Perpetual Motion

somebody told me recently that i should find someone who can see my worth

but what is my worth? i don't even know anymore..

i want someone to be angry with me. i want someone to be mad at me, to scream at me and curse me and condemn me.

i’m sick of hearing “it’s fine”, or “don’t worry about it”, or “no problem”. the more i hear these phrases, the more it makes me feel unimportant. worthless, useless. like i don’t even matter enough for them to be angry about with what i did.

i want someone to tell me that i’ve hurt them. that what i did affected them in some way or form. that they are pissed at me, annoyed at me, sick of me. i want to apologize, and i want to work hard to earn their forgiveness.

free from the painful thorn piercing through my chest. free from anger, sadness, bitterness, regret.

i wanna be free

free from the persuasive voice inside me that whispers how pathetic i am. how weak, and fragile. how useless.

i wanna be free

free from the neverending pit of despair and loneliness. free from my own disappointments, my failures and mistakes.

i am shackled. i am chained. i take a step away, and the iron cuffs twist on my ankles and my wrist. i feel the metal brace on my neck, it loosens and it tightens, giving me hope, and then taking them all away.

i look down and i see my own reflection through the pool of blood that settled down my feet. i am worthless, pitiful and unloveable. in my eyes, i see nothing but hatred. hatred for myself, and to who i have become. 

i hate what i feel, and i feel what i hate.

i wanna be free. free from my own mind. free from all the lies that i can’t help but believe. free from the illusion that takes control of my sense and perception.

i wanna be free.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.