Informed consent: chapter 4
Word count: 14,866
Mia put on her coat and watched as Harry did the same. He faintly waved over at some people and Mia felt guilty instantly. Harry had caught her look though and shook his head, “Don’t even think about apologising.”
Mia felt her cheeks heating a little and then nibbled her lip, “Still. I hope your friends don’t think I’m rude because I didn’t even say hi to them.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Harry waved it away and Mia decided to drop it. Flipping her hair out of the neckline of the blazer she borrowed from Hazel, she stepped up to their table.
Renan and Lynn shot her a knowing, teasing look after having seen Mia at the bar with Harry, but Mia just shot them a small smile and diverted her attention to Hazel, “I’m gonna go home.” She announced softly.
Hazel grinned, “Okay.”
“Hi.” Harry behind her greeted her friends in a low voice, and they all shot him blinding smiles which made Mia blush harder. Mia cleared her throat, “H-Harry’s going to walk me home.” She informed, not missing the way Hazel’s smile widened even more at the information, “Okay.”
“Bye.” Mia breathed before she turned around. Harry chuckled from behind her but followed along. The bell to the bar dinged as they opened up the door, and the rain was instantly sensible on their heads. “Oh.” Mia mumbled, wrapping the blazer a little tighter around her as Harry glanced up at the sky, “Shit, ‘s a rough night.”
Mia felt guilty all over again but tried hard to keep her mouth shut and not apologise all the time. Harry rubbed his palms together and shot her a smile, “Which way?”
She inhaled a breath and nudged her head towards the opposite street, “That way.”
They braved the rain together, hardly able to get a few words in as it clattered against the sidewalk so harshly. They tried a few times, constantly having to yell ‘what?!’ to the other person until they laughed it off and continued walking. Mia exhaled in relief when her building came into view and she pulled her key out of her purse.
Harry hurried under the overhang, running his hand through his wet hair before shaking it out a little. Mia shuddered in her wet coat, hair matting against the back of the leather as she turned around and shot Harry a small smile, “Thank you for walking me home.”
A wet droplet hung from the tip of his nose as he smiled back, “No problem. Wanted you to get home safe.”
Her heart warmed at his sentiment. Never in a million years did she dare to imagine that the man who made her cry earlier this week would be the one to make her feel so giddy only days later. She bit her lip to hide her smile and cleared her throat, “Do you want to come up for some hot tea? Oh, and I could give you that book from Maya Angelou.”
Harry blinked a few times and eventually nodded, “Yeah, I’d love to.”
“Alright.” Mia beamed before turning around and letting them into the building. Their footsteps left wet puddles in the hallways as Mia brought them up to the second floor and then stopped in front of one of the doors, opening it up with another key.
The apartment was still a bit chaotic from having people over earlier and Mia mumbled an apology, “Sorry it’s so messy, we haven’t cleaned yet and it’s been a chaotic week.”
“Hey, I live with two other guys. Don’t worry about it.” Harry joked, stepping inside carefully. The scent of cinnamon mixed with vanilla entered his nose, and he suspected some lovely candle was the culprit for the heavenly scent that he would now forever associate with Mia. He glanced over his shoulder to see her shrugging off the wet coat, running her fingers through her hair before she bent down to unzip her boots.
His eyes lingered on the curve of her ass in the flared jeans and he admired her body for a second before looking away, realising how inappropriate it was. He was here to warm up and get the book, and that was it.
Mia put on some fluffy slippers that Harry found completely adorable before she turned around to face him, “You can take off your coat, you must be freezing.” She walked up to him, bringing up her hands. His eyes widened at the thought she might take it upon herself to unzip it, but it seemed like Mia realised all of a sudden what she was about to do – and stopped.
She took a step back with pink cheeks and cleared her throat, “Y-You can hang it up on the coat rack next to mine. Do you want tea?”
Harry tried to keep the hammering of his chest under control, “Yes, I do.”
“Okay.” She piped up, hurrying into the kitchen while muttering under her breath how stupid she was and how much of a fool she was making of herself. Mia busied herself with putting on the kettle as Harry took a curious look around the apartment. He stared at some of the pictures on the wall and Mia noticed him, “Those are all Hazel’s.”
Harry looked at the pictures of Hazel, smiling along with her friends who he recognized from the bar earlier. The boy with the blue hair had pink hair in one of the shots. Harry nodded at Mia’s words and continued walking along.
Mia had trouble keeping her breathing under control with a boy like him walking around her apartment. It dawned on her how alone they were in here and how silent it was. She fiddled with some tea bags, “What flavour do you want?”
Harry turned to face her, “I quite liked what you gave me today during therapy. D’you have any more of that?”
Mia’s lips curled up into a smile as she bashfully nodded, “Y-Yeah.” She wasn’t sure why she liked it so much that Harry enjoyed her recommendations, even if it was for something as silly as tea.
She poured two cups of the hot, steaming water and dropped tea bags in it before padding over the couch, making sure she didn’t slip or spill anything. With her lip between her teeth, she put them down on the coffee table and then sat down on the couch, Harry joining her soon after.
There was a decent distance between them, and she fiddled with her wet hair again before reaching for her clip which was on the table, occupying her hands as they wrapped around her locks and she twisted it into an updo to keep the dripping ends off of her back.
She glanced to her side to find Harry softly smiling at her and she blushed while looking down, “Do you want something to eat? Are you hungry?”
“No, ‘m good. Thanks for the offer, Mia.” Harry responded before they fell into a comfortable silence. There were a few dim lights on around the room and the overall vibe was cosy.
“Are you warm enough? Do you need an extra sweater? I-I think they’d all be a bit small on you but still – if your clothes are wet you should take them off before you get sick. I would feel horrible if you got a fever because of this.” Mia turned to rambling to ease her anxiety and Harry looked at her with playful eyes, “I should take them off, hm? What’re you suggesting here, Mia?”
Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped as a deep red flush rose up her neck, “Oh my god, I-I’m n-“
“Mia.” Harry threw his head back in a laugh while shaking his head, “Relax, ‘m only messing with you. It’s alright, my clothes aren’t wet and I’m definitely warm enough.”
“Oh.” She blushed furiously, embarrassment taking over that she never really got his sarcastic jokes when he made them, and she fiddled with her thumbs when she felt a little silly for always taking everything so seriously.
“I-I’m quickly going to put something else on, I’m a little cold.” She spoke in a small voice, slightly desperate to get away from him for just a second so she could recompose herself. She really hadn’t thought it through when asking him up to the flat with her. Was he expecting something? Was she unwillingly flirting again like Tyler thought she had? Was she coming across as desperate?
She sighed and palmed her face, standing in front of her closet as she quickly unbuttoned the floral top she spent so long picking out hours prior. She threw it to the floor in frustration, standing in her light pink bra before yanking on an oversized jumper. The look wasn’t as cute as the previous top had been, but at least she was warm and cosy and could hide in her clothes a little when Harry decided to make a comment that would turn her cheeks as pink as the jumper she chose.
Taking a breather, Mia decided to sit down on the edge of her bed for just a moment. Her mind was spinning and she was so nervous to be alone with him, so nervous to blurt out something stupid that would turn him off. She didn’t know what signals he was giving off or how to even read them. She thought one thing – that he liked her a little – but maybe he meant something completely different.
A slight knock on her door made her jump up when her spiralling thoughts were interrupted.
“Mia? Can I come in?” Harry’s voice sounded muffled behind the door and Mia pressed her lips together before readjusting the clip in her hair and getting up. Her bunny slippers carried her to the door that she carefully opened.
Harry was dimly lit up by the hallway lights behind him and he leaned against the doorpost casually while looking down at her, “Everything alright? I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable before, I didn’t mean it like that.”
Mia exhaled a trembling breath, “Y-You didn’t?”
Harry narrowed his eyes and looked at her unsurely, contemplating what the correct answer was. He knew his little joke from earlier had made her shy and embarrassed even if he hadn’t meant for her to feel like that at all. But Harry was nervous, sitting on the couch with Mia all alone in her apartment after walking her home. A week ago, he didn’t even know this girl and now she occupied every minute of his day.
He bit his lip and then just decided to be honest, “Honestly? I did. But it came out wrong, and I’m sorry if it was too much.”
He wasn’t sure how Mia was going to take it, but she appreciated his honesty and let out a small breath, offering him a small smile, “Okay.”
Harry relaxed too, smiling back before peaking into the space behind her, “Is this your room?”
“Wh- Oh. Yeah.” Mia responded, turning around too, “It’s really messy right now, they all helped me pick out an outfit earlier.” She explained, hurrying through the room to pick up some pieces of clothing scattered around and shove them into the half-open closet. She tidied up at a speed Harry had never really seen before, flying through the space with her arms full before she flicked on the sheet so it covered more of her mattress.
Harry stared around the room, nodding to himself, “Wow. It’s… about four times the size of my room.” He chuckled. Mia smiled and bit her lip, “Really? Yeah, we’re quite blessed with this apartment, we love it here. Hazel’s room is a little bigger than mine.”
Harry’s eyes glanced over the double bed with the white sheets, and overall the room was quite blank and not really decorated. Her desk was the most cluttered area of the entire room, books and books with school material littering the white desk as notes were scattered around. Harry assumed it was Mia’s most used place in the apartment.
He went to look back at Mia, who had her back to him as she flicked her eyes over her bookcase before putting her finger on the spine of one and pulling it out, “Here you go.” She turned around, offering Harry the book they had spoken about earlier today.
Why the caged bird sings.
Harry grinned as he nodded, “This is really cool. Thank you, Mia, for letting me borrow it.”
“That’s alright.” She smiled back, “I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.”
His smile fell a little and Harry swallowed while looking down at his shoes, “I-I want to apologise again for Tuesday. I was so rude to you and yet you gave me another chance. And I really appreciate that.” He honestly admitted. The words he had spewed at her were fresh in Mia’s brain, but getting to know Harry a little bit better – she knew he wasn’t truly like that.
It had been his anger and frustration towards the school and the system that he had worked out on her. It wasn’t the right way to talk to someone but he apologised and realised that, so she forgave him for his little outburst.
“It’s okay.” She murmured, “I forgive you. Really.”
Harry’s face lit up as he sighed, shoulders dropping a little. His gaze felt heavy and Mia shuffled a little as she felt herself growing smaller and more self-conscious. Her hands fumbled with the sleeves of her jumper and Harry chuckled under his breath, “You’re so cool.”
Her brows raised on instinct, “Me?”
“Yeah, silly. You.” Harry smiled, not stopping himself before he took a step forward. Mia held her breath, inhaling the scent of perfume lingering around Harry so subtly yet perfectly fitting him. She adored it immediately and was addicted in an instant. She couldn’t blink, not when Harry leaned down.
Mia didn’t dare looking up, didn’t dare tilting her head back. She was excited, but also very scared that he was going to try and maybe kiss her. She wasn’t ready, but luckily for her, Harry sensed that. He wanted to show his gratitude, and he wanted to show that he truly did feel an interest towards her, but he wanted to respect her boundaries after she had already unsuccessfully rejected someone tonight who didn’t get the hint.
So he settled on a brush of his lips against her cheekbone. He could feel the soft inhale of a gasp the moment his lips made contact with her soft skin, and he puckered his lips gently to press a kiss right to the high of her cheek, lingering just for a moment before he pulled back with a little smack.
Her face was priceless, and if Harry focussed on it too much, he was sure he’d start laughing. So he just settled on a little chuckle at the pure shock written in her eyes and then trailed his fingers down her arm, “Come on, our tea’s getting cold.”
He casually turned around and walked back into the living room, leaving Mia completely flustered and breathless. She looked at his back, and even if she didn’t see his face, she knew he was smirking. He had to be. Harry was kind, but he still took pleasure in seeing her suffer just a little bit. And this was one of those moments, where he knew exactly what he was doing – driving her absolutely crazy – but enjoyed it at the same time.
Mia needed a second before she could follow him out into the living room again, seeing Harry lazily on the couch like he had been in this space his entire life. His cup of tea was on his lap, comfortably resting in one of his large palms as Mia slid into the couch next to him.
“So… exposure therapy on Tuesday, hm?” Harry broke the silence. Mia took a breath and forced herself to nod, “Mhm.”
“Who invented that?”
She relaxed on the couch a little while racking her brain, “Pavlov, I think.”
Harry frowned at her, “Isn’t that the guy with the dog?”
“Yeah.” She chuckled, “He invented conditioning in the early 1900s.”
“So…” Harry drew out, “do you expect me to start drooling when I walk into the library?”
Mia giggled under her breath, a sound Harry realised he found extremely pleasant and wanted to hear so much more of. Mia bit her lip to hide her smile as she shook her head, “I hope not.”
“Isn’t it usually used for phobias? Like people who fear spiders have to hold one or something?”
“It is.” Mia nodded, “Look at you, knowing so much about psychology.” She slightly teased, blushing a little at how comfortable she felt and Harry noticed it too, staring at her with a pleased glimmer in his eyes, “D’you think I missed my calling, Dr. Phil?”
“Oh, definitely.”
“What kind of a therapist would I be, then? Enlighten me.”
Mia smiled wide and licked her bottom lip, “Let me think… Probably a liberal one.”
“Very true.” Harry nodded.
Mia tilted her head to the side, “But do you really agree always with liberal ethics? I know in philosophy, natural liberal ethics were actually quite Christian,” Mia spoke, “most of the intercourse was forbidden unless it was meant for procreation. Like… fetishism was seen as immoral because it was one-sided, just one person fantasising about another. Whereas homosexuality wasn’t because it was mutual.”
“It’s so androcentric like that.” Harry muttered, completely in awe of how smart Mia was and how much he enjoyed talking to her about stuff like this, “Wasn’t it Gundorf who broadened that? Made it more secular? But even then, monogamy was the only way to go.”
Mia shifted on her seat a little, “You’re not monogamous?”
“If I’m in a relationship, sure.” Harry nodded firmly and Mia felt slight relief taking over her body for some reason as she nodded along. Harry cleared his throat, “Yeah, I don’t really like to share. I think sex in a relationship is really between you and your partner. Of course when you’re single, you don’t really have to stay monogamous. But it’s different.”
“How so?” Mia questioned softly. Harry avoided her gaze, suddenly feeling a little nervous to talk about this kind of stuff, stuff that made him a little vulnerable, “Well… I think sex is supposed to be fun and free, but I think it’d be more fun and free with someone I really know? And trust? I think it’s great if you’re with someone for a long time and you can keep exploring one another, try new things… those are things you don’t really get to do if it’s just one time.”
Mia stared at him intently, taking in his words as she listened to every syllable rolling off his lips. Once again, she had to really focus on what he was saying and not on the way his pink lips moved when he talked. If she focussed too much on that, every noise just got drowned out and she forgot how to blink.
“How about you?” Harry asked after a soft clearing of his throat, clasping his hands together as he happily shifted the attention away from himself. Mia got pulled from her train of thought and raised her brows, “Me?”
“Yeah,” Harry chuckled, “you. Are you monogamous?”
She wasn’t sure how to answer his question, but to be honest – she never really saw herself as someone with many sexual experiences. She wouldn’t mind being with just one person all her life, if he loved her right and they were happy. And they had fun. Mia had no idea what she liked or disliked or how to do any of that, so if it was someone who could pull her through and make her feel good about herself… she’d be sold.
Sexy was something Mia had never felt before. She didn’t know what it was like. So maybe that was something she was looking for, someone who made her feel sexy, wanted and treasured.
“Yes.” She eventually nodded. Harry softly smiled and nodded before they fell into a short silence.
Mia took a long sip of tea before taking a breath, “But yes, it was Gundorf who broadened it, you’re right.” She took the topic back to what it was before. “He was also the one starting up the topic of consent.”
Harry hummed and nodded, “True. But then there was the criticism about consent and spontaneity. That the two don’t match. Which I don’t agree with. You can be spontaneous with someone and still have it be consensual. I think it’s one of the most attractive things to know that the other person really agrees and wants you.”
Mia softly smiled and nodded, “I think that’s a nice way to look at it.”
It was almost comical really, how comfortable the topic of sex and intercourse got to her when speaking about in a more theoretical way.
“Honestly, the Christian view on sex is so outdated.” Harry mused, “Did you know that at one point, homosexual love was considered elite? Because men were superior, so nothing could be more superior than two men.”
Mia raised her brows, “Really? Then why did it become such a taboo at one point?”
“Don’t know.” Harry shrugged, “Society changes, it still does. All the time. And I think it’s good that it does, that the views on sex have become much broader than they used to be.” He spoke, “Procreation, pfft.” He huffed under his breath and Mia smiled in amusement at his little frustration.
“Such a biological approach, right?” He continued, “I mean, if sex was only meant for procreation, why do women have a clit?”
Mia choked on her sip of tea, sputtering out coughs as she covered her mouth with one hand to catch her breath, “Jesus Christ, Harry.” She scolded with red cheeks, covering her face to hide from him with the jumper pawing her hands once she was through her coughing fit. He smirked at her reaction as she made herself into a little ball on the couch, bringing her legs up.
She had an amused smile on her lips though when pulling back, and exhaled a sigh while shaking her head.
“What?” Harry chuckled and she shrugged while smiling, “Nothing. You just… you’re so blunt.”
“I speak my mind.” He admitted and she hummed, “Very unapologetic.”
Harry leaned his head against the back of the couch, covered by a chequered blanket, “Is that Dr. Phil speaking or just you?”
Mia fought her giggle, “Just me.”
“I think I prefer just you over therapist Mia.” Harry murmured. Mia’s face fell a little and she glanced down before nodding, “Me too.”
Harry pressed his lips together as he drew a breath, “Do you like it? Psychology?”
“Yes.” Her answer was immediate and rehearsed and Harry turned his body towards her a little more, his tea sloshing around the cup, “Do you really?”
Mia blinked, unsure if anyone had ever asked her that question twice, and her composure faltered, “I don’t know.” She mumbled, “I’ve just started, so it’s a little hard to tell.”
“Is it really?” Harry frowned, “I mean, you’re giving these therapy sessions. Do you like that?”
“I don’t know.” Mia spoke again and Harry sighed out in thought, “Was there ever anything else you wanted to do?”
Mia smiled softly and nodded, “I did. I’ve always wanted to be a surgeon. It’s not very realistic, I could never do that,” She chuckled while shrugging, “but it was sort of a dream.” Mia swallowed, “I had a bit of a reality check when starting uni, realising they cut me a lot of slack in high school and… well, I’m not that great of a student.”
“What do you mean?” Harry asked and Mia shrugged, avoiding his eyes, “My grades aren’t all that amazing. I-I’m trying a lot, to lift them. I study so much.” Mia sighed, tiredly resting her head. Harry frowned as he took her in, seeing how tired she actually was. Exhausted. She masked it easily with her smile and her big eyes, but Mia was tired.
“Have you ever considered doing something else?” Harry proposed and Mia flicked her eyes up to see him, “Like what?”
He chuckled, “I don’t know. There’s lots of things that you can do. What do you want to do? What seems realistic? What’s interesting to you?”
Mia opened her mouth but nothing came out, unsure of how to answer Harry’s array of questions. Once again, it was something no one had really asked her before he did. Harry noticed her hesitance, “How did you choose psychology? What made you pick it?”
He was curious about her reasons since he didn’t feel a passion radiating from her. She almost knew more about philosophy, even agreeing with him on certain points where he’d had heated discussions about with fellow psychologists. If this was really where she was at, he could imagine her not enjoying lots of her classes if she didn’t even agree with her professors.
Mia thought about his question. What made her pick psychology? The thing was that she didn’t, her parents did. She had never truly felt a passion towards it, but forced herself to like it because it’s what they wanted for her and they found it an appropriate field.
After talking to both Hazel and Harry quite a bit, she realised how interesting philosophy was, and she sometimes craved following those lessons more than her own. She couldn’t imagine the disgust on her parent’s faces though if she’d ever suggest something like that. Philosophy was a field without prospects, according to them.
“I-I didn’t really pick it.” Mia carefully mumbled, staring down at her fingers. Harry didn’t say anything, giving her the time to think about her words and Mia took a breath, “My parents… they thought it’d be something good for me.”
She didn’t exactly dare looking at Harry. Saying the words made it sound so stupid, and she wondered if he thought she was weak when speaking them. Harry could only really stare at her with a shocked expression. He had heard of many parents nudging their children in certain directions. Obviously, parents knew their children. If someone wanted to do a field that was way beyond their level, parents could give advice. But that’s what they were supposed to do; give advice. Not choose in their place.
Not like they had done for Mia. Harry really tried to give them a fair shot, but they had already fucked up tremendously in his book. He wondered how happy she’d be if she studied something she enjoyed and was passionate about. How much more lively she’d be, how much more bright than she already was.
“They just… decided?” Harry carefully asked and Mia nodded quickly, “Yeah. They did.”
He huffed out in disbelief, “Mia… they can’t just do that. Aren’t they supposed to let you try and figure it out? Not many people know instantly what they wanna be when they’re older, or what they want to study. It’s why so many people fail their first year. And it’s not a crime to fail or to choose something else, to find something that’s better for you. The system is designed for you to have room for failure. Who knows what they want for the rest of their lives at eighteen? No one.”
The word failing made Mia near tremble, but she frowned at Harry’s words. She had never thought of it that way. “I-I thought they just wanted the best for me.” She mumbled, “That they knew me best.”
“They probably do want the best for you.” Harry nodded, “But I don’t think they know you best, I think you know you best. Like I said, nothing wrong with wiggle room to figure things out.”
They fell into a silence, Mia thinking about Harry’s words intently as he watched her get lost in thought. He scooted a little closer on the couch, “Do they do that a lot? Decide things for you?”
Mia shamefully looked down, one big thing coming to mind that maybe she felt like Harry should know about. He saw the reactions he gave and frowned a little deeper, “Mia?”
She sighed and lifted her head, “They’ve kind of decided who I’m going to end up with.”
Harry blinked a few times, feeling like the air got punched out of his lungs. Did he really develop a crush on someone he had no chance with? Who was taken? He had never even considered the fact she might be dating someone else or – god forbid – have a boyfriend back home.
“W-What do you mean?” He asked and Mia sighed again, pressing her lips together, “They want me to end up with Daniel. He’s my age, the son of a family friend and business partner of my dad.”
Harry exhaled a shaky breath, “Daniel…”
“Yeah.” Mia murmured, “I-I’ve met him a few times. He’s – uh… nice.” She voiced carefully. She didn’t actually know him all that well and the thought of him made her scrunch her nose up.
Harry frowned deeper, unsure of what Mia was trying to say as he swallowed thickly, “You like him?”
“Sure.” She shrugged before catching the pained look in Harry’s eyes and realising what she said. She gasped, “Oh – god, no. Well, n-not like that. I don’t like like him.” She quickly added. Harry lifted his eyes, “You don’t?”
“No.” Mia quickly shook her head, “I don’t really know him. He seems really… serious. I don’t know.”
Harry nodded slowly, processing the amount of information he had received already. “And what is something you’re looking for then?”
Mia took a breath as she pondered his question and eventually shrugged, “I-I think it’s nice when you can laugh with someone. I’m not – uh…” She searched for words, “naturally the most funny person. But I think it’s nice when you can smile with someone. I like to smile.
Harry’s lips involuntarily curled up at her words. He couldn’t get over how adorable and cute she was and she really just wanted to scoop her up and wrap his arms around him. He dug his hand into the couch cushion instead, leaning his head to the side, “Hmm. You’re really pretty when you smile.”
“Harry.” She blushed bashfully, hiding her smile by biting her lip and casting her eyes down, playing with her fingers. He smirked a little at her shy reaction and held his breath when reaching a hand out. Mia’s eyes widened when she saw the hand slowly approaching, and she lifted her eyes in surprise.
Harry’s touch was tender, pads of his fingertips brushing over the skin of her face. He traced her eyebrow, the shape of her nose and her cupid’s bow, making her stare at him in a trance. Mia was leaning forward before she realised it, completely hunched over towards Harry as if his magic hand was coaxing her into his space.
“What happens when you end up liking someone else?” Harry whispered, coming up with the same question Hazel did earlier. Mia just stared at him, her ears filled with stardust to the point she hadn’t even heard his voice. She gasped in a soft breath when his thumb gently tapped her bottom lip before dragging down to her chin, tilting her head up ever so softly, “Hm?”
“W-What?” She croaked out. Harry smiled, butterflies erupting through his entire body as he stared at her with hearts in his eyes, “I asked what happens when you end up liking someone else.”
“I don’t know.” Mia whispered back, “I like you.”
She didn’t realise what she had said until she saw the raise of Harry’s brows and the way his smile got wider, “Yeah?”
“Oh.” Mia straightened up, snapped out of her trance in a second as she looked at him with horror in her eyes, “Oh god.” She groaned to herself, crawling away on the couch to the far end, only making Harry laugh louder at her behaviour when she hid from him at her sudden confession.
It wasn’t fair, really. It was like he had hypnotised her and she had no control over her words, brain and body. Especially not her body. The dull throb between her legs felt slightly uncomfortable and Mia clenched her thighs together at the unfamiliar feeling.
His green eyes had coaxed that secret truth from between her lips, and Harry felt his heart fluttering as she shied away from him after the confession. He followed her body to the other end of the couch, hesitating slightly before placing both hands on her drawn up knees to get her attention.
“Mia.” He murmured with a grin, breathing out a chuckle when she winced and he brought one hand up to pry her hands away from her face. She dropped them and revealed her pink skin as she glanced up at him through her lashes, “Sorry.”
He still had both hands on her knees, leaning in a little bit until he popped his chin up on one, staring at her, “What’re you sorry for?”
She nibbled her lip nervously and shrugged, nearly unable to look him in the eye. She felt utterly stupid and childish, and she wondered if Harry did the same. She wanted to be bubbly and confident and sexy and adventurous, the type of girl who’d have a spontaneous escapade in a library with a fellow student with the risk of getting caught – but she just wasn’t.
And she couldn’t help but wonder if she was even remotely Harry’s type.
Harry could see the wheels in her head spinning and after a little more squirming from her, he decided to put her out of her misery. He licked his bottom lip, nerves coursing through his veins, “I like you too.”
Mia felt like she’d sleep all through tomorrow from how intense this night had been. She was exhausted, but her heart was hammering as she blinked at Harry, lazily leaning on her knees and taking in her shocked reaction. His smile grew with seconds as the flush rose up her neck and she stupidly giggled, “Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.” Harry laughed a little before shaking his head, “I’d like to take you out.” The tea was long forgotten when Harry asked her the question Mia had been fantasising about. He was being a perfect gentleman about it too and she sucked in a short breath, “I’m – okay. Yeah.”
“Yeah?” Harry chuckled and she eagerly nodded, “Yeah. B-But we’re still doing the sessions?”
“True.” Harry mumbled, “Maybe after the sessions are over then. Gives us plenty of time to get to know one another. Who knows, you might find out something about me that sets you off.” Harry joked but his words held truth. He was terrified after spilling his feelings that had never come so early for someone ever before.
He’d only had a handful of conversations with Mia, but it was just something he felt. He felt drawn to her, attracted. And not just because she was gorgeous to look at, but the way she carried herself. She was interesting, and she was smarter than most people he had ever met. Their little discussions about philosophy energised him so much, even making the entire subject more of interest to him.
Like he couldn’t wait to read about the stuff she spoke about to learn more about her point of view and broaden his own horizons. Harry felt like he wanted to know everything about her, from the way she felt to the way he thought.
Shortly after both making their confessions, Harry decided to leave Mia alone so she could sleep. Her lids had become droopy and even though he secretly hoped she’d invite him to stay the night just so he could hold her warm body to his – she didn’t. Part of him knew she wouldn’t, it would all be way too quick and what he wanted with her could wait. It was special, he wanted to take his time and not rush into the physical aspect – which was the mistake he usually made – and just give her time and space to be comfortable around him.
With the book tucked under his arm, he roamed the wet streets of the campus until walking up into his student house. The lights were still on and he walked in to see Liam and Niall eating some leftover pizza at the table. They looked like they just got home from the bar, their brows up when they saw Harry walking in.
“Hey. There you are.” Niall smirked while Harry couldn’t wipe the broad smile off of his lips. He shrugged off his wet coat and took off his beanie, not feeling cold at all after the kiss he left on Mia’s cheek at her door, leaving her with a giddy smile and glimmering eyes before he walked two floors down to exit her building.
“Yeah.” Harry chuckled, kicking off his shoes and reaching for a piece of pizza.
Liam narrowed his eyes, “You really only look this happy when you’ve gotten laid.”
Harry rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Not true.”
“Niall,” Liam spoke, diverting his attention to their third roommate.
Niall popped his chin up on his hands to stare at Liam intently, “Yes, my darling.”
“Twat.” Liam chuckled before clearing his throat, “Tell me, have you ever seen young Harold this smiley?”
Harry rolled his eyes again while grabbing some cold water from the fridge. He felt like he needed to cool down. Just being in Mia’s presence set his skin on fire for some reason, and it didn’t feel like any amount of cold rain could dose it. It was inside of him. He quickly gulped down some of the cold liquid, trying to forget what she smelled like when he was so close to him.
Her shampoo was something floral, matching her just perfectly for some reason. Like a delicate flower, she was so… soft and pretty. His entire thought process revolved around Mia and he could safely say he had never felt a crush like this before.
“I have not.” Niall spoke in a fake posh accent, “What should we make of this, sir Liam?”
“That our young Harold has a big fat crush on some girl way out of his league.” Liam joked and Harry swiftly turned around with a glare, “Hey!”
Liam cackled out while Niall joined him, teasing their friend to no end as Harry just huffed under his breath. Liam caught his breath and leaned his elbows on the table, “So what happened then? Why didn’t you introduce her to us?”
“Seriously?” Harry raised his brows before nudging his chin in their directions, “Because of this, you idiots. You’d scare her away.”
“Ah, come on,” Niall retorted, “we’re perfectly nice! She’d love us.”
Harry shrugged, not really having any more answer to their question. He supposed he liked being in this little bubble with her. He knew what all his friends were going to think. They’d like her, for sure, but they’d be wary because she was nothing like the girls he usually went for and he didn’t want his mates to scare her off by their inappropriate behaviour.
He wanted to get to know Mia on his own a little at first. After all, he hadn’t even known her a full week yet his body turned to liquid whenever she smiled at him.
“Which one was she again?” He heard Niall whispering to Liam, who whispered back, “The brunette with the flower top on.”
Harry turned around in time to see Niall nodding in recognition and he then flicked his eyes to Harry, “She must’ve been special, you didn’t even say goodbye to your best friends.” He scoffed.
“You’re so dramatic.” Harry rolled his eyes and Niall arched up an eyebrow, “Do you talk to her like that?”
“What?” Harry chuckled before shaking his head, knowing for sure he’d never talk to Mia like that. He just turned into some mushy sap whenever she was around him.
All throughout the weekend, Harry found himself counting down the minutes until Tuesday. He read her book the entire time, paying special attention to the highlighted passages where some had exclamation points next to it or were crookedly underlined in pencil. For someone that neat, the book was chaotic. Harry never thought Mia would be the one to highlight in a book without a liner, or that she’d use permanent ink to write something down.
He found himself admiring even the way she wrote.
They texted back and forth in the days before their therapy session, both of their friends noticing immediately how the other was so happy and giddy.
Mia spilled the entire thing to Hazel the moment they both woke up on Saturday, while Harry kept more to himself. He wasn’t that much of an open book overall, had always learned to kind of keep his thoughts to himself and not take up too much space.
So when Mia had finished her classes on Tuesday, she had a bounce in her step when hurrying over into the North building. She and Harry decided to meet there after her first session and then head to the library together. All the while the girl was speaking to Mia – the girl who had to come in before Harry – she found that she was hardly listening.
She felt bad, letting her emotions get in the way of being a decent therapist, but she had a feeling the girl didn’t really mind that she was basically talking to a wall.
Mia didn’t even care that she hadn’t understood a single thing of her final class of the day – statistical methods for psychological research – and made a mental note to find tutoring sessions for that one too. She had to remember that they had an assignment due next week. It was something Mia had slightly forgotten about since her weekend was spent dreaming about Harry.
Literally dreaming.
Friday after going to bed, she couldn’t help but feel cold under the sheets as she had somehow wished she had been spontaneous enough to take the leap and invite him to stay the night. She had felt a little bad, sending him home in weather like that. But Harry didn’t want to overstep and Mia was too shy, so they both went their separate ways.
Only to be reunited once more today.
Harry had to admit he had looked for her on Monday during lunch, scanning the cafeteria all the way – even the trash table – but there had been no sight of his Mia sitting alone for lunch. Louis had pouted next to him, claiming he had been really looking forward to seeing the girl who had Harry’s balls twisted together.
But Mia was nowhere to be seen. When Harry texted her, she said she only had classes in the morning and then a free period, so she went to eat at home and then would come back to study at the library.
The library, where they’d go together today to check out the broken bookcase, all due to Harry.
Mia’s stomach twisted a little when thinking about it, him so intimate with someone else. She liked to think that she was the first one having certain fantasies about him, the first one who got to know him. Because he was the first one getting to know her. But Harry had been had by others, and Mia wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
It was natural of course, she felt. She couldn’t hold it against him that he had a life before meeting her. That he enjoyed that life with whomever he saw fit. It still felt surreal that he had said he liked her out of all people.
She had spoken to Hazel a little more about him in the weekend, yet Hazel really couldn’t give her much information. Harry wasn’t unfriendly to her, but he was just quiet and kind of to himself. She knew of his friends a little more since they were louder and more popular, but Harry was mostly known as their friend.
And the library thing.
Mia eagerly checked her phone to check the hour as she sat in her seat in room two, waiting for him. She already had her coat on and everything packed after having used Harry’s notebook and pen again for her previous session.
A soft knock on the door made her heart jump and Mia got up from the chair, quickly opening it.
She couldn’t help the happy giggle escaping her throat when she saw him on the other end, breathless and pink cheeks from running all the way here.
“Hey.” He chuckled and she smiled wide, “Hi. Ready to go?”
Harry’s face fell as he winced a little, “Do we have to? Can’t we just… stay here and talk?”
Mia pressed her lips together, completely ready to give into Harry’s question and quickly nod, but she did have certain responsibilities with these therapy sessions. Nibbling her lip, she tilted her head to the side and Harry knew she was about to reject his offer, so he just softly pouted.
Mia felt her insides firing up at the sight of his plump bottom lip pouting out. Mia had never before kissed anyone, but she felt a constant urge to just touch Harry’s lips. With her own. Over and over again. It was a strange lust to feel, the idea of wanting to taste someone. She couldn’t explain what it was, why she wanted it so bad, why she dreamed of it and got completely hypnotised by the sight of his lips.
She had been taken back to that moment he touched her lip and stared at her so intently, many times. Usually it woke her up with a gasp as she stifled her moan, completely embarrassed by how hot and bothered she felt with that on her mind.
Harry wore his dark beanie again, just a few tendrils of soft hair sticking out of the fabric.
He exhaled a breath, “Alright, show me the way, Dr. Phil.” He teased her a little with the nickname and Mia chuckled at him, walking outside with him with her bag over her shoulder. Part of her felt slightly nervous walking around campus with him for everyone to see. Not that people paid attention or that they really minded, Mia felt, and they were just walking next to one another, but it felt like a step.
“So what’s really the point of this?” Harry grumbled, his hands tucked into the pockets of his coat as he walked next to Mia on their way to the library, across the campus grounds.
Mia chuckled and shrugged, bundling her scarf a little tighter around her. The wisps escaping her braid tickled her forehead, “I just thought it might be nice to get out of the room for a bit, go see the place where – uh… it happened.”
“It?”
Mia winced under her breath, shaking her head to herself, “Don’t make me say it.” She murmured.
Harry breathed out a playful laugh, gently pressing his palm into her lower back as an affectionate touch that nearly made Mia buckle through her knee as they walked through campus. She smiled along at their changed dynamic and how Harry really had no red flags in her book.
Hazel had explained that to her, the red flags. After explaining her conversation with Tyler, it turned out he had a bunch of them. Randomly walking up to someone in a bar – all confident and stuff – was one of them apparently. Mia felt like Hazel had been extra harsh on Tyler after Mia explained how he made her feel during that short conversation.
Unsafe. Uncomfortable. Small.
So Hazel was angry, cursing him out and using words Mia didn’t feel like repeating. After going through all the usual insults that made Mia’s eyes widen, Hazel turned to silly, self-made insults that quickly made Mia giggle and laugh. Eventually they were both laughing and rolling around the couch.
“Dickbutt!” Hazel had shrieked, making Mia cackle out and clutch her stomach as the pair laughed around. Mia had never imagined she could laugh about a situation like that. It truly only hit her when Harry had left and the butterflies in her tummy had settled a bit. There was an underlying discomfort there, and Mia started wondering for the first time what would’ve happened if Harry hadn’t intervened.
Well, Mia knew what would’ve happened. She would’ve given Tyler her number in an attempt to satisfy him and get him to leave her alone.
It was another thing she talked about to Hazel – really opening up to her this weekend. Mia had padded into Hazel’s room with a small voice, carefully asking what men felt like flirting was. Maybe Tyler picked up some signals Mia didn’t mean to send? Maybe she gave off the wrong idea?
Hazel pulled her into a hug at that and they cuddled in her bed. Hazel was no Harry, but somehow she was even better. Mia felt a very strong connection to her, and she had quickly become her best friend and confidant. It was a nice bonus for having a nice roommate, that they got along so well and it just worked. Neither of them were perfect, but they kept the other’s feelings into account.
Mia couldn’t believe how nice Hazel’s friends had been, and apparently they had all liked her too. Mia beamed at that. The thought that people liked her and didn’t fake their smiles or didn’t have to try too hard to have a conversation with her, warmed her heart. All her life she had been told she wasn’t very sociable and she was a bit of a nerd. Her parents fed into that, near shoving her nose between the books.
Now that it turned out she wasn’t that great of a student either, Mia had been struggling a little with what she was supposed to be good at then.
“We’re here.” Mia smiled once they stood in front of the library building. Harry glanced at it warily and with little enthusiasm while Mia was near bouncing on her feet. She had to admit she really liked the library. It was a very safe space for her and she had spent countless hours studying here already.
Opening up the thick, heavy doors, they were met with a comfortable warmth that made Mia’s insides bubble a little bit. This time she wasn’t here to instantly walk up to her favourite study spot – always a little bouncy and giddy when she noticed no one had taken it yet – but they were here for Harry.
“Hi Myriam.” Mia whispered silently to the lady working the front desk of the library. Myriam was around seventy and had worked here her entire life. She had glasses on her nose and her hair was silver, her lips bright red. Her face lit up when she spotted Mia, “Mia, darling!” She grinned wide before her face fell and she noticed Harry, “Mister Sinclair.” She greeted.
“Hey.” He mumbled and she shot him a critical look over the rim of her glasses, “Come to destroy something else?”
Harry rolled his eyes in annoyance and Mia bit her lip to hide her laugh before she gently tugged on the sleeve of his coat, “Come on.” She whispered.
Harry sighed in little enthusiasm and followed Mia around the library as she took turns and walked them through nooks he had never seen here before. Honestly, Harry had only been in here a handful of times when he had to read something for his classes. He usually studied together with his friends in their own student home or he went to some coffee bar.
Maybe that’s where it went wrong and why he blew his first year, Harry suddenly thought. He watched as Mia’s eyes scanned the racks of books and she comfortably walked around the library, knowing every turn and every section by heart. He mindlessly trailed behind her, not even looking around much but keeping his eyes on her.
They were on the ground floor still, where the regular books were. They passed the young-adult section and the science stuff before bumping into some philosophy books.
Mia smiled wider when she noticed the Maya Angelou book in the case, her finger pulling at the spine to check it out just like Harry had seen her do in her bedroom a few days prior. He leaned against the bookcase as Mia inspected the spotless copy of why the caged bird sings.
“Have you started it?” Mia softly asked and Harry smiled softly before nodding, tucking one hand in the pocket of his jeans as he leaned his head against the bookcase too, staring at her, “I have. Read it all weekend.”
Her eyes grew twice their size and if Harry really focussed, he swore he could see little beating hearts in them. Mia clutched the book to her chest bashfully and bit her lip as she smiled wide and shy, “Y-You did?”
“Yeah.” Harry whispered, “It’s really good. I like seeing the passages you highlighted. I read over them a couple of times because I know they were important to you.”
Mia swooned, also clumsily leaning into the bookcase as she stared up at Harry as if he was the only thing she had ever seen. Her heart was bursting out of its seams at the words he spoke. It was all she ever wanted, for someone to show such a true interest in her and not make fun of her or think she was weird. Harry ran with all the little quirks of her he had seen so far and none seemed to have scared him off yet.
He was so open, and it caused her to be so open too. They stood closely together between the books in a silent library, shielded away from the outside world.
Harry softly cleared his throat, his eyes dancing over Mia’s delicate features, “To be left alone on the tightrope of youthful unknowing is to experience the excruciating beauty of full freedom and the threat of eternal indecision.” He casually quoted. Mia stared at him without blinking, her mouth softly parted and Harry shot her a lopsided smile, “That one stuck with me.”
“W-What else?” She croaked out. Harry hummed softly and brought his hand up, focussing on the way his fingers brushed her temple and Mia’s knees felt weak. She was thankful for the bookcase that she had her shoulder and hip against, and for the book she was tightly clutching between her fingers – desperate to hold onto something. If he kept doing what he was doing and saying what he was saying, she’d for sure break the spine of it in two and Myriam would have her pay for it.
But it was all worth it. It was all worth it as long as Harry continued quoting her favourite book to her in the middle of her favourite place.
“The caged bird sings with a fearful trill,” Harry started in a soft voice, and Mia knew exactly what part of the book he was quoting. Harry took a breath and continued, “of things unknown, but longed for still. And his tune is heard on the distant hill, for the caged bird sings of freedom.
“You reminded me of the caged bird a little.” He continued softly whispering. There were no students studying around them, they didn’t have to be quiet, yet they were both whispering and careful of the air around them breaking.
Mia raised her brows, her bottom lip quivering ever so slightly when Harry tucked a loose wavy strand of brown hair behind her ear, “Hm.” He continued, “After what you told me on Friday… I mean, I know it’s totally different, but it did make me think of you.”
Mia couldn’t speak. She was mesmerised, hypnotised and everything in between. She realised how badly she wanted to put her hands on him. How badly she wanted to run her fingers up his chest, preferably underneath the layers of clothes he wore. To feel his warmth, his skin, his little imperfections she knew he was bound to have.
He was so imperfectly perfect. And not being able to touch him right now was complete torture. Her hands gripped the poor book harder.
Harry licked his bottom lip and dropped his hand, “I feel like… you feel like you’re too much. And it’s why you let yourself be silenced.” His voice was so soft, raspy and gentle. Mia heard him, she truly did. His words hit her hard and she blinked a couple of times, yet still unable to look away from his perfect, gorgeous green eyes.
He voiced it perfectly, the way she felt. Mia pressed her lips together and swallowed, giving him the shortest, tiniest nod which she wasn’t even sure Harry noticed, but he of course did. She admitted it, confirmed it, that she did. She felt like she was too much. Like she asked too much, spoke too much, took up too much room.
Harry swallowed thickly and nodded to himself, “I feel that about myself too.” He added in a murmur.
Mia’s lips opened again when she heard him. She felt like Harry was also trying his hardest not to break the eye contact, to keep this moment vulnerable as it was, to keep it so strong between them right now.
Mia’s fingers hurt when she released one hand from the book, dropping it to her side before blindly reaching for Harry’s hand. She realised it was the first time she had seen him blush, even if it was just slightly and even if it wasn’t half as bad as how much she was blushing, but she still felt like it was cute.
“D-Do you know what Hazel always says to me?” Mia whispered. Harry leaned into her a little more, his nose inches from hers as he managed to shake his head. Mia took a breath, “She says… you’ll never be too much for someone who can’t get enough of you.”
His fingers felt warm against hers. Long, bony, tattooed and gently grazing her own as the two of them touched. It felt delicate, the brushing of his fingers against hers. Not really holding hands, not tightly grasping at one another, just softly stroking over skin that touched so many things throughout the day, but never something as precious as the other.
Harry wanted to kiss her. More than he’d ever wanted anything before and probably more than he’d ever want anything in his future. He wanted to kiss her right now. He wanted to taste her lips, already knowing she’d taste like cinnamon and forest fruit tea and cherry lip balm and that he’d smell her floral shampoo and that being close to her would be an explosion of warmth and safety and excitement and he’d be done for life.
It was too soon to say he wanted to spend all his remaining days with her. They had only known each other for a week, but she had become so important to him. Harry didn’t think he had ever connected to someone like this.
He hated it when his friends called him out on his grumpiness, but they were right. He was moody, easily annoyed, easily frustrated. Harry wouldn’t say he had anger issues, but he would say he was impatient. But never with Mia. He felt like he could watch her forever, clumsily trying to put on her coat only to realise she put her arm through the wrong sleeve and had to redo the process all over again.
They were young, but he just felt it. That she was his soulmate. And it was scary, but most of all it was exciting. And he wanted to show her what she meant to him and how much he truly liked her.
The only thing was, that he didn’t want to do it here. Not in the library. Not in the place she and him both associated with him sleeping with someone else. Not in the place that brought them together in the first place, where he had committed his sins that led to her.
Mia deserved better than that, she deserved the whole entire world.
So they didn’t kiss. Mia felt a little odd about it. She was too shy to initiate it, but she would’ve thought Harry felt the same way and that he would’ve made the move. She wanted her first to be him, her first everything. She had never felt like this before.
But Harry didn’t kiss her. And even if Mia felt a slight tinge of disappointment in her tummy, she knew there was a very valid possibility that Harry was maybe nervous too. Or that he didn’t want that during their therapy session. Or in this library where he had done it with someone else.
They broke apart after a while, both their hands disappearing back into their own pockets as they started roaming the library more. Mia brought them up to the first floor to show Harry her favourite study spot. It was empty and he smiled when he saw it, immediately visualising her sitting there with her nose between her books. A frown on her forehead, focussed on reading the words letter by letter and taking in all the information.
She’d have her thermos of tea with her and a thick sweater to bundle herself in, braid hanging over her back as she probably had his pink sparkly pen between her lips.
“So then I sit here.” Mia smiled while walking up to her regular chair. She put her hands on the back of it, near the end of the table with her back towards bookcases and in front of her some room and then a window. Harry remembered her talking about that.
He chuckled as she tapped the back of the chair and ran her hand over the wooden structure of it gently. Harry walked up to the window, seeing the rainy campus grounds and even his own student building in the distance. He nodded to himself, “It’s nice. I get why it comforts you.”
Mia walked up next to him with her arms crossed in front of her chest, following his gaze, “It’s quiet.”
“It is.” Harry nodded in a whisper before exhaling a deep breath, “I’ve never looked at it like that.”
Mia nibbled her lip, standing still next to Harry, “How did you look at it then?”
Harry left a little silence. He never thought the library of all places would be the place he felt like he’d open up his heart to Mia. That this was where he’d be his most vulnerable. He swallowed thickly, “It felt deafening.”
The knot in Mia’s stomach tightened. Her hands were clasped together behind her back now as she followed the figure of a student crossing the campus grounds in a hurry to get out of the rain, “You don’t do well with silence?”
“Had too much of it growing up. I know it seems insane that I want to live with two other guys who are so loud and present all the time. But I secretly love it.” Harry spilled it all and Mia pressed her lips together more tightly. She didn’t know what to answer.
Harry didn’t exactly expect an answer either, he continued staring ahead of himself as his feelings bubbled up to the surface. He licked his lips, “I grew up with a disabled brother, did you know?”
Mia finally turned her head to look at Harry. She saw his side profile, eyes still focussed outside. Harry followed a dropping raindrop that fell down the window, all the way until it disappeared in a puddle at the bottom of the windowsill.
“He’s a few years younger than me, Edward.” Harry murmured, “But he required constant care ever since birth. He’s great, and I really do love him. B-But…” His voice died down and he nibbled his lip. Mia continued looking at him, seeing the strange emotions in Harry’s eyes even if he didn’t directly look at her.
There was disappointment, guilt and confusion. Mia drew a breath, “But you grew up without your parents.” She softly finished his sentence. Harry didn’t look at her, swallowing thickly as he kept his eyes locked outside. Mia dropped her arms, turning to face him as she reached for his hand again.
This time it wasn’t a soft brush of fingertips, this time she held his hand. She laced their fingers together firmly, with confidence, with emotions to try and console him even if he had trouble opening up. Harry’s jaw clenched and he exhaled through his nostrils, feeling the tight lump in his throat.
It felt comforting, for Mia to hold his hand like this. So simple, yet meaningful. As his friend.
“Maybe that’s enough for today.” Mia whispered, gently rubbing her thumb into the back of his hand. Harry couldn’t blink, couldn’t look at her if he wanted to refrain from breaking down in the middle of the library.
He had never had much trouble talking about Edward. He didn’t even know why he did right now, what was different. Why it took him so much effort to say the words to Mia.
Harry eventually sniffed and gave Mia’s hand a squeeze back, finally turning to face her. She could see the small tears wetting his waterline – which he blinked away harshly – before letting out a soft chuckle, “Great job today, Dr. Phil.”
Her lip curled up into a small smile and eventually their hands broke apart.
Harry felt warm.
----------
“So, Mia, tell me how it’s been going?” Professor Dillon asked while scanning his eyes over the notes she had sent him.
Mia shifted on her seat, fiddling her thumbs together nervously, “I-I think it’s been going okay.”
Professor Dillon cast his eyes up, “No need to be nervous, Mia. This is just a chat to see how you’ve been feeling giving therapy.”
Mia nodded and drew a breath, “It’s definitely been interesting, so far.” She forced out, although it was a slight lie. The longer these sessions went on, the more she wished she had that time to study.
Professor Dillon nodded, “Did you really do some exposure therapy yesterday? With the Sinclair kid?”
“Yeah.” Mia smiled, “I-I took him to the library.”
He let out a chuckle, “That’s nice, taking initiative to change it up. I like that.”
Mia blushed a little. She hadn’t mentioned anything Harry had told her in the library, in her notes. She just wrote down that she took him to the library to get out of the familiar room number two. That was two days ago, and she had more sessions in a minute.
Mia tried to listen to professor Dillon, she really did, but what she really wanted was to see Harry.
Their texting had turned into calling and late night talking as she pushed away her studying books and laid on her bed, chatting to him about her day and they discussed Maya Angelou and philosophy.
Hazel had noticed how smiley she had been, and Mia had been briefly introduced to some of Harry’s friends through the phone before he locked himself in his room to get away from them.
They didn’t talk much more about Harry’s confession. Mia wanted to give him time to open up about it on his own terms, but she tried to show that she listened to him that day. Not as his therapist, but as his friend and the girl he was getting to know.
“You think you can almost give him a diagnosis?” Professor Dillon and Mia lost her train of thought, blinking up at him, “A diagnosis?”
“Yeah.” He shrugged, pushing the notes together to leave them in a neat pile on the desk separating them, “Like make some statements, wrap it up a little bit. Therapists do more than just listen, Mia. They give structure to the other person’s thoughts when they can’t do that themselves. People always have a motive for how they behave and sometimes it’s your job to give that motive a name and confront them a little.”
Mia’s throat felt a little dry when she found herself disagreeing completely with him. Harry’s words rang through her mind, about doing stuff because they wanted to. Without reason, without logical explanation. And maybe that wasn’t for others to understand, and maybe that was okay.
“I really think you should try that today.” Professor Dillon pushed, “he’s coming in later, right?”
Mia nodded slowly, “Yes. In like ten minutes.”
“Good.” He smiled, “You should give it a try. Maybe you’re completely wrong, but that’s okay. He’ll correct you if he needs it. I’m gonna actually follow this one along through the monitors if that’s okay. Observe a little and give you feedback afterwards.”
Her brows raised, “You’re going to watch?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, “I do it with all the students, to give them pointers. I’d like to see you try and make a conclusion about his case, though. We’re halfway through his sessions so you should start getting a pretty good grip on this guy’s mind.”
Mia lowered her eyes, feeling almost… yucky doing this to Harry. She didn’t want to. She wanted to enter that room as Mia and talk to him as Mia. As his Mia, the one he liked. She didn’t want to push and confront him, she wanted to give him time. She didn’t feel like Harry needed confronting.
“I mean, I can almost give you on a silver platter what the reason will be.” The professor continued, leaning back in his big leather chair, “It’s almost always the same reason with these kids.”
Mia frowned in confusion and glanced at him, “It is?”
“Mhm.” He nodded before shooting her a brief smile, “Attention.”
Mia disagreed even more, feeling as the crease between her frown deepened while professor Dillon nodded to himself, “You don’t have to teach me about these kids, Mia. I know them through and through.”
She felt herself tensing up and forced him a small tight-lipped smile. They wrapped up the talk and Mia was allowed to leave and head for room two where Harry would be waiting for her.
He was in his usual large grey jumper with the beanie covering his curls. A piece of gum was in his mouth as Harry slowly paced around the room, looking out the window a little as he waited for Mia. His body was bubbling with anxiety that he got to see her again. So far, they had decided to hold off on dating until these sessions were done but with each passing minute he spent with her, he just fell harder.
He wanted to take her out, spoil her, and kiss her until they both couldn’t breathe while running his hands everywhere she’d allow him. God, his hands were itching to just grab her and pull her into him. He craved the feeling of her body, dreaming of how she’d feel, how she’d smell, how she’d taste.
It was driving him completely insane.
So when the door opened and a breathless Mia walked through, Harry couldn’t stop the wide grin from forming on his lips immediately, “H-Hey.” He stuttered. It was almost as if time stood still. Mia wore black skinny jeans and a jumper nearly as big as his. It swallowed her whole and he could see the rolled up sleeves where her fingers just peeked through.
The pink sparkly pen stood out against the dark navy of her clothing and she smiled back at him, “Hi.”
Harry’s smile disappeared a little at her lack of energy, and he immediately tensed up a tiny bit. Mia closed the door behind him and took a short glance at the camera in the corner of the room before she cleared her throat and moved to her seat, “Just so you know, professor Dillon is watching, and listening along.”
A soft chuckle left Harry’s lips, right away understanding why she was a little more distant. He nodded at her words, especially the emphasis on the word listening. Both Mia and Harry knew that this was a great opportunity for him to have her squirm a little. To put her through the wringer, to ask her difficult – probably sexual – questions and mess with her.
But Harry’s heart had grown twice its size since meeting Mia and he didn’t have it in himself anymore to play with her while so much was at stake for her. For him, this was more or less a joke – these therapy sessions that the school forced him to do – but for Mia, she needed the extra credit.
So Harry just nodded and sat down, “Alright. How are you?”
Mia smiled up at him, eyes lingering on the way his jaw flexed with each nibble on the gum, “I-I’m good. You?”
Harry smirked a little and leaned back in the chair, “Great.”
He blamed the nerves for Mia not offering him tea this time, and they pretty soon just started talking about everything. Mia asked him how he had experienced going to the library earlier this week, and Harry came up with some bullshit story about facing that broken bookcase and feeling bad about what he had done.
Mia could hardly hold her laughter, because the both of them knew they didn’t even go see the bookcase. They stayed on the first floor by Mia’s study spot and stared out the window as Harry spilled his childhood trauma on her. And they held hands. Harry felt like that was a very important piece of information to add.
They chattered for at least half an hour, Mia having a much more professional attitude this time. But it also could’ve had something to do with the fact that Harry wasn’t constantly flirting with her or making her blush.
Mia shifted, changing her legs around as she clicked her pen twice, “So – uh… we started this way the first session, and now that we’re about halfway through… I wondered if you’d given any more thought as to why you did what you did?” She questioned.
Harry frowned and thought of it for a moment, remembering they had that discussion the first time they met. He nibbled his lip and shrugged, “Not really. I still think I just did it because I wanted to and felt like it. No underlying motive.” He joked a little and Mia forced him a small smile, but she looked nervous.
Mia clicked her pen again and then drew a breath, “Well – we’re always trying to find a motive.” She spoke with a little bit of instability in his voice, “S-So I was wondering if it’d be alright with you if I tried to voice one.”
“A motive?” Harry raised his brows in surprise and Mia nodded shortly, “Yes.”
He chuckled, “Sure, knock yourself out.”
“Okay.” Mia breathed, biting down on her lip again as she stared at her lap. She took another breath and lifted her eyes to look at me, a certain emotion behind her eyes as she swallowed, “I-I think… uh… I think you wanted to feel seen.”
Harry stiffened slightly in the seat, not moving or saying anything as there was a short silence between the two. Mia gazed up at him and then continued, her fingers nervously clasping together, “I think you wanted to feel seen, and m-maybe that’s why you acted out? Or did something you knew would stir some… reaction.”
Harry felt his frown deepening, his heart rate picking up as he couldn’t really react. Mia slumped in the chair a little as she took another shaky breath, “I think you’re acting out because you never felt seen. B-Before.” She stuttered.
And he snapped. He knew what she was referring to. And the worst part was, that she was right. Harry had never felt seen as a child. Growing up with a disabled brother who required care around the clock, most of his parents’ time and attention went to Edward. Harry was always sort of trailing behind, doing his own thing, growing up very quick to help care for his brother.
They never had much issues with him because he was responsible from a young age, but they also always assumed he was just fine. That there was never anything wrong with him, that Harry never felt bad. Which he did, he just felt like there was no room to show it. So he didn’t.
He never felt seen. And Mia thought he fucked someone in the library as a cry for attention from a childhood trauma.
“Stop.” He murmured, and Mia closed her mouth immediately. Her hands were white from gripping the pen so hard as she blinked at him with sorrow washing through her face, “H-Harry, I’m –“
He cut her off. Not with words, not by saying anything, but by briskly getting up his feet and towering over her. He didn’t look at her, only slightly seeing out of the corner of his eye how she flinched at his sudden movement. He yanked his coat off of the hanger and stormed out, leaving the door opened and leaving Mia behind.
His ears were ringing, his breaths were short and he was angry. Not with her, because he could tell she didn’t exactly want to say those things. But she did, and they were the complete truth. Maybe he did act out, do something scandalous to get attention and for people to recognize him and know him.
Maybe he did. He didn’t know. He didn’t want to know. He never wanted to know or be confronted with that piece of information, that his childhood traumatised him to a certain extent while he was already in his twenties. He hated it.
Mia hated it too. She hated what she had said, to the point it made her sick to her stomach. She stared blankly at Harry’s empty chair and reacted quickly, standing up too. In the distance, she heard doors. One signalling Harry leaving the building, the other signalling the arrival of professor Dillon who hurried into the room.
Mia paced around, the notebook that Harry gave her lost on the table and the pen had rolled off to the floor as she stared at him with horrified eyes. His weren’t shocked or surprised though, he shrugged, “That can happen. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It means you were right.”
It didn’t make her feel any better. And Mia did beat herself up over it. She shook her head sharply, “N-No. I don’t… this isn’t for me.”
“Mia.” He frowned, “You can’t always please everyone. And that’s okay. People run away from the truth, it’s too confronting. He knew you were right and couldn’t handle it, so he ran.”
“But I hurt him.” She squeaked out, knowing full well professor Dillon would never understand her emotional reaction. He must’ve thought she was being so dramatic as he frowned at her and then just shrugged, “Maybe. But that’s part of life, isn’t it? C’mon, your next appointment will be here in fifteen minutes. You did good, by the way, bringing it to him. Maybe a little more confidence, next time. Don’t say ‘I think’ so much.” He advised.
Mia was a little baffled, wondering how he could just leave her in the room as his student when he could tell she was struggling so much. Mia paced around some more, reaching for her phone to try and reach Harry. Most of all, she wanted to get out of here. She wanted to find him, look for him. Mia felt like she had to find him.
He didn’t answer the call.
So she struggled through the next two appointments, trying to listen to what they were saying. She didn’t want to fail this class, she really didn’t. She needed the extra credit and she needed the feedback from professor Dillon, but her thoughts were scattered and all pieces were with Harry.
Where he was, who he was with, what he was thinking. If he could talk to someone. If he hated her. If she had managed to screw this up.
The second the final girl was out of the room, Mia gathered her stuff and practically ran out. She didn’t wait for professor Dillon’s feedback, she didn’t wait for him to criticise or praise her. She had to find Harry. So Mia was on a mission.
She knew he lived on the campus grounds, in one of the student homes. She marched up to the large buildings, trying to figure out if any of them screamed ‘harry’ to her, but unlucky for her they were all red brick buildings in the exact same shape. She sighed, scratching her forehead as a slight drizzle started.
Mia’s eyes were drawn to the library building and then it clicked. Harry said he could see his student home from the library window. She squinted, trying to count the floors and the windows until she figured out there was only one building he could see from the library.
So she hurried up to it, yanking open the door to quickly scan the names on the doorbells. She quickly winced when realising no one wrote a serious name on the bells.
After reading fart, testicle one and testicle two on one of them, she gave up. None of them had Harry’s first or last name on them, so she had no clue. There were about sixty doorbells here.
And then she saw him. A boy she recognized. Her brain brought her back to the night at the bar on Friday when she had sat down with Harry, having a drink. At one point, the entire bar jumped up and turned to face this one guy, who had dropped a billiard ball hard on the wooden floor by mistake and blushed furiously at the sudden attention.
It was him. He was Harry’s friend. They had been playing pool when Mia arrived.
She swallowed her nerves for having to talk to someone unknown and quickly walked up to the guy who was scrolling on his phone. He looked like he was about to leave but waited for the drizzle to end.
“H-Hi.” She stupidly spoke. He lifted his head and raised his brows, “Hey, wh – oh.” His face contorted in realisation before breaking out into a grin, “You’re Mia, right?”
It was her turn to blush as she stared at him before nodding, “I-I am. Yes. Hi.”
“Hi.” He chuckled back, extending his hand, “’M Liam, I live with Harry.”
Mia sighed in relief, “Hello. I really need to find Harry. Is he home?”
“Yeah,” Liam nodded, “he is. Came home like two hours ago.”
Mia nodded, “Okay. C-Can I go see him? God, he must be so angry with me.” She mumbled, more to herself than for Liam to hear, but he did and frowned either way as Mia continued, “I said something horrible.”
“Oh, love.” Liam crooned, shaking his head, “I’m sure it’s alright. He won’t be angry and he definitely doesn’t hate you. You’re kind of all he talks about.”
Mia blushed again, but the pit of guilt was way too heavy in her stomach to really hear what Liam was saying. He eventually shot her a smile, “It’s on the fourth floor, apartment number 46.”
“Thank you.” She rushed out, turning around and hopping into the elevator. She reached the fourth floor quickly and hurried out, scanning the apartment doors before coming to a stop in front of number 46.
The six was a little crooked on the door and she pressed her lips together, knocking on the wood.
It only took about seven seconds for the door to open, revealing Harry.
He frowned in surprise to see a panting Mia standing outside his door. He had taken off his beanie ever since coming home, and for his own comfort – and it was something he did when he felt bad – he had changed out of his jeans and put on some sweats.
Mia was breathing heavily and her eyes were wide, and Harry was too shocked to see her here, to even say anything. He had seen her missed call, but hadn’t answered on purpose. He needed to cool down first, deal with his emotions and feelings before hearing her apology which he knew for sure was coming.
He had already seen it in her face before she even spoke out the words. She had been apologising through her eyes before even saying anything back in that therapy room.
“Harry.” She murmured, nervously shifting on her feet as she shook her head, “I-I’m so sorry.”
Harry could see the tears springing in her eyes as her bottom lip quivered and he quickly lost his frown while taking a step closer to her, “Mia, hey… it’s okay. I know you had to say it because he was listening, I know you didn’t want to."
“Y-You did?” She squeaked softly, sniffing once, “I feel so bad, Harry. I never meant to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” He softly chuckled, endeared by how emotional she felt and how much this had been eating her up. He gently reached for her forearm to pull her into the apartment. The door closed behind them and Mia continued sniffing.
“Love.” Harry coaxed, “Please, don’t cry.”
Mia lifted her watery eyes and quickly nodded, “S-Sorry. You’re right.”
“Don’t have to apologise.” He shook his head, reaching for her hand, “It’s okay. I’m fine. ‘M sorry for running out and for not answering your call.”
“No, no,” She shook her head, “you had every right to do so. I’m sorry that I made you feel bad.”
Harry took another step closer to her as they had their hands entwined, and he gave hers a gentle squeeze before swallowing thickly, “The only reason I felt bad, was because you were right.”
Mia’s head came up, her light blue irises staring up into him. Harry could see the small tears on her waterline and the soft pink of her nose, “Do… Do you want to talk about it?”
Harry softly shook his head, “Not really.”
“Okay.” Mia whispered before sniffing once more, “C-Can I give you a hug? Hugs always make me feel better when I’m a little down. Hazel gives great hugs. Maybe they can make you feel better too.”
Harry had never been much of a hugger. He wasn’t a very affectionate person in general. Physical contact made him a little squeamish. But with Mia, he wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms. He sighed out softly and nodded, “Yeah.”
She dropped her bag and stood up on her tippy toes before hesitantly wrapping her arms around his neck. Harry bent down a little, circling them around her waist. He closed his eyes, feeling her wetted coat beneath his palms but also feeling the heat radiating from her through the fabric. He pulled her into him, flush to his body and Mia bent and moved along to fit his shape.
Her chin was on his shoulder and Harry sighed out again, leaning down a little bit more to nuzzle his nose into her clothed shoulder. He had been right when dreaming about her. Her scent was everything he had expected it to be. Cinnamon, floral and pure warmth and comfort.
Her body had been everything he had expected it to be, fitting perfectly with his as they merged together easily. His palms engulfed her back whole and her arms were tight around his neck.
He wasn’t sure if the hug was more meant for him or her, who it was really supposed to help feel better. But he knew it did wonders for him. He melted into her touch, legs liquifying the longer they stayed like that. With closed eyes, they were engulfed completely into one another and none made the attempt to even get away.
“I’m asking Dillon to transfer me to someone else.” Harry eventually mumbled into Mia’s shoulder.
She sharply pulled back, a look of confusion in her eyes, “A-Are you still angry?” She whispered. Harry chuckled and shook his head, bringing one hand up to brush a strand of hair away and tuck it back into her braid, “No, ‘m not. But I can’t wait another four weeks to take you out.”
Mia grinned wide, biting her lip to hide it as she blushed a little. She buried her face back into him and Harry chuckled when they resumed their hugging position.
“Tomorrow?” He whispered softly, “Will you go out with me tomorrow?”
Mia smiled, squeezing her eyes shut in excitement as she wanted to jump up and down, “Yes.” She squeaked.
