#yaoitastic

Shrek never thought he would encounter a stench stronger than his own until he went to San Diego Comic Con, but the humid mass of bodies before him proved him wrong. Donkey and Shrek stood aimlessly, flabbergasted by the waves of humanity and also Deadpool cosplayers before them. Their adopted son, King Artie Pendragon-whatever Shrek’s last name is-whatever Donkey’s last name is, was overflowing with excitement. (A/N: If you don’t know who he is get da hell out of here and watch Shrek the Third!) He bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, looking between each booth on artist alley. 

    “Sae whit urr ye keekin fur?” Shrek asked.

    “Umm,” Artie said shyly.

    “Ah thought ye git ower yer fear o' public speaking back whin?”

    “I don’t really want to talk about it, I’m just gonna go-”

    “Aye haud yer horses, kid, whaur urr ye aff tae?” Shrek asked, grabbing the back of Artie’s graphic Legend of Zelda t-shirt and stopping him in his tracks.

    “Just um, to get um, well-”

    “Oot wi' it!”

    “I’m going to whichever artist has the best yaoi, okay? Since you want to know so badly!” Artie yelled, hunching over and shoving his hands in his cargo shorts petulantly.

    “Yow-whit?”

    “Now, Shrek,” Donkey tsk-tsked carefully as the woman of the gay couple. “He obviously doesn’t want to talk about it and we should respect that he’s a growing boy with his own money and privacy, babe.”

    “Ah juist wantae ken whit it's? Is that sae ill?” Shrek asked, shaking Artie like a bag of coins.

    “Well yaoi is like-” Artie started, already eyeing the BakuDeku print across from him.

    Donkey stomped on Shrek’s foot, who quickly let go of Artie to clutch at his foot. “Thanks Dadkey!” Artie shouted as he disappeared into the crowd.

    “Noo whit wis that fur?” Shrek whimpered.

    “Stop pressuring our boy, remember, we’re here for him, not for us, you want to make the decisions you should have driven us to OgreCon. Besides, you already know what yaoi is, Shrek.”

    “Ah dae?”

    “We’re yaoi,” Donkey said.

    “Och, ah guess ah dae,” Shrek said, winking seductively at Donkey. Donkey made a flushy face, as much as he could through all the fur.

    Donkey and Shrek gazed into each other’s eyes in the middle of the aisle, blocking gamers and anime fans from obtaining their prized and overpriced merchandise. Donkey bit his lower lip as he looked at Shrek’s long, luscious lashes. Angry Marvel cosplayers shoved their way past Shrek and Donkey, some admiring the quality of Shrek’s Shrek cosplay as they didn’t come away with any green paint streaks. Thank God, some people can seal their paint, they thought. Nothing could break the romantic tension between Shrek and Donkey as they were two seconds away from a full blown make out sesh on the grimy convention floor. They reached for each other slowly, almost fingertip to hooftip when they heard the only thing that could break the hold they had over each other, a shout from Fiona.

“What do you mean, HonkIfYouLoveBaDonkADonk isn’t tabling here?!” Fiona shouted at a hapless convention staff volunteer. 

“We should get out of here,” Donkey and Shrek said in unison, one less Scottishly than the other. “Huh? What’s your reason? You first!” they continued simultaneously. 

“Well…” Donkey started.

“Well whit?”

“Well I may or may not be HonkIfYouLoveBaDonkADonk on Twitter, Tumblr, and DeviantArt and I may or may not specialize in yaoi rarepairs which, funnily enough, makes me really popular with the ladies, if you know what I mean-”

“Okay that’s enough, Donkey,” Shrek said.

“-Not that I’m complaining, I mean you know I’m faithful, but the fame doesn’t hurt-”

“Donkey!”

“-And sometimes I need that unconditional support, because you know when you get into one of your moods I don’t get that from you so I turn to the internet and I know the fujoshis will always have my back even when you’re throwing your little pity parties-”

“DONKEY!!” Shrek roared, drawing the attention of every congoer in the vicinity and a few of the respectable people on the street outside.  Fiona whipped around looking for the source of the voice of her one true love and ex-husband. Shrek gulped anxiously, realizing what he had just done.

“We should get out of here,” Donkey said. Shrek nodded. Artie would be fine enough on his own, even if he was lost in the yaoi trenches of artist alley, never to be seen again. Abandoning their kid(s), ex-wives, and the gnat-like swarms of nerds, Donkey and Shrek absconded to the Cheesecake factory outside the convention center. 

They got a booth relatively quickly, which for the Cheesecake Factory, was still a two hour wait. By that time twilight settled over the city like a weighted blanket, but a hot and sweaty weighted blanket because of the humidity. It was the peak hour for romance and Cheesecake Factory’s SkinnyLicious® Specialties. Knowing this, Shrek shifted his bulk anxiously on the cracked red leather of the booth. Straight couples (A/N: ew) in the booths and tables surrounding them gazed into each other’s eyes over slices of cheesecake. Donkey would have expectations with this atmosphere, he was very high maintenance, after all. Today would be the day, if Shrek could pull it off. 

The waiter, tired of cosplayers, came over and brusquely took their orders before they had time to make small talk about how unfair it was that Firefly was canceled before Joss Wheadon. Shrek waited anxiously for their orders to come, suddenly shy in front of his partner of 21 years with the waiter gone. Donkey started tapping his hoof on the table expectantly.

Shrek cleared his throat Scottishly. “Sae how dae ye lik' th'...th’...” Shrek couldn’t think of anything to talk about. Gazing at Donkey took his breath away, his partner’s beauty overwhelming him like it always did. Donkey raised his eyebrows, unsure what to make of Shrek’s stammering. “Sae how dae ye lik',” Shrek started again, “daein' th' yaoi?”

“The yaoi? Oh, I love it! And the girlies on Tumblr do too, you should see how many notes I get. I really got started in the Rise of the Brave Tangled Dragons fandom, Jack Frost x readers were my bread and butter until the Onceler came along. Now there was a man! Of course, you’re the only big green meanie for me, but you can’t deny how hot the Onceler is…”

Shrek listened intently to Donkey’s ramblings, despite not knowing what half of the words he was saying were. But here he was, all this time later, still learning new faucets of his partner. Donkey was endlessly fascinating, and in turn endlessly irresistible.

It felt like no time had passed at all when their waiter brought their multiple orders of sweet corn tamale cakes, warm crab and artichoke dip, fried mac and cheese balls, and Buffalo Blasts®. Ordinarily, things like this would be far too appetizing for Shrek as they weren’t worms and eyeballs, but this was the Cheesecake Factory. The kitchen might as well have been Shrek’s swamp, it had all the same conditions including the Smash Mouth soundtrack. 

Their food delivered, they dug in. The food was good or something. I don't care, we all know that’s not what you’re here for. Shrek, even as consumed as he was with gay panic over how beautiful his partner was or whatever baby gays whose only real experience with the community is through fanfic think gay panic means, was greatful for the break in Donkey’s ramblings. A man can only take so much yaoi.   

When they were done with their appetizers, Donkey excused himself coquettishly to the bathroom. As he did not have hands, he tended to end up smashing his face into food and having to clean up after every course. Shrek was used to this by now. But as he waved Donkey off, he had an idea.

Shrek flagged down their waiter. He asked the waiter to come closer – No, closer than that… Well, now that’s a little too close but it works – so he could whisper instructions in their gender neutral ear. As they listened, the waiter grew more and more despondent. Not only had they had to participate in more than fifteen birthdays for anime characters today, but now they would have to play part in a wedding proposal. They nodded at Shrek, a pained smile on their face that said “Yeah, I can do that but you better fucking tip well.” With that hope the only thing keeping the waiter afloat to the end of their shift, they went to the kitchen to make arrangements with the chefs just as Donkey returned to the table. 

“So what’s next for dinner?” Donkey asked.

“Och ah awready ordered fur ye, babygirl,” Shrek answered, “Ye kin juist keeping gaun oan aboot yer yaoi wi' na worries.”

So Donkey continued rambling on about Johnlock conspiracies and Onclercest and Omegaverse and his favorite doujinshis and a thousand other things Shrek had never heard of and hoped never to hear of again. But he listened anyway because he was a supportive partner. And hopefully soon, a supportive husband.

The main course arrived soon enough and Shrek was spared hearing about the distinct differences between enemies to friends to lovers and friends to enemies to lovers. Their waiter set down their entrees, a single specially made corn dog on a plate for each of them. But Donkey’s corn dog had a conspicuous ring slipped on it as if it were a finger. Donkey failed to notice it and flung his face towards the plate to munch on that flakey cornmeal.

“Wait, Donkey!” Shrek cried.

Donkey stopped. “What’s up?”

“Dinnae ye notice anythin' special?”

“I noticed someone dropped their jewelry in the batter but I don’t see how that’s any of my business, besides having more iron in my diet.”

    “Dae ye really think that's whit happened?” Shrek asked, on the verge of tears. How could their special moment start off like this?

    “Shrek, what’s this really about? Is there something you’re not telling me? Are you stressed? Sick? I bet it was those tamales, they tasted a little off to me, hold on let me go get the manager-”

    “Donkey!”

    “What is it, Shrek?”

    “I’m not sick, let me huv a go at this again.Donkey, as ye ken, ogres hae layers lik' onions do,” Shrek explained. Donkey nodded, he remembered their first real conversation well. “And I’d lik' tae add ye as a layer tae mah onion.” 

    “Shrek… do you really mean that?” Donkey cried.

    “O' coorse, mah sweet!” Shrek pried the ring off the corn dog, smashing it to pieces. He held it up in front of Donkey’s face. “Wid ye mak' me th' happiest ogre in th' world?”

    “Oh Shrek! Yes! Yes!” Donkey shrieked. He jumped over the table and into Shreks beefy green arms. Unsure exactly of what they were seeing, but still understanding it was a proposal, the other customers clapped politely if bewilderedly. 

    “Lets go tell th' guid news tae Artie,” Shrek said blissfully. Donkey nodded.

    The two of them walked out the restaurant, Shrek bridal carrying Donkey through the revolving doors. They forgot to pay, not that anyone would have remembered after that yaoitastic display. Their waiter remained untipped.

    Shrek walked triumphantly into the convention center and kicked in the door to the room hosting the “Fudanshi x Fujoshi: Finding the Perfect Boy who Loves Yaoi Almost as much as You do!” panel slash speed dating event. 

    “Oi! Artie! Guess who’s getting married!” Shrek bellowed. Everyone in the room hushed. Artie wanted to die and pretended not to hear. Shrek cleared his throat and shouted again, “Oi! Artie! Guess who’s getting GAY married!”