-Gonna talk about my depression for a hot second, I guess?
I’ve been really frustrated at myself lately; been stuck in a bad low. And I think I’m the kind of person who likes analyzing problems and figuring out different ways to approach a problem--I don’t think I necessarily need everything fixed or perfect or solved, but I think I do like them analyzed. With my depression, when there’s lows there’s usually like a pretty clear emotional stressor. And though there’s some things that could be affecting me right now (changes happening in our house, just saw family, whatever), I don’t think they’re really the cause? I think this is one of the times without a stressor. I think I’m just real fucking sad cause I have dysthymia and that’s all there is to it. And there’s definitely physical stressors (and those emotional stressors just mentioned) that are making it worse, like seasonal change and what’s starting to become an extreme lack of sleep. Regardless, I think there wasn’t a clear trigger this time.
It’s harder for me to deal with my lower periods without an identifiable cause than when there is, even if it’s a real bad one. I feel like it’s because that’s how I solve problems--analyzing the issue and finding the cause being the first step. Without that it feels like there’s no way to come up with potential solutions and then it feels like this even lower low is going to last forever and I’ll never get out.
But I think I just have to remind myself that I’m allowed to experience things without causes. (And like, having a disorder IS the cause, even if I can’t always map out the patterns and triggers within it.) I don’t have to solve everything of myself immediately. I might not feel valuable or of worth right now, but whatever value I have isn’t taken away just cause I’m sad.
Still worried a bit though. The anniversary of my friend’s death where my depression has almost always been at its annual worst is coming up and I’m not sure how that’s going to go when I’m already at this point, haha.
-Also I’ve been thinking about like. IDK, it’s interesting what we turn to (media-wise) in times of depression. I almost always turn to horror, and I think that it’s because it’s a good catharsis and way of dealing with the traumas I went through that caused the abuse in the first place. I think I also subconsciously crave Something that will make me feel Anything when I’m low and horror tends to give very immediate and strong reactions. Also I think there are some very real but very internal pains that happen with depression and, related to the catharsis, it helps me to see and experience something externally that can represent the level of pain I’m feeling internally.
But like, this low, I’ve really turned to things that are much more light-hearted and devoid of stress, darkness, drama, etc. In particular Moomins, the podcast Wonderful, and furbies. I don’t think this is the first time I’ve done this, but it is very out of character for me in that it’s almost exclusively these brighter things. I’m not sure why this is! I think maybe, since there wasn’t a trigger, maybe there’s less things to deal with and work out like I do with horror. And maybe since the lack of sleep is such a huge factor this time (that, coupled with my anxiety), maybe I’m looking for the least stress-inducing outlets possible?
Obviously I’m still in the low and still looking for things I’ve not been feeling on my own (i.e. security through material goods, validation through peers), but idk. It’s been interesting and different, and feels pretty healing.
