#ztq

But most of all, alhamdulillah for faith. For belief. For conviction. For purpose.  

So many instances, so much that reminds me that simply by knowing the majesty of Allah, knowing that He knows me, I have all I will ever need, and more. 

Oh Turner of Hearts, make our hearts firm upon Your religion. May we ever keep believing, striving, achieving with sincere hearts, with purity, with deep love of You, oh Allah. 

Work on yourself, work on being a better you, work on your heart and your soul, have faith, and Allah will take care of the rest. 

He will take care of you like you never deemed possible. He will provide for you from places and sources you never deemed possible.

It is entirely my own fault, my lack of khushu’, and just being real, my own heedlessness at times. But I still pray. Even when I feel the lack of sweetness, I pray. Because I want to taste that sweetness. Because those times when I finally do taste the sweetness, it is unlike anything else in this world. 

For me, the sweetness is like a breeze of relief, a sort of tranquility that I feel through all my senses, mind, body, soul. It is me speaking to Allah with zero barriers between us. The sweetness is linked to remembrance and realization, that I am a soul Allah deems worthy enough to have been given the honor of worshipping Him. And I sometimes forget this, in my heedlessness, in the times when my faith isn’t at its best. 

These prayers, these obligations, they are for us. For our own sense of reality. For our own relationship with Allah. 

Call me stupid, call me clueless, but I don’t understand games of manipulation. And people seem to be living for these games. They live for drama.

As I grow older, I see the different sides of people, the double faces, how they’re sweet one second, but then twist and turn and smash and burn the next second. It’s an art. To be able to manipulate people and situations to their advantage every time, to act innocent, to create such a well thought out facade, deceiving and leaving people like me to wither away in the crossfire. Because I am not like them. But I am expected to be like them, to manipulate and to be as cunning as them. And sometimes, I think it would probably be easy to drop to their level, to be like them. To let pride and self absorption be the force that drives me. 

But it would feel wrong, wholly and completely wrong. 

And therefore I am trying to learn to be wise, not deceptive, not cunning, but wise. These situations require a certain wisdom. I don’t want to be walked upon, but I definitely don’t want to drop to their level and walk upon others as they do. I don’t want to be of those who make the lives of others more difficult out of selfishness and a basic lack of consideration. People may lie and cheat and manipulate and move up in the world, but they have no gains where it really matters. Alhamdulillah for knowing what really matters. And I pray Allah keeps me knowing what really matters. If not being like those people means being clueless to these tactics and games, then I’ll take being clueless. I’ll take losing these petty battles in this world, as long as I don’t lose sight of what is important: empathy, kindness, basic human goodness. 

The other day, I walked into the prayer room with the intention of praying Dhuhr, and gave salam to a girl who was already in the room. I wouldn’t really call us friends per say, but I guess we were acquaintances, had a class together two years back, and occasionally ran into one another. 

I mean, this is probably weird idk, but I myself consider everyone my friend in a sense lol, like I try to meet and treat strangers and acquaintances and friends with the same heart and soul. I’ve just always been this way! And sometimes, it has worked in my favor, other times it has not, but it is a part of my personality, just another one of my quirks I guess :)

Anyways, back to the story, so she stops me even before I can take my shoes off and says she’s been meaning to talk to me. I had always gotten a sense of wariness and dislike from her, like she wanted to tolerate me, but just couldn’t get herself to do so. I never put too much thought into it, and did my best not to let it bother me or impact my own views and treatment towards her. And man, what a mercy from Allah this was. What a complete and utter mercy from Allah this is. Because the words that she next spoke shook me to my core.

She shared with me that for much of her life, she harbored a deep dislike, a hatred, for Muslims, despite being a Muslim herself. And then, that hatred began to be directed mostly towards Muslims who were visibly practicing and identifiable, and not hijabis, but niqabis. And then that hatred was directed towards me. Then she shared her honest to God judgements and I can’t get myself to write them because there were a lot and they actually really, really hurt tbh lol. But I kept quiet, let her finish, and again, I am so glad Allah gave me the foresight to do so. 

Because after stating all the judgements, all the reasons why she harbored hatred for niqabis, and why she had specifically began directing that hatred and anger towards me for the last two years, she apologized. 

She said she realized that maybe the problem wasn’t with me, but that the problem was with her, and her inability to accept that she is not the ultimate decider of what is right and what is wrong. That what she deems to be acceptable and normal, may not be what another deems to be acceptable and normal. She said she would not have come to this conclusion had she not met me. She said my bubbly attitude towards her, despite everything, made her question everything. She couldn’t understand why, after getting to know me, and having me open myself up to her despite her obvious reservations, she viewed me as something evil and worthy of hatred. 

She said I’m one of the kindest and sweetest people she has ever met, and that she feels guilty for it all. She began to cry, and she asked me to forgive her. Mind you, I was bawling at this point too lol. She asked me if we could start over, and if we could be friends. She said she would like that very much. That she was no longer embarrassed to be seen with me in public, and that even if she was, she wanted to get over it. Because this was not a reason to not be friends with someone. 

I told her, heck yeah, we’re friends, and we lived happily ever after! 

LOL but for real, all this shows the true strength of this individual. Because she humbled herself, and she did not have to. She shared dark parts of herself with me, things that were not at all easy to share with me, I’m sure. She apologized to me. She placed her dignity wide open before me, and she did not have to do any of this. I hold no negativity within me towards her, truly. She is my sister in Islam, and my friend, and I am so grateful Allah made for us a way, to reconcile in this life, to break away from negativity of all sorts. :’)

Truly, Allah is the changer of hearts, and Allah is the reconciler of hearts.

I know there are Muslims who abhor the niqab, trust me lol, been there, seen this, heard that. I don’t wear the niqab for any reason other than in obedience to my Creator. So who cares what people think? Even still, it’s instances like these that make everything worth it. It’s instances like these that give me hope. Its instances like these that humble me, that show me that I am nothing without my Rabb, and that He is my protector in every way, that my reputation and worth lies solely and completely with Him. I will never be ashamed of my obedience to Him, and I will never let anyone else shame me for my obedience to Him. 

I wondered how differently this all could have turned out had Allah not utilized me in a beautiful way. Had Allah not given me the patience and the ability to be friendly and kind towards her all this time, for years, despite knowing this person did necessarily value me. 

The little things matter so much y’all. Our daily interactions, our patience, our character, our dealings with one another. They are so powerful. They are the true harbingers of change, of healing, and of goodness at every level. And it may be a gradual change, a gradual healing, but that is still yet amazing and incredible and necessary.

There is nothing more I can say except,

Whatever has hurt you, scarred you, broken you. 

Allah can heal you again. Allah can bring you peace again.