send me a letter

It's my Birthday today. I don't know if you remembered but I thought I'd just let you know, it doesn't really matter. I know you don't want to talk to me but it would be nice if maybe you did. You did bring me into this world 22 years ago, that should mean something.

Love,

I miss you. I’ve always had my best friend by my side and now I’m suddenly alone. Not that I’m complaining. The sights I have seen have been worth it, I think. I miss Harvey more than anyone will know. Please tell him so. You don’t think this will affect him in any way? What if he thinks he made me leave? I know if you were here you would yell at me for worrying too much. The thought of that is comforting. The reason I really had the urge to write you, though, is a girl here…she took her life. I had only spoken to her once, but even so…maybe I could’ve helped? If I said something differently? If I did something differently? I saved you. Why couldn’t I save her? I kinda…I kinda thought I was alive to save people but I didn’t do it this time. 

I feel you yelling at me again. Please tell Harvey Mommy misses him. I’ll call you soon to talk to you and him. I hope he hasn’t forgotten my voice. 

Unlike my talking, I'm not going to ramble on in this letter, you must of got sick of that a while back, right? Something terrible happened here, this girl... She's gone. You know what I mean? You always did before. I'll call you soon to see how everything's going.

Love,

If you have any letters to send home then come and put them in my box to post. Here at the Exchange we have express mail so you get your responses even quicker. You can send messages to anyone, friends, family, even pets if you want. Just drop them off when you're ready.

There was a reason that I didn't reply that you don't understand. I don't expect you too. Parker, you may be an adult but you're still my son. You were still our son. The Exchange didn't seem right for you. It's possible I was wrong. I didn't think you needed to be here. I know that seems cold. You needed excitement in your life or help and the place to seek it was not here, it hadn't helped you before. I'm glad you're okay and that you're getting help and that you think you're almost ready but I'm not sure I am. Things have been rough between us. Don't think that I don't love you, I do, you are my son, and I'm glad that Daniel is okay, but maybe the fact that being away is making you better is a sign. A sign that coming back here won't help. I don't want to undo all your hard work so for now, I suppose this is until the next letter, 

Love Always,

Wow.. been a couple months since I’ve even talked to you. Not since dad’s funeral. Look I’m sorry for leaving so soon. I should have been there for you, I just couldn’t at the time. Before I came to the exchange you told me it would be a waste, you didn’t even write back to me or reply to my emails. When you wrote me to tell me my own father was dying, and not to come.. you fucked with my head. If I knew before his final weeks I would have helped. I could have helped. …But that’s in the past now and I think we need to move past it Mom. I love you and I’ve been trying to get better. Cause it’s what Dad would have wanted; I’m sorry I wasn’t there but I am now. My therapist has been helping me and I think I’m almost ready to come visit. If you’ll have me, I would love to help you sort Dad’s stuff and bring Daniel to meet you. (Dad’s brothers kid…He survived the accident.)

Love your son,

I know we speak regularly, but we never really speak. We talk about how shit Liverpool have become, and the Lions winning the test match against Australia, but none of that matters. I also don’t feel as though I can really have a conversation with you about anything that serious. We’re too much alike. Neither of us would want to take it in. So, that’s why I’m going old-school with a letter. If you don’t reply, that’s okay. If you do, I promise you we’ll never have to talk face-to-face about what we’ve written down.

Though you had to find out the worst way possible, none of my depression was your fault. I know you partially blame yourself; but don’t. My mental illness was in no way down to your parenting. You were always the best dad ever, even if you did force me to have a kick-about with you when I’d rather stick to Call of Duty. I was just sick. However, with all of the help I have received, I can assure you that I’m better. Even if I’m not quite there yet, I’m close. I’m close to the finishing line, dad. I’ll be okay.

Lacey is doing great. I know I always send you photos to show how much she’s grown, but it’s too fast! But I love her so, so much and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her. Alaska and I are perfect right now. We’re very stable. Of course, we still bicker, but our relationship wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t. I really feel I could spend the rest of my life with her. I want to.

I'm so glad you chose to wrote! I may have figured out how to use Skype but the computer is still a struggle for me, I'm not on the same page with this stuff as all of you kids! I am glad you went on the trip and there I've proved you wrong, there are some decent people that you were bound to meet eventually out there! I'm happy for you! Even though I do miss you a lot, things aren't the same around here-- And I had to figure out the dishwasher alone!

Cookie sounds nice, maybe when the trip is over she can come home with you and I'll keep all the old stuff that I was going to put out on the streets after Keith passed away. Maybe you and your friend could come on a trip home? I would love to meet someone you feel so happy to write about to me.

Oh, Leah, I know that I've made it hard to talk about your parents over the years, but I have my reasons. I disagreed with what they did strongly and I could never really believe they did not return at once. I am getting older and so are you and you're right, you should be able to know what they were like. Your Mother was like you, kind hearted, and as a girl she stood out, she was always laughing and surrounded by friends and love, but she was also very determined to do what something good for the world, perhaps that was her downfall, she was too committed to making everything right with the outside world to remember that she had her own life to figure out. 

Your Father is someone that I only met when he was 19 years old, but he was such a happy boy at the time, always having bright ideas. He spurred your Mother on to do many great things and they were a good pair. He was the first person to make her calm down and think things through and then they had you and of course they loved you very much and you were just a little baby, you looked a lot like your Mother. They wanted everything for you, everything including uprooting you and taking you halfway across the world to Africa, to live a life you didn't know, but I couldn't let that happen. I didn't want you to be stuck somewhere that you had no way home from, that was dangerous, your parents could take care of themselves and would forget about you, they were too wrapped up in their grand ideas. So they left you behind with me, and I have never regretted that, I hope you don't either.

All my love,

Pappy. 

I know I promised I’d start writing to you as soon as I got here, but you’ve learned how to Skype so writing wasn’t important. Today I’ve left for a hotel and forgot to mention it to you, so I decided it’s time to write home. I cannot stress enough how glad I am that you asked me to come here, though I do miss you more than anything, I’ve made more than enough friends here. 

Okay that's a lot to take in but I'm glad about the last part and that you're having a good time! Seriously though, you almost did the deed?! This exchange seems a lot more interesting than I thought. Nobody gets tired of you being nice, I can't even imagine YOU being mean. This is just weird! Write to me again soon about what you're getting up to, if you're not too busy living it up,

Love, 

When I had you, it was one of the best days of my life, the same with your sister and I can only be glad she didn't read that letter. I let you go away because I thought it might help. I thought you might begin to let go of the past and stop throwing it back in my face. Mistakes were made and I am not the same person as I  was. You make it so hard for me to be your Mother when half the time you aren't behaving like you are my son. I miss your Father too but there is a reason that we don't talk about it. Everything I did, I regret and don't all at once because of you two. One day you might understand what I did for you but until then, please leave your sister out of this, she was much younger than you. Good bye Jace, I hope that the next time you write you'll be more careful.

Sorry also,

Being away has made me think about a lot of things, and I know that I promised I’d talk to you, that I’d tell you what was going on with me but I never really did, did I? I miss you a lot. I don’t know why. You were always the two people that were most important to me, that kept me on the right track, the two people that truly cared about me and that I had no choice but to let in. I feel like I hurt you with the way I act, how cold and sarcastic I truly became, but I just can’t help it. There were always things we didn’t talk about, things that were left unsaid, topics that you were too scared to talk about and so was I. 

Mom, I know you think you made a lot of mistakes, and I always felt like maybe one of them was me, maybe it was ever having children, me and Allie and Allie, I know you’re going to read this and maybe you won’t understand, maybe it’s because you always felt loved and safe or maybe it’s because you were always just as scared to me. The distance between us means I feel like I can say all of this. When I come back, in however long it takes before this trip ends and you see me face to face, and you know everything, when I’ve said all that there is left to say, please, don’t hate me. That’s what I was always afraid of. You hating me. The reason behind all the things left unsaid and maybe you liked it that way, maybe you liked knowing that I was too scared to even bring up the things you didn’t want me too.

I feel awful. Two nights ago, on New Year's Eve, I was prompted to do something. And, I did it. I know. Stupid. But it told me to be as mean as I could be, because people were tired of me being nice. Long story short, I had a few too many drinks, and accomplished that goal. And, I almost love my virginity to some guy I don't even know. I know, scary. Anyway, besides that I've had a nice time and hope it gets better.

Love, 

If you’re starting to hate it you should know i’m on a plane, right now, coming to get you. You got drunk? You? Drunk? Never. Just kidding. 3 guys, wow. I can’t even get 1, never mind 3. Bring one home for me, ok? Everything at home is normal, shitty, boring -> normal. I guess that everything’s really weird without you here, everything’s not functioning properly, I can’t go anywhere without missing my Charles. School is a bitch and so are the teachers, and all the people. It used to be bearable, but not without you:(. I want to fly out right now, skype me sometime, ok?

I miss you too, you’ve got to tell me everything, write to me again!

I love you too,

I'm starting to hate it here, I wish you were here. I got drunk and blazed last night, I woke up and didn't remember a thing. There are like three guys that say they like me, and I'm so fucking confused. How's everything at home? Is school still a bitch? Ugh, to be honest. I wish I was there right now, I miss you so much. I have so many other things to tell you right now. But I gotta go before anyone see's me writing this. I love you babe.