We do a little sillying

1: I love trans allies with my whole heart, but I kinda feel like on this particular subject, if you are not trans, and have never felt or endured the trans experience, then you don't really get a say in what is or is not good trans representation.

If you don't know what it is like to be transgender, and you have never experienced the things we go through that are unique to the trans experience, then how can you confidently say what is good trans rep?

I do genuinely love and appreciate trans allies who want to stand with us and want us to have good, proper representation in media, but I also think there are some situations where you gotta step back and listen to us.

Jax is good representation because her experience is a very real experience that a lot of trans people go through (minus the accidental, possible murder)

The repression, the fear, the overcompensation, the parental abuse, running away, those are all REAL things that trans people often go through.

Also, I'd like to mention, Jax is literally based off of Gooseworx herself, who is a trans woman. How are you gonna say a trans woman written by a trans woman is bad rep?

2: This man claimed that Jax being trans was "forced and came out of nowhere." This one is just untrue, because a lot of us saw it from dang near the very beginning. There were subtle hints, sure, but also a lot of us could relate to Jax and just were able to see it.

3: This one wasn't just said by the guy writing the post, but I've seen it said by a lot of people. "Jax is bad rep because she's an abusive asshole."

I'm gonna hold y'alls hand when I say this: Not every trans person is a kind little cinnamon roll like you see online or in media.

Some trans people are MASSIVE pricks. Being transgender does not automatically make someone kind or healthy to be around.

This subject is a little more complicated, because Jax is very clearly an asshole, but she was also written to be a sympathetic character because we know why she is the way that she is.

We see that Jax faced a lot of abuse from her parents and was often compared to her father in terms of masculinity. Out of fear and feeling not good enough, she overcompensated and was toxic about it.

We also see Jax's walls slightly break down when Ribbit offers her acceptance, but when Kaufmo knocks on the door, she panics and those walls go right back up. She threatens Ribbit with cutting her off, and then does so anyway, pushing her away and isolating herself.

Then throughout the show, we see Jax picking on all the other girls (and Zooble), likely out of jealousy and/ or that overcompensation of toxic masculinity.

We see WHY Jax is an asshole, and some of us can relate to those reasons and maybe even some of us can relate to her responses, which makes her a sympathetic character. However, she also never once tried to improve, so we can also fully acknowledge that, while sympathetic, Jax is still an asshole and not a good person.

But again, this is one of the trans experiences, and it is a very real experience, even if it's not a good or savory one.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think I am defending Jax's actions (bullying, harrassment, violence, or isolating people), I'm not. Someone who acts like that and never tries to improve themselves isn't really someone who deserves forgiveness.

But we can still acknowledge and understand, even if we don't forgive.

Being transgender is not all sunshine and rainbows. It's not always queer joy or empowerment.

Sometimes being trans is ugly, and it's scary, and that is a very real, very valid experience.

Granted, you still choose how you respond to that fear and that ugliness.

It had been months since Jax's abstraction, since Caine came back, and since they had all learned the truth.

Keeping Jax in the blanket fort had become normal for everyone, and they had slowly gone from viewing him as a monster that needed contained to seeing him more as a patient who needed a little extra care an monitoring. There was some worry that he'd escape the fort, but he had never once even tried to.

In fact, he seemed a little hesitant of getting too close to the entrance anyway, the light keeping him inside.

Most of them visited him occasionally just to tell him about the updates to the circus and to their lives, unsure if he actually could hear or understand them. Caine kept his distance, not wanting to scare Jax or set him off with his presence.

That relationship would take more than just a few months to rebuild, as neither of them were ready to see each other yet.

Pomni hoisted herself up onto the cushions that semi-blocked the entrance and looked inside, where Jax's abstracted form was sleeping, as it's all he seemed to do now.

Sliding in, the soft thud of her feet hitting the pillow floor woke him up, and his dozens of eyes opened, shifting all of their attention to her. It used to frighten her, just a little, but the fact that he seemed so calm and aware was actually a comfort now. It made them all hope he was still in there somewhere.

"Hey, Jax." she greeted, sitting down just a few feet away from him, his eyes following her. It had taken about a month of constant reassurance and repetition for him to let her get this close to him without freaking out, and she was greatful everyday that he let her.

With a big, tired huff, he laid his head back down and shifted to lay on his side, his eyes still partially open and fixed on the jester. Pomni smiled and slid a plate of whatever mystery meat Caine had fixed up over to him. She'd never seen him eat in this state, but whenever they came back to check on him, the food was always gone, so they assumed he'd been eating it somehow.

"I went with Ragatha and Caine on another adventure today. Ragatha made it this time, it was a farm," she let herself lay back, getting settled in, "Caine went along too, I think because he was excited to learn more about the human world and how farms worked. The animals were cute, though I wasn't a fan of all the labor that went into it, so I just left that part to Ragatha.. She seemed to enjoy it."

Pomni turned her head toward Jax, who was still looking at her. It looked like he was listening, though they could never truly be sure. He let out a low groan and rolled onto his back, closing his eyes, probably going back to sleep.

She snorted. "Rude. I was still talking," she grinned a little as he rolled over onto his other side, his back to her. He probably hadn't even meant to, she thought, but sometimes it felt like he was still in there, being his typical self.

Even if they found out it wasn't true, the thought alone was comforting.

-

Jax had been swimming in darkness for months. It had started out terrifying and lonely, but after his brief interaction with Pomni, somehow the darkness seemed to calm around him.

Anymore, he felt exhausted and lethargic, so he found himself sleeping most of the time. Always tired, always.

But it wasn't terrible anymore. Faintly, he could swear sometimes that he could hear people talking to him, reaching out to him. Occasionally he'd turn toward the muffled voices, and he could just barely make out the shakey, dim outlines of figures.

They scared him at first, but days would go by and they never hurt him. They just stood there and talked, and even if he couldn't hear them very well, it became comforting, and he'd wait for their presence.

Just like clockwork, a small shakey figure had shown up, and he opened his eyes to listen to the faint, muffled voice. It soon became background noise, and he'd roll back over, falling asleep to it.

So tired, always.

-

No one was prepared, least of all Jax.

This time, when she woke up, the darkness was different. It wasn't a never ending void, but the dim inside of what looked like Kinger's fort.

She continued to lay there for a while, groggy and trying to process everything as she noticed it. The cushions, the blankets, her own weight settled into the pillows, the light spilling in from the entrance.

As curious as she was, she wasn't ready to get up just yet.. While she felt a little better, she was still so, so tired. Always tired, always.

"Jax..?"

The suddenness the voice made her jump a little, but actually being able to hear it clearly, being able to understand the word almost unsettled her. She wasn't ready, she wasn't... But that had been her name, hadn't it?

She had been in a quiet darkness for so long, she had started to forget herself and question who she really was. But he was 'Jax' wasn't he?

Wasn't she?

She hadn't even realized she was starting to hyperventilate until that voice came back, almost equally as panicked.

"Nononono, you're okay, it's okay- uhh... I'm gonna go get Pomni!" The squeaky voice left, followed by the faint, soft sound of ribbon frantically climbing out of the fort.

She swallowed hard and managed to roll onto her back, covering her face with her hands. It was too much. The light, though very dim, was too bright, and their voices were too loud.

Ragged breaths tore themselves in and out of digital lungs, though she felt like she was suffocating. Her eyes snapped open and she sat up, looking for somewhere even darker to go, until they landed on someone startlingly familiar.

Pomni stared back at her, eyes wide, her hands out like she was trying to calm down a wild animal. "Easy.. It's okay.." Her voice was soft and quiet, trying not to overwhelm the rabbit in front of her.

It had been so long since any of them had seen Jax and not an abstracted figure.

Jax drew her knees in against her chest, her ears folded down almost pathetically. She swallowed again and worked her mouth. "I.. I don't.." What was she even trying to say?

Pomni turned her head back to the door and held up her hand, as if telling someone else to give them some space. Jax hadn't even realized anyone else was there, but as soon as it felt like they were alone, she slumped back against the walls of the fort.

"It's okay," Pomni started, sitting down yet keeping a few feet between them, "We'll take this slow. You're still recovering, it looks like.."

It was quiet for a moment before Jax finally found her voice. "Recovering..?"

"Yeah.. You were out for months, and I think even before you abstracted, you had been burnt out for even longer," she cautiously scooted closer, and when Jax actually met her in the middle, she relaxed and let the bunny lean against her, "You actually spent most of your abstraction just sleeping."

She had, hadn't she? Jax vaguely remembered her time in that dark, lonely place. How anytime she grew tired, she'd just lay down where she was and sleep.

"The look is new," Pomni said, "It's nice."

She frowned a little. "I look different?" She sat up and looked down at herself, noticing her outfit had changed just a little. Still the same reddish overalls, but they came up higher over her chest now, with the addition of a black t-shirt underneath. "Huh. I don't hate it."

"No, I mean.. Hold on." Pomni sat up and cupped her hands together, focusing. When she pulled them apart, a small hand-held mirror was between them.

Jax stared for a moment. "Since when can we do that?"

Pomni looked back at her. "Could you not actually hear us when we updated you on all the changes to the circus?"

She shook her head. "Not really.. If that was you talking to me the whole time, you kinda sounded like you were holding a pillow over your face.."

Pomni didn't respond to that, silently accepting she'd just have to re-explain months worth of changes to Jax. Instead, she just handed the mirror over, and Jax looked at herself.

Her pupils dilated as she stared at herself. A little red bow sat on one ear, a small, fluffy tuft of hair swooped down over her forehead almost resembling bangs, and her eyes had eyeliner this time, reminding her of the maid dress incident.

She didn't hate it, but it was a LOT to process and take in.

"Did.. I do that, or did one of you bastards do this to me in my sleep?" she asked, narrowing her eyes, secretly delighting in how pretty they looked doing that with the liner. She narrowed them again just to watch.

Pomni smiled a little. "I think it was you. No one was able to touch you in your abstraction unless we wanted to glitch out.. You look nice though.."

She did, too. But that didn't really make it much easier. "What will the others think..?" She asked quietly, her eyes never leaving the mirror.

"Well.. There might be a slight adjustment period, but I think we'd all accept you."

Her grip on the mirror tightened as the painful memory of Ribbit flashed through her head. 'Your secret is safe with me..'

It was terrifying, and she wanted so badly to lash out and push it all away again.. But then again, that's what lead to this in the first place. That's what lead to Ribbit's abstraction, and Kaufmo's.. Then her own.

But the idea of embracing it terrified her even more because she didn't know what to do or what that outcome would look like.

"Jax," Pomni started, making Jax snap her eyes open and look down at the jester, "It'll be okay. We all care about you. The others included."

"I was terrible to them." The words left her mouth before she even had time to process them.

"They helped build this fort just for you." Pomni gently squeezed her hand. "The circus has changed a lot since you've been gone.. But if you're not ready to see anyone else yet, that's okay."

Her head was swimming. After all she'd done to them, they still cared for her in her lowest moment. They still helped her and came to see her.

She squeezed Pomni's hand, hard, and was met with hers being squeezed back. "Might as well get it over with.. But.. Can you stay with me..?"

Seeing Jax so scared and vulnerable was not at all something Pomni was used to, but she nodded. "I'll be by your side the whole time."

Pomni got up and helped Jax to her feet, looking up at her to make sure this was something she still wanted. When the rabbit nodded back, they made their way slowly to the exit.

Jax's grip on Pomni's hand surely would have broken bones if they were in the real world, but she didn't seem to mind.