there’s something so relieving about knowing i can die whenever i want to now

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there’s something so relieving about knowing i can die whenever i want to now

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thinking abt asking someone to hang out soon but idfk
i don’t have anything to lose so idc about getting rejected or smth im more anxious about if she says yes 💔 my mom makes it so hard to hang out with people and i look like such a loser trying to plan shit
(can’t hang out on weekends or fridays, can’t go to someone’s house til we’ve hung out at least once, can’t leave our town, and i struggle walking so going downtown is hard. and im broke and my parents don’t wanna pay for shit)
gonna get a snack then slepe because i’m lonely
i can’t even text people when i’m like this because it always leads to me spam texting or venting and no.
when i’m spiraling on the verge of kms and i can’t decide if i want to call someone in the middle of the night while im sobbing my eyes out or if i just want to go through with it
i don’t think helplines even do shit tbh
never talked to one but like wtf would they even do

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nightly hobbies consist of cutting myself and taking pictures of it
hashtag feeling suicidal and i now have the blades i just need to get the screwdrivers apart then i can slit my wrists 🖤🖤🖤
something that often makes me believe life is a simulation that
i know someone from a teen group i used to go to and he is EXACTLY the fucking person i wanna be. like the way he looks and his entire life and the way he acts is so badly how i want to be and its how i wanted to be even before i met him so its not like i saw him and got like jealous it’s like he is my vision board manifested into life yk?? i dont think that makes sense