Ami

But I'm just, thankful. So,so, thankful.

(this is a long reply, i'm extremely sorry)

“I don’t know how to evince this huge reverence I suddenly got over you.”

at 8 in the morning when you wake up, after the glaring indian sun hits your face and you read such words woven together into such a string of emotions, to be fair, what did i even expect to feel other than bittersweet happiness and a bit flabbergasted?

i wish there were words more meaningful than the boring ‘thank you(s)' because truly, you’ve left me speechless. all i can say is that my imperfect heart receives your praises and thoughts with all the warmth in the world and i hope even the lil bit of that warmth traverses through all the time zones that divide us against our wishes and gives you strength to carry on with your life, @tannedami.

regardless of my absence, i still want my blog to be one of the many corners for a breath of relief for all of you. this was once my escape, i'm grateful that the place i escaped to, a home i built amidst all my griefs became a shade under which you all take a breather from the glaring sun that represents each and every one of your lives.

it was the sole reason i left my blog untouched. i deleted not a single one of my letters or fics. i kept them all, even the unfinished and imperfect ones. my only hope was that in my farewell in every sense, a piece of me will always stay on the internet to give you all solace. in a world that flows parallel to yours, mine and all of the others, i hope my words move close to your home just to feel the air that surrounds you. in that world, my words carry all your griefs and your shortcomings like wearing rings that have all of your's names engraved on the insides.

And, why would you be sorry for a lovely reply? I have always had a soft spot for replies with such words as yours. So, of course, I cherish it close to my heart, always.

To be honest, I didn't even expect you to reply, so it's heartwarming to realise that...you took time to reply me. God, I wish I could say many more things to describe how this reply made me feel. I was basically drained out due to several reasons in my house. I was just..way too sad, thinking like, "I always understand my close ones but they end up hurting me" It seems like exaggeration,but you know, feelings can be overwhelming. I thought I was being selfish to only think my side of pain, and I still think that way. But it's okay, I know I will eventually learn to get through this and understand myself more like I did for others.

And then, I read your reply. It was like a timely heal for my wounded heart, and I will forever cherish moments like these. You're so kind, and the fact that you're Indian (I guess?) makes me realise that we're not so different. I'm glad you shared all those letters, those stories which will live in my heart rent free, I just— can't put the exhilarating feeling into words, you know? You may think, why would a stranger like me, feel these many things for you and your lovely words. Maybe because I always find a comfort place in these kinds of words.

And, by the way you speak, I can say with no hesitation that, you can be called a home for many, a safe place for souls. Please don't think I exaggerate things. Words were always my friends when I felt suffocated. They helped translate my thoughts into these words. Words were always powerful, always phenomenal in my pov.

And, I hope you're doing well too. If not, I would love to talk with you some more. I always loved to talk, especially with a person like you. I feel deeply joyous to realise that, you replied (I guess my mind will not stop repeating this on loop for some months)

Then..i actually loved the letter you wrote for jeongguk, back then at 2019, at his birthday. I guess it's a memoir. And, I literally fell in love with that to a point where I copied those lovely words and saved it in my gallery album called "The snow I loved" of course, I gave credits to you in that album too. And, jeongguk was the snow I loved. So, I personally felt connected to the another work that you created "Gguk— what if you were my bestfriend?" It melted my heart completely. I was wipped for it and I was crying like an idiot. Not the bad tears, your words were that much impactful (or maybe I'm just being an emotional idiot)

And, I loved all the other letters, the fanfictions and what not? They were all so lovely (sorry I'm repeating this again and again)

@pffbts I don't know whether I will get a reply for a reply, but again, I'm grateful. Please continue to live happily just like you advised us. Happiness,as you said, come and go. But..I hope you have something or someone to renew the drained happiness. (Again, I would love to talk with you)

Stay safe, stay healthy, I love your lovely words. Bye~