#yimb

 With my hand on the cold door handle, I take a deep breath. I bite my lip, trying to ignore the nauseous feeling that is trying to crush me every time we’re playing this little game. Shaking my uncut fringe out of my eyes, I then open the door.

“Hey,” he says with his husky voice and looks at me from underneath his thick lashes. I know he’s trying to unleash the mystic powers of his eyes on me, but those days are over. It’s just not happening anymore, no matter how good he looks. “I brought something for you,” he announces and from behind his back he produces a single pink peony. I cock my head and stare at my favorite flower for a bit. At least he remembers. But that doesn’t change anything. And it doesn’t make this easier.

Overwhelmed by the situation, I take the flower he’s holding out to me, and take a step back to let him in. “I’m afraid we’re not ready yet. Ellie is still in the bath and Noah is being impossible today…” I lead him through the apartment, leaving the flower on a side table, and go into the bathroom where Ellie is playing with an oversized yellow rubber duck in the water.

“Mommy, I want Pooh in the bath wit me,” she announces and with her paddy little hands she wipes her curls out of her face. “Hi Daddy!”

“Hello angel,” he smiles and kisses her forehead, kneeling down next to the tub.

I take the special shampoo I use for her hair off the sideboard and form her curls into a mohawk. “Don’t you remember, sweetie, kittens don’t like water. I don’t think Pooh would like to play with you in the water, but she’s just waiting for you to get out!”

And as if on cue, Noah and our little rescue cat Pooh walk into the bathroom. “Why are they called kittens and not cattens,” he asks while staring at the feline, but then he looks up and sees his father. “No!” Turning on his heels, he stalks out of the room, like only a five year old can, with the most sass and anger he could possibly fit into these steps, the cat following him like a loyal companion.

Jared looks at me, surprised and frowning, so I shrug apologetically. “He’s in a bad mood today,” I try to explain, but Jared can tell, that’s not the whole story.

Apparently he decides to ignore that though. “Can we talk? Please?”

I hesitate. I’m suddenly parched; I’ve been planning how to bring it up all night when I couldn’t sleep, and now he has done it for me. Suddenly I’m too scared though. I can’t do it. I need more time, so I opt for the diversion technique. “Why don’t we talk tonight? And why don’t I try to talk to Noah and you get Ellie dressed?”

He sighs softly and tries to wrap me into his eyes once again, but when he notices that it doesn’t work, he gives it up. “Alright, fine.”

I get up and step out into the hall where I turn around and look back. Jared looks odd these days. Even though he was named one of the best dressed men in the world by GQ lately, to say he embraces the hobo style would be an understatement. Gabe Saporta’s hobosexual style was nothing against Jared now: shaggy hair, wild beard, clothes that don’t go with themselves… so odd. But the way he persuades Ellie right now to get out of the tub and wrapped up into a towel, I cannot deny one thing: he tries to make an effort to be a good father.

I leave those two alone and go into Noah’s room. He has turned up ‘Holding on to You’ loudly and has hidden underneath his blanket; probably not realizing that the bump he makes is very visible. It looks very odd, because apparently he is bopping along to the twenty one pilots’ song he’s listening to. I sit down in the rocker in the corner and sigh.

“Honey, I can’t change the facts. He came here to hang out with you and play with you… and you should go with him!”

“No!”

I lean forward, ignoring the pain of my elbows digging into my knees. “Why don’t you want to?”

He angrily rips the blanket off his head and shows me his reddish face. “I hate this! I don’t want him to come and play with me! Why can’t Daddy live here always?! Like he used to!?”

It’s so funny. He is angry at his father because he doesn’t live with us anymore. Yet I am the one forbidding this family to get back together and I am the one keeping his father from living with us. Thank God Noah doesn’t know my plans for the future; he’d hate me, a lot.

“Your daddy loves your very much, you know? And sometimes things can’t get back to what they were before.”

He scrambles off the bed and puts his hand on my knee. When did my little preemie grow up into a man? Time just flew by. He gets to his feet and throws his arms around my neck. “Is it because of the woman?”

I freeze for a moment, but then I start rubbing his back. “I’m going to tell you one day. When you’re older,” I promise, using a terrible phrase that I swore myself never to use with my own kids. “But I want to make sure you know that the fact that Daddy and I are fighting has nothing to do with you. Absolutely nothing.”

“But you are fighting,” he repeats and tightens his hug. “I don’t want you to fight with Daddy!”

I kiss his curly head and caress his little cheek. “I know. But if you want to do me a favor, you go with Daddy and show him that you love him no matter what!”

“Alright,” he whispers just when Jared appears in the door with Ellie on his arm.

“Is it me,” Jared asks with a small frown, “or does Ellie have pink hair?”

“Yes, I do! Mommy dyed it for me,” she grins and ruffles her hair. “Am I pretty, Daddy?”

He laughs and gives her a scratchy kiss. “You are the prettiest little girl in the entire world!”

She blushes and hides her face in his neck. They are so cute together, it breaks my heart. Jared holds his hand out to Noah; my boy gives me another sad look and a wet kiss, then he gets to his feet and takes Jared’s hand.

 I fill my day with doing laundry, doing the dishes, cleaning… we don’t have a housekeeper anymore. The apartment I live in with the children is much smaller than what they’re used to. We have 3 bedrooms and a large living area, a big kitchen and a breakfast nook, but everything on a smaller scale than in the old days that feel like a century ago. I feel reminded of my student days; when I moved out I had no furniture obviously so everything in here is bought from IKEA. I packed the children’s toys and our clothes, and some of the furniture in their rooms was picked up as soon as we had the apartment, but everything else is new. And untainted. I assume everything else is gone since Jared sold the house and moved into the new Lab. Or rather trying to sell the house.

The apartment is located in Woodland Hills, just off Canoga Avenue. Maybe not the best area, but it’s fine. No paparazzo would ever think to look for us here. We have a small balcony and access to a pool, and there’s a playground nearby. I put Noah into a play group once a week, and they still have their Nanny twice a week; the time I have off I use to write for different papers and magazines, at least up until now.

I sit on the couch and scroll through my emails with Pooh on my lap purring when the doorbell rings. Checking my watch I frown. They should not be back by now. When I buzz whoever it is up I wait until they climb up the stairs to the 2nd floor. A smile spreads on my face when I see who it is. “Now look at that!”

My sister in law, Flor, comes up the stairs, her dog Heidi behind her, wagging its tail. “Hello Mags,” she smiles and folds me into a hug. “I thought I’d drop by and drag you outside for a walk?”

I sigh and giggle. “Yeah, alright, fine. Just one second.” I go back inside and scratch Pooh behind her ear for a moment, check that she has enough food and water and then I grab my phone and keys before closing the door behind me.

We walk a short distance towards a path around the golf course; I come here a lot with the children. I enjoy the sun on my face without having to run after a toddler every couple of steps, and it’s nice to chat with Flor again. We obviously don’t see each other as much anymore since we don’t live next to each other anymore.

It’s a nice area here. With a country club nearby, they really try to keep the area pretty; well trimmed bushes and clean roads and paths, all surrounded by flowerbeds of Southern California-appropriate greenery. Birds are chirping and there’s a hint of salt in the air today, even though we’re miles from the sea.

“Jared was over this morning, and he told me that he’d take out the kids today. So I left my children with Shannon and thought I’d stop by.” Flor looks at me from the side. “How are you? Really, I mean.”

“I’m good!” I hesitate when she looks at me with a frown and then shrug. “It’s been a hard couple of months; but we’re getting used to it, a bit more every day.” I sigh heavily and stretch out, breathing deeply. “I’m sad about my marriage not working out, I will admit that. And I miss him. No, that’s not true. I miss who I thought he was. I thought I saw something that others don’t see, I thought that I knew the real Jared, and that he was all mine. Finding out that I was making a fool of myself made me swear to myself that this would not happen again.”

Flor shakes her long hair out of her face and slides her shades up her nose. “Will you make it official then? Will you try to divorce him? Or what do you mean by that?”

I look down at my feet and rub my arm. “I don’t think I want to divorce him right now. Maybe one day, if I meet someone new I guess. But for now, it’s not that. I have different plans. I’ve been talking it through with some lawyers, and I think it’s all sorted.”

“You make me curious!” She grins at me and cocks her head. “What are you planning that you need a lawyer’s approval for?!”

I shake my head and squint in the sunlight. “I’ll tell you after I told Jared. I owe him this much; he won’t be happy about it, I can tell you this much!”

I can feel her eyes burn a hole in the side of my head, and the way she hooks her arm through mine, I know that she tries to convince me to give it up. “Flor, I really…”

“Alright, I won’t push it.” She whistles after the dog and shrugs. “I just hope it’s not too dramatic.”

I bite my lip and look down on my feet again. “I can’t promise that.”

  I get back to the apartment at 6, which gives me time to shower and dry my hair properly before Jared brings the children back at 7. When I’m dressed again I take a moment to look in the mirror. My favorite black sweater is hanging a bit too loose off my shoulders. I lost weight in the last couple of months. You can see it especially in my face that seems to have harsher edges now, and my boobs have gotten smaller. Great; the one thing that actually made me interesting to the opposite sex has decreased. It’s funny though, Jared and his model friends actually turned me into a clone of one of his model friends. I need to get away from all this, and fast.

When I buzz them up later, I can hear them on the stairs, babbling Jared’s ears off. I wait for them by the doorframe and when they come around the corner, they make a sweet picture. Jared has Noah by the hand and Ellie on his arm. Both curly headed children look at their father in awe, and he beams back and forth between them. Apparently even Noah forgot how angry he was earlier.

“Mommy,” he squeals and throws himself into my arms. “Daddy took us to the zoo and we saw lions and bears and a koala, and-“

“Elephants!” Ellie shouts with a gleeful smile. Jared grins, happy with himself, and laughs along. “I got the shirt,” she waves it around over her head; apparently Jared went wild in the gift shop since Noah is also holding a shirt underneath his arm.

I usher them in, as to not disturb the neighbors. “I’m glad you had some fun! Did you have dinner?”

“We had burgers,” Noah cheers and skips over to Pooh on the couch and cuddles her as only a child can. “Pooh, I saw a huge cat! It would have eaten you for breakfast!”

“Alright, you two, get into your pajamas and go brush your teeth.”

They giggle and tease each other when they scatter down the hall towards the bathroom. I sit down on the couch and motion Jared to the same. “I need them out of the way for a moment. We need to talk.”

Jared straightens his back, looking at me with worry. He strokes his elbow unconsciously, just like he always does. We’re staring at each other for a bit, and while looking at him I notice that he doesn’t look good at all. He looks like a homeless person. A wild beard, grown out hair cut, dark shadows under his eyes, and, even though he is 45 years old, there are the first crowfeet around his eyes. Well, if he’s unhappy it’s his own fault.

“We’ve officially started recording the album,” he tells me with his soft voice and he puts his hand on mine. “The last couple of months were crazy, I know that, but… I miss you so much. Sometimes it’s hard to sing when I think about us being apart, and I wish you’d come back home, or… at least into the new house. There’s a lot of space for the children, and they can play outside, and we could have a-“

“I’m going to move,” I interrupt him. His face freezes and falls while he tries to comprehend what I just said.

“What? Why? Where?”

I can’t bear to look at his disappointed face and stare down at his hand still on mine. “I’ve had an offer from ELLE magazine in the UK. As Senior Editor for the Culture Department. If I play my cards right, I might be Editor In Chief one day. I’d have to be in London though.” I wait for him to say something, but when he just stares ahead, I go on. “I would love to be closer to my family, and from London we could hop over for weekends and family affairs, and-“

“Wait, wait,” he interrupts me. Oh no. He’s angry now. “You’re telling me that you have no intention to give our marriage another chance, and instead you’re planning to take my children thousands of miles away from me?! Really, Maggie, do you think that’s fair?”

“Fair,” I hiss and get to my feet, stalking over to the window to stare at the sunset. “You have quite a nerve to talk to me about fairness, when I had to come home from that conference in Brussels last year only to find out that you had a female guest here while I was gone and you kissed her in front of our son!”

Jared also gets to his feet and walks over to me. A deep frown is on his face and his lips are pressed together, but there’s shame in his deep blue eyes. “You’ve been punishing me for that for a year now. And I’ve been apologizing for it for a year. And except for that kiss, I swear nothing happened. Nothing! So, please… don’t do this.” He takes me by the arms and looks at me, pleadingly. “I understand if you need more time, but, I need you. You and Noah and Ellie.”

“You spent so much time on your own this last year, I didn’t get the impression that you’re eaten by grief. When you’re climbing and preparing movies and shooting movies for months in some foreign country and skipping around Europe with your friend Alessandro. It doesn’t seem like you need or miss us or even have time for us.”

“I had to keep busy and you know that.” He caresses my cheek so tender and lovingly, just like in the old days. “It was one mistake, Maggiecakes. I got carried away for one moment, when we were fighting none the less. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. And when Vera dropped by it was… weakness. And I regret it every moment I draw breath.”

His hand feels so good on my cheek. A sob is stuck in my throat and for a second I am tempted to lean into his hand. But then that nauseating feeling of betrayal is creeping up on me again. “How many moments of weakness have there been while we were married? And how many of them have you had since I moved out?”

“None! Never! I swear to God, I haven’t touched anyone!”

“What about when you were shooting that Gucci commercial,” I hiss and push away his hand from my cheek. “Why did she suddenly decide to come here if there was nothing between you back then?”

“I don’t know why she came, she said she had been in town, I didn’t really ask! We were talking, suddenly we were kissing, Noah saw us and when I had him calmed down and back in bed, she was gone! I didn’t encourage her, I didn’t invite her, and there was nothing between us when we were in Venice!”

“Excuse me if I don’t believe that,” I snarl and look sideways, only to find Noah standing there in his with tears in his eyes. He clutches his bear to his chest and stares at us from a distance. In three steps I’m over at his side and pick him up and hold him in my arms.

“I don’t want you to fight,” he mumbles and wipes the tears away with the arm of Mr. Bear.

“I know. I’m sorry, sweetheart. Mommy and Daddy won’t fight anymore in front of you, okay?”

He shakes his head, seeing through the intent of my phrasing. “No, I don’t want you to fight at all.”

I open my mouth and try to calm him down further but instead Jared swoops in. “Why don’t I read a story to you and Ellie and get you to bed? Mommy and I can continue our discussion later.”

I sit around and wait for them to come back, but when I have more ants in my butt than I can take, I get up and sneak over to Ellie’s room. Ellie is already in bed, Jared is sitting on the bed and makes fun and jokes with her. He pokes his daughter in the sides to hear her laugh. Ellie has grown into a fierce and funny girl, always laughing, always in a good mood. While Noah is sometimes moody and sometimes gets angry, Ellie hardly ever even frowns. She has been the sun in these dark times.

I cross the hall to Noah’s room and sit down on the edge of the bed. Noah, with the sheets pulled up as high as possible, gives me a small smile, then he turns his attention back to his book. “What are you looking at,” I ask and he holds up the book so that I can see Winnie The Pooh on the cover. I sigh and massage my left hand. “I’m sorry, Noah. About everything.”

“It’s okay, Mommy. It’s not your fault.” How is he so grown up? I feel like I’m having a conversation with an adult, not a five year old. I want to protest, but he doesn’t let me go on. “Have Tyler or Josh posted something on instagram?”

I smile and shake my head. My five year old son is the biggest Twenty One Pilots fan I have ever seen. He listens to the Blurryface album at least twice a day, and to the others accordingly. I even bought a record player so that he can listen to the live vinyl. Every day we check instagram and snapchat for signs of life from them, and I took him to the shows they played in Los Angeles. “Let’s have a look.” I get up to get my phone from the living room, opening instagram on my way back. I should just put them on notifications, that would make everything easier. “No, it doesn’t look like it. Sorry.” I kiss his forehead. “You should sleep now, my sweet.”

“Will you sing something for me? Please, Mommy!”

I nod slowly and think of a song, in the end deciding on a church song I heard once. He nestles into his pillows and gets comfy while I sing him a song telling him how much God loves him. “Good night,” I smile and kiss him again when I have finished. “Sleep tight.”

“Good night, Mommy!”

I turn on his batman night light and leave the door ajar when I leave. Jared is already waiting for me in the living room. I get a glass of white wine from the fridge without bothering to offer one to Jared, he hasn’t touched wine in years. He gives me a disapproving look, but then leaves me alone. “Don’t go.”

I sit down in my favorite chair; a blue and white striped extra wide and extra deep armchair with a matching ottoman. Jared is sitting in the matching sofa and has a white blanket pulled onto his crotch. I took a cue from Erin when it came to designing the house, and next time I set up house I will definitely let the people who furnished her house do mine. Right now it’s all very bright and light with a maritime touch to it.

“I think I will go. There is no future for me here,” I shake my head and take a sip of wine. Jared frowns at me and rubs his bushy beard. How is that beard not super-itchy and what on earth is nesting in it?

“No. That’s not true. If you want a job a big magazine, you can have that here, you don’t have to travel all this way. You don’t have to leave the fucking continent.”

“But I can’t stay here. Even if what you say is true, I can’t stay in Los Angeles. The big magazines are based in New York, not here. And I… I don’t want to be here anymore. There are too many memories here.”

“Let’s make new ones. Here. Together.” I want to answer but he interrupts me. “Besides, you can’t just take the kids and move somewhere else! We’re still married, and if we get a divorce, I’d definitely want shared custody.”

“My lawyers say you don’t have a case,” I say and I can tell how much that shocks him again.

“Lawyers? You already talked to a lawyer?”

“Yes, of course,” I shrug and cock my head with raised eyebrows. “I’m not an imbecile, Jared. I want this to be bulletproof. And they say that you can’t ask me to stay in California while you jet around the world when you’re on tour for extended periods.”

He nods slowly, then he leans forward again and stretches out his hand for me to take. I’m not going to do him that favor though. “If you stay here, I’m sure we can sort it all out.”

I shake my head again. “No. As I said. I don’t want to be here. And I don’t want to be stuck in a marriage if I can’t trust my husband.”

He buries his face in his hands, he looks pitiful. But where he’s concerned my heart has cooled off to an ice block. “What can I do to persuade you that you can trust me?”

“I don’t know, turn back time and unkiss that girl?”

“This is not the time for jokes.”

“You’re right,” I agree and down the rest of my wine. “It’s time for you to leave.”

Slowly Jared gets to his feet. “And if I have to make a speech every time we see each other: I want you back.”

I stride over past the kitchen to the front door and open it for him into the dark hallway. “Well, not even you can have everything you want.”

He seems defeated; I know he’d love to argue, being said ‘no’ to is not his strong suit, but something he will have to get used to these days. When he is almost out the door he turns around again. “One last thing. Have you heard of or seen Miguel lately?”

I sigh and shake my head. “No, of course not. I’m pretty sure he only exists in my imagination.”