#zoisa

Dancing around assigning gender to the person, never asking, and then the glee and jubilation over knowing that that person was likely dead before the joining (or… somehow is one of the other 11 immune. But that’s highly unlikely). It rubbed me the wrong way.

When Carol is asking this… Zosia seems …. Uncomfortable? Like how they get when they omit information that will hurt/upset Carol. My knee jerk assumption was that Carol was finally going to ask if Zosia had been into women. And it felt like maybe that was the Joined’s guess, as well. Wouldn’t Zoisa have said more, if her loved one had been a woman?

As a lesbian in her mid 30’s…. this was a gut punch. I can see why Carol didn’t ask Zosia, from a lot of different angles. However, as someone who grew up and spent a good amount of adulthood being accused of being predatory simply by existing… this made my stomach drop. Somersault. One of my biggest anxieties has been people assuming I’m a creep, or predatory. Since those first days in Junior High when I was first starting to feel myself, and being incredibly self conscious in the locker room. Not wanting to corrupt any of the other girls. Not wanting them to discover my bad thing inside of me. Hell… I even felt it when I started my new job here in the small town I just moved back to.

For the record, I’m not saying Carol handled it incorrectly. And I’m not accusing her of anything. She’s not perfect. But… oh my god. That would have been one of the first things I asked, I think.but maybe I wouldn’t? Maybe I’d be so selfish, too and want to hold on so tightly to any crumb of affection that I’d play pretend it was all okay and I wasn’t possibly hurting someone. I get her maybe not wanting to shatter the illusion right away, too. Grieving as she was, and touch starved. Any kind of contact starved.

And yeah… what I assumed was giddiness at real Zosia’s loved one being dead … oh man. Zosia the individual may still be “in there”. Show some tact, Carol! lol