#zenitsu angst

A/n: I made a hashira version this, I might do demons, too, but have fun reading. I feel like the hashira one is better.

Tanjiro kamado

● Since he has a really strong sense of smell, tanjiro always smelled a looming cloud of sadness that sat heavily over your head. But whatever he smelled, it contrasted so thickly with your expressions. If you were angry on the inside, you were sad on the outside, If you were happy on the inside, you were angry on the outside, so that always confused him. Tanjiro, all so loves helping people out, so as soon as he smells or even senses something wrong with you he'll as about it.

● Tanjiro sometimes daydreams the time when y/n killed themselves. He thinks about himself breaking down, falling onto his knees and tears bluring his eyes. He thinks about those few rare moments where he could smell the happiness inside of you and actually see it on your face. When you weren't wearing some sort of stupid mask. Speaking of masks, you, too, once were a student of urodaki alongside tanjiro, giving him your fox mask from final selection.

● And what makes it worse is that he was on a mission with you when it happened. You guys had just split up to catch the other demons faster, and them bam, you were dead. He saw it too, god, he saw it, tanjiro watched as you slayed that last bit of the demon, then he watched as you stared at your blood covers hands that had held the last warmth of the people you loved leaving. Tanjiro watched as you took your blade and stabbed it through your stomach like some goddamn fool. He watched as your guts seeped out of your stomach and onto the ground with slow sounds of splats and plats

Tanjiro's words:

Y..y/n- Y/N NOOO, WE STILL NEED YOU... I still need you

Zenitsu agastuma

● You and him were like the moon and the sea. Zenitsu was the moon, always reflecting off the light of others. And you were the sea, had so many good things in you but were slowly getting killed. You and him were two peas in a pod until he was the only one. Both of you guys were best friends even before either of you met tanjro or inosuke. You screamed at him when he flirted with girls, yelled at the older slayers that would pick at him, and you understood why he cried so much. Even though you both didn't know much of either of your pasts, your bond was enough, until it came undon.

● You didn't know much about zenitsu's past, and he didn't know much about yours either. But what mattered is that he cared for you and you cared for him. But at last things need to go wrong when the universe doesn't car enough for you, and the least it could do is spare you some time to give zenitsu something. It was a small bow for his sparrow and a flute for zenitsu that you had given, it wasn't much, in fact it was the very least, you could've gave him something more meaningful, something more important, something more specific, but no if you thought you weren't any of those, then why give them?

● At last, the time had come, and it was just when you and zenitsu had arrived at a wisteria house to heal. You told him a lie, of course, that you were going out for some air, and after some begging and tears and zenitsu passing out to sleep, you finally got a chance to step out. And it was the very thing zenitsu hated, demons. You heard me. You had stepped outside after dark and took your katana, making a few cuts on your wrists, letting the smell of blood fill the air. A demon with an ugly amount of eyes and pale legs wrapping around its body from head to toe had beaten you to death and devoured your body. You didn't shed a single tear, fearing zenitsu would wake up and hear. But he did wake up, and he did hear.

Zenitsu's words:

What? What's all that noise it's too loud

Inosuke hashibara

● You and him were Ying and Yang. He was rude but had a small speck of kindness in him. You were kind but had a small pearl of rudeness in you. It's not all that bad if you think about it. You were his calm, and he was your rage. Like when someone made fun of you or mocked you, inosuke already had his foot up their ass and throwing them into a tree. "AHAAH DON'T YOU DARE TALKE ABOUT T/N LIKE THAT." It got a bit carried away. You didn't mind. It was nice to have some protection next to your side, whether it's beating up rude people or killing demons that you couldn't defeat.

● From time to time, you'd see inosuke without his mask and absolutely treasure the moment. I mean, can you just LOOK at him ? No wonder girls often found him cute despite his craziness. Speaking of looks once on his birthday, you took him out to eat (rip your wallet), and by the end of it, you slid a coin. It was copper with a hole through the top of it. "Think of it as a good luck charm, NO INOSUKE DON'T EAT IT" it was indeed a good luck charm but it also had a small carving on it, and since inosuke had the IQ of a boar he couldn't read it but the carving read April 22nd

● Later, much, much later inosuke would as shinobu or tanjiro what it read and they would tell him it said his birthday. But now here we are, where your body was rooted, missing body parts and chunks of flesh flicked around, ants ate at your body and fangled had started to grow out of what used to be your eyes. Inosuke had gotten their a week late after you had gone missing, the reason was of some girl eating demon, eating girls on their 16th birthday. He had nothing to say well except this.

Inosuke's words:

Happy birthday y/n

Genya shinazugawa

● You both trained under Gyomei Himejima, and you both were simple fine with that. The stone piller took you in because you always seemed to kill demons with too much care for what happened with others. So he decided to try and make you gental. And as for genya, as soon as Gyomei heard that the boy had been eating demons, he took him in. To be honest, genya was kind of scared of you since you reminded him a bit too much like his brother. With scars maping your skin and a personality that made you seem like you belonged as a cafeteria worker.

● Genya sorta avoided you from time to time after missions since it was either awkward or tense. But on other times when you were happy or normal as they suggested you, him, and Gyomei went to the waterfall or a shrine. Other times, the three of you go to the nearby festival to get ramen and food. With getting odd looks mostly because you are a 7-foot bulky ass man walking while crying beside two angry children that were glued to his side. Oh, and at the festival, you disappeared for a bit, only to come back with a pair of brand new geto sandles. Genyaxs had been torn after a mission with tanjiro and refused to change them.

● Maybe you were too angry, maybe you couldn't be soft or kind like gyomei had tried to make you be. Maybe you were just stuck in an endless loop of anger. Because that's how you felt when you pressed a short of sharp blade to your the sides of your neck and begain to cut. It looked like a cat scratch at first, or maybe that's what you always said. Then, it got deeper and deeper. Your vision was blury and your head was bagging, "God I'm so fucking useless, instead of killed demons I'm killing myself like some goddamm pick me." That ringed in your head a bit to loud and you got a bit carried away (if you even can when your killing youself) and genya knocked on your door because he could smell the blood. Yours and only yours. But when he opened the door, your back was slumped against the wall, and the blade stared at genya as if saying, "You failed demon," he cried.

Genya’s words:

"Maybe you too were a bit too much like nemi"

Kanao

● The moon and the sun vibes, you've been together ever since the start, yes even when kanao was an orphan so we're you. And then came along Kanae and Shinobu, adopting you both as butterfly girls and their sisters. Unlike kanao, you had a name, which was y/n l/n, a pretty name too. When she went on missions, so did you. When you went on missions, so did she, always together like a magnet, you being the north and her being the south. You were kanao's favorite person, even more so than shinobu.

● Your master was Kanae, and hers was shinobu, but at last, when kanae died, a part of you died too. Shinobu noticed you becoming more and more like her, but you acting as kind as Kanae. It seems as if you couldn't get out of this circle or loop. You liked rectangles better they seem to look nicer, speaking of rectangles. The gift you gave to kanao was a small rectangle keychain that had the print of 8 butterflies, each one representing the butterfly pins you wore, each one being kiyo, sumi, naho, aoi, kanao, y/n, shinobu, and kanae. You gave it to her before final selection as a good luck charm, and she hung it on the barrel of her katana. Too bad you didn't make it to final selection.

● It's such a shame, though, You wouldn't even dare step into final selection, too afraid of seeing someone die. Or kanao staying with you throughout the entire thing, if that happened, your plan would've failed, and you would've lived. What was your plan, might I say? Simple the wisteria poison was harmful to humans in large doses, so you plucked the purple flower, mixing it with water and drank it. It seeps from your mouth into your lungs as you begin violently coughing, then it spread to your arms and legs, paralyzing them. At last, it reached back up to your heart, forcing it to spasm into a heart attack. When kanao found out you weren't the 5 that had passed the final selection, she couldn't cry. She never could. But when she told shinobu, shinobu did cry, and I believe her thoughts were 'The same thing that y/n used to kill themselves, it's currently pumping through my veins.' From time to time, the butterfly girls will visit your grave

Kanao's words:

tanjiro - you knew that tanjiro’s job of being a demon slayer was dangerous, but you weren’t ready for how bad it hurt when you lost him.

zenitsu - he has a crush on you, but he watches as you slowly fall in love with one of his friends

inosuke -  he vowed to marry you when you were both adults, but by that time, he had already fell in love with someone else

giyuu - he doesn’t realize his feelings for you until it’s too late

shinobu - you guys are exes and she misses you, but she doesn’t have the courage to contact you again

mitsuri - right person, not enough time

rengoku - you guys were happy together, until fate tore him away from you

After the war, you’d move in together of course, into a medium-sized estate with enough space to house your friends when they’d visit with their eventual families near a clear lake with plenty of nutrient-rich grounds to grow all sorts of plants and foods (a hobby Zenitzu favored more than you did). When he found that the time was right, he had gold rings made just for you and him, another piece of himself he wanted to share only with you. Two heartbeats intertwined to become one lifelong symphony of love and trust.

Zenitsu could feel the beginnings of the warm summer sun chase away the cool remnants of spring, his exposed forearms warm with its comfortable kiss. “These damn peppers grow like weeds” he mumbled to himself as he harvested yet another full basket of peppers, red and yellow and orange strings weighed the wicker basket down onto his skin. “At this rate we’ll need to start handing them out to people when they come over for dinner next week” the walk back to your shared home wasn’t far, though half way there Zenitsu couldn’t help whining at how heavy this basket was quickly becoming. He found solace in the distant hum of the river and in the way the trees rustled gently, their leaves giving way to the stream of the wind as petals flew with it. The sound carried him further down the beaten grass towards home, a rhythm of familiarity–until it wasn’t. It was almost inaudible at first, muffled beneath something and low, but it grew steady and strong, terrifyingly sound. ‘Something is here’ Zenitsu abandoned the basket and no longer cared for the nature around him as he honed in on a single pounding, racing to the house because this beat was new and different and ‘dear lord it's in the house’

A terror he thought was gone burned at his throat in the form of bile that he forced down because you were home and it’s thump was there too. The back door creaked eerily as he stepped inside, searching with precision for a sign of something else. You crossed the threshold of the living room having heard your husband, “Perfect timing! I needed your help-” “Shh” Zenitsu interrupted you as the beating grew more and more until it was just you and him, standing feet apart, surrounded by the same home you two enjoyed everyday. 

Zenitsu’s body acted faster than his thoughts could catch up and before he knew it he lowered himself onto wobbling knees. “Zenitsu what are you doing? Are you ok” your worried words fell on occupied ears as he slowly pressed his side to your stomach. Boom the sound was strong and gentle, boom.

“Zenitsu” your eyes watered without having to be told why as his grip on your hips held you in place and his head pressed harder against you waiting, counting each unmistakable heartbeat. Your fingers tangled themselves in his golden roots, willing him to his feet as tears streamed down your cheeks to the corners of your wide beam. “ (Y/N) you’re pregnant, I-I heard it” Zenitsu's shock was obvious and his thoughts collided with one another unable to form anything else, but before he could spiral further your warm hands cupped his cheeks tying him to solid ground. “Zenitsu, you're going to be a father” you sobbed, ‘oh yea, that’s right’ How could he have forgotten that part? You stood in the middle of your home, heads pressed together as tears of joy fell freely between the both of you. How quickly two heartbeats had become three, finally you’d get to start your own family.

The next few weeks felt surreal. Naturally, when Tanjiro and Inosuke came to visit with their families the next week you both shared the news. Their reactions were priceless and so full of genuine love–you weren't sure who cried more, Tanjiro or Zenitsu. Of course, you scheduled a visit with Shinobu almost immediately. She ran blood tests’ and performed a physical exam, she took note of any and all side effects you might have been feeling, any sickness or nausea, which you’d had none of. She then placed her stethoscope against your lower stomach and pressed just enough for the pressure to be uncomfortable. “Hear anything?” you asked excitedly, which earned a scoff from your side, “Of course she does” Zenitsu added. Shinobu moved to listen from different positions, her lips pursed slightly. “Everything alright?” you asked.

“With you, everything seems normal. However, from what I can gather the baby's heartbeat is slower than what I expected. It sounds scary, however technology is not where it needs to be and this method is not an exact science, so please don’t panic. I advise you to take things easy and maintain a healthy diet, please let me know of any changes, even the minor ones.” Shinobu reached out to squeeze your hand with kind eyes, “I’m here as your doctor and as your friend”

After that visit you both felt a little uneasy, but you trusted her nonetheless, after all there wasn’t much else to do. Shinobu was able to estimate that you were still in your first trimester, roughly 7-8 weeks into your pregnancy, so there is still a long way to go and lots to do.

“You know maybe we should take this moment to address your hoarder problem” you joked from the doorway of what would be a nursery. Zenitsu was drenched in sweat as he moved boxes around in an unproductive cycle of  ‘I forgot we had this!” and “We will need this one day”  His narrowed eyes met your lit pair and his frustration melted away, it was never easy to be mad at you, especially not as you carried his child. “I found something today when I was in town” he started, stretching his back. “Oh yea? Anything interesting?” you asked, shuffling through yet another box of useless knick knacks. Zenitsu left the room for just a second before returning with a small brown bag; he offered it to you shyly, which you accepted gratefully. It was heavy and when you pulled out the gift tissue you felt yourself swell with pride and your eyes with tears. Inside there were two things; a yellow, cotton blanket with white stitching going across all sides and a small “A” embroidered in one corner–the whole thing was big enough to swaddle a newborn. You pulled out the second item with delicate fingers, a pair of leather bound boots with fur trimmed insides, too small to actually fit a human being. “I saw them and figured that they'd be here in winter so I got it” Zenitsu rambled, but his eyes were filled with a different kind of adoration that you couldn't help but fall harder for the man before you.

“You’re going to be an amazing father, you know” you sniffled putting these gifts away softly. “Only because you gave me a chance. I’m going to mess up a hundred times, but I’d only ever do it with you” he leaned in to nuzzle his nose against yours, placing a gentle kiss on your lips. You didn’t think things could get any better, there, with your husband and the small bump that had taken shape.  

It was the middle of the night when Zenitsu woke in a cold sweat, frantic. Something wasn’t right. Zenitsu could feel it, rather he couldn’t hear it. That constant heartbeat he knew he should hear, he knew should be there, the one he remembers hearing just before he went to bed hours ago. Your breathing had become labored as sweat beads clung to your brow, your face contorting in a pain Zenitsu couldn’t see and whimpers escaped your parted lips. “ (Y/n) you need to wake up” he shook you till your eyes opened, agony painted in your hazy orbs. “We need to get to Shinobu, we need-” his voice caught as he pulled back the comforter to find thick blotches of blood staining the sheets between your legs. He gasped in terror, torn between the blood and your cries and the what if? He scooped you out of bed and ran like hell. Without shoes and neither of you properly dressed he bolted out the front door with you coddled to his chest, the blood roaring in his ears as he looked down to see you clinging to his chest.

When he arrived at the estate, Shinobu was awake and ushered him in. It was all happening so fast; Shinobu and a few staff members rushed around your writhing body that laid on the bed. Zenitsu didn’t speak, didn’t breathe as he searched in all the frantic shuffling for a single sound. The room had become stiff and somber as Shinobu sat with her stethoscope, the room clear of everyone else but you three. “I’m so sorry, but…I can’t find anything. I’m so sorry” Shinobu’s voice was tight as she looked from you to Zenitsu. “No, no you need to keep looking, you have to keep looking” your hands grabbed hers and forced it to keep at what Zenitsu knew was a useless search; the baby was gone. “(Y/N) please-”Zenitsu heard his own hoarse voice muffled and distant. You turned to him slowly, silently, your mouth hanging open in disbelief, begging for answers your husband couldn't give you, so he just shook his head.

Your face twisted as you brought your legs together, one hand clutching your heart and the other holding yourself. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” you sobbed into the room, rocking back and forth with each hysterical scream. You couldn’t even tell who you were apologizing to. Yourself? Your husband? Shinobu and all your other friends? This baby whose life ended before it could even start? The pain creeping into your spent throat wasn’t enough to overcome the unbearable, indescribable weight ripping you from the inside out.

Zenitsu had seen a lot of anguish in his life, too much for one person, but watching you now felt worse than anything he’d ever done. He’d rather be turned into a demon and forced to burn with every sunrise than ever watch this gut wrenching agony overcome you again. How did things go so wrong so quickly? Not that it mattered now, though. There would be time to grieve and time to think of all the scenarios that wouldn't happen later, but now as you screamed your lungs raw Zenitsu had to move and focus on you. Shinobu had excused herself at some point, leaving you two alone. He crawled next to you, cradling you to him as you both sobbed till there couldn’t possibly be more tears, yet still you continued to cry together, clinging to one another. Words didn’t need to be exchanged for either of you to understand that things didn't feel okay now and they wouldn’t for a while, but that's alright because you had Zenitsu and he had you–two heartbeats that would always beat as one.

Tanjiro Kamado:

When you tell Tanjiro you love him... he looks at you so kindly and sincerely that you ignore the remorseful look in his eyes and you believe for a second you have a chance. He's honest, but when he tells you "I'm sorry (Y/n).. but I want to focus on curing my sister, I hope you can forgive me." You can see the lie painted on his face, you thought it was only your imagination when you thought you saw him look at kanao with longing eyes, or watch her swordsmanship with a tickle of pink on his cheeks. You were no match for her, and she fit him perfectly, you were happy for him. Seeing a blooming relationship between them was both a sweet dream and a nightmare. It was so selfish to think you could make him happy like kanao would. It was set in stone now, all those times spent alone together.. He only meant it platonically and you always were the one misinterpreting it. He was never, ever, in love with you. You were a fool to develop feelings for such a kind person like him. Tanjiro could smell the pungent scent of sadness wash over you, and the hopeful wisps faded from you form as you could feel the bitter tears well up in your eyes. He tried to console you, placing a calloused hand on your shoulder and saying "Our friendship is wonderful (Y/n), and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I feel like we were both born in this world meant to be the best of friends." His oblivious nature was sweet, but every time he had used the word friend, the more your saddened laughter turned into resigned hiccups and sniffles. You couldn't cry, not when he was looking at you with that smile that lit up a room, and those beautiful eyes that you couldn't help but admire. When you brushed his hand off your shoulder and turned away, the tears finally fell ( Tanjiro felt the sadness around you grow darker) and you walked out the room as fast as you could, breaking out into a run as your heartbroken cries echoed through the hallways, hoping Tanjiro wouldn't find you. Tanjiro didn't bother to follow you, nor call your name, standing silently as he processed everything that happened.

Zenitsu Agatsuma:

When you tell Zenitsu you love him... he lets out a hesitant laugh, he really didn't expect this, and of course he wanted a confession of love from someone. Just not from you. He would jump for the opportunity to love someone wholeheartedly, but you? You were his best friend, someone he thought of as a sibling he never had. You were the closest thing to family. "I- I'm sorry (Y/n)," he lets out a small sigh, either in confusion or contempt, you couldn't tell. "I just don't like you that way.. You're like my family, you know? I don't think I can date someone I see as my sibling." He could practically hear your heart shatter, The ringing of dread and regret surrounding you, it was a horrible noise Zenitsu had to hear often— it was even worse when it came from you. When he saw your shoulders slump and you turning around to leave the room after the rejection. He backtracked, waving his arms and exclaiming loudly "Of course w-we can still be friends! I'm sure one day this will just be something we look back on! I'll always be here for you (Y/n)!" You thought about it, you really did, But you just needed time. He would certainly try and cling to you in a desperate attempt to remove the now awkward tension between you two. Were you not good enough? Not pretty enough? All the time you spent reassuring him about him and his skills as a demon slayer, had he never seen you like you saw him? You clenched your fists. The nails of your fingers digging into the flesh of your palm. You shook, every part of you felt like it was going to collapse under your feet. You felt your throat close up and taking a breath was hard to do, you couldn't blame Zenitsu. Not at all, you could only blame yourself for thinking that he also thought of you that way. Every negative emotion poured into your body all at once, and Zenitsu could hear the dissonant harmony of your sadness, frustration, despair, and all those other emotions you were choking down. And when he stepped closer you turned to him, a dark emotion in your eyes. He could recognize it as how Kaigaku looked at him back then, the same desolate look in your eyes, as you told him "Just– leave me alone, Zenitsu." Even with your strained voice and the voice crack that came through when you pushed down your tears enough to not let him see. As you left, Zenitsu had his hand out ready to comfort you the best he could, but not being quick enough as you rushed out the room without a word back from him.