(Third film. After âkids in the darkâ. The next morning. Malâs still asleep next to Ben. Sheâs still in quasi dragon form. Green, scaly skin, horns, tail, wings. The lot. Sheâs dreaming. In the dream her and Ben are having their first dance at their wedding. This is when âbeautiful with youâ happens. After the song. Mal is woken up from her pleasant dream by someone frantically knocking on the door)
Mal: okay, okay. Gimme a second. What is it?
Mal: oh god did Dude get into your opium stash again?
Carlos: no! Iâve hid it better this time.
Jay: we think that Evie thinks sheâs pregnant with Dougâs baby.
Mal: I fail to see the problem with that. If sheâs in the pudding club then maybe sheâll finally get off my back.
Jay: no you donât understand.
Ben (just waking up): oh hey. You kept to the bet.
Mal: I told you I would. And I donât like lying.
Jay: listen! If Evieâs up the duff. She will need to be hidden away. And if she isnât. She canât be for a long, long time.
Mal: Iâve literally just woken up. What the hell are you talking about?
Ben: oh yeah. Yeah that checks out. Sheâs Malâs little sister.
Mal (highly confused): Iâm sorry?
Carlos: ever watched the crown?
Mal: I stopped when Matt Smith left.
Carlos: good. Then youâll know the protocol.
Ben: lemme try. Evie and Doug canât get married or have more children until we get married and have more children.
Jay: and since you still havenât set a date for it, despite being engaged for over a year now, Evieâs going to be waiting a long, long time.
Mal: ooooh sheâs not gonna like that. So um. How bad is the uh joy? Exactly?
Jay: take a look for yourself.
(He uses magic to create a projection screen. This is when âI believe in loveâ happens. After the song. Mal is gobsmacked)
Mal: okay so this is bad.
Ben: can I ask a personal question?
Mal: sheâs irregular. Something to do with childhood malnutrition. Same as most of the girls on the island.
Jay: howâd you know that?
Mal: I had to share a bathroom with her a year and a half. I deserve a medal.
Carlos: what do we do about it?
Mal: j kinda wanna say itâll all blow over. Her and Dougâs physiology arenât compatible. Sheâs a demigod-witch. Heâs a half dwarf.
Jay: yeah but you gave everyone magic. Greek god magic. Including Doug.
Carlos: so. What do we do about it?
Mal: uuuuh. Is she actually pregnant or is she just feeling bloated from the cucumber sandwiches?
Jay: Carlos could scan her. Youâre closer to her. She wonât yell at you. Probably.
Carlos: sure. And nope. She ainât pregnant.
Jay: oh thank fuck for that. Now whoâs gonna tell her?
Ben, Mal and Carlos: not it!
Jay: you lot are so lucky I love you.
Ben, Mal and Carlos: we know.
Jay: oh. Before I forget. When are you getting hitched? Because we really need to start planning.
Jay: that only gives me a day!
Carlos: itâs your coffee morning with the girls isnât it?
Carlos: Iâll send Jane your way.
(He teleports away only to be replaced by Evie who immediately tries to take a swing at Mal. Who promptly ducks)
Evie: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?!
Mal: LONNIE A LITTLE HELP!?!?
(Lonnie teleports in a punches Evie to the floor)
Mal: she canât be pregnant before me. And if I have the numbers right. Neither can you.
Lonnie: really? Thatâs it? Get it together E.
Evie: itâs not fair. She gets to do everything first. She can get married first. She and Ben and have more kids before me and Doug. Before you and Gil. Doesnât that bother you?
Lonnie: why would it? Thatâs just how it works. Have you never watched the crown?
Evie: you know I stopped after Matt Smith left.
Lonnie: then you understand as well as Mal does that no matter how uncomfortable you both are with it. Mal and Ben are more important. Itâs just the way it is.
Mal: yeah, yeah, yeah. You soooo difficult nowadays(.) Coffee?
Mal: regular or decaf. You know I donât fuck around with that fake shit.
Mal: you know where it is. Hey Janey.
Jane: sorry Iâm late. I slept so well last night I didnât want to end.
Lonnie (chortling): I bet you did.
Mal: hey. Lonnie. Weâre all adults here. Donât judge.
Lonnie: In that what youâre all dragony?
Mal: I lost a bet. And the forfeit is that I need to stay like this for a year or at least until I win a bet.
Lonnie: and since Ben is, ah, âgood at what he doesâ....
Mal: Iâll be wearing my wings to the wedding.
Mal: now can we please have a nice, normal, coffee-
(Uma storms in and kicks the door shut)
(Uma rounds on her. This is when âI didnât plan itâ happens. After the song. Mal, Evie and Lonnie look confused. Jane is unimpressed)
Jane: you and Ned did it last night didnât you?
Jane: no. But your reaction is. I had a bit of a funny moment too.
Lonnie: funny moment? We didnât see you for a week?
Jane: I had a lot that I wanted to learn.
Uma: um. When did you uh....you know?
Jane: we were headed for the wake. I was upset. Jay and Carlos wanted to comfort me. Bing bang boom I had to replace my bedspread. Jays magic has a slight burning quality thatâs actually quite attractive.
Mal and Lonnie (nodding in agreement): understandable.
Evie: Doug and I almost did it before all of you.
Lonnie (scoffing): really. When?
Evie: summer before cotillion. I got my first report card. All Aâs. You know who always told me to thank a man for helping me. And that they only wanted one thing. So I tried to give Doug that one thing. Luckily for both of us he realised what I was doing and said no.
Uma: huh. Oh. By the way. Are all Auradonian men ah you know....
Mal: winners of the genetic lottery? Yes. Or at least Ben is.
Jane: so are my guys as well.
Uma: oh so itâs not just Ned then.
Mal: no it is not. What are you guys doing later today around five?
Mal: well Uma take a rain check because Iâm taking you lot shopping at Eudoraâs Boutique.
Mal: because we have a year and a day to plan for Ben and mines wedding.
Evie: I can make all the dresses. And the suits.
Mal: Iâm sure you can but youâre still going to do this for me. Just to pick out the designs and colours.
Mal: because you need a stencil. Need I remind you of my cotillion dress before I said I wanted it based on my motherâs coronation dress? So youâll go with. Or....
Mal: or Iâll pick out your wedding outfit. Not anyone elseâs. Just yours. And Iâm thinking. Polyester leisure suit from a bargain bin.
Mal: I know. Who opened a waterfall?
Lonnie: sorry. Sâmy phone. Jane. Doug wants us in the council room. Letâs go.
Mal: before I forget. Can you be my maid of honour?
Lonnie: like you even needed to ask.
Mal: best to double check.
Uma: Evie. Close your mouth cousin. You are not a codfish.
Doug: apart from mentally kicking myself because Evie thought she was pregnant. Not much.
Lonnie: so why did you text me?
Doug: there is one thing we didnât think of when Mal et al restored Neverland.
Persey (entering dramatically with a really bad West Country accent): I believe I have the answer to that.
Doug: what did Ben say about walking into a room like Rasputin about to curse the Romanovs?
Persey (straightening up and smiling nervously): heheh. Sorry.
Ben: thatâs alright. Whatâs your plan?
Doug: besides killing them.
Lonnie: although I am not opposed to violence if you think itâs necessary.
Persey: the answer dear Lizaâs and Lennyâs. Is. Quite simply. Fuck em.
Persey (enunciating): Fuck. Them. Screw them. Tell em where to stick it. Piss off. Go to hell. Eat shit and die and all that jazz.
Ben: thatâs a lovely sentiment Perse. But I donât think that we can do that.
Persey: au contraire iel frere. Youâre in charge. You make the rules. Itâs like Iâve been saying for years.
(This is when âstick it to the manâ happens. After the song. Persey heads off to the Bakerâs restaurant where theyâre putting the finishing touches before the grand opening the next morning)
Anthony: yeah but this mashugana karaoke machine wonât work.
Persey: Mashugana? Really? Youâre Catholic.
Anthony: mom wonât let me swear before tomorrow and Carlos gave me the all clear.
Persey: okay then. Whatâs wrong with it?
Anthony: I donât know. A spring or something.
(They whack the machine with one hand and it hums into life)
Persey: there we go. Wanna try it out?
Persey: Andrew. Track 84 please.
(They head up to the stage. This is when âwe will rock youâ happens. After the song. Persey greets Doug and Evie. Evie still looks furious)
Doug: Evie would like you to talk to me. I told her it wouldnât make a difference. But she insisted.
Persey: about the pregnancy protocol? OOF!
(Evie just punched them square in the face)
Persey: you can call me a bitch if you want to. Itâs alright.
Evie: you BITCH! Did you know?
Persey: be more specific.
Evie: donât bullshit me Pantheon. DID YOU KNOW!
Persey: if youâre referring to the royal protocol that prevents you and Doug getting married and having more kids until Mal and Ben do. Then yes. I knew.
Evie: why didnât you tell me?
Persey: I just assumed that Doug told you what with him being major-domo and all.
Doug: I did. Iâve told her repeatedly.
Evie: I thought you were joking.
Doug: why would I joke about something that affects us like this?
Evie: dammit. Good point. Oh god. This sucks.
Persey: well it donât affect me. I donât wanna get married and Iâm on the fence about having kids. So. See ya tomorrow.
Evie: no I donât. I just wish they were easier to deal with.
Doug: I know. Câmon. Letâs do some karaoke.
Evie: but we canât do that until tomorrow.
Doug: good thing I write the rules then isnât it? Anthony?
Doug: something classical please.
Anthony: coming right up.
(This is when âfly me to the moonâ happens. After the song. Doug and Evieâs couple moment is interrupted by Quinlan barrelling into the restaurant followed by Freddie and Diego)
Evie: oh god what have you done now Quinlan?
Freddie: believe it or not. Nothing itâs what she wonât do thatâs the problem.
Doug: okay. What is it you wonât do?
Quinn: go on a blind date with someone Freddie picked out.
Evie: how is it a blind date? All the girl you know already know you and are Lennon committed relationships.
Quinn: not just girls. Iâm into boys as well.
Evie: oh okay. So you can strike out with both halves of the population then. Big day for you isnât it?
Quinn: itâs because of you I have to deal with her. You know that right?
Evie: donât care. Now piss off. Doug and I were in the middle of something.
Quinn: just because you canât get knocked up before your big sister does not mean that you get to take your anger out on me.
Evie: Doug. Sweetheart. Please hold my earrings.
(She screams like Rodan and lunges at Quinlan. What follows is a brief skirmish where indigo magic attacks red hot playing cards until Mal storms in and puts a stop to the fight by freezing them in midair)
Mal: that. Is. Enough. Evie. Go over there. Quinn. Go over there.
(She deposits them on separate sides of the room)
Mal: Doug. What happened?
Doug: Quinn ran her mouth and Evie attacked her.
Mal: you know what? Fair. Doug could go see Ben? He wanted to talk to you about some sort of form? Zoning I think.
Doug: ah yeah. Jays planning your engagement after party for August. We need those occupancy numbers. See you later honey.
Evie: see you later. So what now.
Mal: hold up. How did you know Iâd be here?
Lonnie: Iâm your maid of honour. Itâs my job to know where you are every second of every day in the run up to the wedding.
Mal: you asked Carlos to track my phone didnât you?
Lonnie: yeah. I think he owns my salary now.
Mal: he doesnât. Trust me. He doesnât. Anyway. Weâre about to go to Eudoraâs. I take it that tagging along?
Evie: why? Iâm not making the clothes. So why do I need to go with you?
Mal: because weâre getting the required recommendations so my bridal party will match. Otherwise youâll clash.
Evie: hah. You mean stand out.
Mal: no I mean clash. I know you sis. Youâll rock up in a white dress that puts Princess Grace to shame. Youâre going with us. Now.
Evie: urgh. Fine. Who else is going?
Mal: me, Lonnie, Quinlan and you. And Uma, Jane, Freddie and Maddox.
Evie: what? No Persey? Iâm shocked(.)
Mal: they didnât want to be in the bridal party. And I trust their judgment.
Quinn: Iâm not going if your sisterâs going.
Evie: and Iâm not going if that is going.
(The bride and the maid of honour huddle up)
Lonnie: how do you wanna play this? Pied piper or just teleport?
Mal: pied piper. The walkâll do em good. And besides. A lil bit of ABBA never hurt anyone.
Lonnie: Agreed. Anthony. Track 520 please.
(This is when âdancing queenâ happens. After the song. Evie tries in vain to push Malâs head under the water. But she just teleports back onto the bridge and laughs in her sisterâs face)
Evie: CRUEL! STUPID MEAN USELESS AND CRUEL!
Mal: well ya needed to cool off.
(Evie shrieks impotently)
Mal: now. Shall we go shopping?
(Mal teleports them, warm and dry, to Eudoraâs Boutique. Sheâs about lead the bridal party through the doors but Evie holds her arm out stopping her. Mal can practically feel the bad luck in the air)
Evie: ah bup bup. This is about haute couture. My area of expertise I think youâll find. Follow me gutter snipes. Follow me.
Uma: weâre gonna end up looking like circus folk arenât we?
Mal (unravelling a roll of unlimited credit cards): she can if wants to but you wonât. Now you heard the nutcase. Follow her. Iâll handle it. Now go.
(The rest of the girls head after Evie. Mal turns to a store attendant)
Mal: hi there. I called ahead. Mal Perrault. King Benâs fiancĂ©. Iâm here with my bridal party to discuss materials, colours and patterns. But my sister, the one with the blue hair and um. Loud handbag. Has gone a bit clothes crazy. Iâll corral her. But if possible could you please get the back of the store ready like I discussed with your manager?
Store attendant: of course Madame.
Mal: thank you. Iâll reimburse you for anything she touches.
Store attendant: of course Madame.
Mal: alrighty then. Letâs go save my friends from my sisterâs fashion sense. Again.
(She heads after Evie. This is when âthe good lifeâ happens. After the song. Mal walks into the room to see her sister glowering at her)
Mal: very easily at it happens.
Evie: I was about to make snow angels in the handbags.
Mal: what are you? Three?
Evie: no. Nineteen. You know this. Iâm a day younger than you.
Uma: can we get on with this please? Iâve nearly finished whatever this thing is.
Uma: Ccccinnabonnnnn. Why does it taste so good?
Freddie: they put cocaine in the sugar.
Freddie: no. Youâve been hanging around pirates for too long.
(Thereâs a knock on the wall)
(A smiling boy with curly white hair and crystalline white eyes pops his head through the curtain)
Wesley: hello your highness. Are you ready for the drinks and pastries?
(Quinn gets up and walks towards Wesley only to get tripped up by Lonnie)
Mal, Lonnie, Jane, Freddie and Uma: no.
(He closes the curtain and opens it again before setting down trays of drinks and pastries on the platinum table)
Wesley: every alcoholic drink Mrs Rogers has in the store and pastries with white, milk and dark chocolate dipping sauce along with peanut butter and cinnamon dipping sauce and bacon sprinkles and peanut croutons for her highness because I know youâre a vegetarian. And of course. Every plate and bottle is self replenishing as requested.
Mal: thank you Wesley. Iâll ring if I need anything else.
(The others burst into laughter)
Evie: oh no sis. Full offence. Heâs better than you. You canât have him.
Quinn: youâre just mad because Iâm more feminine than you.
Quinn: thereâs no shame in admitting that youâre not girly. Iâm just more girly than you are thatâs all.
Mal: Nono. I wanna see if she can dig herself out.
(This is when âI enjoy being a girlâ happens. After the song. Mal and Evie look wholly unimpressed with Quinnâs antics)
Evie: right....anyway. Mal. We have got to talk about your wedding dress.
Mal: urgh. Not this again. Itâs simple. Itâs elegant. And the back swoops down low enough so I can have my wings out during the ceremony.
Evie: thatâs the problem. Itâs simple. Itâs your wedding dress. Whereâs the pomp and circumstance?
Mal: in your workshop where it belongs and most importantly away from me.
Evie: you have absolutely no taste whatsoever.
Mal: funny. I was just thinking of saying that to Doug.
(Freddie flicks her on the nose)
Freddie: eat your Cinnabon dear.
Evie: M. Please. Just give me 2-3 minutes tops to try and convince you and I promise you that I will never, ever stick my pool cue in again.
Mal: hmmmm. Okay. But Iâm gonna hold you to it.
(She drags Mal out of the alcove and barks orders at the attendants before turning back to her sister with a deranged smile on her face. This is when âperfect isnât easyâ happens. After the song)
Chloe: yes. Um. That isnât your wedding dress is it?
Mal: no. Thatâs what my sister would like me to wear. My actual dress is a purple collarless version of Auroraâs signature dress with purple, black and green swan feathers sewn into the skirts.
Chloe: awwww. But arenât wedding dresses supposed to be white?
Mal: traditionally yes. But Iâm Hadesâs daughter getting married in a catholic cathedral. I donât need to add Lying To God In His Own House to the list transgressions stabled against me on my wedding day.
Evie: At least wear a corset. It doesnât look right otherwise.
Chloe: but the style of Malâs dress doesnât require a corset.
Chloe: How many layers are in the skirts?
Mal: two. The actual skirt and the feathers woven into it.
Chloe: no chicken wire frame to puff it out?
Chloe: does the bodice ah. Support um. Everything?
Chloe: then you donât need a corset. Itâs 2518 not 1825. If the dress doesnât require it then donât use it.
(The crazy theme starts playing)
Chloe: oh. Sorry. Thatâs me. Yes? Hello Uncle Hank. Yes. Hm. Uh huh. I ca-no I know. Yes Uncle. Bye Uncle Hank.
Mal: your dadâs uncle wants you to go and visit Chad doesnât he?
Mal: you could you know. The embargo ended weeks ago.
Chloe: Iâm not ready yet.
Evie: well when you are you can give him this apple from me.
(She holds out an apple thatâs emitting a sickly green glow. Mal promptly takes it and smushes it on Evieâs head causing her to pass out. Mal then uses telekinesis to kick her sister back into the alcove)
Mal: oh nothing. Just the sister of the future queen of Auradon trying to persuade a visiting princess that attempting a fraticidal assassination is a good idea in literally any way whatsoever.
Lonnie: business as usual then huh?
Mal: business as usual. Right. Has everyone found what they wanted? Designs, materials and all that? Good. Time to see it.
(This is when âfeel like a womanâ happens. After the song. Mal takes the wares to the checkout with help from Chloe)
Wesley: got everything you were looking for?
Wesley: still having lunch here?
Mal: if we can. The Full Package if itâs still available.
Wesley: go back to the alcove. Itâll be with you momentarily.
(On the way back to the alcove)
Mal (playfully): đ¶you like him. You like himđ¶
Mal: oh honey. You didnât blink once when we were at the checkout.
Chloe: okay. You got me. I do like him. Heâs my orientation buddy.
Mal: take your seat. Oh. Here we are. Ladies. Sister. Cousin. You are in for a treat.
(Wesley sets down the plethora of French food)
(Once theyâve had lunch, Freddie turns on the radio)
Mal: ooooh. I like this song. Turn it up turn it up.
(This is when âheaven knowsâ happens. After the song. Mal checks her phone)
Mal: alright. Now we really should get going.
Lonnie (giving Mal the puppy eyes): oh just one more song? Please?
Mal: hmmmm. Oh go on then. But only if you join in. The others can get going.
Uma: and miss a chance to see you act stupid? Oh hell no.
(This is when âsomething badâ happens. After the song. Mal, Evie, Lonnie and Uma leave the store and see Ben, Doug, Gil and Ned waiting for them. No Jay, Carlos, Diego or Persey though)
Mal: hey you. Where are the others?
Ben: Jane dragged Jay and Carlos off to show off what she bought.
Doug: Diego and Persey went back home for dinner. Hexagon barbecue.
Gil: Quinn stalked off to shoot birds with her cards.
Ned: Chloe went back to her room.
Evie: now that youâre here could one of you please tell Mal that the dress she picked out just wonât do for a royal wedding?
Ben: sure. Mal. Evie can stuff it. Where what you want to. Itâs our day. Not hers. She doesnât get to decide. We do.
Doug: Iâm sorry. My hands are tied. But when we get married you can work your sister like a packmule to your hearts content.
Evie: Iâm still not convinced.
Mal: Iâm shocked(.) Are you guys shocked(?)
Lonnie: Dumb(.) Founded(.)
Uma: my timbers are still shivering(.)
Ned: I am completely and utterly stunned(.)
Gil: are you guys being sarcastic?
Map: look. E. You have your way of doing. And I have my way of doing things. And your way. Donât work for me. After all.
(This is when âanything goesâ happens)
