#zip toad

So the party, once again, falls out of the cloud of Ted, the Storm God, the location to which Kandace’s teleportation circle goes. Before anything else happens, Princess Opal, uh, has some business to attend to in the Magic Kingdom what with the alien invasion that was happening, so she leaves right away and I totally didn’t forget that she came through the portal with them for the entire session and this isn’t a retcon shut up.

So they see the unconscious body of Waluigi lying there, and pretty much ignore that, because who cares about that. What they take notice of is Ted the Storm God, who seems pretty dejected for some reason.

Apparently, Ted is feeling left out, because Kam Ekademy and Kammy Koopa’s Academy for Young Witches and Wizards have, y’know, gone to war in the secret tunnel system connecting the schools underground, but the other students at Kam Ekademy thought he’d just be a liability and wouldn’t let him come. (Kandace is briefly shocked, not by the war, but by how there were secret tunnels underneath the school and no one told her.)

As they’re debating getting involved, Chevy does what she does best whenever anyone proposes getting involved in anything, and just sort of rolls away. Off the roof of the castle. And crashes through a ceiling.

She falls into a classroom somewhere in Kam Ekademy, and notices the door leading out has a can of green paint precariously balanced on top, waiting to spill on whoever opens it. It was probably meant to fall on someone coming in from the outside, but since she took an... alternative entrance, the trap isn’t much to worry about. She knocks it down and proceeds outside.

...Where the hallway appears to be filled with swinging blade traps except instead of blades it’s big versions of those toy sticky hands.

She barely manages to dodge, when from behind her, the result of a failed spot check she made earlier begins to berate her. Iggy Koopa, who was lurking in wait in the classroom to ambush his would-be victim, is super upset that she ruined his ambush, and begins to attack! He also sounds the alarm, and more Koopalings come running.

Chevy attempts to escape, but here’s the thing: Chevy successfully escaping would be at odds with anything actually happening. Her driving motivation is to get out of all this nonsense and just go home, and splitting the party is no fun. So... this isn’t going to go her way. But in what way is it not going to go her way? That depends on what the rest of the party decides to do.

Let’s go check in on them.

Back up on the roof, another Lakitu arrives, having spotted them on the roof of Kam Ekademy from a distance with his camera. He tells them that shooting is going to start soon on Zip Toad’s new movie, the one Cozmo was hired to act in. So, Kandace and Cozmo have a choice to make: they can go investigate this underground magic war and be late for shooting, or they can go shoot a movie and let this underground magic war sort itself out.

Obviously they go for the movie. They get Ted’s phone number and promise to help him get involved in magic war later, and then they’re off- Kandace ferrying Cozmo on her broom.

So, that choice made, we can resolve what happens when Chevy tries to escape. What happens is that Larry, Lemmy, and Iggy all combine their magic to create a giant explosion, which blasts Chevy into the sky- directly in the direction of the party, as luck/contrivance would have it! 

So Chevy gracefully lands on the broom, and the three of them-

-wait, no, that doesn’t happen. Chevy is a chain chomp who’s just been launched by an explosion. She’s basically a cannonball right now, and this is really not what anyone wants to have flying directly at them while balanced on a broom.

So Kandace tries to fire off her spell, the one she’s used before that makes things all puffy and lightweight, so Chevy’s bulk is reduced and they can catch her out of the air. She, uh, whiffs. So Chevy hits them and knocks them off the broom. But all is not yet lost! Chevy rolls to try to chomp onto the broom in a last-ditch effort to grab hold, and rolls a 6! So she chomps down extremely hard on the broom. Which, uh, almost breaks it in half, like you might expect. The broom is pretty badly damaged, now, and that in combination with Chevy’s additional weight, and the weight of her two compatriots who managed to grab onto her chain, means that the broom is now slowly sinking to the ground.

...Sorry, did I say ground? Let’s double-check something. They started at Kam Ekademy, they’re about halfway to the shooting location, and the shooting location is World 8-1, The Part That’s Supposed To Stop Mario But Doesn’t- a twisty bridge over lava leading to Bowser’s Castle. Let me take a look at the map...

Okay, yes, the broom is now slowly sinking to the lava. That’s a more accurate way to put it.

Thankfully, they’re not alone- there’s the Lakitu cameraman there with them! Now, he’s got his fishing line, which he could use to haul them up and slow their descent enough to glide to safety up on the bridge, but... well, it’s got a big expensive film camera attached. Someone’s going to need to hold onto the camera and hold on to Chevy’s chain while dangling over lava, which sounds difficult. Plus, the natural Approach to use for such a feat would be Careful, a stat which neither Kandace nor Cozmo (the only party members with hands) have in abundance. In fact, I think it might literally be 0 for both of them. ...Yep. 

So this would likely end in disaster, except that they have an advantage: the GM is weak to puns.

Cozmo, see, has a very high Flashy stat. And the object in question is a camera.

So he rolls Flashy, he does well, he doesn’t drop the camera into the lava, and they actually make it to the set for Zip Toad’s new movie! And, given that I didn’t exactly plan this option out in detail (my pages of notes for the underground magic war will need to be adapted), I let them decide how this movie was going to go. 

The basic outline: it's a fast and furious type racing movie. Cozmo is the gruff and stuck-up career street racer, while Zip Toad is the fresh-faced rookie trying to prove himself. But when a giant chain chomp (played by some toads in a papier-mache prop) starts chewing up the other racers, they have to work together to put it down and save street racing! 

Everything else? Up to them.

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The racetrack. Under the ash-choked skies of the Lava Kingdom, the Outrageous Racing League carries on their sacred mission: to totally shred. Blargg’s Oven, the most dangerous course in the league, is the site of the Outrageous Championship- and there’s only one man intense enough to take home the cup.

Racer X, the mysterious masked daredevil on his tricked-out ebon dirtbike, refuses to lose. It seems as though he’s falling behind- but then, with a burst of speed, he zooms forward and bumps another racer off the edge of track into the burning abyss below. Surely that was an accident, right? Where’s the ref to make the call?

Ref? What ref?! This is the Outrageous Championship! Racer X smashes three more racers off the edge to their fiery dooms. He’s going to win... at any cost.

This scene reflects off the cool shades of another racer. An extreme closeup of his determined expression fills the screen. 

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Kandace is wearing a lot of hats today- she’s part of the crew running special effects, using her magic, but she’s also got a brief speaking role. And now, she’s filling in for the safety crew, as one of the Stunt Guys plunges towards the lava and the Lakitu trying to catch them fumbles their rod. She telekinetically saves the stunt biker, and now has a little blackmail on that Lakitu. No one has to know they messed up, right?

...Also, there’s the sound of an explosion from over by the schools in the distance. It’s, um, probably fine.

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It’s after the qualifying race, and finally, our hero is here. Ace McQueen Junior Jr. (don’t blame me, I let them name the characters) is sussing out this Racer X. He starts by trying flattery, asking how X pulled those cool stunts- and then smoothly transitions into questioning. He didn’t mean to knock those racers to their deaths, right? 

“Tch.”

X claims he didn’t even notice he bumped anyone. They’re just that far beneath him- he isn’t about to take stock of each and every greenhorn he spots when his eyes are on the prize. Pure focus.

We see Ace McQueen Junior Jr.’s eyes narrow behind his shades. Racer X is a liar, and he’s clearly more than willing to fight dirty to win. He tosses off a cool one-liner and heads off to prepare for the next race.

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Filming is interrupted by a sound from the direction of the school. This time, it’s not an explosion- it’s the sound of music. Kandace, actually, recognizes the tune, though not its full significance. She remembers one of her teachers, Professor Wizzerd, humming a few bars of it while teaching one of the basic spells in a Magikoopa’s arsenal. The spell in question was the Invocation of So’nee- a useful cantrip that calls on the power of the ancient sealed horror So’nee, a being anathema to this world. The Invocation of So’nee fires a magical structure shaped like So’nee’s unholy symbols (the Cross, the Halo, the Plane, and the Mountain, shaped like an X, O, ◻, and ◁), which serve as a base for all manner of other magical effects that can be stacked on top of it.

Why a song invoking So’nee is coming from the direction of the schools... is unknown. And probably fine! They have a movie to shoot!

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An indistinct shape beneath bandages lies on a bed in the infirmary. This poor soul is being treated for his horrible burn wounds, and we see a crying figure leave the room.

Racer X is suddenly slapped across the face- a koopa in a pit crew outfit has struck him. It’s confusing- he’s not racing right now, there’s no prize to win. What idiot would waste their chance to strike outside of battle? She’s crying, she’s telling him that her brother will never recover, never walk again, and how could he be so horrible?

He blows her off. Who cares if he destroyed her brother’s life? He was in the way of Racer X- and anyone who does the same will suffer the same fate. He stalks away, unconcerned. She’s not one of his opponents.

The camera pans over and around a corner. Ace McQueen Junior Jr. heard everything.

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Chevy, meanwhile, is waiting down by the trailers, at the base of the bridge supports out of sight of the cameras. She’s waiting for this to be over- since no one’s actually gotten injured yet, thanks to Kandace’s quick thinking, this impromptu set medic gig has been pretty boring. There’s a brief earthquake from the direction of the schools, but that’s probably fine.

Then someone in a nearby trailer starts demanding things from her, like she’s some kind of errand boy. He wants three full buckets of garlic, and he wants them NOW!

Chevy doesn’t care. Chevy ignores him. He won’t be ignored, and escalates his verbal abuse. Chevy responds by bodily ramming into and knocking over his stupid trailer.

The man who, furious, climbs out of the trailer... is a short, heavyset fellow with a big pink nose and motorcycle gear, who- holy cow, picks up and swings the entire trailer at her and knocks her into the lava. Chevy is, however, made of metal, so it’ll take at least ten minutes in the lava before she begins to melt. She swims back to shore, uncomfortably hot and glowing red for her trouble. She keeps her distance from the freaky-strong trailer man.

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It’s the semifinals, and Ace McQueen Junior Jr. and Racer X are neck-and-neck. It’s almost a dead heat- and then Racer X makes his move. We zoom in on his handlebars, and we see his wheels kick up dirt as he veers sharply to the side. They’re approaching a dangerously thin stretch of track, and as they do so, Racer X closes in, meaning to ram Ace McQueen Junior Jr. off the edge.

And then Ace McQueen Junior Jr. does, to Racer X, the unthinkable: he slams on the brakes. He slows down, on purpose- an impossible maneuver which leads to Racer X throwing himself off the edge of the course.

Just as he goes over the edge, we see one impeccably-manicured hand shoot over the edge and grab Racer X’s glove, saving his life. But not so for his chances of winning- the ebon dirtbike calls into the lava and melts, in a visual callback to the first Metal Mario movie. It’s unclear how they’re going to edit in the bike giving a thumbs-up in post.

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Then there is a sound. The inhuman, robotic singing voice in the distance halts, and a deep, magically amplified voice bellows “HATSU, HATSU, HATSU”. Dead silence falls- the rumbling is over, the music is over, the probably-apocalyptic situation has been probably-resolved. Or something,

Finally, it’s time to film the big climax. The giant chain chomp needs to show up- and first, the producer- well, the "production assistant", but the real producer, as opposed to Zip Toad who just puts his name on everything, Mauve the Goomba- begs Chevy to be in the film, because the papier-mache chomp looks terrible and she really wants this to be a hit. Chevy agrees (taking her Rich up to 5), on the condition that they add a scene showing that the monster chomp used to be a normal person. She films a brief scene in the FX trailer, where the unnamed chomp scientist (breaking stereotypes!) suffers a lab accident with radioactive chemicals or something, with some camera trickery to imply that as she falls unconscious, she is beginning to grow. Soon, there’ll be a giant rampaging dog-beast destroying everything (un-breaking stereotypes! whew, close one.)

There's a problem, though: the prop chomp had a special compartment for actors who were "eaten" to hide in, but no such compartment exists inside a real one. Enter Kandace with an idea: hey, she can teleport people, right? So she scribes a teleport circle on Chevy's tongue, and then Chevy eats a Mega Mushroom, growing her and the circle such that the devoured stunt guys are harmlessly teleported away when she eats them alive.

Problem, though: wouldn't that alarm Ted? So they call him up, promising to explain why this random-crap-portal stuff has been happening to him. Kandace lies through her teeth, claiming that it's just stuff that this giant chain chomp eats getting teleported to his digestive system and coming out his mouth, because of magic stomach stuff. He's like, what? It doesn't come out my mouth, it comes out my cloud. And she explains, no, it's your magic digestive system, y'know. Ted is not smart- he has a clever of -1, actually- but it’s not a very good lie, so it’s not hard. Maybe he'll get a good roll!

He believes this harder than anyone has ever believed any lie, ever.

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“We need to stop this thing! If we don’t...!”

“...Illegal street racing... could be done for!”

Ace McQueen Junior Jr. and Racer X, both on standard-issue bikes, are speeding down the hill as the giant monster chain chomp pursues them. Teeth snap at their back tires, and they just barely manage to keep ahead. But as they flee, they see a gap in the course, where the giant chomp previously emerged from the lava.

“...Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I don’t think. I do.”

Ace McQueen Junior Jr. and Racer X speed towards the gap at high speed, then fork in two different directions, going straight up a couple of natural ramps and backflipping into the sky. They come down on top of the giant chain chomp- and now, as it rolls onward, large enough to clear the gap, they’re right on top. Their engines rev as they match pace with the chomp’s rotation, keeping their balance on the monster’s head.

“...X, watch out!”

The chomp’s mouth is coming around as it rolls, and they need to jump it! They pull it off once, but the second time Racer X seems to stumble, his bike slipping and flying off the side. He gets snagged on a tooth, cutting his arm open a bit, but Ace McQueen Junior Jr. reaches down a hand and pulls him up. This was definitely in the script, and not the actor messing up. Luckily, good camerawork captures this inspiring moment.

Racer X gets on  Ace McQueen Junior Jr.‘s bike, and the two of them work together to do one last sick stunt! They fly up into the air, there’s an inspiring slow-mo closeup, and then... the camera spins and wheels around, obscuring exactly what it is that just happened that led to their stunt causing the chain chomp to go flying into the lava. But it happens! And it’s incredibly rad!

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Now for a problem: when Chevy does her stunt fall into the lava, she, oops, gets a bunch of lava in her mouth. And into the portal in her mouth. So that a bunch of lava sprays out of the portal. 

Ted subsequently proclaims himself the Volcano God and nearly incinerates some Stunt Guys, until Chevy spits out the lava and ends his fun. Booooo. With that, and some medical attention for the Guys, the movie is over!

...so, anyway, I’m about to spring a moderately apocalyptic situation on everyone, when I realize: Kandace still has the Music Key taken from the Orbital Doom Casa. She never handed it in to Kammy Koopa. So... as was the case prior to the filming of this movie, Kammy Koopa does not possess all four Music Keys. And so... nothing bad happens. Yet.

So after they wrap filming, Chevy pays to fix Kandace's broom out of her stunt wages, and then they're off to the school war to investigate the aftermath. (Cozmo’s going to have to miss the afterparty, sorry.)

Next time: something big happened while Chain Chomp Run was being filmed, and now it’s time to figure out what it was and what to do about it.