#your30s

Since childhood I always yearned for my 30s. (I was an odd child, ok) I had this wisdom beyond my years that told me when I reached my 30s I would love myself in ways not many women do. I would understand who I am, and enjoy being in my skin. This thrilled me. It got me through my 20s, which were insecure and reeked of an identity crisis. On my 30th birthday, I was the happiest I have ever been. I felt the shift one expects to feel on their birthday. It was magic. It did take a bit for my 30s to settle in. But I certainly felt the change.

Enter 33. Saturn return had come and gone. And I was prepared. I harnessed that energy and learned what I had. I caught up to my age (after being stunted from a rough upbringing) and no longer felt like a 20-something stuck in the body of a 30-something.

Problem was, they don't tell you what feeling like your age actually feels like. For me, I feel the weight of age. I no longer feel it possible to be "sprightly" like I had in the past. I could no longer carry myself with that effortless effervescence I once had. I feel the power in my age along with the full bodied power of a Woman, capital W. When standing next to my younger coworkers, I feel the energy difference. Although, I get mistaken for a 25 year old every day, I no longer can carry myself like one; and that bugs me.?.

I am 35 in July. And I struggle in a way completely unexpected. I struggle to carry this wondrous womanly body in a confident manner that is effortlessly powerful. Internally I am confident in my abilities, totally self-sufficient and independent in a way little me feels so safe with and proud of. But the mirror, photos...and...v i d e o s, are not my friend. I see this awkward, dumpy person I do not recognize.

The weight of age...I do not mean physical (although, that does tend to come with it) I mean mentally, emotionally, energetically. How one carries themselves. My internal weight is foreign to me now, she's big. Like big BIG. Meanwhile, I'm only 5'3". I have big girl presence in tiny lady body. Its awkward and difficult to navigate.

To those navigating the weight of age, I hear you, I am you. We are in this together. And also, congrats. We matured. Despite the odds against us- we did it. Something our mothers weren't able to achieve. Its a good problem to have- it means we grew up. Now, to fly the magical things. Ha.

Hari ulang tahun: Tak pernah berhenti untuk ada. Dan seperti itulah Mas, tak pernah hilang dari hati aku.

Selamat merayakan 30 Oktober yang ke-30, calon suami aku❣️

Mas gak bertambah tua, sayang. Tapi semoga Mas selalu menjadi yang lebih baik.

Tiap tahun di hari ulang tahun Mas, Mas mendapat kesempatan baru untuk memulai sesuatu.

Jangan pernah merayakan banyaknya umur Mas, tapi rayakanlah tahun tahun dimana Mas telah bertahan.

Mas,

aku gabisa janji bisa memperbaiki masalah Mas, tapi aku bisa janji bahwa Mas ga akan menghadapi semua itu sendiri. Insha Allah, Allah akan mengizinkan dan meridhoi kalau aku akan selalu ada di samping Mas, membersamai Mas di momen momen kehidupan selanjutnya.

Mas,

maaf hehe aku ga kasih hadiah kemarin. Kalau Mas mau, aku sih cuma mau ngasih cinta, tawa, hati yang damai, mimpi yang istimewa dan kebahagiaan selamanya. Semoga Allah meridhoi ya Mas.

Nah, kalau Mas merasa hidup yang Mas jalani sekarang bukanlah yang Mas impikan, coba reset ulang Mas.. Belum terlambat Mas. Orang yang akhirnya menyesal adalah mereka yang takut berubah. Mereka memutuskan untuk bertahan dari hal yang sebenarnya dirasa tidak baik. Ketika Mas pingin berubah, yakin deh bahwa niat itu datangnya dari diri Mas sendiri. Jangan mau didikte orang lain yang mengatakan "Hey, kamu udah 30 tahun, loh!"

Sekali lagi,

Selamat ulang tahun! Semoga Mas mendapatkan semua yang Mas inginkan. Eh, Mas kan udah mendapatkan semua yang Mas inginkan… aku! hehe.

Real happiness is just beginning, sayangku! Cheers❤️