Tales of a Thinker

So...

Okay, I’m not really sure how to go about this as I haven’t written anything for almost a year. At first, I couldn’t even remember what my Tumblr URL was. Good thing, I still remembered what e-mail address I am using here and I just reset my password (yes, I also forgot that). I guess, that’s what’s ironic about an overthinker like me - I think too much - I’ve got waaaay too much stuff in my head - that I am starting to lose memory of the important stuff.

Anyway, I am just writing this to get some of the billions of things out of my head. (I was about to type ‘rubbish’ instead of ‘billions of things’ because that would most probably be how others will perceive this, but then I remembered someone telling me that whatever I am feeling and thinking, IT IS VALID. It is not rubbish. If I am feeling it, then it must be real and I am entitled to it.)

Fair warning: This post might be a bit jumbled-up. As I have said, my thoughts are. Bear with me, guys. Just bear with me. I am trying my best.

SLUMBER HEAVEN

SLEEP: One of the things most of us lack nowadays. We wake up early, we do what we do for a living for eight or more hours a day, we still unwind after that, and then we sleep. But it is never enough. Now imagine if you’re someone who, aside from those things stated above, has a brain that just doesn’t know how to stop thinking about certain stuff. Like, all the time you are conscious, some things just wouldn’t stop pestering you. They always manage to push their way to the surface and  get your attention.

At the moment, that is me.

One time, amidst all the thinking and feeling heavy about everything, I fell asleep. Well, it was actually just a nap. But let me tell you, it was the best nap I’ve had in a long time. It was the kind which quieted everything. For those few minutes, it felt like heaven. Everything was clear. Everything was quiet. Everything felt lighter. When I woke up, I was still craving for more of it. Sucks to be alive sometimes, y’know. When all you really want to do is have more of that piece of heaven, you have to snap out of it. To face reality. To keep moving even if you don’t want to anymore. To not let it be too obvious that you just want to sleep... to bask in that silence... for who knows how long... I have told a friend about the thoughts that came to mind after that afternoon nap, but I won’t tell you here. I am just trying to dismiss the idea because I know it’s not right. But I hope you get the picture. These days, all I really want is that kind of sleep.

People will often tell you that many others have it worse. That your situation or emotions are a “no-match” to that of others, but as I have been told once, whatever I am feeling is valid. Whatever it is that’s bothering me at the moment, no matter how small it may seem to others, I guess it is becoming a big thing for me because I am an overthinker and I can’t help it, and it affects me a lot, up to the point that I have to force myself to act like a normal human being and eat and go to work and even laugh at jokes. Some might literally have it worse but each of us is a different person and our brains are designed with a different way of thinking and each of us are designed to feel differently - some stronger than others.

This is getting a bit too long and you probably still don’t see any point to it, but yes, here’s a peak of my messed-up brain at work. I hope you don’t judge me. And in case you notice me being all strange and basically avoiding anyone’s company, I hope you understand.

Sometimes it just feels more peaceful when I don’t talk to anyone about anything, especially about things I am trying to not to think about. It kind of loses its power over me, I guess. And most of the time, having some heavenly slumber makes things feel better.

Life is not perfect. (Yes, I know I’m stating the VERY obvious. You’re probably already rolling your eyes. 😄) It is far from being so. But it is liveable (is that a word?!). We don’t even have to wonder how we’ve survived all these years. Sometimes, all it takes are a few good thoughts and a fresh perspective of things. Sometimes, all it takes is us choosing not to let things get the best of us.

In my case, I always try to tell myself to keep calm, and I repeat a few lines in my head. Here are a few of those things I tell myself in different circumstances:

1. When something I want to last long, abruptly ends…

“It might not have lasted, but at least I got to experience it for a while. I guess, it really wasn’t for me to keep.”

2. When something bad (but petty) happens…

“It could’ve been worse…”

3. When I feel like nothing’s going good for me in every aspect of my life…

“Better things are coming. God has a plan.”

4. When I lose touch of people I care about…

“Maybe they really aren’t meant to stay. Thanks for stopping by, anyway.” (oh hey, that rhymed!)

5. And of course, in all circumstances…

THANK YOU, FATHER GOD! :)

How do we usually measure success? For some, it is having all the wealth in the world, having the biggest mansions, gaining the most possessions. For some, it is having a prestigious title following their names. For some, it is saying that they’ve set foot on the most number of countries in the world. For some, it might even be setting foot on a different planet. If this is how we measure success, does that mean most of us ordinary people haven’t lead successful lives?

In my opinion, big or small, successes are successes. It is not defined by the number of recognitions we gain by what we do. Trophy or no trophy, plaque or no plaque, medal or no medal, certificate or no certificate, successes are successes, and they should be celebrated.

Being young parents and getting to raise their kids well is a success to be celebrated.

Being able to wake up and survive another day despite depression is a success to be celebrated.

Being able to finish challenging tasks at school or work is a success to be celebrated.

Being a degree holder is a success to be celebrated.

All the little things, when we accomplish them, are successes to be celebrated.

But there are still more significant ways of measuring success.

Success is when we get to be creative. It is when we get to do what we love and be paid for it. It is when we conquer our fears. It is when we see new places, new faces, and learn new things. But most importantly, success is when, no matter how little we have, we still get to give.

It is probably cliché to be posting something like this but I’d still write about it, anyway. Who knows, I might present traveling in a whole new perspective, right?

Last October 20 to 25, 2015, I had the chance to take a much-needed break from work and to travel. It was my first out-of-the-country trip, and I can say it was a “life-changing” experience. I got the chance to see for myself that all the things you get to read on articles about travel are, indeed, true. And I guess I learned a few things myself. Here it goes…

1. Traveling makes us flexible. … And of course, I don’t mean ballet-dancer flexible. Lol! 😄 Traveling makes us flexible in a way that it teaches us to understand and adjust to differences better, whether it be cultures, languages, attitudes, and whether it is with strangers or with the people we are with.

2. It makes us go fast. When you’re in an unfamiliar place, your brain tends to work double-time, I believe. We are forced to think faster than we’d normally do. We think of which questions to ask locals so we can easily find our destinations. We plan in our heads how to go about our day. We think of how we can make things work for us while we are far from our comfort zones. It relaxes us, and at the same time, exercises our brains.

3. It slows us down. I know it sounds ironic to be saying this because I just said traveling makes us go fast, but hear me out. Traveling slows us down, and not just because it can be tiring. 😝 I think it teaches us to slow down a bit. When we are lost, we sometimes just have to stop for a while, relax and focus our minds, and look around so that we’ll be able to figure out where we are and where we ought to go. Also, touring around can be even more interesting when we get to notice every little thing around us. Sometimes, we just have to take some time to notice. Slow down. :)

4. It teaches us how to budget. And when I say budget, I’m not just referring to money. Traveling teaches us to budget our time as well, and, this might sound funny, but also our luggage space. 😄 It makes us more efficient in so many ways.

We live in a big world, and going on trips for a few days or a week is just not enough to see all there is to see, so we have to manage our very limited time to visit as many attractions as we can, and also manage to do so with our limited budget.

When it comes to our luggages, I think most of us have already had difficulty trying to make everything fit and trying our best not to exceed the weight limit for hand-carry baggage (because, y'know, checking baggages in also costs a lot). This was one thing my companions and I had to stay up late for on our last night. We were planning to wake up early so we can still make the most out of our last day, but we had to stay up late because we had to prepare everything for our departure, and thus, the luggage mayhem.

And lastly,

5. It relaxes us. There are people who don’t get to sleep much during holiday trips (that includes me!). There are just some of us who, no matter how tired we are, just can't sleep when we’re not on our own beds. But surprisingly, this trips really are therapeutic. I’m not really sure how, but even though I lack sleep, I feel more relaxed after the trip. I just feel more peaceful. I feel like I can manage my time better now and not always be in a hurry and be stressed. And yes, I still crave more adventures! I don’t know if it works the same for you, but this is how it is for me. :)

There are things we ought not to think about. I know I sound crazy to you right now, but really, there are.

Most people would say you ought to think before doing or saying anything. After all, what will our brains be for?

But I say that most of the time, our fears come from thinking – from overthinking. We think too much of what would happen if we do certain things. Of course, I agree with that. We always have to think about the consequences of our actions. But sometimes, there are things we think too much about - we fear too much - that it actually hinders us from learning.

I woke up this morning undecided about how I'd spend my day. I was actually picturing myself asleep the whole day, but as it turns out, I can't really do that. I just randomly thought I'd take photos of things around me.

Often, we picture ourselves in pictures.. We picture ourselves in pictures we see online. Those beautiful things we dream about. The lives we dream we live. Nothing's impossible, they say. But first, I think we should look at the things in front of us right now. We need to see the beauty in them and the hope of making them better.

Ooohh.. You’re probably already singing Eminem’s song… But no, I’m not going to tell you about how I clean my closet. That title is just a metaphor.

Times have been tough lately, for me, and for the family as well. Things were lost. Things came up. Things aren’t exactly looking up.

Many things had happened, and I still am not able to settle differences with some people. I tried working things out, but I guess the time was not yet right. For the meantime, I realized, if there’s any possibility for good change, it would be with myself. I can’t fix everything all at once. But maybe I can somehow fix myself - my own life. And then we’ll just deal with our differences once we are settled with our own selves.

Out of all the realizations this tough times have been giving me, one thing kind of stood out: Clearing out all the clutter requires laying all of them out in front of you.

Just like when you organize the contents of your closet, you first have to see all of its contents to see which to keep and which to sell or give away or whatever it is you do with stuff you won’t be using anymore. You have to see all that you have - both the good and the bad - and decide which to keep, which to alter, and which to just give away.

We have to take note of the very first thing we have to do: TO SEE. When it comes to fixing ourselves, we have to see both the good and the bad. We have to accept them as our own. We have to embrace them before we can decide to keep them or get rid of them. After all, who are we to keep something that isn’t ours, right? And more importantly, who are we to get rid of something that isn’t ours?