(Third film. After ākids in the darkā. The next morning. Malās still asleep next to Ben. Sheās still in quasi dragon form. Green, scaly skin, horns, tail, wings. The lot. Sheās dreaming. In the dream her and Ben are having their first dance at their wedding. This is when ābeautiful with youā happens. After the song. Mal is woken up from her pleasant dream by someone frantically knocking on the door)
Mal: okay, okay. Gimme a second. What is it?
Mal: oh god did Dude get into your opium stash again?
Carlos: no! Iāve hid it better this time.
Jay: we think that Evie thinks sheās pregnant with Dougās baby.
Mal: I fail to see the problem with that. If sheās in the pudding club then maybe sheāll finally get off my back.
Jay: no you donāt understand.
Ben (just waking up): oh hey. You kept to the bet.
Mal: I told you I would. And I donāt like lying.
Jay: listen! If Evieās up the duff. She will need to be hidden away. And if she isnāt. She canāt be for a long, long time.
Mal: Iāve literally just woken up. What the hell are you talking about?
Ben: oh yeah. Yeah that checks out. Sheās Malās little sister.
Mal (highly confused): Iām sorry?
Carlos: ever watched the crown?
Mal: I stopped when Matt Smith left.
Carlos: good. Then youāll know the protocol.
Ben: lemme try. Evie and Doug canāt get married or have more children until we get married and have more children.
Jay: and since you still havenāt set a date for it, despite being engaged for over a year now, Evieās going to be waiting a long, long time.
Mal: ooooh sheās not gonna like that. So um. How bad is the uh joy? Exactly?
Jay: take a look for yourself.
(He uses magic to create a projection screen. This is when āI believe in loveā happens. After the song. Mal is gobsmacked)
Mal: okay so this is bad.
Ben: can I ask a personal question?
Mal: sheās irregular. Something to do with childhood malnutrition. Same as most of the girls on the island.
Jay: howād you know that?
Mal: I had to share a bathroom with her a year and a half. I deserve a medal.
Carlos: what do we do about it?
Mal: j kinda wanna say itāll all blow over. Her and Dougās physiology arenāt compatible. Sheās a demigod-witch. Heās a half dwarf.
Jay: yeah but you gave everyone magic. Greek god magic. Including Doug.
Carlos: so. What do we do about it?
Mal: uuuuh. Is she actually pregnant or is she just feeling bloated from the cucumber sandwiches?
Jay: Carlos could scan her. Youāre closer to her. She wonāt yell at you. Probably.
Carlos: sure. And nope. She aināt pregnant.
Jay: oh thank fuck for that. Now whoās gonna tell her?
Ben, Mal and Carlos: not it!
Jay: you lot are so lucky I love you.
Ben, Mal and Carlos: we know.
Jay: oh. Before I forget. When are you getting hitched? Because we really need to start planning.
Jay: that only gives me a day!
Carlos: itās your coffee morning with the girls isnāt it?
Carlos: Iāll send Jane your way.
(He teleports away only to be replaced by Evie who immediately tries to take a swing at Mal. Who promptly ducks)
Evie: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!?!
Mal: LONNIE A LITTLE HELP!?!?
(Lonnie teleports in a punches Evie to the floor)
Mal: she canāt be pregnant before me. And if I have the numbers right. Neither can you.
Lonnie: really? Thatās it? Get it together E.
Evie: itās not fair. She gets to do everything first. She can get married first. She and Ben and have more kids before me and Doug. Before you and Gil. Doesnāt that bother you?
Lonnie: why would it? Thatās just how it works. Have you never watched the crown?
Evie: you know I stopped after Matt Smith left.
Lonnie: then you understand as well as Mal does that no matter how uncomfortable you both are with it. Mal and Ben are more important. Itās just the way it is.
Mal: yeah, yeah, yeah. You soooo difficult nowadays(.) Coffee?
Mal: regular or decaf. You know I donāt fuck around with that fake shit.
Mal: you know where it is. Hey Janey.
Jane: sorry Iām late. I slept so well last night I didnāt want to end.
Lonnie (chortling): I bet you did.
Mal: hey. Lonnie. Weāre all adults here. Donāt judge.
Lonnie: In that what youāre all dragony?
Mal: I lost a bet. And the forfeit is that I need to stay like this for a year or at least until I win a bet.
Lonnie: and since Ben is, ah, āgood at what he doesā....
Mal: Iāll be wearing my wings to the wedding.
Mal: now can we please have a nice, normal, coffee-
(Uma storms in and kicks the door shut)
(Uma rounds on her. This is when āI didnāt plan itā happens. After the song. Mal, Evie and Lonnie look confused. Jane is unimpressed)
Jane: you and Ned did it last night didnāt you?
Jane: no. But your reaction is. I had a bit of a funny moment too.
Lonnie: funny moment? We didnāt see you for a week?
Jane: I had a lot that I wanted to learn.
Uma: um. When did you uh....you know?
Jane: we were headed for the wake. I was upset. Jay and Carlos wanted to comfort me. Bing bang boom I had to replace my bedspread. Jays magic has a slight burning quality thatās actually quite attractive.
Mal and Lonnie (nodding in agreement): understandable.
Evie: Doug and I almost did it before all of you.
Lonnie (scoffing): really. When?
Evie: summer before cotillion. I got my first report card. All Aās. You know who always told me to thank a man for helping me. And that they only wanted one thing. So I tried to give Doug that one thing. Luckily for both of us he realised what I was doing and said no.
Uma: huh. Oh. By the way. Are all Auradonian men ah you know....
Mal: winners of the genetic lottery? Yes. Or at least Ben is.
Jane: so are my guys as well.
Uma: oh so itās not just Ned then.
Mal: no it is not. What are you guys doing later today around five?
Mal: well Uma take a rain check because Iām taking you lot shopping at Eudoraās Boutique.
Mal: because we have a year and a day to plan for Ben and mines wedding.
Evie: I can make all the dresses. And the suits.
Mal: Iām sure you can but youāre still going to do this for me. Just to pick out the designs and colours.
Mal: because you need a stencil. Need I remind you of my cotillion dress before I said I wanted it based on my motherās coronation dress? So youāll go with. Or....
Mal: or Iāll pick out your wedding outfit. Not anyone elseās. Just yours. And Iām thinking. Polyester leisure suit from a bargain bin.
Mal: I know. Who opened a waterfall?
Lonnie: sorry. Sāmy phone. Jane. Doug wants us in the council room. Letās go.
Mal: before I forget. Can you be my maid of honour?
Lonnie: like you even needed to ask.
Mal: best to double check.
Uma: Evie. Close your mouth cousin. You are not a codfish.
Doug: apart from mentally kicking myself because Evie thought she was pregnant. Not much.
Lonnie: so why did you text me?
Doug: there is one thing we didnāt think of when Mal et al restored Neverland.
Persey (entering dramatically with a really bad West Country accent): I believe I have the answer to that.
Doug: what did Ben say about walking into a room like Rasputin about to curse the Romanovs?
Persey (straightening up and smiling nervously): heheh. Sorry.
Ben: thatās alright. Whatās your plan?
Doug: besides killing them.
Lonnie: although I am not opposed to violence if you think itās necessary.
Persey: the answer dear Lizaās and Lennyās. Is. Quite simply. Fuck em.
Persey (enunciating): Fuck. Them. Screw them. Tell em where to stick it. Piss off. Go to hell. Eat shit and die and all that jazz.
Ben: thatās a lovely sentiment Perse. But I donāt think that we can do that.
Persey: au contraire iel frere. Youāre in charge. You make the rules. Itās like Iāve been saying for years.
(This is when āstick it to the manā happens. After the song. Persey heads off to the Bakerās restaurant where theyāre putting the finishing touches before the grand opening the next morning)
Anthony: yeah but this mashugana karaoke machine wonāt work.
Persey: Mashugana? Really? Youāre Catholic.
Anthony: mom wonāt let me swear before tomorrow and Carlos gave me the all clear.
Persey: okay then. Whatās wrong with it?
Anthony: I donāt know. A spring or something.
(They whack the machine with one hand and it hums into life)
Persey: there we go. Wanna try it out?
Persey: Andrew. Track 84 please.
(They head up to the stage. This is when āwe will rock youā happens. After the song. Persey greets Doug and Evie. Evie still looks furious)
Doug: Evie would like you to talk to me. I told her it wouldnāt make a difference. But she insisted.
Persey: about the pregnancy protocol? OOF!
(Evie just punched them square in the face)
Persey: you can call me a bitch if you want to. Itās alright.
Evie: you BITCH! Did you know?
Persey: be more specific.
Evie: donāt bullshit me Pantheon. DID YOU KNOW!
Persey: if youāre referring to the royal protocol that prevents you and Doug getting married and having more kids until Mal and Ben do. Then yes. I knew.
Evie: why didnāt you tell me?
Persey: I just assumed that Doug told you what with him being major-domo and all.
Doug: I did. Iāve told her repeatedly.
Evie: I thought you were joking.
Doug: why would I joke about something that affects us like this?
Evie: dammit. Good point. Oh god. This sucks.
Persey: well it donāt affect me. I donāt wanna get married and Iām on the fence about having kids. So. See ya tomorrow.
Evie: no I donāt. I just wish they were easier to deal with.
Doug: I know. Cāmon. Letās do some karaoke.
Evie: but we canāt do that until tomorrow.
Doug: good thing I write the rules then isnāt it? Anthony?
Doug: something classical please.
Anthony: coming right up.
(This is when āfly me to the moonā happens. After the song. Doug and Evieās couple moment is interrupted by Quinlan barrelling into the restaurant followed by Freddie and Diego)
Evie: oh god what have you done now Quinlan?
Freddie: believe it or not. Nothing itās what she wonāt do thatās the problem.
Doug: okay. What is it you wonāt do?
Quinn: go on a blind date with someone Freddie picked out.
Evie: how is it a blind date? All the girl you know already know you and are Lennon committed relationships.
Quinn: not just girls. Iām into boys as well.
Evie: oh okay. So you can strike out with both halves of the population then. Big day for you isnāt it?
Quinn: itās because of you I have to deal with her. You know that right?
Evie: donāt care. Now piss off. Doug and I were in the middle of something.
Quinn: just because you canāt get knocked up before your big sister does not mean that you get to take your anger out on me.
Evie: Doug. Sweetheart. Please hold my earrings.
(She screams like Rodan and lunges at Quinlan. What follows is a brief skirmish where indigo magic attacks red hot playing cards until Mal storms in and puts a stop to the fight by freezing them in midair)
Mal: that. Is. Enough. Evie. Go over there. Quinn. Go over there.
(She deposits them on separate sides of the room)
Mal: Doug. What happened?
Doug: Quinn ran her mouth and Evie attacked her.
Mal: you know what? Fair. Doug could go see Ben? He wanted to talk to you about some sort of form? Zoning I think.
Doug: ah yeah. Jays planning your engagement after party for August. We need those occupancy numbers. See you later honey.
Evie: see you later. So what now.
Mal: hold up. How did you know Iād be here?
Lonnie: Iām your maid of honour. Itās my job to know where you are every second of every day in the run up to the wedding.
Mal: you asked Carlos to track my phone didnāt you?
Lonnie: yeah. I think he owns my salary now.
Mal: he doesnāt. Trust me. He doesnāt. Anyway. Weāre about to go to Eudoraās. I take it that tagging along?
Evie: why? Iām not making the clothes. So why do I need to go with you?
Mal: because weāre getting the required recommendations so my bridal party will match. Otherwise youāll clash.
Evie: hah. You mean stand out.
Mal: no I mean clash. I know you sis. Youāll rock up in a white dress that puts Princess Grace to shame. Youāre going with us. Now.
Evie: urgh. Fine. Who else is going?
Mal: me, Lonnie, Quinlan and you. And Uma, Jane, Freddie and Maddox.
Evie: what? No Persey? Iām shocked(.)
Mal: they didnāt want to be in the bridal party. And I trust their judgment.
Quinn: Iām not going if your sisterās going.
Evie: and Iām not going if that is going.
(The bride and the maid of honour huddle up)
Lonnie: how do you wanna play this? Pied piper or just teleport?
Mal: pied piper. The walkāll do em good. And besides. A lil bit of ABBA never hurt anyone.
Lonnie: Agreed. Anthony. Track 520 please.
(This is when ādancing queenā happens. After the song. Evie tries in vain to push Malās head under the water. But she just teleports back onto the bridge and laughs in her sisterās face)
Evie: CRUEL! STUPID MEAN USELESS AND CRUEL!
Mal: well ya needed to cool off.
(Evie shrieks impotently)
Mal: now. Shall we go shopping?
(Mal teleports them, warm and dry, to Eudoraās Boutique. Sheās about lead the bridal party through the doors but Evie holds her arm out stopping her. Mal can practically feel the bad luck in the air)
Evie: ah bup bup. This is about haute couture. My area of expertise I think youāll find. Follow me gutter snipes. Follow me.
Uma: weāre gonna end up looking like circus folk arenāt we?
Mal (unravelling a roll of unlimited credit cards): she can if wants to but you wonāt. Now you heard the nutcase. Follow her. Iāll handle it. Now go.
(The rest of the girls head after Evie. Mal turns to a store attendant)
Mal: hi there. I called ahead. Mal Perrault. King Benās fiancĆ©. Iām here with my bridal party to discuss materials, colours and patterns. But my sister, the one with the blue hair and um. Loud handbag. Has gone a bit clothes crazy. Iāll corral her. But if possible could you please get the back of the store ready like I discussed with your manager?
Store attendant: of course Madame.
Mal: thank you. Iāll reimburse you for anything she touches.
Store attendant: of course Madame.
Mal: alrighty then. Letās go save my friends from my sisterās fashion sense. Again.
(She heads after Evie. This is when āthe good lifeā happens. After the song. Mal walks into the room to see her sister glowering at her)
Mal: very easily at it happens.
Evie: I was about to make snow angels in the handbags.
Mal: what are you? Three?
Evie: no. Nineteen. You know this. Iām a day younger than you.
Uma: can we get on with this please? Iāve nearly finished whatever this thing is.
Uma: Ccccinnabonnnnn. Why does it taste so good?
Freddie: they put cocaine in the sugar.
Freddie: no. Youāve been hanging around pirates for too long.
(Thereās a knock on the wall)
(A smiling boy with curly white hair and crystalline white eyes pops his head through the curtain)
Wesley: hello your highness. Are you ready for the drinks and pastries?
(Quinn gets up and walks towards Wesley only to get tripped up by Lonnie)
Mal, Lonnie, Jane, Freddie and Uma: no.
(He closes the curtain and opens it again before setting down trays of drinks and pastries on the platinum table)
Wesley: every alcoholic drink Mrs Rogers has in the store and pastries with white, milk and dark chocolate dipping sauce along with peanut butter and cinnamon dipping sauce and bacon sprinkles and peanut croutons for her highness because I know youāre a vegetarian. And of course. Every plate and bottle is self replenishing as requested.
Mal: thank you Wesley. Iāll ring if I need anything else.
(The others burst into laughter)
Evie: oh no sis. Full offence. Heās better than you. You canāt have him.
Quinn: youāre just mad because Iām more feminine than you.
Quinn: thereās no shame in admitting that youāre not girly. Iām just more girly than you are thatās all.
Mal: Nono. I wanna see if she can dig herself out.
(This is when āI enjoy being a girlā happens. After the song. Mal and Evie look wholly unimpressed with Quinnās antics)
Evie: right....anyway. Mal. We have got to talk about your wedding dress.
Mal: urgh. Not this again. Itās simple. Itās elegant. And the back swoops down low enough so I can have my wings out during the ceremony.
Evie: thatās the problem. Itās simple. Itās your wedding dress. Whereās the pomp and circumstance?
Mal: in your workshop where it belongs and most importantly away from me.
Evie: you have absolutely no taste whatsoever.
Mal: funny. I was just thinking of saying that to Doug.
(Freddie flicks her on the nose)
Freddie: eat your Cinnabon dear.
Evie: M. Please. Just give me 2-3 minutes tops to try and convince you and I promise you that I will never, ever stick my pool cue in again.
Mal: hmmmm. Okay. But Iām gonna hold you to it.
(She drags Mal out of the alcove and barks orders at the attendants before turning back to her sister with a deranged smile on her face. This is when āperfect isnāt easyā happens. After the song)
Chloe: yes. Um. That isnāt your wedding dress is it?
Mal: no. Thatās what my sister would like me to wear. My actual dress is a purple collarless version of Auroraās signature dress with purple, black and green swan feathers sewn into the skirts.
Chloe: awwww. But arenāt wedding dresses supposed to be white?
Mal: traditionally yes. But Iām Hadesās daughter getting married in a catholic cathedral. I donāt need to add Lying To God In His Own House to the list transgressions stabled against me on my wedding day.
Evie: At least wear a corset. It doesnāt look right otherwise.
Chloe: but the style of Malās dress doesnāt require a corset.
Chloe: How many layers are in the skirts?
Mal: two. The actual skirt and the feathers woven into it.
Chloe: no chicken wire frame to puff it out?
Chloe: does the bodice ah. Support um. Everything?
Chloe: then you donāt need a corset. Itās 2518 not 1825. If the dress doesnāt require it then donāt use it.
(The crazy theme starts playing)
Chloe: oh. Sorry. Thatās me. Yes? Hello Uncle Hank. Yes. Hm. Uh huh. I ca-no I know. Yes Uncle. Bye Uncle Hank.
Mal: your dadās uncle wants you to go and visit Chad doesnāt he?
Mal: you could you know. The embargo ended weeks ago.
Chloe: Iām not ready yet.
Evie: well when you are you can give him this apple from me.
(She holds out an apple thatās emitting a sickly green glow. Mal promptly takes it and smushes it on Evieās head causing her to pass out. Mal then uses telekinesis to kick her sister back into the alcove)
Mal: oh nothing. Just the sister of the future queen of Auradon trying to persuade a visiting princess that attempting a fraticidal assassination is a good idea in literally any way whatsoever.
Lonnie: business as usual then huh?
Mal: business as usual. Right. Has everyone found what they wanted? Designs, materials and all that? Good. Time to see it.
(This is when āfeel like a womanā happens. After the song. Mal takes the wares to the checkout with help from Chloe)
Wesley: got everything you were looking for?
Wesley: still having lunch here?
Mal: if we can. The Full Package if itās still available.
Wesley: go back to the alcove. Itāll be with you momentarily.
(On the way back to the alcove)
Mal (playfully): š¶you like him. You like himš¶
Mal: oh honey. You didnāt blink once when we were at the checkout.
Chloe: okay. You got me. I do like him. Heās my orientation buddy.
Mal: take your seat. Oh. Here we are. Ladies. Sister. Cousin. You are in for a treat.
(Wesley sets down the plethora of French food)
(Once theyāve had lunch, Freddie turns on the radio)
Mal: ooooh. I like this song. Turn it up turn it up.
(This is when āheaven knowsā happens. After the song. Mal checks her phone)
Mal: alright. Now we really should get going.
Lonnie (giving Mal the puppy eyes): oh just one more song? Please?
Mal: hmmmm. Oh go on then. But only if you join in. The others can get going.
Uma: and miss a chance to see you act stupid? Oh hell no.
(This is when āsomething badā happens. After the song. Mal, Evie, Lonnie and Uma leave the store and see Ben, Doug, Gil and Ned waiting for them. No Jay, Carlos, Diego or Persey though)
Mal: hey you. Where are the others?
Ben: Jane dragged Jay and Carlos off to show off what she bought.
Doug: Diego and Persey went back home for dinner. Hexagon barbecue.
Gil: Quinn stalked off to shoot birds with her cards.
Ned: Chloe went back to her room.
Evie: now that youāre here could one of you please tell Mal that the dress she picked out just wonāt do for a royal wedding?
Ben: sure. Mal. Evie can stuff it. Where what you want to. Itās our day. Not hers. She doesnāt get to decide. We do.
Doug: Iām sorry. My hands are tied. But when we get married you can work your sister like a packmule to your hearts content.
Evie: Iām still not convinced.
Mal: Iām shocked(.) Are you guys shocked(?)
Lonnie: Dumb(.) Founded(.)
Uma: my timbers are still shivering(.)
Ned: I am completely and utterly stunned(.)
Gil: are you guys being sarcastic?
Map: look. E. You have your way of doing. And I have my way of doing things. And your way. Donāt work for me. After all.
(This is when āanything goesā happens)
