Here’s a little teaser for an AU I’ve been working on for quite a while now! Feel free to ask any questions or anything, maybe one of these days I’ll actually finish it…
The one thing no one told you about the place between was how horrendous the lighting was.
Seriously, how was Zedeath supposed to make sure his hood was just the right degree of menacing in these conditions? Too menacing and he scared the souls away, but not menacing enough and he wasn’t taken seriously. It was a delicate balance and Zed had been struggling to find the perfect middle ground for the longest time.
And today of all days he really needed to make sure he got it right. Today was going to be the day. He had been trying to reap this one human off and on for nearly a month now and every time he had failed.
It was quite cartoonish actually, and Zed would be laughing if he wasn’t so annoyed. It was like one of those cartoons where the character gets completely flattened by an anvil and then walks away like nothing happened. Just replace the cartoon character with a mailman, the anvil with an air conditioner, the flattening with a broken arm, and the walking away with a trip to the hospital. At that point the metaphor started to dissolve… but still.
Zed was done playing around. This mailman was going to die today whether he liked it or not. In all likelihood the mailman would in fact not like the experience, but then again reapers weren’t exactly known for their customer service.
He began polishing his crook, careful not to nick his finger on the sharp edges.
This time, the metaphorical air conditioner was not going to miss. Or wouldn’t the anvil be the metaphor and the air conditioner the thing it was metaphor-ing?
The point was, Zed was going to get that soul one way or another. It was a task long overdue, and Zed wasn’t going to fail again.
That mailman had already gotten a month’s worth of extra life, certainly he couldn’t be mad after Zed had done him such a favour?
Alright, enough stalling. It was time to do this. Zed took a deep breath. He didn’t exactly need to breathe, partial corporeality and all. But still, the action was calming, comforting. Similar to how it worked for the living.
Zed flipped his crook over in his hands a few times. Now it really was enough stalling. Hopefully his hood was the exact right amount of menacing.
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Alt Hermit day!!! This is not in the au of the hermit-specific prompts, this is more... General Hermitcraft fic, I suppose.
By which I mean last year I recognised the skin used for Mystery Hermit and went 'hmm I wonder if I can do something with that?'. This year I am no longer asking, I am DOING. So please, give it up for Zedeath and his delightful minions - MorbidMoon, RenTheGrim, and EthosEnd!
References to MCD, but in the silliest and least permanent ways possible.
And, especially as this is a charity event inspired fic, please do check out @hermitadaymay for details on their fundraiser.
Ficlet below the cut!
The first problem with having associates is knowing what to call them; associate is too clinical, and colleague a reminder of work. Friend is overly presumptuious, junior sounds American, and apprentice gives the false impression that they may be being paid. These ones certainly aren't bosses or doctors, though Zedeath does a fine Bugs Bunny impression if you ask him while tipsy, and servant leads to unrealistic assumptions of wages.
Depending on the job, the ideal terminology can vary. Zedeath, in all his spooky glory, personally prefers minions. Zedlife's little friends, doing a little community service in return for Zedeath paying a blind eye, and allowing them to keep living their lives.
Really, skimming over the current batch of trainee reapers, Zedeath is just glad he isn't seeing repeat customers this year.
"Good morning, gentlehermits," he greets them with a bored voice and sarcastic clap, the exact motions and words that his living counterpart might use, corrupted. "You have been summoned here because, in the past year, you have died. I, however, have a little deal with your friend Zedaph; he has gathered three of your friends, who will attempt to guess who you are. You will be silemced, and confined to specific tasks and arenas. Be guessed, and you may return to your lives, no harm done."
Pearl puts up her hand, all polite.
Zedeath points to her "yes?"
"And if they don't guess us?"
"Oh, you can go back to life then too," Zedeath dismisses the idea with a wave of his hand. "It's just about the drama. I used to just let you go, but the other deaths started getting annoyed. So, community service."
"How is this community service?"
Zedeath shrugs, "that's Zedlife's area. I just herd you."
Rendog sniggers; when glared at, he clears his throat and asks something utterly unrelated to why he was amused.
"Lord Zedeath of the Dead," he says, as dramatic as Zedlife had warned. "Do we also get cool nicknames? Can I be RenTheGrim?"
"Sure." Zedeath... Zedeath could not care less about what these soon to be living ghosts get up to. "You will have to wear uniforms for the event, though; we can't have your actual appearances give you away."
With a swoop of his hand, he reveals three more versions of his own robes, just dyed in various colours - midnight blue, dried-blood red, and... dark green.
His minions sumarily igore it.
"I could be- no, that doesn't work..." Pearl mutters to herself, before finally snapping her fingers. "MorbidMoon! Etho? What about you?"
"EthosEnd."
... Zedeath would call him out for having his name inside the nickname, but then again, he would rather not have the torture of Expirema (bad) or CorpseFan135 (worrying) again. At least Tanstop was so terrible it was funny.
"Whatever you want," Zedeath says, despite knowing that between the names and coloured robes even his boomingly deep voice cannot save his reputation. "Just get dressed. Zedlife nearly has your detectives ready, and I still have to show you to purgatory."
"Is that what we're calling minigames now?" EthosEnd asks, clearly amused. "Purgatory?"
"What else would you called Decked Out?" MorbidMoon replies, flippant. "Queen of Purgatory has a good ring to it."
"No," Zedeath corrects. "That's hell."
"Even better!" She cheers. "Queen of Hell it is!"
"I'll beat you this time," EthosEnd corrects. "And then there shall be a KING of Hell!"
"You wish!"
Zedeath zones them out, focusing instead on RenTheGrim. Unfortunately for him the man is just as, if differently, dramatic, and stood there... practicing voices?
"I am... DEATH! MWAHAHAHA!"
"That's my line," Zedeath keeps his seething possessiveness beneath a booming monotone.
"Oh, sorry dude, I was just practicing. With these funky robes and all, I though I should get into character, you know?"
Zedeath, frequently tempted to do the same by his own robes, knows exactly.
Still he pretends to be above such things.
"No."
"Oh..."
"Regardless, you will not be able to speak during this affair, RenTheGrim - any of you, my minions," Zedeath raises his voice just a little, catching attention.
"But-"
A nudge from elsestairs.
"No more questions," Zedeath interrupts, lacing together the silencing spell. "Now, go through that curtain; your challenge awaits."
They clearly try to say goodbye, fail, and then wave instead. MorbidMoon drags the other two to the curtain with her, and then they are gone.
Zedeath turns, and flops onto his settee, flicking on the tv so as to watch the nonsense about to unfold.
Another successful year of avoiding his deathly duties, and here's to many more of them.
I fear I am also not immune to crackships either so.. I'll say.. polygods? Life pt.1 God Joe, God of life pt.2 Philza, Death goddess Kristin, and dead Souls god Zed.
They need to have talks. Unrequited feelings. All of it.
Have Joe and Phil start dating each other cuz they can't have who they truly want because it's looked down on. Zed and Kristin become really good friends to the point where they've started fake dating so people won't ask about their crushes. They all end up finding out that they love each other (-joe who's respectfully choosing to date Zed only)
Joe works late night, not because he needs to or anything. He just do because that's just your average Joehills, even if he is a teeny tiny bit of tired. After several nights of just working, he often hallucinate a figure in dark cloak with their face hidden that somehow talked him to sleep.
Zedeath on the other hand, is making sure Joe doesn't die of overworking... And maybe after years of doing that, they might have been enchanted by the way Joe plays with words like poems and his hilarious traits.
They seem to be more endearing the more tired he is (and perhaps the closer to death he is... Zedeath wouldn't be surprised if that's just his biases coming in though).
Can.. Can i request a crackship? If so, Joehills x Zedeath (not Zedaph, Zedeath)
We ain’t going to talk about how I struggled to find who zedeath was because whenever i searched him up some anime girl kept popping up 😭 then I struggled with his colours since he’s literally just black and dark grey lmao
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So, in my pinned post I list my headcanons for various hermits, and I’ll admit my Zedaph one is vague. So, here’s some clarification.
Zedaph is an entity from the fifteenth dimension that happened to fall into hermitcraft through a rip in reality caused by a hermit messing around with that sort of thing. (You decide who.) He is technically death. (Zedeath my beloved) And has a scythe and everything. He is both an eldritch being and the grim reaper. Got it? Great!
Zed is not one thing. Zed is lots of things. That’s what happens when you get brought to a lower dimension. Zedaph is just Zedaph, Zedeath is kinda like the personality he wears at work. Not really him, just him with a few tweaks. A deeper voice, a hidden face, a slightly less chaotic presence.
I thought about Zedeath a few months ago and wrote something in a frenzy so have it
Sad thing, really, dying. It happens to a lot of people, including you! As that’s the only possible way one would ever view this tape.
Yes, when you got to the station an attendant inserted the vhs, hit rewind, waited a few agonizing minutes, then hit play. And now we’re here!
Before the informative tape truly begins: Sorry, there really isn’t a kinder way to tell you you’ve died. However! I can in fact make what comes next a liiiittle better. Or, well, easier to navigate.
Welcome, to the whole being dead thing! With your host!
…
Zedaph?
Yes! That’s right! Zedaph! We had to update our tapes and the old host well. He’s living inside Joe Hills body. Which sounds odd! But if you know Joe Hills, it really isn’t. (Though the Jhost rhymes much better in the intro than Zedaph.)
Before your train arrives I’m going to give you a run down on how the afterlife works to make your travel a lot less confusing, and a little more exciting! How’s that you may ask? I’m going to lead you through all possible routes, and send you on your way to let fate choose where you end up!
Now.
YOU ARE HERE!
I had to yell it because that’s how the map wrote it. My apologies.
But you are here, in the train station. I know, rather crowded. And honestly looks a bit more like a subway than a train station but who cares! You’re dead!
Now, this is akin to a… a purgatory. You want a chance to be brought back be it by way of communication, false gods, forced reincarnation, zombifying, skelefying, second coming, etc. you will stay here. But be warned! Time moves much, much much much faster here than it did on earth. And if you stay you’ll possibly be here for hundreds and thousands of years before anything happens, and you’ll just have to deal with my lovely, lovely voice until then! Over and over as these tapes keep playing! And even then it’s not guaranteed you’ll be returned to your old self! So make sure you have a way out before you wait thousands of years for naught!
For those who have accepted their fate, you need not wait too long to get this over! Once an hour on the hour a train will appear on the tracks. No you can’t double die by jumping in front of it. Yes I’ve tried, just to see what would happen. You bounce off and honestly it’s a bit fun but the conductors will get mad at you. Unless it’s Yuuki. Lovely miss.
The trains travel to all of the afterlife, taking you from near the living realm alllll the way to the darkest depths of the universe. (Don’t go there, hear it’s awfully cold this time of year.) Each train comes with its own driver, chat them up! Ask about their hobbies! Being dead is a lonely job! (For example: Yuuki loves trains. Dream job alert!!)
You’ll enter the train and find a seat. Don’t worry! There’s plenty of space for you here! Each train extends for forever once you climb aboard, pick a seat and watch the scenery go by!
After you take your seat, you’ll be taken to our second stop, the judging.
Basically: we’re on the lookout for anyone with a spirit crime under their belt. If you have an outstanding warrant for your ghost arrest that should have arrived in the mail before your passing. If you never got a letter, no need to fear! You won’t be arrested. Yay!! No ghost jail for you!
After we’re clear of any criminals, we lead to the Judging. (Capital J, very different!)
This is where you choose your afterlife! If you want it to be chosen for you, you can let your soul be weighed to get a chance to go to a very wonderful place I like to call Mr cloud faces puffy fluffy dance party. Christians call it heaven. On the opposite end of that coin toss is Hell. Or as I call it: Hell.
(Sidebar real quick, some people get Hell confused with Hels, and while they’re similar, Hels is a dimension that holds the warped you, or your Hels, a being with only the worst parts of you. Hell is about as hot as Arizona with less hot dads and more old people.)
But if you’re not a fan of chance, there’s other options to choose from!
Reincarnation: choose to become something new! You’ll lose the memories of this run and be sent back to earth as someone new, you’ll only retrieve those memories when you return here. Keep in mind while it sounds great, your loved ones may be waiting for you elsewhere. Just keep it in mind. Oh! And you can also be born as just about anything that can breathe. You know what that means? Aw, man!
Over here is the neutral zone. Not heaven or hell but a third option. It’s just kinda chill honestly. Either you were perfectly neutral in your good or bad balance OR you don’t want to live in the dance party or hell flames. It’s just average.
This here is a place not many go to. It’s your choice to surrender your time back to the universe.
Life essence is fragile. It is strange. No one has figured how it works. But it’s necessary. It’s everywhere. It’s beautiful.
If you’re tired. If you’re done. If you’ve done this a million times and just want to be finished? This door is here. Rest well my friend. Remember, you are the universe. You are love.
That or you could gamble with a reaper for your life back! Yes! We have a room for this! It’s simple. Game of choice. Play it. Win or lose. Either go home or choose another door. Please choose this if you’d like I have so much fun with card games Tango taught me this neat trick with the car-
Oh gods I’m getting told to hurry THERES HUNDREDS OF OPT-
Uhm..! Sorry about that! Carrying on!
If you have a place you were looking forward too after death, be it a wish for religious places or haunting or anything of the sort, there’s a way there. Once you reach your conclusion and get your ticket, go back to the train, check where you’re heading, get off at your station.
And trust me, no one minds if you aren’t ready to get off the train yet. Eternity is a very long time. It’s daunting. If you aren’t ready, stay seated. Have another go around the track, have as many as you need. Our ferry is free.
Now. Your train will be arriving here soon. Listen to it chugging down the tracks!
And remember!
The universe says, I love you.
The universe says, you have played the game well.
The universe says, everything you need is within you.
The universe says, you are stronger than you know.
The universe says, you are the daylight.
The universe says, you are the night.
The universe says, the darkness you fight is within you.
The universe says, the light you seek is within you.
The universe says, you are not alone.
The universe says, you are not separate from every other thing.
The universe says, you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code.
The universe says, I love you, because you are love.
Here comes the train now, my friends, have a good rest of the end of your life!
