#zdislava

I paused, but didn’t look at them any more than I already wasn’t. “What?”

Seb sniffed a laugh. “This Wigbert kid. Things will go a lot smoother once you admit that you have a crush on him.”

“I do not.” I returned to my armor. “I love you.”

“Both can be true, love,” Seb chuckled. “You can love me and still crush on him.”

“I don’t get crushes on people,” I tried instead.

“No, you usually don’t,” Seb agreed casually. “Which makes this all the more endearing.”

Wasn’t Seb supposed to get mad? Possessive? Maybe even feel inadequate, considering I couldn’t pull my thoughts off another man despite our sex and intimacy? I’d only begun flirting with Wigbert and Imperia to get them hot and bothered.

Seb twisted to sit up at the edge of the bed. “Apologize to him, love. I think you blew your chance, but an apology is a great place to start making amends if he’s willing.”

“We can work together fine,” I grumbled. I was still unclear what had been wrong that day. The one that completely changed the way Wigbert looked at me.

“I’m sure,” Seb said. “That isn’t what I meant.”

“What else do you mean?” I found my dagger to belt it on. I didn’t need my sword.

“What else -? You’re not that dense.”

I turned to Seb, giving them my full attention. “You want me to – have a relationship with him?”

Seb stood to hold me at arm’s length. A soft smile settled on their face. “Yes. I want you to ask him out. On a date. A proper fucking date, Malxir. You owe him that if he accepts.”

“Don’t you love me?”

“Yes. And I want to watch you fall in love again.”

“With him?”

“It’s so much more intimate this way.” Seb was serious. “I get to watch you fall all over again, but I’m already here.” They brought me in against them, cupping my face. “We already love each other. No uncertainty. Don’t you get it?”

“You’re not supposed to want me to love a different man,” I mumbled. “Aren’t you afraid I’ll love him more? Love him instead?”

“No.” Seb said it with such conviction. “I trust you. With my mind, body, and whatever is left of my soul. If you leave me, it’s not because of some other man. It’s because it’s what’s right for you.” They leaned in to touch foreheads, their lips hovering over mine. “Apologize to him. And if you don’t know why you’re apologizing, tell him I told you to because you’re a fucked up little shit that deserves a second chance. He was coming on to you, even after how you met.”

“He was?”

Seb chuckled and took me in for a short kiss. “Maybe you are that dense.” They kissed me again, taking their time to make it so sensual and intimate. I felt a little piece of my break off with them when they let me go.

“I’m keeping you late. Apologize. I’m not saying it’s going to fix things, but it’ll show that you want to try. And for fuck’s sake, don’t jump the boy’s bones again. I don’t think he likes cock.”

“Then what’s the point?” I didn’t want mine, either.

“He’s a romantic, love. That’s why he’s so sweet. Now go.” Seb stepped to open the door for me. They physically ushered me through. Naked as they were, they didn’t care whom may have earned a glance before they shut the door behind me.

Confusion and contradictory thoughts swirled through my head on my way to Danver’s. Surely this had to be some sort of ploy. Seb had to have been orchestrating my coming on to Wigbert to illustrate why I should let them fuck Theo. Never mind I’d already told Seb that I should learn to get over their fucking with him. They had never fallen in love with anyone else between Gabe and then. Except for me. But they insisted that everything had to be my idea first anymore.

I accepted that I wasn’t entirely enough for Seb. I understood why they did what they did, to a degree. This new layer only served to confound.

I hated Danver’s meetings. They were far too frequent for such lack of pertinent information. They felt long and boring and I never had anything to contribute. My stake in the city and its well-being was negligible. If it went to the hells, Seb’s quest for vengeance would be rendered obsolete, and the two of us would move on without a second thought. Danver took his business far too seriously.

I went anyway. Seb needed me to, if we were to kill the priest that ordered Gabe’s death. If Seb were to ever stop falling into the position of prey. Granted, a god hunted Seb down for their resumed fealty, but for the moment, the tangible adversary was a simple man. No, a powerful man. A man nonetheless. He could die.

Everything else was superfluous. All Danver’s meetings were was something else. He briefly asked after Seb’s health and healing progress, and then commenced on bullshit I didn’t have any connection to.

I stared after Wigbert during the meeting. I felt apprehensive, for whatever reason. I knew we could get along. We’d spent plenty of time together in Danver’s adventures and Wigbert’s chivalrous walks to my door. He didn’t so much as look at me in the last meeting after I tried to tempt him to bed. It wasn’t my fault he froze without understanding what to do.

Wigbert pointedly ignored me until Danver wrapped up his monologue. He left the building quickly, though he ended up waiting for me outside.

“You could at least pretend you care for something outside of yourself,” Wigbert said when I hesitated to talk to him.

A tightness nestled in my throat. “I’m doing this for Sebazin,” I said sadly in defense. I wasn’t supposed to want anything for myself. It was usually too messy.

Wigbert pursed his lips. He stood square and strong, his arms crossed over his chest. “What do you want?” He was so hostile. This was pointless. His trust had been shattered.

“Seb told me to apologize. For last week. I-I don’t know what I did wrong. But I’m sorry it … hurt you.” Did it hurt him? He acted like I had.

“You don’t even know what you did wrong?”

“No! I’m supposed to make people comfortable. I’m supposed to make people like you relax. I wanted to make things better for you and I thought -” I looked away, down the street, hugging myself under the cloak “-I thought you were … I thought it was okay.”

Wigbert was quiet long enough that my gaze wandered back to him. He studied me contemplatively. “What make you think it was okay to touch me?”

My breath caught in my throat the moment I opened my mouth to respond. “You didn’t leave. You didn’t … stop … me.” He’d stopped me before. I knew he could do it.

“I shouldn’t have to stop you.”

Oh. That was how it was supposed to work? An explicit invite? But in practice, that was never how it worked. The right way both Wigbert and a little bit of Seb adhered to didn’t make any sense.

I looked away again. My shoulders pulled in to shield me. “I didn’t know,” I whispered. “Can we try again? I don’t – I’m sorry.”

“Try what again?”

“What we had.” I didn’t like the look in his eye when I tried to meet them again. “I like you. I liked … that. Before.”

“I’m sorry, but no.”

My stomach plummeted. Bile rose to my throat. I had thought – Seb made me think this could be fixed. “I’ll ask,” I said. “I’ll let you lead. Always.” I usually did anyway.

“No. I’ve seen the company that you keep.”

“Sebazin?” What did they have to do with this?

“Go back to them, Malxir. And if you can’t. If they’re threatening you, maybe the next bloke that lets you warm his bed won’t be so bad. It won’t be me.”

“Wigbert -” He wasn’t being fair. Not to me. Not to Seb.

Wigbert shouldered past me. “I’ll work with you, but whatever you think we had isn’t anything you understand or ever will. Don’t make me take this to Danver. Accept what happened with grace.” Wigbert walked off down the road without letting me get in another word. I stared after him, wallowing in the poor feeling he left behind.

“Why do you dishonor your lover by pursuing another?” Zdislava’s voice made me jump. I typically kept tabs on my surroundings, but I missed her standing in the doorway of Danver’s meeting house.

“I’m not!”

Lav scoffed. “I would cut off Danver’s hands if he tried half of your antics. Leave them out of our business.”

“This wasn’t your business,” I snapped.

“Conducted on our stoop? Behave, Malxir, before you make me teach you how.”

I’d had quite enough of that in my life already. I threw her one more petulant look before returning home to Seb. The sting of Wigbert’s rejection settled in over Lav’s affront by the time I made it back inside.

I didn’t look at Seb. I closed the door, turned my back on them, and wrenched at te ties on my belt and armor to remove them. I wasn’t sure how well I could hold myself together if I saw their expression. Seb didn’t say anything.

I threw my cloak haphazardly where it belonged. My knife and armor followed. I moved to untie the gambeson, but my fingers ran into Seb’s instead. I froze and stared at them.

Ever gently, Seb turned me around and wrapped me into their arms. I didn’t have a choice but to become enveloped in their embrace. It suited me well.

“How do you find trouble in the confines of your own living space?” Danver asked.

“Not on purpose, I assure you,” I said. I ignored Lav next to Danver, as I usually did. She still didn’t like me and I had no idea how to deal with her.

Danver flipped through the pages of the notebook, eyes skimming the words only he could read. “And Sebazin thinks this man is dead?” He squinted at me, scrutinizing.

I shrugged. “A hunch off their history with the clan?”

“What are you planning to do with the child if he is, in fact, dead?”

“I’m not – I don’t know. Seb didn’t tell me when I asked.” I bit my lip. “They’re really good with her. I’m afraid they’ll want to keep her.”

Danver leaned forward. “What do you want to do with her?”

I felt an unwelcome panic. “I don’t know. Drop her off somewhere? Start locking our door?” Lav snickered at that. Wigbert had told the group about how he walked in on us, mostly as a warning to Imperia after she took over running messages for Danver. I was certain he’d stayed true to his word and didn’t mention my … mistake.

“I did not expect Sebazin to be the moral one between you two,” Danver muttered. “Or have any morals, really.”

I pulled my brow together. “Hey.” I wasn’t stupid. Yet people loved to treat me as such.

Danver didn’t rise to my offense. He flipped through the journal again, lost in thought. “What are your plans to find this man and confirm him dead? Or rescue him, I suppose?”

“We didn’t know until we could read that journal,” I admitted. We didn’t have the beginning of a plan.

“And now you know. Did the journal help?” Danver didn’t know how little information we were working off of.

“Not me. I need to finish telling Seb what you read me.”

Danver’s eyes seemed to look straight through me. “Sebazin wasn’t planning on staying low and leaving this to you, were they?”

No point in lying. I couldn’t lie this point blank. Especially not with the amount of knowing that weighed in on Danver’s voice. “No.”

Danver closed his eyes and shook his head. “Did they really want my help?” he muttered.

“Yes,” I said quickly. “But I am not the kind of fighter that can handle shit going sideways. I am an assassin, Danver. Rescue is not my thing.”

“Reconnaissance is,” Lav pointed out.

“Yes, and that’s how we’ll start,” I said, grateful for the little bone. “How I’ll start. Once we know where to start.” I pressed my lips together. I had no idea where to look next. I did want Mila gone, though. I liked the routine Seb and I had without her. I missed being naked. I missed the sex. Seb wouldn’t touch me with her there.

Danver shook his head. “No. It’s about the end of the time Sebazin asked for anyway. Two months. Fetch them. Be back in an hour. Lav, would you test them?”

“Gladly,” she said.

“Test them how?” I asked.

“A fight,” Lav said.

“A-a sword fight? A fist fight?” Seb was a lot more versatile than I was, but they’d also relinquished their sword to Loviatar.

A smile settled on Lav’s lips. It was unsettling. “No armor. I’ll provide the weapons. I want them to feel every bruise.”

“They’ll – you know – actually like that,” I said with unfounded nervousness.

“Me as well.” Lav stood from her chair, still smiling. “I look forward to this match.”

I stood quickly, my anxiety getting the better of me. “You can’t – they’re not going to be their best. They’ve been recovering from dying for the past couple months. You can’t go full strength.”

“Are they not to be a worthy opponent?” Lav asked with amusement.

“You can hurt them. They’ll expect it. But don’t break them. Please?” I knew how hard Lav fought.

“After all this time with us, and you still don’t trust us?” Danver asked. He stood and handed the journal back to me. “You’re running out of time.”

Right. I had an hour. Without wasting any more of it, I navigated the streets to home. I didn’t waste time in assessing the state of activities between Seb and Mila. “Danver wants to test you against Zdislava,” I announced.

Seb stared at me with a dumbfounded expression. “What?”

“Are you ready to fight Zdislava?”

“No. What? Slow down.” Seb stumbled to their feet to grab my arms. “What are you talking about?”

“What was I supposed to tell Danver when he asked me why we needed this journal translated?” I tossed it over to our table, watching it skid across the wooden top.

“You’re not making sense, Mal.” One hand released my arm to grasp my jaw, turning my face to theirs. “What is going on?”

I jerked my face out of their fingers. “He wants to test you if you’re planning on leaving our home.”

Understanding dawned behind Seb’s eyes. “Oh. That’s what you mean. Not really - okay.” They sniffed. “He knows everything then?”

“Yeah.” I broke eye contact to stare holes into the floor. “He wants you back within the hour. He’s halfway across the city, Seb.”

Seb gestured to Mila watching us placidly during our infernal conversation. “He knows we have a child to take care of, right? What the fuck.” They paced over to their pack, grumbling. “I’ll drop whatever I’m doing for him. Why not?” Stooping down, they pulled out the clothes they’d packed back away after our trip to Mila’s home. “Would you dress Mila, love?”

“No armor,” I said. I received a grunt in reply.

There wasn’t a lot to do with Mila. She looked after Seb plaintively as I worked with her to get all the right clothes on her to keep her warm, but she did as I asked. Seb ended up taking a few seconds longer to get completely dressed.

“Where are we going?” Mila asked me, staring up at me with her big eyes.

“We’re going to see people I work with,” I said. “We’re going to watch Seb fight.”

Seb muttered under their breath, sticking to infernal. “Haven’t fucking moved in months, but sure. This is a great idea.” They scooped Mila into their arms, holding her tight against their torso and under their cloak. “Bring a child to a spar. Nothing can go wrong.” When I fixated on them, standing still at the door, Seb said, “What? Did he think we were leaving a child unattended while you showed me where you’ve been operating out of the past couple months?”

“You’re in a bad mood.” I really thought they’d like the idea of getting to move again. They were wistful about it before the depression sunk in and then Mila showed up in our home.

“Does it matter? Go.”

I led the way, Seb keeping pace with me every step of the way. Mila made comments periodically in halfling to which Seb responded, but her expression suggested they were being as curt with her as they’d been to me. When we reached the place of meeting, Danver was absent, but the rest of his team waited.

Danver did most of his business within a small, stone building, but it had an open space beside it. It wasn’t large, enough to accommodate a gathering of a few people. But it was a perfect space for sparring. A short rock wall separated it from the road and most of the snow enclosed was still intact. It wasn’t trodden and dirty like the snow in the street.

“You made good time,” Lav commented.

Seb set Mila down and pushed her towards me. “Keep an eye on her,” they said. What was I supposed to do with her? I regarded her distastefully, but set my hand on top of her head. I still needed to reach down for that. She was tiny.

“This is a little rushed, don’t you think?” Seb asked. They unclipped their cloak from around their shoulders and tossed it onto the stone fence. Crossing their arms over their chest, they approached Lav.

“Were you not planning for a battle soon anyway?” Lav inquired in reply. She paced over to the building wall and grabbed a quarterstaff. Without looking, she tossed it in Seb’s direction. They caught it deftly as she reached for her own. “You’re meant to be an asset, Sebazin. You can’t be that if you die because you’re not ready.”

Seb tested the quarterstaff in their hands before swinging it around themselves in some practiced – almost a dance. I’d only seen them handle Alice’s staff for her once or twice years before and had no idea they’d known how to actually use it. Lav watched Seb critically. I prodded Mila to follow me to join Wigbert and Imperia on top of the wall. Mila sat happily in my lap.

“Do you mind if I take a minute?” Seb asked Lav.

“By all means,” she said.

Seb had a sequence of movements they went through daily after their morning stretches. This was different. They had more space to move and a tool in their hand. It fascinated me to watch them as they familiarized themselves with the footing and their current bodily limits. Even after all their time off, they moved smoothly and in complete control of themselves. It was beautiful. They were a moving work of art.

Tapping the end of the quarterstaff into the snow, Seb turned to Lav. “Ready.”

Lav didn’t give Seb a moment to reconsider. She attacked swiftly, bringing herself within range in a blink of an eye. Somehow, Seb was ready for her. They brought up their staff and blocked her attack with ease, throwing her momentum to the side. She shifted her grip, and the next hit landed square in Seb’s chest. They stumbled, opening themselves up for an even harder blow near the same spot.

Wigbert winced on the other side of Imperia. His hand gripped harder at the stone below his seat. Imperia chewed on her lip. Mila craned her neck up to look at me. “Why is she hitting Seb?” she asked.

“She’s testing them,” I said. “Seb said she could do this.” Seb threw off Lav’s next hit with their upper arm, but still took the hit to their body to do so. They tried to straighten up, giving up ground to do so, but they couldn’t fend her off.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yes. She’s hurting them.” I noticed them try to block her with offense, but failed. Twice. They didn’t have the footing and they didn’t have the grip on their weapon. They were a sink hole for Lav’s attacks.

Mila stared back at the fight. Taking to the ground, Seb managed to slip around Lav through a follow-up swing. With that brief opening, they landed their own hit to her hip. It didn’t slow her down. She spun to meet Seb again, swinging past their defenses. Seb took it, but they also managed to exchange blows better than before.

Mila wiggled in my lap, whimpering. “Are you cold?” I asked.

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

Seb lost ground, but not as quickly. The problem arose when they couldn’t catch their breath, unused to the activity. Their ribs were hit. The air was cold. They hadn’t been active for months, recovering from an injury that directly affected their breathing.

“I don’t like her hurting Seb.” For lack of any better ideas, I ended up pulling Mila’s head into my chest under my cloak to cover her eyes. She protested, trying to fend me off, but she was too small to do much about it.

All in all, it didn’t take Lav very long to drive Seb against the opposite wall with the end of her staff poised at their throat. Seb dropped their staff in defeat.

“I expected you to be better,” she commented dryly. She dropped her stance, stepping away.

“Thanks,” Seb wheezed. They bent their knees and held themselves up with their back against the wall, opening their throat with their face to the sky to better suck in air. “Oh fuck.”

Mila successfully batted my hands away. She pulled the curtain of my cloak aside and clambered onto the top of the wall beside me. “I want to see,” she pouted at me.

“They didn’t last very long,” Imperia muttered to Wigbert.

Lav watched Seb struggle to catch their breath, her characteristic frown loudly present. “Are you open to suggestions?”

“No,” Seb said.

Imperia elbowed me softly. “Have you battled with Sebazin before?” she asked.

“For years.” Skepticism coated her face. “They died a few months back, okay? They’re not used to this anymore.”

“They can take a hit, that’s for sure,” Wigbert commented. “They’re still standing.”

“Sort of,” Imperia said.

Seb pushed away from the wall to precariously stand. They took a couple more breaths and paced the ground. Lav watched with a careful eye. Once their breathing evened out, they hooked the toe of their boot under their loaned staffed and launched it into their hand. Their attention settled back on Lav. “Again.”

Lav lifted an eyebrow. “The outcome will not be different,” she said.

“I’m not expecting it to be.”

Lav shrugged and lifted her staff to televise her attack. Seb batted it quickly aside, but just as before, her second swing hit them square in the ribs. Seb pulled back from it. They barely managed to catch a third swing with their own staff, but lacked the strength to hold her back. Her staff reached their shoulder and landed hard. It brought Seb crashing to their knees. That didn’t stop them. They toppled Lav to the ground, giving them enough time to stagger back to their feet. Seb waited for her to stand. Took a moment to find their equilibrium again.

“Seb doesn’t have much left,” Wigbert commented. “They can’t get a hit in.”

As soon as the words left Wigbert’s mouth, Seb smacked Lav in the thigh. Then shoulder. They brought the staff around to the other side, but wood met wood rather than flesh. Lav reminded Seb of a hit she’d already landed with a second. She aimed for another strike, but Seb held up their hand, dropped the staff again, and clutched at their shirt where she’d hit.

“Enough,” they choked. “I can’t – I can’t …” They staggered back, dropped to their knee, and then their ass in the snow. “I can’t.” They buried their face into their hands, breaths coming hard and fast again.

Lav moved like Seb hadn’t retaliated at all. She dropped her threat, sticking the end of the staff into the snow at her feet. “That was much worse,” she said.

Mila clutched my armor and shook it. Her eyes swam when I met them. “Is Seb okay?”

“Yes, they’re okay,” I said. They looked terrible. “They’re done now, Mila. The fight’s over.”

“That wasn’t really a fight,” Imperia said. “That was a beating.”

“Why were we doing this?” Wigbert asked.

“Danver didn’t say,” Imperia answered. I bit my lip. Seb was better than this.

Imperia jumped from the wall and knelt down beside Seb. She placed a hand gently on their back, leaning in to their face. I didn’t hear her words. Whatever they were, Seb wasn’t having anything to do with it. They physically brushed her off.

“I suggest you do not follow through with your plans,” Lav said to Seb. Imperia came back to lean against the half wall on the other side of Wigbert.

“What plans?” Seb stared blearily up at her. “We don’t have any plans.”

“You are planning to keep the child, then?”

Seb’s eyes rolled briefly into the back of their head before they turned them to me and Mila. “That would complicate things.”

Lav tapped her finger against her staff, thinking. “You should meet me back here daily. You’re out of shape.”

“You think?” Seb sniffed. They wavered. Buried their head back into their hand. “Yeah. I’ll be back.” They groaned. “Just – oh, damn I’m getting too fucking old for this.” They gave up trying to sit, falling to their back into the snow. “Go. We’ll leave when I’m ready.”

“They didn’t want any healing,” Imperia muttered to Wigbert. She hopped over the half wall into the street. Wigbert shrugged, spun on his ass, and dropped down beside her.

“How early can you be here?” Lav asked Seb.

“Let me get my stretches and breakfast in,” Seb said. “I can still be here earlier than Mal.”

“Good. Do not keep me waiting.” Lav picked up her second staff. She walked around the wall to join her teammates and they left as one.

Mila jumped down from the wall, stumbling forward, and joining Seb on the ground. She fell into their stomach. Her cheek rubbed into their padded shirt. Seb patted her twice on the back, but otherwise remained still.

“You know what would have been nice?” Seb asked into the sky. “Not jumping straight into the fight against the younger and stronger fighter after three months of barely surviving.”

“You’re not that old,” I said.