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a long meandering post about experiencing the 2010s as a teen girl and re-experiencing it via horror and sci-fi film as a gettin' pudgy transmasc millennial (tw: body image, starvation, misogyny, internalized misogyny, anorexia)
gen z, at least where i live, have just a radically different relationship to their bodies that's still imperfect but it's like...they just didn't experience everything from Kate Moss and Kirstie Alley and grocery stand tabloids. they simply did not. they experienced other horrible things (it was a while ago but Carrie Fisher comes to mind, kpop beauty standards and fuckingFUCKING ozempic), but not all of that...particular flavour of thing whatever the 2010s were.
(thing being misogyny but like WOW, it in memory is such a specific thing?)
(i found the conversations around The Substance odd but that's a series of thoughts for a different post)
I've been watching a lot of 00s and 10s horror and sci-fi because it's free on tubi and there are some gems and merits. but wow, there was a look. thin and tortured or thin and vulnerable or thin and sexy like no matter what it was it was always about being so thin. So much of the horror from the 90s - 00s outside was so deliberately marketed at teens while also being used as star vehicles in a disturbing number of Weinstein films so you had wildly older performers in teen roles which...psychologically i think gives not just a template of what to look like, but also these movies REALLY want you to like them and y'know. That's how I received them before getting more into media criticism being a part of my media consumption (and a professional path i ultimately did not go down and am forever grateful for because look at where it is today! sorry journalism friends!)
It's been interesting revisiting these specific decades of films specifically while actively gaining weight. Like I see an outfit that a woman is wearing that I as a quite lean teen would have absolutely fit into, but at the time I know I would have felt too fat to wear.
i was like...a casual jock. i was on every team because i didn't want to be at home and while i liked performing well individually, wasn't that competitive. i regularly competed in tournaments and often placed in track and field; i looked strong. but that was in extreme conflict with my body image from being told at every turn that you were fat (and brown, in my case) and therefore undesirable. but you could be! if you could just control yourself and lose a few pounds and prove that you can behave. i was mousey, despite being strong enough to kick most peoples asses to the next town over???
and now, as a "gettin' pudgy" stage trans man, i look at those outfits and have zero desire to fit into them. both literally and in a gender conforming way. I'm not those girls and never had to be 🤷🏽
I wouldn't say I've ever had an active textbook eating disorder, but i definitely had disordered eating patterns and limited access to food in various periods of my life and i consoled myself with, "at least i'll still be skinny"
so!? fucking dark!? university was rough and at one point i was down to 104 pounds; i showed a lot of signs of anorexia but it was more specifically depression. i felt like an insect, and weak and tired all the time. i had what i now know were fibro flares all the time. bad. fucking. time. but, "at least i'll still be skinny" even then.
it feels fucked up to have to spend so much time undoing conditioning like that and it's frustrating that it's not more a part of the conversation of body weight and image coming back into alarmingly sharp focus again. sometimes still in positive way (uuuh Nelly Furtado) but weight loss drugs are going to have a delayed cultural impact that i'm likeeeee. not into. like is me gaining weight right now specifically a part of a long journey of unlearning fatphobia and letting myself feel the pleasure that can come from this kink, yes. But is it also slightly a reactionary response to watching skinny be trendy again. Like I literally need to insulate myself from it 😑
gen z has it so right on all bellies out at all times, like THAT is the correct conclusion on low rise skinny jeans, obviously, FUCK.
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I pause the movie, answering my phone and expecting Max.
Y/N: What up whore?
There's a long pause before I hear Max's breath come through my phone.
Y: Max?
Liz: Y/N?
I pull my phone back from my face because that's not Max. My eyes go wide, and my face goes red, realizing what I've done.
I open my mouth, but nothing is happening.
Oh my God, I can't breathe!
Speak!!!
Y: Liz!? I- Oh- I'm so sorry. I-
Before I can continue, her angelic voice cuts me off.
Liz: Y/N I-
She stops herself.
Liz: Do you remember what I told you when you left my place for the first time?
Of course, I remember. I remember it all.
Y: Yes. You told me that you feel me.
I take a pause. All my emotions and anxiety are fighting for the top spot in my brain.
Y: You told me you wanted us to be in constant contact. You didn't want us to lose any part of what we've built up.
I stop again. I can't see Liz, but I know she's waiting for me to continue on the other end.
Y: I also know at the same time you and Robbie were going through something, and that was a reason you were trying to take things slow with us no matter how we felt with one another. But now that I know, where does that leave us? Because there are still things, I don't know. MK and Ash told me that you had things to say to me. So, before we talk more about us. I want to know what's up.
I ended my short speech faster than I thought I would. My mouth was on autopilot, and I didn't know where each sentence would end.
L: Everything I told you on that day, I still feel. Y/N-
She stops. It sounds like she moves her phone away from herself before I hear a ruffle and her come back.
L: Y/N, after you left, Robbie showed up. It was the first time I had seen him in days. I had left him in Richmond while I came to New York.
She breathes in. I ask why without speaking, and she answers as if she can hear me.
L: I left him because we weren't doing well... And when he entered my apartment, I knew he was doing far worse than I thought. He looked gone. Broken.
Y: Liz?
I interject.
L: Yes?
I hear her choke back tears. And it makes me unsure if I even want to ask this next question.
Y: Why did you leave London? I need more.
I hear her lips part.
L: Robbie asked if we could slow things down, and I panicked. My mind was spiraling because I was controlled by the fear of it being like last time.
I lean forward.
Y: Like last time?
L: Robbie and I were a couple months into our relationship, and it seemed a good decision. Only for a couple of weeks later, Robbie showed up in the middle of the night profusely apologizing, slurring his words, saying, "she meant nothing." What hurt even more, was how much Robbie hurt himself over it.
I can hear a few tears slip through as her voice cracks.
L: That night, he showed up. He had cuts up and down his biceps.
Fuck. I didn't know what to say. I was mad as hell at Robbie, but clearly, he was going through something, and... that was a long time ago, so they made it work. So what happened?
Y: Liz- I- Was it like last time?
It sounds like Liz is trying to formulate a sentence, but she's not finding the right words.
L: Yes and no. I broke down because Robbie wasn't wrong. We not only needed to slow things down, we needed it to stop. We both hadn't felt each other in a while. It just seemed like we were there just to be there. Our relationship was reaching an all time low. Before Robbie knew it, I had two bags packed up. I shuffled my way past him and down the stairs. I didn't even look at him as I left. The last thing I said to him was, "I just need to think about this. Us. I'll call you when I land."
I hear Liz crying on the other end. Before I can even soothe her and react to her words, she keeps going.
L; I never called him. Instead, I found you. You were everything I needed.
Liz POV
I look like a rubber-faced clown. This is why I didn't want to go back to that house. I didn't even process everything that happened there yet until right now. Yes, Robbie and I made up in New York but reliving and telling Y/N made all my emotions bubble over. I genuinely love Robbie. But not like I love Y/N. At some point, I stopped seeing a future with Robb-
Wait... Do I love-
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I pull my phone away from my ear as Y/N ended the call.
I'm left staring at myself in the black mirror that is my phone. I lost her. I fucked it up again. She knows I don't deserve her—way to go, Elizabeth.
I shut my eyes and let the water run down my cheeks before my phone jolts back to life.
It's a FaceTime call from Y/N. Quickly as I can, I brush my hair back with my hand and wipe the tears away from my red eyes. She knows I cried; the least I can do is make it look like I didn't cry this much!
I position the phone a reasonable distance from my face and let my finger glide down to answer the call.
My eyes light up the second I lay them on her. How is she so-
Y/N POV
Beautiful. How is she so beautiful? Wasn't she just crying? This is unfair. She's literally a goddess. I watch her eyes look my face up and down as I do the same.
And then they lock. Our eyes lock on one another. I can't help but smile as those pools of emerald green shimmer back to me.
"Hi." I croak out and see that smile I didn't know I had missed. "Hi," she replies. "I wanted to see you." I let the honesty spill out as I can feel my eyes start to water up.
Liz smiles at me again as tears fall from her again. "Here I am." She laughs, looking up and away, causing me to do the same.
We compose ourselves but don't say a word. It takes me a few seconds to realize Liz is waiting for me. I called her, so I open my mouth to speak up. "I- I want to hear more about that night, but I just need to tell you-" I bring my hands up to my face and let them run up to my head, pushing my hair back. I can feel my stomach jumping up and down from the words waiting to be launched out of my mouth.
"I'm here for you." I bring my face up to see hers. It's beaming back at me. I smile through tears I didn't know were coming down my face. "I'm here for you. I've had time to think about everything. Including the stuff with the gaps missing, and it's made one thing clear. I want you. I want to make whatever we have work." Liz hasn't said a word, but she's looking at me with... love?
Liz nods her head. "I'm here for you too, and I'm so sorry-" "Liz don't. Don't apologize. Whatever you're about to apologize for. Don't. I want us to start from now." I state firmly but with a gentle voice. A small part of me is still pissed at her for that one night, but I've fallen for her. Can you blame me?
Liz takes my words. "Okay. Thank you, Y/N." I flutter my eyes at her and chuckle. "Of course, Liz." My eyes droop down towards her lips.
I remember that last kiss we had.
"Y/N?" I hear Liz breaking my concentration. "Yes?"
"Now what?"
I look at her, confused, before remembering. "I'd like for you to continue. What happened after Robbie showed up?" I can see Liz nod her head and compose herself.
"I let him in. Not too long after that, I thought about what happened the last time I saw Robbie like this. That coat sitting on my couch when you came later that night was his. When I screamed at you to drop it, I saw his dried blood on the inside of the sleeve." Liz covers her mouth after saying that. It's still hard for her to talk about and relive.
I watch Liz close her eyes, trying to think.
"He- he asked about you at first." She opens her eyes to me.
Shit, he knew? Of course, he knew. There were articles and pictures of us before I even knew.
"I told him your name. We made small talk before I asked him to remove his coat because I was worried if it happened again."
It meaning Robbie drinking and harming himself. And fuck, it did.
"We talked about us—Robbie and myself. The direction of the conversation was going was clear, but I still wanted to be there for him no matter what. So I told him that I wanted to help him.
He told me that he's been talking to a doctor in LA and someone with the Crisis Text Line. I felt myself starting to break inside because I made Robbie become like this." I watch as Liz puts her head down, crying again. It's clear to me she cares for him so much still. Robbie's very lucky.
"Liz, it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself. You can't do that. That's unfair. You know that, right? Liz?"
She hasn't responded yet.
"Lizzie?" I throw in the name everyone else calls her, hoping she'll hear it and bring her face back to the phone.
Liz lifts herself into frame again. Her eyes have gotten redder since the beginning of the call. I just want to hold her. I see the guilt written all over her. Even if she knows that it's not her fault, there's always going to be a tiny bit of her that thinks otherwise. I watch her catch her breath.
"Lizzie?" She asks me. "Don't call me Lizzie." I tilt my head, a bit confused. "Everyone else calls me Lizzie. I like it when you call me Liz. You're the only one that does it, and I love hearing it." She shines me that smile I've grown to love. "Okay, Liz." I smile back and let a moment of rest come between us.
I look at my tv screen. It's dimmed out and shows the time in the top right corner. Liz and I have been talking longer than I thought. It's now past 5pm for me. Meaning it's past 10pm for her. I look back to the younger Olsen in front of me.
"You don't have to keep talking about that night, Liz. It's okay if we stop, I know-"
"Y/N." She stops me with a tone I haven't heard her use. It's like a tone a teacher uses when she needs your attention. "I want to tell you everything. I want to share everything with you. I don't want any distrust between the two of us. I've already hurt you. I'm not going to do it again." She looks at me, and I see her right hand pass the screen. It seems like she went to caress my face. "Okay?"
I hold back tears, nodding. "Okay."
Liz POV
"He told me he was going to LA the next day to start his AA program and- and he- he told me he was going to do all of this whether we were together or not. I felt so much when he told me that because I felt so proud of him for making this next step in his life, all while that meant that part with me was going to be over. As I said, we both knew how we felt. It just hurt a little because Robbie had some small hope that we'd be together after that night."
I look to Y/N. It's clear that she had zero idea about any of this until she furrows her brows and looks at me. "That's why..."
I tilt my head. "That's why what, Y/N?"
"The next day, Robbie's name was trending on Twitter." I nod at her.
"He and his band announced that Robbie would be taking some personal time away. Many rumors spiraled from that, but only a few key people know the real reason."
Y/N looks at me. "You were with him when he did this, weren't you?" I once again nod to her. "The next morning, I flew back to LA with him." Y/N must play poker sometimes because, hearing that, she doesn't flinch. Unless she already knew? "I couldn't leave again. I wanted to be there for him. Together as a couple or not. He's still a friend to me, Y/N, and if that bothers you, I have to know."
I watch my Coffee Girl take this in and think. I obviously want her to say no. But this is unrealistic. Someone being friends with an ex is never a good thing. But Robbie and I are different, aren't we?
"If you're truly over him, then no, it doesn't bother me. That night before I left you two, he seemed genuine, and I mean the things I said to him. So no, I don't believe it bothers me. I know you love him. But you don't love him."
Y/N POV
I have no fucking idea if it bothers me. Someone being friends with an ex is never a good thing. But Robbie and Liz are different. Right?
Liz POV
I want to be in her arms. I want these words to be told to her pretty face in person. I want nothing more than to feel her lips on mine.
Y/N's correct. I do love Robbie but not how I used to.
"What else happened before I showed up?" She watches me think some more because there is not a lot else. "We just talked. I helped him get a bath going so he could start healing his arms. We held each other." I tell Y/N that and watch her eyebrow twitch. "Nothing else besides that. The second I left him alone, you showed up."
"Did anything happen after I left?" She looks away, whispering just loud enough for our phones to pick it up.
Does she reall- I would never go back to Robbie after everything. I watch her advert her eyes from me. Fuck.
"Y/N, look at me." I sigh. "Y/N, look at me, please." I calmly ask. She looks at me, tears in her now red eyes. "I would never hurt you like I hurt Robbie. I would never cheat on you. I promise you. I fully and honestly promise you. I'm so fucking sorry for ever making you think I would. I'm not perfect. I know this. But Y/N, nothing happened between Robbie and I. We're done. You're the one I want and no one else. Not now. Not ever. Y/N, I feel you!" I let out that last sentence like my life depended on it. But it's true—all of it.
I didn't even realize that while I was getting all these words out, I had risen from my bed and mindlessly walked around the room.
Y/N POV
I look right into the eyes of the woman I've fallen for. The model. The actress. The third sister.
Elizabeth Chase Olsen.
I watch her walk around her room before dropping to the floor. She looks as if she's holding her breath, waiting for me.
Before I can respond, I wipe my eyes and make myself look more presentable. I clear my throat and answer her.
"I trust you. I believe you. I feel you, Liz."
Liz POV
The words I didn't think I would hear again. Or at least for a long time, reach my ears. I can't help but let out a giddy smile and look at her. She looks at me the exact same way. Y/N hasn't said another word, but she's looking at me with... love? Love in her eyes?
I'm just so mesmerized by her. From the second I met her at the coffee shop, I thought she was cute. But then I again met her at the park, and the connection to one another was stronger, and then our date happened. She captivated me without doing anything special. Because she is unique, she's truly one in a million. Let's not forget after the date when Y/N and I-
"Liz!"
I look at Y/N staring at me.
"You back!?"
"What?" Y/N playfully rolls her eyes before winking. "I asked you a question, but you seemed distracted. Any reason?" She smirks at me. Y/N knows the exact reason.
I'm so glad to have us back at this stage. The playful, flirty stage of our... whatever we are.
"So what was the question?" I ask, walking back to the bed before flopping myself onto it, kicking my feet into the air. Y/N watches me and laughs at my cuteness.
"I asked how Robbie was doing now?" I'm honestly a little taken aback by that question. But it warms my heart to know they care.
"He's doing well. He has his doctor's appointment tomorrow, and his first AA meeting went well. I'm proud of him."
What she says next makes me fall even harder for her.
"Me too." I can feel my cheeks start to hurt from smiling at her. "So now what, Liz?" "What do you mean?"
She adjusts her sitting position. "What are we? We both want to be more than friends, but are we ready to put labels on it?" Y/N asks with some hesitation and worry in her voice.
"Well." I stop and think. I want to be more than what we are, but as much as it sucks, I can't yet. The world still thinks I'm with Robbie. Hell, half of this spinning planet doesn't even know I'm bisexual. How will everyone react? How will my mom react? My dad?! Y/N's family! Oh shit.
Suddenly the bed below me doesn't feel comfortable; it feels like it's pulling me in, and I can't get out. I try to move my body but find it stuck, just like my breathing. Why am I having trouble breathing?
I look down at my phone and see two Y/N's shouting at me, but I can't determine what they are saying. I'd try to focus on them as they slowly form into one.
"Liz! Elizabeth! Please, baby, focus on me! Liz, come back to me!" I see her scared face searching for my eyes. "There we go! Look at me, Liz! Look at me." I slow down. "Breathe in... Breathe out. Come on, Liz. Match with me."
I eventually match her breathing pace as I finally have my own thoughts again.
"I'm sorry, I don't k-" "Liz! It's okay. It's okay. You don't need to apologize or explain yourself. I can put together what happened."
We let each other breathe and take in the moment. "Thank you, Y/N." I gaze my eyes over her face and all of its beautiful features. Her dimples when she smiles. Her nose with a perfect ridge. Her jawline that almost puts mine to shame.
"I lo-"
"I under-"
We both stop. She stopped because she didn't want to interrupt me. I stopped because I didn't mean to start saying what I was saying. Unless I do want to say it? I slightly shake my head. No. It's too soon.
I nod to my Coffee Girl. "Go ahead."
Y/N POV
"I understand if you still want to take us slow. I think that is a good idea and I want that as well. We should get to know each other more before putting a label on anything. Plus, you're going to be gone a month, so this will be a perfect test for us." I put on a fake laugh to try and cover the fact that I'm slightly scared. She's going to be gone for the next couple of weeks filming. Filming! Meaning that I will be in a relationship with a movie star! An Olsen sister!
"I agree." I overheard Liz through my cloud of concern. "Really?!" She nods at me. "Yep. I want this Y/N. I want this to work."
"Me too."
I look at the time on my tv again. Oh, shits, it's now close to 6pm. "Whatcha looking at?" She caught me. "The time. Max and James are coming over soon." Liz pouts, and it's one of the cutest things I've ever seen a human do. "Trying to get rid of me already?" She's really pulling at heartstrings now.
"Already?" I laugh. "We've been on for like an hour and a half! Do you expect it to be like this every night?" She stops pouting and turns on her more bratty voice. "Um, yes!" She smirks at me, and I can't help but get it right back. "Me too. Don't worry, darling." Is Liz blushing? Is that what I see?
"Oooh, Darling, huh? I could get used to that." "Good." I wink and throw in a click of the tongue.
Now resting on top of us is a comfortable silence. One we haven't had in a long time. I watch as Liz replays our conversation in her head. Don't ask how I know; I just know. "Who's James?" "What?" "You said Max and James are coming over. Who's James?" Oh my God, is someone jealous?
"Max's older brother. Liz, don't even sweat it. I'm gay, remember?" Liz gets a bit embarrassed as I emphasize the word gay because, for her, even to think that I'd get with James is literally gross and homophobic. Kidding, but not really.
"I know. I know. I don't want anyone to even think about touching my Coffee Girl!" Her saying the word my and the words Coffee Girl are now causing me to blush. "Don't worry, Liz. No one will come between us." I let the reassuring words fall from my lips.
"Tomorrow, you start filming, right?" Liz slowly nods at me. I think tiredness just hit her. "Do you know what time you'll be done?" "Umm, I know tomorrow we're doing an emotional scene with the kids, so I'll probably be free after 6pm?" I do the quick mental math in my head. "Okay, so that's 1pm for me, and I won't be home till like 4pm, but that's 9pm for you! Liz! That's going to be so late!"
"Y/N it's gonna be okay! We want this to work, so it'll work! It's just the start. One day of many, okay?" "You're right, Liz. One day at a time." Liz blows me a kiss, and I dramatically catch it like a 1950's housewife. Liz laughs at my action before closing her eyes.
I find myself staring at her in all her sleeping beauty. Oh, wait, she's sleeping? "Liz?" Liz puts up her hand and tries shooing at me. "Liz," I say a little louder. The phone picks up a grumble, but I can't make out what she's saying. "Lizzie!" I now try the popular nickname she doesn't want me to ever say in a sing-song fashion.
Liz instantly opens her left eye, scaring me a little bit. "What did I say about using that name." I give Liz a 'for real' look. "Really, that's what got you up?" "Oh, hush, I was about to start dreaming about this sexy coffee worker." "Oh well, why don't I let you go so you can get to that dream even quicker."
"No, wait, don't hang up!" Liz shoves herself up in her bed and rubs her eyes. "What's up?"
Liz POV
I gather myself up a bit more before stopping to form the right words. I look to Y/N, who is just smiling at me and waiting. "I feel you, Y/N. I do, and I just want to say that I'm ready for what we become." It seems that just like clockwork Y/N and I are looking at the other one crying. Through my tears, I can feel my eyes start getting heavier. Y/N notices and gives me a nod before reaching up and giving a big kiss to her phone. "We got this, Liz."
Yes, we do.
I wave, bid Y/N a good night, and end the FaceTime call. I let the phone fall from my hand and onto the bed.
"Fuck I miss her."
Y/N POV
Liz ends the FaceTime call, which could not have gone any better. I'm so happy and proud of us for laying it all out there. We both know what we want and what to expect.
I look at my phone and at myself in the black screen. I squeal and hold it close to me, thinking of Liz. I pull it back from my chest and tap the screen to reveal the time—6:36pm. I look back at my tv screen 6:16pm.
"What the fuck!" Max and James will be here any minute. I reach out, grabbing my remote to close out of Netflix to open Disney Plus. "Next time Wind River."
The app opens, and I click on Max's profile. Did I not mention that I use her account at my place? I scroll over to the Marvel section she loves so much and eventually find Captain Marvel.
I click the movie and allow it to get exactly one second in before pausing it. I lean back into my sofa and let my mind start to replay the call I just had. Smiling at the thought of her.
Clockwork is literally just a personification of fanfic writers.
He knows everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen
Is aware of all the different versions of reality
And can manipulate details and events to create/prevent realities
Just like anyone who's watched the show is aware of everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen (anything important anyway, but headcanons fill in the gaps)
Anyone in the Phandom is aware of all the different versions of reality (fics/AUs)
And fic writers/artists change details/events about cannon to fit their story
