#yeah...................

headcanon/little meta friday: jo has difficulty to accepts things people give or do for him. for instance, in one of storylines i've written with @cartelheir ; when they were out in christmas market, he reminisced the memory where he received an non-alcoholic beverange as a child from a stranger &. he was forced to return it whilst his mother had left him to find that stranger in the christmas market . . . he rationalises the event these days with a reason that adults shouldn't have had given him that, especially a stranger but he was happy to receive it before his mother scolded him &. left him, thus making him have a mix feelings 'tween happiness &. guilty; this same goes to @medicbled 's birthday gift where she finds him a very rare book, in his mother language with signature . . his first reaction was to tearing up in jubilation but he feels unworthy to receive it; it's too much, he can't accept that because there's guilt lingering: that it is too much for a man like him, the price &. the efforts she went through to find it .. does he worthy for such exuberant &. kind gesture? apart from that, if i talk to people privately to what bake for johann; never too much of sugar or chocolate. this too because back then he felt guilty for eating chocolate. he would receive it from his mother, however whenever he eats it there's a lingering guilt of how his mother had worked hard just to buy him some candy. he would tell people that he doesn't eat it because he's afraid of getting sick, but truthfully, because of his persistence internalization that chocolate was expensive &. his mother had spared some money just to buy him a chocolate makes him hate the taste of it. another one would be @wellfell 's present to him; he keeps scolding her whilst making flower-crown for her when the flowers are intended for him; again, he berates her for giving him such personal &. meaningful gift for him whilst returning the same gift into more personal gift for other. johann's birthday has truly made me realise his guilt on receiving things, his initial reaction is a mixed gratitude &. guilt &. attacking/lowering himself for simply because he feels he isn't worth of such kind gesture whilst he will always do it to others.