you. the shaking starts , rocks you from the core outwards. it had been months since the first INCIDENT. you’ve taken to censoring it from your mind as much as possible. the black bars in your memory are meant to comfort , yet now all they do in unsettle.  SO MANY IMPORTANT EVENTS AND SO LITTLE EVIDENCE LEFT BEHIND.   ‘ how’d you deal with it ?   th-the blood ? ’   unspoken works trip on the edge of your tongue. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THE DEATH. because it’s the loss of life that haunts you so dearly. the john doe in the paper , the man you knew as PETER LOVEGATE. his drivers licence sits upon the growing pile ; hidden ‘neath the kitchen sink , blood crusted.    all this rushing through your mind and all you can do to convey ALL THAT PAIN is cry , ugly , fat , globulous tears.  this poor child  ( HARDLY YOUNGER THAN YOU , AND FAR MORE GROWN UP THAN YOU MAY EVER DREAM TO BE )  caught in the wildfire of your upset.   ‘ i don’t want to get used to it !  i WANT it to be some fucking dream that i’ll wake up from ! ’   you’re pinwheeling out of control. haggard breaths , racing heart, death would be welcome if it meant an end to this.  fighting for control you try to stop the panic , sucking in air through gritted teeth and wiping snot from sodden face.  ‘  — be fine. i’ll — FUCK  — i’ll be okay. ’

Saeed Jones, How We Fight for Our Lives

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“ this is just like you. your hands are clean no matter who kills or gets killed. your problems are solved either way. “

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke, 1892-1910

— Izumi Shikibu, from The Ink Dark Moon [translated by Jane Hirshfield with Aratani Mariko] 

and god created woman, 1956

Naples, Italy

Susan Orlean, The orchid thief