#ziggees journal

I'M' FeelinG VerY TireD. MorE TireD ThaN I UsuallY FeeL...

In fact, I'm too tired to even bother with my quirk right now. My eyes are sore and no matter how hard I try to sleep, I just can't. I can't even seem to focus enough on keeping my eyes shut. I've just been staring up at the ceiling for the past few hours. I wonder if I even blinked once during that time.

So, in an attempt to distract my mind from its thoughts, I've decided to update my journal. Currently Lairen is asleep and I don't feel as if I have enough drive to work on any mech designs. I'm too tired to even go for a swim. My mind just keeps flashing back to a few nights ago.

My custodian hadn't returned to greet me when the sun had set, which was very odd. I sat outside waiting but after some time I decided I needed to search for him. It isn't odd for him to get injured somehow while he's out swimming, so I figured perhaps he had gotten stuck on something. It wasn't very long before I did finally come across him by the river.

It looked like... like someone had just torn through his neck. He was covered in blood. I don't like remembering and I don't like imagining what could have possibly caused this or what fear my lusus must have been feeling at the moment but... I can't stop! My mind won't stop imagining all of the possible scenarios! It's torturous, this mind of mine. I want it to stop, I just want, for once, to be able to not think about anything. I want my mind to be silent but it just never is. And that's why I'm having such a hard time trying to sleep. No matter how exhausted I get, no matter how much I tire myself out, my mind seems to have no limit. I can't rest until my body simply collapses. It's so difficult for me to cope with. I'm so unsure of what to do.

At least I have Lairen here with me. He and I are moirails now, and it's the one positive thing to come out of this entire endeavor. I can't remember how long ago it was when I realized I felt such a protectiveness for him, but I do know it's been a very long time. I would have never realized he felt the same. Or perhaps, it was just spontaneous due to the events as of late. Either way, it's a huge relief to know I have him as my moirail. He's always been able to bring out the best in me and to help ease my anxiety greatly. I hope that our moiraillegiance lasts, although I can't really foresee any situations that might cause us to separate.

Well... I guess those are pretty much the most important things that have occurred in the last few nights. I don't really want to go into anymore detail on my custodian...

JusT A SmalL EntrY TonighT.

ApparentlY ThE EmpresS HaS LefT ThE PlaneT WitH ThE MajoritY OF HeR ArmY AnD ChaoS HaS SpreaD AcrosS AlterniA. RiotS HavE StarteD BecausE OF AN UnknowN DiseasE CausinG PaniC, AnD ThE FrictioN BetweeN BloodcasteS HaS IncreaseD.

ThaT WoulD ExplaiN PossiblY WhY ThaT VioletblooD FroM BeforE HaD BeeN CallinG FoR HelP. I'M' GuessinG It'S' PossiblE ThaT A GrouP OF LowbloodS AmbusheD HeR. BuT, ThaT StilL Doesn'T' ExplaiN HoW... EateN, HeR CorpsE WaS. It'S' ThE OnlY ThinG I Can'T' FigurE OuT. NO MatteR HoW MucH I ThinK, I KeeP CominG TO ThE SamE ConclusioN OF A CannibalistiC TrolL.

WelL, SeconD EntrY. SomE PrettY WeirD StufF HappeneD TodaY. IT HaS BotH LaireN AnD I FeelinG A BiT ON EdgE, BuT FoR OncE, I ThinK It'S' ActuallY GettinG TO HiM MorE ThaN IT IS ME. I Don'T' ThinK He'S' WillinG TO AccepT YeT JusT HoW BaD MosT TrollS CaN BE. IT WorrieS ME SometimeS JusT HoW TrustinG HE AutomaticallY BecomeS TO OtherS.

TherE WaS A ReallY NastY SmelL CominG FroM SomewherE NeaR MY LawnrinG TodaY. PooR LaireN, He'S' GoT SucH A StronG NosE, HE NearlY DoubleD OveR AT ThE StencH. WheN HE WaS DonE DrY HeavinG I TolD HiM I WanteD TO GO ChecK OuT WhaT IT WaS CausinG SucH A SmelL. HE GavE ME A LooK AnD AskeD WhY AnD AT ThE QuestioN I ActuallY StooD TherE FoR A MomenT TO ThinK.

WhY DiD I WanT TO FinD ThE SourcE?

I Couldn'T' FigurE IT OuT MyselF ReallY, SO I JusT SaiD I FelT ThE NeeD TO. I HonestlY DID. IT WaS A WeirD SuddeN NeeD JusT TO KnoW WhaT IT WaS.

WhaT WE DiscovereD WaS NoT PleasanT BuT IN AlL HonestY IT Wasn'T' SomethinG UnusuaL TO ReallY FinD (WelL, MaybE IN ThiS AreA It'S' UnusuaL BuT StilL). WE FounD ThE BodY OF ThaT HighblooD ThaT I SpokE OF IN MY LasT EntrY. IT Didn'T' SeeM LikE AnythinG OtheR ThaN SomE NormaL MurdeR, PerhapS RevengE FueleD, WhO KnowS? BuT UpoN CloseR InspectioN, I RealizeD ThaT IT WaS NoT AN OrdinarY KillinG.

BotH HeR HornS SeemeD TO HavE FalleN RighT OfF OF HeR HeaD, WithouT AnY ForcE. JusT. FelL OfF. HeR BodY AlsO LookeD FaR WorsE ThaN IT ShoulD HavE IF ShE HaD OnlY RecentlY DieD. ThE BlooD ConsistancY WaS AlL WronG, HeR SkiN WaS TerriblY BruiseD UP AnD ShE WaS TorN OpeN AnD EateN FroM. I ThoughT AT FirsT MaybE SomE Lusii GoT TO HeR BodY, BuT WheN I LookeD CloseR, I FounD ShE HaD SeveraL BiteS AlL OveR HeR (FroM TrolL TeetH, NoT FaunA) AnD ThE PlaceS WherE She'D' BeeN TorN OpeN Weren'T' IN AnY PatterN I'D' EveR SeeN A Lusii MakE. I ThoughT ON ThiS FoR A WhilE TheN CamE TO ThE ChillinG PossibilitY ThaT MaybE IT Wasn'T' SomE UnknowN FaunA BuT InsteaD, AnotheR TrolL HaD MadE A MeaL OF HeR.

It'S' OnlY A TheorY RighT NoW, BuT It'S' AlsO ThE ClosesT PossibilitY I CaN ThinK OF SO FaR, AnD I'v'E BeeN ThinkinG OveR ThiS SincE WE ArriveD BacK TO MY HivE.

OH, I JusT HearD SomethinG ON ThE TV. I'M' WatchinG ThE NewS JusT TO SeE IF TherE IS AnythinG PertaininG TO AnY UnusuaL TrolL BehavioR AS OF RecentlY ThaT MighT ExplaiN TodayS DiscoverY. OH MaN, ThiS IS ImportanT.

I UmM... I'M' NoT ReallY SurE HoW ThesE JournalS WorK ReallY. I'M' OnlY AssuminG ThaT It'S' SimilaR TO ThE TypeS OF SketcH BookS WherE I PlaN OuT MY MecH DesignS, SO I'l'L OnlY BE WritinG NeW EntrieS AS NeW ThingS HappeN. I HonestlY Wouldn'T' SeE ThE PoinT IN WritinG EntrieS WheN NothinG NeW HaS OccurreD.

LaireN TolD ME ThaT HE StarteD HiS OwN JournaL SO I DecideD ThaT, AfteR ThE EvenT ThaT HappeneD A FeW NightS AgO, I ShoulD ProbablY KeeP A JournaL OF MY OwN TO WritE DowN MY ThoughtS IN CasE I MaY NeeD TheM FoR FuturE ReferencE. WhO KnowS, ThiS MaY ComE IN HandY OnE NighT.

SO, A CouplE OF NightS AgO, WhilE LaireN AnD I WerE WatchinG A BiT OF TV, WE HearD A ScreaM OutsidE MY HivE. IT WaS SO SuddeN AnD PaineD ThaT IT HaD MY ThoughtS GoinG IN EverY DirectioN. I ThoughT AT FirsT MaybE A LusuS HaD GotteN A HolD OF SomE TrolL PassinG BY (QuitE A RarE ThinG TO HappeN ThougH. TherE Aren'T' AnY OtherS ThaT I KnoW OF ThaT LivE AnywherE NeaR MY LawnrinG.) BuT TheN I ThoughT OF SomethinG WorsE, AnD SooN MY ThoughtS HaD GonE TO ThinkinG ThaT TherE WaS A GrouP OF TrollS AttackinG NearbY AnD ThaT HaD ME GreatlY ON EdgE.

LaireN WenT TO InvestigatE AnD WheN HE ReturneD HE JusT GavE ME AN AnnoyeD LooK AnD SaiD ThaT IT WaS A VioletblooD WhO LookeD LikE They'D' GotteN PrettY BeateN. OF CoursE, I WaS AbouT TO RuN OuT AnD HelP TheM, PatcH TheM UP AnD AlL, BuT LaireN StoppeD ME.

I KnoW HE HateS SeadwellerS AnD AlL AnD HE HaS A PerfectlY ValiD ReasoN TO BE SO TerrifieD OF TheM, BuT I Don'T' ThinK HE RealizeS ThaT I ActuallY Don'T HolD AnY HatreD FoR AnY BlooD ColoR OR TypE OF TrolL. SurE I'M'... NoT VerY TrustinG OF AnY OtheR BlooD ColoR AnD OnlY JusT SightlY ComfortablE ArounD MY OwN, BuT ThaT Doesn'T MeaN I WoulD JusT LeT SomeonE SuffeR IF I CoulD HelP.

BuT, I ListeneD TO HiM AnD StayeD InsidE BuT.... ShE StarteD KnockinG ON ThE DooR AnD BegginG FoR HelP! AnD ShE WaS CryinG SO MucH AnD ShE WaS JusT IN SO MucH PaiN..... OH GoD. I Can'T' HandlE RememberinG IT BuT I JusT Can'T' GeT IT OuT OF MY MinD... AnD ThaT ScreaM! OH GoD, ThaT ScreaM BeforE ShE LefT...

It'S' BeeN TroublinG MY MinD NoN StoP FoR ThE LasT FeW NightS. I Haven'T' SlepT AT AlL, AnD AlthougH That'S' UsuaL, I WisH I CoulD SleeP TO JusT GeT A LittlE PeacE FroM MY MinD. I Can'T' StanD ThesE ThoughtS. ThoughtS AbouT, "WhaT IF I HaD HelpeD HeR? WhaT IF I HaD BeeN ThE OnE TO ChecK OutsidE InsteaD OF LaireN? WhaT WoulD HavE HappeneD IF...." SO ManY MorE. AnD EndlesS AmounT OF DifferenT PossibilitieS and AlternatE SituationS ThaT HolD AN EquaL AmounT OF EndlesS OutcomeS.

I JusT Can'T' HandlE IT. It'S' ToO MucH, I JusT--