Okay, there's this thing I've been feeling, I'm quite sure many people out there have felt it. So, it's the insecurity and unsurity of whether you'd be able to do what you want in the future.
I'm a kind of person, whom you'd call as over ambitious, and honestly, I feel that I can achieve various things I want.
I'm not going into detail about my dreams, but let's just say the possibility of me being what I want to be is almost like 1% - 10%. Or it could be less.
I'm 17, and i think I can call myself talented because I found that up until now, the things I've been doing, I'm doing them really good without much of hard word. Let's just say, academics, I'm quite good at it, but honestly, I don't study as hard as fifty percent people out there and still get more marks than fifty percent people out there. So basically, I wanna say is that if I work hard, I think I'd be able to achieve what I want.
(Reminds of "If talent doesn't work hard, hardwork beats talent.")
Scared of the future, what if I work hard, and I still don't achieve anything? Because I know, my dreams and goals are very much based on luck. Very much.
And i feel this constant anxiety, everytime I start working. Working hard gets out of question. I'm honestly scared.
And when I share this to other people, they say that if you don't reach your destination, you'd be able to guide others. Like yes, that made me feel good!
What people don't understand is that people like me who are afraid of falling and failing don't really wanna want people telling us that it's okay to fail and you'd still be able to continue your life like you want.
They aren't completely wrong, I know, but doesn't this nullify every work we do? Wouldn't this increase our anxiety and make us believe that perhaps we are bound to fall, bound to fail?
Because there are more people out there consolling us for failing before we even started.
What we want is to know that we can do it. A little courage, a little strength, telling us that even if chances of you failing is 99 times higher than you achieving, BUT, you'd still get it.
We want someone to tell us that fuck luck.
But, it's starting to hurt now. It seems like all the time would be wasted in figuring out how to control my breath and my thoughts when I should actually start working.
The future I wish I would get flashes in front of my eyes and just after a second the image breaks, telling me that this wouldn't be true.
Tell me now, what should I do?
Couldn't stop dreaming, couldn't stop working.
P. S. I am writing this, because that's exactly what I feel. I've been distracting myself from doing my work by reading books and all but it's just delaying my time to achieve something but as soon as I start working for it, exactly that happens with me, where the image flashes in front of my eyes. I just wanted to sought out what's happening in my mind. I don't know how many of you would read this. Feels like I need support, I'm such a narcissist to be ashamed of asking this. But I don't wanna be like this. I wanna work thinking that perhaps luck isn't exactly what controls your life, that you can control it. I just wanna work hard without thinking I would fail.
origamiaround
snowghoul
germansingergirl
