Today was awful. I went to the supermarket to buy some pre-cut fruit (Iām still not allowed to touch knives -- not after what I almost did to Priscillaās cat) and I yanked on the door but it wouldnāt open. I thought the store wasnāt open, so I told the person behind me, theyāre closed, donāt go in, but turns out, youāre just supposed to push the door, not pull on it. You couldnāt possibly know how this feels. I want to die. I should never go in public again. I donāt want anyone to see me for the next hundred years.
Because I couldnāt possibly stay there and suffer the shame of everyone knowing how stupid and dumb I am, I brought the big box of strawberries to the University to wait for Priscilla to get out of class, and while I was there, I met some guy named -- actually, I donāt know. He told me, but I wasnāt listening. But we had a nice conversation about vegetables and mushrooms and eating stuff. There was something about him ... like, how nice he was, and how much he was friendly and thoughtful but also seemed kind of angry? He reminded me kind of -- um, nevermind. But he mentioned he was interested in space. Iām thinking -- maybe I should get moreĀ strawberries, and go sit in the same spot ... !! And maybe Iāll see him again !!
He wasnāt there. Found a bug on the floor, though.Ā
DEAR DIARY -- I DONāT KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS
I wish I got his nameĀ !! And I wish I had my cellphone, and I couldāve taken a picture of that bug ... heās on my mind a lot, cuz Sid and Priscilla are real nice and everything, but theyāre always making fun of me. You look dumb, stop writing in your diary, you canāt slam the fridge door past two AM. I wish I had someone to spend time with who didnāt tell me Iām -- weird. And not the nice kind of weird, like a cute girl with green hair, the bad kind of weird, where people stare at you and cross the street to avoid you because you upset them. Like Iām some annoying pest and being around me is a chore. No one ever listens to me. Not here or Atomina. And the whole reason I came all the way here was because I just wanted things to go a little better for me ... but he listened to me, even if it was just for a little, and even if we didnāt talk about anything important...
He mentioned something ... pot cast. Pat cast. Pod cost. Iāll ask about it later.Ā
1. I told Sid about finding the Pot Cast and he asked why and I told him why and he asked for details and I had to get my diary -- sorry, this is a journal -- out to remember the details. Sid says itās too girly to sayĀ ādear diaryā and I should sayĀ ācaptainās logā or just number the pages by date. I donāt want to be girly ... Priscilla is already a girl, we canāt have two girls in a friend group. It seems excessive.
2. But that wasnāt important. I found the pot cast, its called the Zenith Span!!!! Itās actually just a voice recording he puts online of him talking to himself and people who yell at him. Itās the most wonderful thing Iāve ever heard. Imagine being so outspoken, you just give your opinion on things, unwarranted...? That you just say whatever you mean, with all your whole huge heart, because you love things so much, or you hate them even more...? I fell asleep listening to them, but I woke up because in one of the pot casts it sounded like he was fighting someone and they were screaming about whether or not we needed another sequel for that giant monster crime fighting detective movie franchise. Oh!!!! And, you know, because he had a whole web-thing set up for it, so now I know his name: itās Clerk!
I misheard. Itās Clark. Sorry.
I played Angry Birds so hard today I threw up. I think, actually, I threw up because I didnāt eat for twelve hours (because of the Angry Birds) and then I drank a glass of ice water, but that wasnāt the good thing about today -- I saw Clark again!!!!Ā We went on a walk, we talked about things, he -- turns into -- soup -- but heās ok!!!!! Its a very long story and my hand is tired and I donāt want to write it all out. Iāll draw a picture so I can remember it later. I looked kind of like this:
Iāve been spending a lot of time with Clark. Heās so funny -- like, he makes me laugh, and heās fun, which is every applicable use of the word funnyĀ I can think of. When I get things wrong, he doesnāt make fun of me or call me dumb, usually he just tells me very plainly. And heās kind of weird, too -- but the good kind of weird, the green-hair-girl kind of weird, because Iād never cross the street if I saw Clark coming down the sidewalk. Iād go up to him and ask if he wants to spend time together. I still listen to his pot cost -- I always want to keep up to date on the newest stuff heās talking about, even if I donāt really know...whatheās talking about. I still hope I see him out and about. Usually when I talk to people, Iām kind of just waiting for them to stop talking so itās my turn to talk, but with Clark, he could talk about anything for as long as he wanted, and Iād be glad to listen. I donāt really know why ... I mean, admittedly, I donāt care about anything he likes. I donāt care about movies and I think science is boring. But if he likes it, then I guess I like it, too.Ā
We went to the pet store to get food for Priscillaās cat and I saw the worst thing ever. One of those tiny dogs in the glass cages tore another tiny dog in half like a green onion pancake. Except -- it wasnāt green onions that came out -- it was a lot redder -- it looked like canned peaches ... itās too terrible to describe. I want to pretend today didnāt happen.
TODAY IT WAS LIKE [ the rest of the page is filled with incomprehensible scribbles and hearts drawn in dollar store highlighter. ]
Yesterday I was too tired after everything so I tried to write but I think I fell asleep writing the entry because I just woke up on the floor with my face in the book. But I think Iām okay now. Nooooo Iām not OKAAAAAY Iām MORE THAN OKAAAAAAAAAAY
It was a routine day: petstore, the tiny dogs in the little glass cages, Clark helped me liberate them. He took me in his CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??????????????????? And I was already so excited to be in the car and I couldnāt believe we were still spending time and he did all that stuff for me and I went crazy and I didnāt even realize it!! I asked if he wanted to spend just a little more time together -- I mean, I only see him, like, once a month, and itās always on accident. I donāt even use this book to write about much else other than the times I see Clark. And he didnāt just say yes -- he took me to a MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a good movie!!! Actually, I donāt remember the movie, I was too excited that I was -- I was -- I canāt even write it down. I was on a D A T E with C L A R K and we were watching -- something about a teenager who can turn into a satellite -- I donāt know. It was a bad movie, actually, but heāll never know I said that, and Iāll watch a thousand million quadrillion bad movies as long as I can watch them with Clark.Ā
Heās like those weird spikey plants that are hard to hold but you canāt help but to think theyāre wonderful, and you wanna keep them around forever. I knew he was kind of ... blunt. Maybe tactless. But I really liked that about him. I really wish I could just fess up and tell him The Big Secret. I sometimes think that maybe he already knows. He loves space, itās not like heās stupid, he watches all those dumbĀ āalien invaderā movies that Earth is so obsessed with, why wouldnāt he have a feeling that maybe Iām not exactly who I say I am?Ā
I asked Priscilla and Sid and they said that 1. Clark isnāt special and Iām just a loser who found another loser like me 2. itās a bad idea because heāll either think Iām a crazy person telling lies or if he believes me heāll tell someone else and theyāll tell other people and then it wonāt be a secret. And thatās always the bad outcome. Itās a secret for a reason ... I know itās for the best. Still. Iām so glad I know him. I feel a lot less lonely and a lot less badĀ weird, maybe more just normalĀ weird. I hope we spend more time together. Maybe heāll let me pick some new clothes for him ... ! I wanna write a song -- I just have to find words that rhyme with Clark. Bark ... stark? Shark!!!!!!!