#malxir

I kicked up the nerve to bring a bucket of water back. It hurt more than I expected it to. I needed to take frequent breaks on the way back before I sent myself into tears. Tears that would undoubtedly lay me out.

Seb was awake when I let myself back in. They remained conscious even after my long recovery. It still wasn’t lucid. They wouldn’t respond to me outside of flinches when I did something they didn’t expect. Really, it made things harder for me.

They pulled away from me when I tried to wipe evidence of their neglect away. They snaked their tail into my way, warding off my hands with it when I grabbed it to move it away.

I almost let Seb win. The more of their bullshit I had to fight off, the more it physically hurt me in the ribs. No amount of placating talk or begging got them to stop. They weren’t aware of what they were doing.

Seb still let me cuddle into them without fuss. It was a shitty consolation. I wasn’t the strong one, between us. I wanted to finally break down, give in to all the pains I’d accumulated and the hunger that had grown so ravenous it devoured itself. Seb was the one that comforted me when it came to this. They could hold me perfectly in their arms until it was all better. I had that since we first met, and for the most part got to keep it. I wasn’t giving that kind of safety up. Not willingly, anyway.

Seb jolted beneath me, nearly throwing me to the ground. I whimpered at my ribs, rolling to support my own weight before they accidentally hurt me further. They growled long and low in their throat, true to the feral visage they’d become. An unusual reaction to one of their dreams. Or delusions. Whichever it was at the moment.

“How did you get in there?”

Shock seeped down my spine, stuttering my breath. Shit.

I’d gotten comfortable. So to speak. Complacent. It all would have turned out better if my mother forgot me and left me to rot beside Seb.

I tucked into Seb’s side, using them to hide from her. It didn’t matter that the act was futile. She could hurt me from afar, so long as she could see me. Seb finally didn’t seem to mind my proximity, fixated aggressively on my mother instead.

“Answer me, Malxir,” she demanded, mounting cross. “How did you get in there?”

She stood on the other side of the open door. I couldn’t pretend I’d somehow wormed my way through the bars. It was obvious that I’d opened a lock I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t supposed to have tools. She took mine away.

Her sharp cantrip tore through my head. I screamed, instantly losing the potency when it wrenched in my ribs. I clung harder to Seb, scrambling for any sort of reprieve.

“You fucking bitch!” they roared, enraged beyond any other words I’ve heard in their fury. Seb shook at their bindings, somehow avoiding jostling me. “I’m going to kill you!”

The word to incite her mind splinter left my mother’s tongue in a controlled snarl. I flinched into Seb, anticipating its bite only for nothing to happen. To me, at least. The only other person in the room was Seb. They didn’t react to the pain I knew it inflicted. Not even a little twitch of muscle.

“I’m going to kill you,” Seb promised. Their voice was dark and completely lucid, intention dripping from every syllable.

“That’s rich,” my mother drawled, offering none of the respect Seb deserved. “I’m surprised you’re still alive. I really thought you weren’t going to last much longer. By all means, you shouldn’t have.” Contemplation befell her face.

“What happened to using me for my name and blood?” Seb sneered. Oh, suddenly they could make conversation? “What is the point of taking me if you were going to leave me for dead?”

My mother scoffed. She even put the effort into a demure chortle. “I stopped needing you the moment Bertram chose my worthless son.”

“Who?” Seb barked.

“I suppose he has time to reconsider.” A smirk drifted over her face. “My son has been using you.”

What? I’d done no such thing. Then I remembered I had to strip them down to clean them up. The aftermath easily gave the wrong impression.

“Of course, I do think proving we were the ones to kill the Krimzik betrayer with your skull for proof would give us our edge back, too. Don’t you think?”

Seb trashed at their bindings again, knocking me lightly. I gasped, clutching my side over theirs. “No one gives a fuck but you!”

My mother didn’t have pupils to broadcast her eyes, yet I still managed to tell that she rolled them. “Come on, Malxir. You have somewhere to be.”

Terror overrode sense. I couldn’t keep adding to the injuries. I couldn’t adapt to this routine. I clawed at Seb’s gambeson, pulling me into them. A place of safety. The stress of movement blackened my vision, turned my stomach, but it was better than where my mother wanted to take me.

“Fine,” my mother snarled. “I’ll tell them you’ve fully given up on being a man, you filthy whore. You’ve been a worthless hole your entire life, so why should that be any different now?”

My mother spun out of there, her tail arcing around and following her out the door. She’d given up. Oh, fuck, she’d let me win only to make whatever came next so much worse. She was going to kill me, too, wasn’t she. This was how it ended.

Panic ripped through me, adrenaline fueling the terror. I had nowhere to hie. I couldn’t run. She was going to make my suffering at her hands far more painful than what I was bound to receive from Bertram. She was going to hurt me until I bled. This was going to be the last of what I could take.

“Mal, what are you doing, love?” Seb’s voice was hazy. It had the wrong inflection, like they were weak and scared like me.

I knew the kind of suffering my mother would bestow upon me. But what of Seb? They were more trapped than I was. She saw them as an object. Would she hurt them first to get at me? Would she kill someone she’d once looked up to? Would she leave them beside my body, throwing them to their demons to finish them off?

“Mal – what are you doing?” Seb’s words sounded so urgent for being so far away. “Malxir!”

I stared at them. Seb was so close. I could reach out and touch them. “I’m sorry, Seb.” Those words came from my throat. They sounded serene. When did I speak?

“Malxir – don’t!” So much fear. For why?

“What?” I asked. I was too tired for emotion. I was … I was going to get out of this. There was only one way left.

“Mal, please,” Seb begged.

Their tail swiped over me, startling me. I forgot they could touch me, too. I saw tears in their eyes just before my pains came crashing back down on me. I gasped, finally understanding what Seb cried over.

Me. I gawked at the line of slick blood down my forearm. Seeing it, I felt it, too. My other fingers gripped onto a shard of glass, too tense to release it.

“What happened?” I asked stupidly. Oh, fuck, my arm throbbed.

“Mal, please. Please. Don’t let go.” For once, Seb was hysterical over something that was real.

The fingers on the sliced arm tingled. I slumped into Seb, burying my face in the space between their arm and chest. I’d done that. I didn’t mean to, but that didn’t make it the wrong choice. No one could hurt me any longer.

I turned my head enough to speak. “I’ll be okay, Seb. I love you.” All Seb ever wanted was the best for me. And they had done their best. Our time together was incomparable to the rest of my life.

“No. No!” Seb twisted under me. “Fuck.” Their chest fluttered impossibly fast with breath. “Malxir.” Their breathing broke with a long, keening whine. Panic mounted until they suddenly completely stopped. They held their breath, the fabric of their clothes swallowing the pounding of their heart.

“Someone’s coming,” Seb said. They slipped into a small series of unintelligible whispers. “Mal. Malxir. Fucking listen to me!”

I shifted against them, irritating shimmying through me. Couldn’t they see it didn’t matter? It was the end. There was so little more anyone else could do to us.

“Malxir, kill her,” Seb demanded, voice low and clear. “Kill her, kill her,” they repeated, a touch more delirious each time. “It hurts – oh, fuck, it hurts, but you’ll be free of her. Mal, get up and kill her.”

Seb wasn’t making a demand of me they couldn’t have done in my place. They’d committed the act of matricide. They admitted to it. Seb was known for that very thing.

I lifted my head from them. I blinked a couple times to clear my vision. “I can’t.”

“Now, Mal,” Seb hissed with urgency. “Fucking kill her!” Their eyes fixed on the door. “Go. Now. Hide.”

There was an edge of mania to Seb’s pleads, but they felt like the most sane ones since my mother started to let me come down to see them alone. There was no point. I was going to die. I’d … cut my own arm. There was so much blood. It all felt wrong. My heart beat in my throat with fear I didn’t feel. She wasn’t going to hurt me again.

Yet there was no ignoring Seb’s orders. They didn’t ask me to fight. If it was the last thing I could do for them, maybe – maybe Seb stood a chance.

I got to my feet despite the room pitching around me. My fingers held steadily to the broken glass vial, standing into visibility with my life blood. One last kill. It wasn’t going to work. I’d need to be so precise. I’d need to see through the motion blur and creeping darkness.

My last act.

I heard the footsteps Seb had been alerted to. I fell into the mindset I needed for work and timed everything just right. I saw a humanoid shape, slithered around it, and sunk my shard straight through the neck. I knew the perfect space to slip the sharp edge. The familiar pump of blood followed my withdrawal, indicating I’d struck true.

It wasn’t my mother that staggered away. It wasn’t her eyes that turned to see me in surprise. Nor was it her hand that rose to her jugular to ineffectually stop the bleeding.

“S-Simon?”

Simon dropped, falling against the wall. He had seconds to live. No more. His brother, on the other hand -

Cuthbert and I had a fleeting moment to wrap our minds around the situation. I had the training. The experience. I attacked him with the same kind of ferocity as any enemy, wielding my spike of glass like it was my most trustworthy weapon. It sunk gleefully into the flesh of his forearm, missing vitals by sheer luck on his part. I removed myself from his immediate line of sight, slinking behind him to better throw him off.

It worked. Well, mostly Cuthbert barked a trigger word and fire burst forward from his hands. I felt the heat from the flames, but the bite felt like nothing compared to what my body already sported. At worst, it dried the blood I’d drawn on my arm.

I stabbed at him again, aiming better from his side. The glass sunk into his skin, bouncing off his ribs as I used all my strength to rip it downwards.

Cuthbert swung wide, his fist connecting with my head. I dropped with the blow. Whatever mockery I had of my balance left me. I rolled to launch myself at him. I connected with his legs. My shard of glass disappeared. All I had going for me was my meager weight.

The accumulation of a lifetime of abuse and pain didn’t compare to the nightmare I woke into. I couldn’t breathe. Every slide of my ribs was searing. The more I panicked about it, the harder it became. My head grew light and spun. I felt grateful for the coolness of the rock beneath me to counter the sweating. Eventually, it calmed me down enough to think again. Each inhale hurt as much as the last, but I accepted it for what it was.

It took far longer for me to gather the strength to sit up. The movements pulled at my ribs, ripping me asunder, but what choice did I have? I couldn’t stay laying in the dark and on the stone forever. I had to figure out where the fuck I was.

The ladder behind me gave me a clue. I got dizzy the moment I followed it up with my eyes to the trap door stamped into the ceiling. That didn’t matter too much. So long as I knew where I was. That I was in relative safety. And if I was in the caverns, and Bertram wasn’t waiting on me, I could see Sebazin.

I took my time in getting there, crawling rather than walking when it turned out to be simply easier. No one waited for me at the little gathering area, so I continued on.

Seb was awake when I got there. It wasn’t a good sign. Terror ensnared them the moment we locked eyes. They pushed a foot into the ground to back their spine into the wall. Chains rattled sharply in my ears, no longer too taunt to keep from making noise. Their breathing accelerated into pants, immediately bordering sobs. The creature they’d become was not my Seb. If the person didn’t look like Seb, they would have been completely unrecognizable.

I ignored the ache in my chest. Both the physical and metaphorical ones. It was one problem at a time or the weight of them all would crush me. The immediate problem? Remembering where I hid my lock picks.

Seb whispered to their delusions. I didn’t recognize the language, even if I did stop the strain and parse the words. As far as I knew, Seb spoke three languages. It wasn’t melodic enough to be halfling. I knew infernal better than the common language and it didn’t really sound like either of those. I would have been able to pick out a word or two. I write it off as nonsensical babbling and ignored it, too.

Setting myself up in front of the lock to pick it turned out to be the most difficult of the string of tasks. The moment I lifted up on my arms to insert the tools, my muscles spasmed painfully across my chest. Crying out made it hurt worse. All I could do was recover. Try again, prepared for my reminder of how fucked my ribs were. I struggled. I barely felt the pain in my hands in light of my ribs, but they weren’t the level of functional that I was used to. It didn’t matter. I made it through.

I should have tended to Seb. I should have fetched them water, shoved the medicines down their throat or slathered it in their skin. I should have set their wrists free.

I wasn’t going to unlock their final limbs. Guilt flooded me when I gave the sentiment attention, but that didn’t make it any less true. I didn’t trust them. My own lover. I didn’t trust them at all. And I … I couldn’t take any more beatings. Any more hurt. Ultimately, Seb was best at dishing out and attracting physical abuse. I couldn’t chance it happening to me.

My comfort came first. I collapsed into their chest, curling up around them. Seb ripped their leg away from me, recoiling with all the sudden strength and leverage they had. It jostled me. It still hurt, my ribs so sensitive to movement. I needed them. I needed them, damn it.

Seb’s primal flight subsided. I hadn’t left them or hurt them or done whatever it was their delusions conditioned them to fear. All I did was cling to them like my life depended on it. I drew from their physical warmth. I relished in the fact that they still breathed. The expectations were low, unsatisfactory to someone like Seb in their right mind, but familiar to me.

I’d only just woken up, but I was exhausted. Every movement cost more energy than I had. It reminded me of the way I felt when Theo nursed me back to health, except this time it had all been done to me. And I had absolutely no one to fall back on. I’d come to rely on that at some point. It was a stupid thing to get used to.

Seb never relaxed. I wasn’t sure if they didn’t trust me as much as I didn’t trust them, if it was because they didn’t recognize me, or if it was some other addled reason in their broken head. Whatever the cause, it did them no good to prolong it. It was difficult to peel myself off of them.

I took stock of my clothes, finding the medicines I’d bartered off of the gnome women. One look at Seb told me they’d fight me rather than succumb to what was good for them. I needed them more lucid. I didn’t know if that was going to happen. I set the medicines aside, well out of Seb’s reach.

Instead of worrying, I tasked myself with fetching water. I grabbed the cup, leaving the bucket behind. I knew full well I couldn’t lift it when full, not when my breath punched at my ribs and my hands wept at fine motor control. A cup of water was better than none.

I sated my own thirst at the spring. The water had a distinctly sharp taste I’d never encountered before, but it was really no different than the odd flavors I’d find out of accumulated puddles. Water was water. If it tasted poor, that was only too bad.

The state of my body nearly caused me to drop the cup innumerable times on my way back to Seb. I had never struggled so hard for something so mundane before.

Seb was alarmingly mostly out of it when I made it back. Their eyes fluttered and didn’t track me in the times they were open. The wall and chains took their entire weight, the position they’d fallen in twisted and tired.

I leaned into their side and earned a weak snarl. They lacked the energy for anything else. They didn’t have the strength to fight me from turning their head to me. I dipped my fingers into the water and ran them over Seb’s lips. At first, they flinched. Then they ran their tongue over the thin water. Base need and pleading ran over their face. They accepted the cup from there.

The Sebazin I knew and loved wasn’t in there. They weren’t coming back. I’d dealt with them shutting everything out before, giving in to depression, but they’d never been so much like a contained wild animal before. That’s what they were: feral at best. The most important thing to learn, traveling with Sebazin, was that they couldn’t be contained. Redirected, maybe, but never stopped. Not without fallout.

I pet their face, watching the way they twitched at my touch. They were more at peace with my presence after a cup of water, but still completely out of it. I knew they didn’t recognize me.

“Sebazin?” I said softly. I wanted a conscious reaction, even though I knew better. Fuck, all I wanted was my lover back. I knew that I didn’t get what I wanted, but it never stopped the urges of hoping for it anyway.

Nothing happened of me saying their name. I slipped away to grab the vials, returning to them with each tucked in my hand. “Do you think you can take these down, too?” I asked. They didn’t think. It was a stupid question. Really, there was no point in trying to talk to them. The words were for my benefit.

“I forgot what they said these did,” I admitted. We went through so many variables, I forgot which ones the women deemed important. I couldn’t remember if these were natural or magical concoctions, either. They’d scrawled on the side of each vial, identifying them, but I couldn’t read the writing. It didn’t really matter.

I uncorked the first one, ensuring I had a firm hold of it. I pet over Seb’s lips, contemplating my approach, for Seb to automatically open their mouth for me. I detected no real awareness on their face. They didn’t open their eyes. I knew why. This was … pure conditioned response.

It made me feel sick and dirty. Seb was my partner. My top. I knew they were versatile, that they subbed, but they never showed me outside of a couple times with Theo. I’d been conditioned that way, manipulated by him. But that was a month. Seb had had years of that treatment….

I almost forgot to pour the contents of the vial over their tongue. They took it readily, swallowing it down without fuss. Gods, I hated that, actually. I thought I could handle this facet of Seb’s life, but seeing Seb submit was different than past partner’s training coming through for me when Seb’s personality was gone.

I fumbled the second vial, dropping it from my clumsy fingers. It clattered angrily, instilling a jump out of Seb, but it didn’t burst. I uncorked it, prompting Seb to open their mouth again with a touch, and poured it in.

I could pretend they were there, just tired. Without the fight and fear, pressed into their side, I could forget about all the bad things that led us here. I scooped a hand over their cheek, twisting to kiss them without agonizing about it. Like I would have in any other place. It didn’t occur to me that I hadn’t expected Seb to return it until that was exactly what they did. There was no passion or true initiation behind it, as automatic as their response to my fingers over their lips, but it was the best remind that, well, maybe they couldn’t be all gone.

The only thing I had left to do was smear the last stuff the gnomes gave me over Seb’s sores. I couldn’t tell the difference between angry and healthy skin by sight, but what was an extra touch to assess?

I grabbed the jar and wiggled the chausses I’d halfheartedly put into place off. I started with what I could reach, leading with dry fingers and smearing the jelly in tender places. Seb made soft noises. They almost sounded good, even if there was no part about this they could have tempered well.

I tried to move them, shoving their legs out of the way. It didn’t change their seat. I had no more or less access to sore skin as before. I swiped the last of the jelly on my fingers into tender areas and finished cleaning off in the straw. I’d forgotten how unclean Seb’s situation ended up.

I really needed to scrub Seb up. I technically had the means. I had access to water and a bucket to bring it back in. I could use any of Seb’s clothes as a rag to wash them with.

My breathing was too poor to do it.

I only needed a break first. And then I’d convince myself to go through the agony for them.

Yes, first rest. Seb wouldn’t know. I was pretty sure they’d fallen asleep at some point. It was difficult to tell. We’d both take a nap and then I’d continue to make things better for them.

I still dared not release their wrists.

I curled over their hip with my head on their stomach. It took me a couple tries to find a position where my ribs didn’t scream at me. Hooking a hand gently into their gambeson, I used my tail to finish holding us together.

We ran out of supplies quickly. Gabe hadn’t accounted for Seb’s petulance. Skrit hunted alone, her tracking partner flat on their back, succeeding only in smudging the low morale. Wyst and Alice picked up on foraging together again. Gabe’s lessons paused, leaving me with next to nothing to do. Gabe accepted my help in cooking, but Seb only pouted. After the first day of Gabe redirecting me from Seb, we all ignored them.

A river in our path brightened Seb’s mood considerably, something the creeks and streams couldn’t do. “We camp here tonight,” Seb announced.

“It’s still morning,” Wyst deadpanned.

Seb shrugged and threw down their pack. It landed heavily: a reminder of who literally carried the physical weight of our party. If Seb wouldn’t go … we couldn’t.

“Was I confused?” Seb challenged.

Wyst rounded on Gabe, a withering look imploring him for interference. He shook his head and slipped his pack from off his back. “Don’t push them,” he suggested.

“What’s it fucking matter?” Skrit chimed in. “Huh? Where do you have to be, princess? Let’s fucking live here for all I care.”

Seb began unbuckling their armor, oblivious to the sustained argument about them. Gabe and Skrit were on their side. Even Alice looked hopeful about a temporary hold on our moving. I figured Wyst only argued with Seb for the sake of strife.

I didn’t have much to carry. Especially when supplies were practically nonexistent. I had my bed roll and drawing slate. I’d taken to stuffing my armor in my pack with nothing else inside. I’d been a lot less sweaty without the leather. I added my things to the ground beside Gabe’s. I even unbuckled my blades.

“Do none of you care about a roof and a bed?” Wyst asked.

“Nope,” Seb answered without looking at her. “Kind of chose this life on purpose.” They dropped the bulk of their armor in a clatter. “Don’t like it, leave.”

Wyst stared back at Gabe. He shook his head again. “You insufferable bastard!” she exclaimed to Seb.

“Not a bastard.” They took care to catch her eyes. “I had a family.” Seb unbuttoned their gambeson, throwing it off of them. Their clothes underneath were soaked in sweat, clinging to their skin.

“Did they throw you out?” Wyst taunted. Alice drew her eyebrows together, sending her disgruntled discomfort in Wyst’s direction.

Seb paused, stilling all but their breath. “They’re dead,” they said. It was the kind of statement that stopped Wyst in her tracks. She inhaled like she was going to speak and then stopped herself.

“Well, you seem real broken up by it,” Skrit cut in. Her attempt to cut the tension.

“I’ve had some years to think about it,” Seb scowled. “Now fuck off. All of you.”

Gabe lifted a hand, only to earn a snarl from his lover.

We fell into a mockery of our routine. Gabe and I started preparing for a fire. Seb stripped to their braies and let down their hair only to braid it up in small tendrils. Skrit went off to hunt. Wyst and Alice slipped to the river’s edge and disappeared. I didn’t hear them, wherever they went.

Gabe spent an exorbitant amount of time gathering wood for the fire, ensuring it was all ready and organized for when we would need it. The two of us weren’t exactly capable of sourcing decent logs, so we needed an alarming number of sticks and branches to make up for it. We left the branches whole in camp, foraged for more, and came back to them neatly broken and stacked. Even if Seb wasn’t social, they still contributed.

No matter how long we spent gathering downed wood, Seb took longer on their hair. The progress was incredibly slow, but they were meticulous. I couldn’t believe how even and unform all the braids were when they couldn’t see. When their horns obviously got in their way.

“Do you want any help with that?” Gabe asked.

“No,” Seb replied dismissively. I couldn’t figure out they kept their hair so long. It was obviously a bother. Though they’d never put this much effort into it before.

Wyst and Alice returned, both flush in the face. Or burnt. The red to Alice’s skin was concentrated in the cheeks, but her forehead and nose looked like they’d caught too much sun.

“Feel better?” Seb asked. They didn’t look at Wyst, but somehow directed the question to her anyway.

Wyst’s ears darkened. “The river is refreshing,” she admitted.

Seb cracked a smile, eyes on their hands as they worked down a long strand. “Oh, I bet.”

She narrowed her eyes at them, suspicious. “What are you doing?”

“Besides the obvious? Waiting my turn so the human isn’t embarrassed to death.”

Alice’s face pumped brighter. She turned her head to hide.

Even Wyst was caught less sure footed. “And why …?”

“Oh, please,” Seb scoffed in good nature for once. “And I’m going nude. Take your pick.”

Wyst ended the exchange with that, turning to take care of her clothing. Alice followed like her shadow.

Seb dropped the braid they were working on and rand their fingers through all of the cords of hair. Satisfied with their work, they pulled it all back and tied it in a tail. The sweat on their skin shimmered in the dappled light of our camp when they stood, even without the heavy clothing and armor.

“Love?” Seb asked.

Gabe turned from them. “Oh, no. I’ll join you later, maybe.”

Seb pouted, but immediately moved on. “Mal?”

Me? I stared at them open mouthed. They said they were going nude. I sought out Gabe for the proper answer.

“Don’t do it, Malxir,” Gabe warned. It was in a friendly kind of way, not a threat. “Trust me.”

“Oh, quit,” Seb told him. They grabbed me around the shoulders, spinning me toward the river. “Tell Skrit to come down when she’s back?”

“I’ll tell her you asked for her,” Gabe promised.

The water at the bank was languid, lapping gently at the ridge of dirt holding on by the force of deep roots. It started off shallow, barely covering the pebbles and small rocks, but it was deceptive. The river pushed bubbles and bugs down its center, whisking them away and out of sight.

The opposite bank opened up to an alarming meadow with grasses and flowers taller than Seb. The skeletons of small, failed pine trees told the story of failed succession. Our side of the river, however, had proud hardwoods all the way to the edge, ankle high grasses and wildflowers filling in the spaces.

It was a peaceful place. The low murmur of the water playing amongst itself was calming. Close proximity dropped the temperatures without needing to go in.

True to their word, Seb peeled off the last bit of modesty, draping the cloth in a low tree branch. I made a point of it to look away. In all the borrowed rooms at night together, all the time spent under the stars, Seb never took off everything.

They took three exuberant steps into the river, throwing up water into the air to their shoulders, and then jumped completely in. Their head disappeared below the surface. The current took evidence of their passing away.

I hovered at the edge of the water. My secondhand embarrassment for Seb dissolved in the shock of their hasty disappearance. Then they were gone, under, too long.

Seb resurfaced alarmingly far down the river. They shook their head lightly, floating only farther away, and then made the effort to stand. From a distance, I saw the river immediately buffet them for daring impede the current.

“Join me!” Seb shouted, finding me through the water in their eyes they’d failed to wipe away.

I could stand in the shallow, tranquil part. Maybe up to my shins. I wasn’t meeting Seb in the thick of the current. Absolutely not.

I began to take off my outer clothes, setting them all neatly aside to find later. Seb fought the current upstream, their joy a sharp juxtaposition to their sour mood in the past week. They laughed and shook their head when I stopped at my shirt and braies. “No, everything.”

I stilled, eyeing them warily. I had a moment of warning when Seb’s grin widened that something was amiss. Not enough warning.

“I told you,” they said as they swooped in to shore to scoop me up. I didn’t have a chance. They swept my feet out from under me, appropriating my weight like it meant nothing to them. “You didn’t listen,” they added. I struggled at Seb’s step down into the water, worming my body against their hold for them to release me. Then they kept going. Deeper until the bottom of my foot kissed the top of the flowing river from within their arms. I hiked my tail up against myself and draped it into my lap to keep it from submerging.

My fingers gripped into Seb’s shoulders. I tried to catch their eyes, but they purposefully avoided it. “Seb, no.”

They dropped me. Rather, they dropped us both. I screamed Seb’s name. At least, I thought I did. Cold water shocked the air from my lungs. I lost grip on Seb and realized later in my flailing that they’d mostly let go of me. Mostly, but not completely. Their hand reached under my arm and at my hand, righting me and hauling my face back above the surface. The freezing current ripped at me, grasping my clothes and through them all the way through my bones. My feet slipped on slimy rocks, my toes barely digging in for purchase. I sputtered, out of breath and completely terrified.

“It’s okay,” they assured me. Their grip on my hand stabilized. “I have you.”

“What the fuck are you two doing?”

Seb’s attention whipped back to shore, the damnable grin back in place. “Hey!”

Skrit mirrored Seb’s idiotic smile and set to taking off her clothes. She didn’t stop at her undergarments, either. I’d never expected to see a naked goblin. I wasn’t sure if it was a goblin thing to be flat-chested, or if that was just Skrit. She’d said goblins were fey. Maybe fey were different than … whatever humans were. Whatever Seb and I were.

The hands Seb used to stabilize me slowly released as they sunk into the river. Braided hair floated at the surface about them in a black halo, waving delicately in the lesser version of the current up top. They glided through the stream to Skrit’s tentative steps into the water. I managed fine for a moment. That was, until I tried to chase after Seb. The river bottom was too slick, the current too strong, and my balance within the water far too weak. My foot slipped. I lost my equilibrium. The water swept me away.

“The kid!” Skrit shrieked, though any concern she may have had devolved into hysterical laughter.

Water filled my ears, muffling Seb’s response. I lost track of up from down, feeling like I was spinning in the grasp of water. I hadn’t known that water could be so strong. It made me feel so weak.

I tried to call out for Seb. I knew I couldn’t save myself. I’d never had to fight an element before. The worst the water had on me was when it rained. It didn’t pummel me relentlessly from every direction, taking away any chance I had of a good breath. My mouth filled with water. Panic squeezed my heart. What did I do against a river?

Warmth enveloped me, taming the turmoil. It held me, corrected me, allowed me to spit out the water that had made it to my lungs and take in air. I blinked blearily at Seb. They held me gently and floated on their back, letting the river take us away. “You okay?” they asked.

“I can’t swim.”

“You don’t say.” They were far too casual about it. Their face softened, but their eyes were intense on mine. I lost my breath for a completely different reason. Would they kiss me again? Like they had the night I’d watch them kill a man without cause?

Their head turned toward shore, assessing the situation. No, of course not. I didn’t know what I expected, really. We were friends. Colleagues. We … did things I didn’t think most people did with people there weren’t more feelings towards. Over a year later, I had no more clue what was going on between us than I did the first night. I’d never stopped wanting them. Wanting more from them. It was stupid.

“Hold on,” Seb said. Their hands reached into the water, guiding us closer to shore. I grasped on to Seb’s body, using them like some sort of fleshy raft. I expected they’d take us to where the current didn’t bite so hard and we’d walk back in the shallows. Instead, Seb continued floating, ultimately expending more effort to bring us back to where Skrit waited. She didn’t seem to mind as she sat placidly in the water, watching us like we were the most interesting thing she’d ever witnessed.

“You two are fucking stupid,” she commented the moment we were easily within earshot.

Seb rolled to dump me where the water wouldn’t sweep me away. Where I could get out of the river and – what? My underwear were soaked through. I stood ankle deep beside the two of them. Seb knelt on the rocks facing Skrit, not a care in the world for their nudity. I’d thought our group was … more prudish than that, after all this time. I knew better, but I snuck a glance. Ended up taking more of a quick look. I didn’t mean to. I wanted to remember. It wasn’t difficult.

“Kid’s freezing his balls off,” Skrit prompted Seb casually. “You put him in shock, idiot.”

“Mal will be fine.” They stood anyway, guiding me out of the water and beside my clothes. “You’re going to want to take those off,” they told me gently. “Linen holds on to water. If you’re already cold, you’re not going to last them drying out.”

My eyes immediately sought out Skrit, locking on to her face. I shook my head.

“Believe me, Skrit’s not going to give two shits what you have under your clothes.”

“Nope,” she confirmed.

I shook my head again, a little more fierce. Just because these two decided they no longer cared for convention, I wasn’t going to give it up. No one needed to see me. Not anymore.

“Okay, give me a second.” Their hand brushed down my arm, their fingers lingering before dropping away. They returned to camp, leaving me dripping in the warm, mottled sunlight. I didn’t feel much of its heat anymore. I shivered so hard, my teeth chattered.

Seb returned with a scrap of fabric in their hand. Rather, two scraps. One I recognized as the tunic they wore when forced to go out in clothes outside of their armor. The other was truly a scrap. They dropped the tunic over my folded clothes and wrapped themselves behind me. I leaned into the warmth their body radiated, even if their skin felt immediately cool. Their hands gathered my hair, squeezing it gently until water rushed from it and to the ground.

“Skrit, you mind?”

She rolled her eyes, but pointedly turned her back square to us.

“Trust me,” Seb whispered. Their fingers played at my shirt, lifting it. I hesitated, but lifted up my arms to allow them. The shirt made a hearty smack when Seb dropped it. My heart took residence in my throat when their hands returned for my braies. I was – they were going to see – what were they doing? All they did was untie them and their body pulled back. Our skin touching had been as electric as the first time we’d touched. Gods, how could I still want them this badly?

Their shirt dropped over my shoulders, falling heavily past my horns and sitting off-center. I startled, spinning to look at them.

“Take off your braies. Wear that until your clothes dry. Your wet hair won’t soak your tunic through. Only the one I don’t wear.” Their instructions felt so damn impersonal. “I asked Gabe to start the fire for you. Go warm up, little one.”

Seb stepped away, back toward the river. A dismissal.

I didn’t get to ignore Seb’s explicit instructions. I’d learned that the hard way. I shimmied out of my braies and gathered them and my shirt in one hand, my folded clothes in the other. Seb’s tunic fell well past where mine did, presenting more like a kirtle on my body. It held down my tail, pulled on my shoulders. A mockery of their arms around me.