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Minor Fictional Interlude in Reaction to yshaarj's Dave & Nepeta Pic
Imagine the fallout from this though :)
Dave would obviously blow up a bit and be like "Nepeta what the hell?!" and rant about it, and she'd book it out the same window she climbed in through crying and upset. Dave just wraps the opossum up in his blanket and chunks it out the window cause "obvious solution, not my problem" then goes and takes a loooonng shower.
30 minutes later:
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO YOU FESTERING IRREDEEMABLE ASSHAT?
TG: i love you too karkles but you need to be more suave about this
TG: this kind of serious wooing so early in the morning sets my maidenly heart all afluttering
TG: im like to faint straight away
TG: you gotta give a dude some time bro
TG: let me finish my morning toilette
TG: get my nails done
TG: get my hair did
CG: MOTHERGRUB'S ACID-SPITTING FIFTH PAIN-ORIFICE, SPARE ME YOUR COMPULSIVE "JOKE" FALSEHOODS AND ASININE FUCKING "IRONIES" STRIDER
TG: fuck is that shit for real jesus christ
CG: SHUT YOUR PIMPLE-RIDGED GRAIN-HOLE ABOUT MY PROGENITRIX, PRIMATE!
CG: THEN OPEN IT AGAIN, AND KINDLY VOMIT INTO MY PATIENTLY WAITING LAP A FUCKING GODDAMN EXPLANATION FOR THE MOE SORROW HOLOCAUST TAKING PLACE IN MY LOITER BLOCK!
TG: loiter block what the hell would that even be
TG: why does your species name everything in the dumbest possible way karkat?
TG: i have asked this question a thousand times and never had it answered
TG: maybe you dont know the answer either
TG: maybe we can throw on some matching sweatervests
TG: get ourselves lost in some stupid fucking riddle cave in nebraska or some other horrible state
TG: and solve this exciting vocabulary mystery together
CG: SHUT UP!
TG: with books
CG: ANSWER MY QUESTION, DICKHEAD!!
TG: cause reading is magic
CG: AAAAUAUUUAHHHHH!!!111!!1
CG: LET'S START AGAIN.
CG: WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING, YOU BASTARD?
TG: i woke up
TG: stood shirtless in front of my window and waved cause you know
TG: my adoring fans need some sexy glamor in their lives and im a man of the people
TG: i aint gonna give em the sugar but the shakes for free
TG: posted a dozen or so tasteful selfies on twitter to general splooshing
TG: cut some of the freshest organically farmed locally sourced fda approved beats known to mankind
TG: revolutionizing the world of rap as we know it
TG: deleted my morning batch of embarrassing fanmail from kayne west because come on that shit goes to your head man small doses
TG: and advised president obama on how to get cheap, reliable healthcare to the american people in these troubled economic times while helping him work on his corner shot
TG: jump shot
TG: shit its sport i dont fucking know the terminology theres a ball and the big man throws it
TG: i helped him
TG: from the paint
CG: YES, YES. THIS IS THE SORT OF SPARKLING 100% PURE PUS-STREAKED BULLSHIT I EXPECTED YOU TO DELICATELY LADLE INTO MY AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS. I CAN FEEL IT SEEPING INTO EVERY HUMOR NODULE OF MY THINK-SPONGE RIGHT NOW KILLING ALL THAT IT TOUCHES; MAKING ME STUPIDER BY THE MOMENT.
CG: I WAKE UP TO A WICKER CARRYALL FILLED WITH THESE MUSCLEBEAST LEAVINGS EVERY MORNING, AND YET HONESTLY THOUGHT THIS TIME MIGHT BE DIFFERENT.
CG: HOW DID I BECOME SUCH A PAN-BAKED SPINE-LUMP-CHAFFING MORON?
CG: OH; I HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED MY OWN QUESTION.
TG: deep breaths bro
TG: youre making even less sense than normal which is saying something
TG: weve talked about this you need to stay calm
TG: deep breaths use your people words
CG: NEPETA! YOU KNOW: CUTE? SHY? CAT GIRL? ROLEPLAYS WITH YOU DAILY? CLIMBS HUMAN HIVESTEMS FOR FUN? LIKES SHIPPING? CAN KILL, SKIN, AND DRESS A CHOLERBEAR IN 15 MINUTES WITH HER BARE HANDS? HER MOIRAIL HAS THE SWEATIEST, MOST PAINFULLY OBVIOUS BONER FOR YOUR FRONDTASTIC BRO AND BRO-LUSUS? DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?
TG: first off karkat please please do not mention this to me i live it24/7 i am well aware of his interest
TG: shit is very distressing i hear enough about it from the lalondes you bringing it up has given me hives you insensitive cockmonger
TG: second yeah i know nepeta shes cool
CG: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?
TG: what i didnt do anything to her whats wrong with nepeta
CG: SHE'S BEEN BURROWED BETWEEN OUR LOUNGE-PLATEAU AND HIVE-WALL CRYING HER EYES OUT FOR THE LAST TEN MINUTES
TG: dude
TG: seriously
TG: this is earth
TG: it has been years
TG: "lounge plateau"? its a couch. a COUCH
TG: these are the words
TG: this is the lingo
TG: either buy a fucking dictionary or put rose on speed dial come on
CG: I WOULDN'T EXPECT A SPASTIC NOOK-FUMBLER LIKE YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE FINER POINTS OF HOW VOCABULARY AND ALTERNIAN CASTE POLITICS INTERSECT, OR TO APPRECIATE THE EXQUISITE GOD-DAMN MAJESTY OF MY WONDROUS MOTHER-TONGUE, NOR AM I ANY LONGER MASOCHISTIC ENOUGH TO TRY AND MAKE YOU.
CG: BUT WE ARE GETTING OFF TOPIC HERE.
CG: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE NEPETA INTO THIS BLUBBERING PURRBEAST-EYED MESS OF INCOHERENT PUMP-BISCUIT PIERCING DESPAIR HIDING BEHIND MY "COUCH"?
TG: see
TG: i didnt even know about that until you told me so theres no way i could possibly be involved in that that logic is water tight this is a blameless man on his knees before you your honor
TG: and why do you think i am in the first place like me and nepeta are tight as hell that could have been anybody
TG: she probably went out for breakfast and a cop made her stop eating all the pigeons in public like stop you crazy kid animu school girls should be eating toast not air rodents
CG: YOU SLANDEROUS SLURRY-GURGLING FRAUD! I KNOW IT WAS YOU BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN GOING ON FOR DAYS ABOUT HOW SHE PLANNED TO BRING YOU YOUR "PURRTHDAY PRESENT" FIRST THING THIS MORNING. SHE EVEN LEFT A NOTE REMINDING ME IN OUR MEAL-BLOCK WITH HEARTS AND SPARKLES AND CAT-FACES ALL OVER IT SHIT WAS CUTE AS HELL
CG: AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW SHE'S SMASHING THROUGH THE DOOR WITH EYES THE SIZE OF NUTRIENT-DISKS, SNUFFLING LIKE A GRUNTBEAST, AND LEAVING AN UNSEEMLY TRAIL OF SORROW-JUICE AND NASAL DISCHARGE BEHIND HER AS SHE ROCKETS BEHIND MY LOUNGE-PLATEAU!
CG: SO WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO STRIDER!!
TG: man i didnt do anything to her she did stuff to me
TG: ok
TG: like
TG: i wake up this morning right and theres nepeta all being cute as usual cute hat cute face cute button nose
TG: and its a little weird shes there in my bedroom at like 9 in the am but its cool i left the window open she caught me slipping im gonna roll with it
TG: but then then i notice shes red all over and im like hey you got blood all over you holy shit
TG: and shes like "I remempured you collect dead things so here's a possum! happy purrthday dave!! ::33" totally ignores what i said
TG: and im like possum what then im thinking hey my laps wet whats up with this and i look down and theres a FUCKING POSSUM, A FUCKING GOD-DAMN DEAD TREE-DWELLING MARSUPIAL, in my FUCKING SHEETS with its throat slit and its lungs shanked bleeding all over my snoop boxers
CG: UH-HUH
TG: so naturally i was a bit distressed
TG: and i inquired with my utmost politeness and civility
TG: as to what the holy fucking shit balls she thoughts she was doing lambasting my privates with a gruesomely murdered marsupial rodent before noon
TGL i mean fuck at least let me get my cherrios first
TG: at which point she bailed and i attended to my ablutions
CG: UH-HUH. I SEE THE PROBLEM NOW.
TG: good
CG: I UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION.
TG: thank you
CG: YOU ARE JUST A PUMPLESS MONSTER WITH NO REGARD FOR THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS.
TG: wait what
CG: I WASN'T CLEAR? THE PROBLEM, DAVE, IS THAT YOU HATE ROMANCE AND DON'T GIVE A SINGLE FLAP-TINGLING SHIT FOR THE BISCUITS OF OTHERS OR HOW MANY YOU CRUSH IN YOUR CALLOUSED, UNFEELING HANDS.
TG: how the fuck is a dead plague-carrying corpse-eater in my bed romantic!
CG: DAVE
CG: DAVE DAVE DAVE DAVE
CG: DAVE, YOU STUPID PRIMATE BASTARD
TG: ok not digging the casual specieism
CG: SHUTUP DAVE, ONLY LEARNING NOW
CG: ALLOW ME TO REMOVE YOU FROM THE POOL OF YOUR OWN EXCREMENT YOU ARE JOYFULLY THRASHING AROUND IN AND SCHOOLFEED YOU GENTLY, AS A KINDLY LUSUS WOULD THEIR RANCOROUS, BILE-SPONGED WIGGLER
TG: yeah troll culture continues sounding all hells of majestic
CG: SHUSH DAVE
CG: YOU ARE AN INCOMPETENT PINHEAD, BUT THAT ISN'T YOUR FAULT.
CG: IT'S THE FAULT OF YOU BEING LAZY, AND LEARNING EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT TROLLS FROM AN AMAZING BLIND PSYCHOPATH WHO LOVES JUSTICE, RED, AND EATING PIGMENT-STICKS BECAUSE SHE GREW UP WITHOUT A LUSUS.
CG: DO YOU KNOW WHAT LUSUS DO DAVE? DON'T ANSWER, THAT QUESTION IS PEDAGOGICAL.
CG: THEY TAKE CARE OF US, DAVE.
CG: ALTERNIA IS A HELLWORLD FILLED WITH SCARED KIDS TAUGHT FROM BEFORE THEY COULD WALK THAT THE ONLY WAY TO SUCCEED IN LIFE WAS TO GIVE THE OTHER TROLL THE POINTY END.
CG: IF THEY'RE WORTH A SINGLE SOLITARY DAMN, LUSUS ARE THERE FOR US WHEN WE NEED THEM, NOT JUST FOR PROTECTION AND FOOD, BUT FOR COMFORT AND COMPANIONSHIP. AND EVEN IF WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND THEIR HORRIBLE, HORRIFYING, PUMP-CURDLING SCREAMS, WE KNOW THAT THEY WILL ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF US, AND WE THEM. THAT EVEN AFTER WE ASCEND TO THE FLEET AND THEY FIND A NEW CHARGE, WE'LL ALWAYS BE A TEAM DEEP DOWN IN OUR SENTIMENT-FILTERS.
CG: THEY ARE OUR FIRST, AND SOMETIMES ONLY, TRUE FRIENDS AND PROTECTORS, AND ONE OF THE BIG THINGS THEY DO, THE THING THEY DO THAT IS PRETTY MUCH 75% OF THEIR JOB, IS GO OUT INTO THE BIG DANGEROUS MURDERWORLD, AND BRING US BACK THE STUPID,UTTERLY INANE BULLSHIT THAT WE LIKE.
CG: THAT'S WHAT NEPETA DID FOR YOU DAVE. SHE WAS PLAYING LUSUS. SHE WAS TELLING YOU "HEY YOU LAME PINK WEAKLING! I THINK YOU'RE REALLY COOL FOR SOME INEXPLICABLE REASON EVEN THOUGH I USUALLY HAVE GREAT TASTE!! I WENT AND RAN HUGE RISKS TO BRING YOU SOMETHING I THINK YOU'LL ENJOY BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE AWESOME AND I ALWAYS WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU!!!"
CG: AND THEN YOU
CG: UPSTANDING, GRACIOUS, CHIVALROUS YOU
CG: WENT ALL AGGRO ON HER FOR IT AND THREW IT BACK INTO HER CRYING FACE!
CG: BECAUSE YOU ARE A SHITHEAD!!
TG: ok i see what youre saying here but heres a very complex and important point to consider
TG: i didnt want it
CG: SHITHEAD!!!
TG: i didnt want a ghost-faced cousin to the kangaroo karkat
TG: i did not want a possum dead
TG: i did not want it in my bed
TG: i did not want it on my legs
TG: i did not want its eyeless head
TG: i did not want it strider said
CG: DO NOT BESMIRCH THE MEMORY OF TROLL DOCTOR SEUSS WITH YOUR EXECRABLE MOCKERY! HE WAS A SAINT AND TRUE PATRIOT!
TG: whoa no what seriously
TG: thats not like troll james joyce or something seuss is a constant
CG: YOU BLEW IT, BRO. YOU REALLY BLEW IT. I MEAN YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF SUAVE BUT I'M JUST. SHAKING MY HEAD OVER HERE.
TG: it was a giant dead rat in my bed
CG: JUST REALLY SHAKING MY HEAD HERE.
TG: damn
TG: look if it was that big a deal
TG: ill tell her im sorry for losing my cool an everything i mean thats uncalled for regardless i agree
TG: lost some real cred there
TG: but seriously she needs to not drop dead animals onto my sweet sleeping body ever again, bishie as it undoubtedly is
CG: SUFFERER'S TAINT, YOUR VANITY IS DISGUSTING
TG: i mean gifts are cool i dig the hell out of gifts but make it
TG: like
TG: shirts or laptops or a flash-drive filled with piping hot tracks or something
TG: if nepeta's going to bring me dead animals she needs to do it when im awake.
CG: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? I'M NOT ENABLING YOUR FLAPPERY TALKING TO NEPETA FOR YOU. YOU NEED TO CALL HER AND SORT THIS OUT YOURSELF, BRO.
TG: yeah ok youre right gotta be stand up about this no dodging it
TG: or procrastinating i guess
CG: WELL YOU BETTER DO IT QUICK
TG: wait what
TG: what do you mean?
And then there's a huge crash, and Dave turns to his left and sees Equius standing in front of a big Equius-shaped hole in his wall beside his door and Equius says,
"you and I have matters of romantic etiquette to discuss, Mr. Strider".
